Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue
Bold/underline: Change in character speaking/action
Italics: Unspoken action
(ect…): Strange identity, personality, quirk, ect.
Whose Line is it Anyway Episode Two
Hermoine: reads card Ok, welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. It's just like finding Malfoy on a box of Wheates. It doesn't mean a thing. Audience laughs and Draco looks put out Our first game is called 'Let's Make a Date'. This is for all of you. Ron you'll be a contestant on a dating service-type video, hoping to be chosen by one of our bachelors, but everyone else has a strange identity, and you have to try to guess who they are. If you are not scared, take it when you are ready.
Ron: looking like a girl looking into a cosmetic mirror and closing it. Bachelor number one. I love to go out and be on the scene, if we were out where would you take me and why?
Harry: (Fonzie on Happy Days) Ahheey! How's it goin'. I'd probably take you to Big Al's, grab a burger, and we would ride my cycle to make-out point to party. But all I need to do is snap my fingers and you'd come. snaps them
Ron: Ohh! I think I'm in love.
Hermoine: shouts Ronald Weasley! Just you wait until after the show.
Ron: Uh-oh!? Uh, bachelor number two. Hi. I'm a very active woman. I do Tae-bo and jog one mile (about 2.5 km if you prefer) every day. What is your favorite activity?
Draco: (Power-crazed Southern State Trooper) Whoo-Whee! By golly my favorite activity would be to catch a perp, frisk him, and read him his rights. Tips hat and adjusts imaginary sunglasses
Ron: Well just lock me up officer. Hehehehe Bachelor number three, if we got married, what kind of honeymoon would you take to sweep me off my feet?
Snape: (Wicked Witch of the West and Flying Monkey Army) Well my pretty, I will take you and make you into the best lady in Oz. Turns around and gets on stomach perched on stool. Starts flapping arms and making monkey sounds. Oooh-ooooh-ooooh Ahhhh-ahhhhhhh!
Ron: Ok, that was weird. Back to bachelor number one. When we first meet how would you move me. gives a sexy purr
Harry: Well my foxy momma. I would just… gets up and kisses Ron. Hey now, how was that? Puts both thumbs up at an angle and tries to look pleased while holding back a gag.
Ron: Wow! I don't know what to say, but I think I made my decision.
Harry: I thought you'd say that! Well I'm off to the Cunninghams's. See ya on our date at Big Al's.
Draco/Snape: Wait! What about us!
Harry: Aheeey! I'll wait. OK. Snaps fingers Chill!
Ron: I didn't know I'd have people fighting over me. I must be really beautiful. Audience laugh Humph! Back to bachelor number two. If you were any movie or TV star, who would you be?
Draco: That's a hum-dinger. I guess I'd be Jed Clampitt. Looks over at Snape and acts like he's riding a motorcycle Pull over you. You're under arrest for being that ugly and speeding while in mid-air. Here's your ticket, you stupid bitch!
Snape: You'll pay for that my sweet hehehehe! Come my army! Gets on stool again and flaps arms Oooooh eeeeek ooooooh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh!
Ron: Bachelor number three, write me a very good love poem.
Snape: Are you sure?
Ron: Yes, write me a love poem.
Snape: Ok, here it goes: I want to go out with you more than all the rest
Because lady you're the best
If you don't you'll be singing the blues
Cause I'll beat your ass and steal your red shoes hehehehe!
Hermione: Buzz Good job, I suppose. Ron, can you guess who each bachelor was?
Ron: Let's see. Harry was some fancy lover, like 007, James Bond.
Hermione: Not, quite. He's Fonzie from "Happy Days".
Ron: Oh, that explains the kiss. I'm gonna be scarred for life, though I'm impressed by what a good job he did.
Others: ARGH! Ron not you too!
Ron: Malfoy was a police officer form Cops.
Hermione: Close enough. He was a power-crazed Southern State-Trooper.
Ron: And Snape is a Schizophrenic You-Know-Who whose other personality is a bunch of monkeys.
Harry: You better hope ol' Tom isn't watching this.
Hermione: Nope, he's the Wicked Witch of the West and her Flying Monkey Army.
Ron: Close enough.
Hermione: Alright, this nest game is called 'Two Line Vocabulary'. This is again, for all of you. The scene is reads card the Hogwarts Band-room. Harry, Ron, and Malfoy each play a different instrument. Harry, you play trumpet. Ron, you play tuba, and Malfoy you play drums. Snape is the band director and can say anything he wants. The rest of you, your sentences are in your pockets.
Harry: How did they get there?
Hermione: I don't know, magic?
Harry: Oh.
Hermione: Whenever your ready.
Snape: You need to play louder.
Harry: Shut-up, you dumb-ass!
Snape: Potter! You Won't play in the competition this weekend with that attitude or the pitiful playing. What exactly do you do in sectionals anyway?!
Harry: Shut-up, you dumb-ass!
Snape: Oh, forget it. Now how do the rest of you play? Drums at ready…
Ron: What note am I playing?
Snape: Not you! I said drums! Draco, show them how a Slytherin performs. Give the section the signal. Ready…
Malfoy: Buzz your sticks! Audience laughs
Snape: You're not playing loud enough!
Draco: Can you hear me now?
Snape: Yes, but what was that?! We'll be humiliated with a signal from the drumline like "Buzz your sticks". I'll hang you if you even try!
Ron: You can't do that!
Snape: You wait Weasley.
Harry: Shut-up, you dumb-ass!
Snape: getting furious Potter! You are out of this competition!
Ron: You can't do that!
Snape: Oh, yes I can.
Harry: Let's get it on.
Snape: WHAT?!
Malfoy: Buzz your sticks!
Hermione: Oh, oh, oh covers eyes
Ron: You can't do that.
Hermione: Thank-you! Cell-phone goes off in audience
Snape: Look, even a cell-phone is in better tune than you!
Harry: Let's get it on!
Ron: What note am I playing?
Snape: Let's end this now and bring it on! Buzz Buzz Buzz
Hermione: Ok, that was um, interesting. Snape, sorry but you just looked sissy. Not intimidating at all.
Snape: Ten points from Gryffindor!
Ron: You can't do that!
Harry: The game's ever dumb-ass!
Hermione: furiously Ok, shut-up! The next game is 'World's Worst'. Get in a line NOW!
Guys: Yes, ma'mn
Hermione: This is for all four of you. The scene is reads card World's Worst Do-It-Yourself Videos. Whenever you're ready, take it away.
Harry: looks like sitting at desk Hi, I'm Bill Clinton. I used to be President. I'm going to show you how to get women in 3 easy steps. Buzz
Malfoy: says slowly You put your right foot in. You take your right foot out. You put your right foot in. Now you try it. Buzz
Harry: Hi. I'm Lord Voldemort! Tired of those always failing murder plots? Well with this new training video, you can kiss that cheating boyfriend or snot-nosed brat good-bye! Buzz
Ron: Tired of those frustrating banana peels? Well I'll shoe you how to remove them in 3 easy steps. Buzz
Snape: Tired of always being a moron? Well with this video, A Guide to Intelligence, you'll be smarter than the Hooked-On-Phonics kids. Buzz
Ron: Hi, I'm Professor Snape. I'm here to teach you proper hair hygiene. Buzz
Malfoy: This tape will show you how to clap. First, you put both hands apart. Good. Next you clasp them together. Now you try it… Again…And again… Wonderful! Buzz Buzz Buzz
Hermione: That was great! Ok, it's time for Hoedown! I need a topic form the audience.
Random Member of the Audience: The Talk-show Hoedown!
Hermione: Ok, the Talk-show Hoedown. With the help of Laura Hall, take it away when your ready. Music starts
Ron: I was on a talk-show and it was a real swinger
I was on an episode of Jerry Springer
I didn't' know what to say, but it was something I can't
It turns out that I was a lesbian's husband's aunt
Harry: I just died and went straight to Hell
That's my story and I have nothing else to tell
But the worst part is, there's nothing on TV
All they have is Malfoy on Regis and Kathy Lee
Snape: I go to baseball stadiums just to make fun of the game
It was my only ticket to great fame
I wound up joining and replacing ol' Morgan
It was because I said I played the organ
Malfoy: I was watching TV before I hit the sack
My favorite show is When Animals Attack
I saw it one time and there was something big and hairy
It turned out to be no one but Jerry.
All: It was no one but Jerry!
Hermione: That's all for tonight! See ya folks!