Disclaimer: We're poor. Please don't sue us. Harry and co. belong to JKR. "Grapefruit Diet" belongs to Weird Al Yankovic. We love ya man. Whose Line Is It Anyway? Belongs to Time-Warner Bros. and ABC
Episode 3
Hermione: Okay, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway" the show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, just like Snape and a pack of peanuts- - it doesn't mean a thing. Tosses a pack of peanuts labled "Severus" We're starting with "Two Line Vocabulary" This is for Snape, Ron, and Harry. Ron has the two lines "That's easy for you to say" and "Is that good?". Harry has the two lines "What are those?" and "Sorry, I wasn't listening." Snape says anything he wants. The scene is an army captain recruiting people for a dangerous mission.
Malfoy: Ha! That's Potter's usual statements in class! This 'otta be a cinch for him!
Harry: though somewhat true No, it's not & you better shut your damned mouth before I shut it for you! I mean, that's always YOUR statement in Transfiguration!
Malfoy: No, it is not!
Hermione: rolls eyes Okay, can we please get one game going without some sort of confrontation. It's so hard being the only female and only the one to seem to hold any sense in my head!
Others: HEY!
Hermione: Oh, just go on and forget Malfoy.
Snape: Okay, men…hey, where did everybody go? Well, since you are the only two of ya, it will be east to get recruits. Your mission is to get all the remaining prisoners left from the hostages. You will be supplied with a gun with 100 shells, a comb, gum, and barbed wire. Food is on your own terms.
Harry: Sorry, I wasn't listening.
Snape: looking aggravated I said gun comb, gum, and barbed. You will have to sneak in the enemy's camp, find the hostages, and bring them back.
Ron: That's easy for you to say!
Snape: Well, yes it is! I'm the captain!
Harry: What are those?
Snape: Those are stripes. They show I'm the captain.
Harry: Points What are those?
Snape: sighs That is you supplies.
Harry: What are those?
Snape: Those are my feet, dumbass, and they will be halfway up your ass if you don't shut your mouth and pay attention! Okay, as I was saying.
Ron: Is that good?
Snape: No more goddamned questions! You need to listen because you might die on this dangerous mission!
Harry: Sorry, I wasn't listening
Snape: smacks himself I figured just as much. The prisoners may be hostile and very scared. You might need to calm them down first.
Ron: That's easy for you to say!
Snape: AARGGGHHH! The only two recruits I find and I get the dumb ones!
Ron: Is that good?
Snape: No, that bloody well isn't good! hears bomb sounds HIT THE DIRT! The enemy is approaching?
Harry: Sorry, I wasn't listening!
Ron: That's easy for you to say!
Snape: I know bloody well you weren't listening! grabs Harry and Ron and pulls them down to the floor
Hermione: buzzbuz sits there laughing, knowing the reality of what just happened oo-ka-ha-kay! The next…hahahaha game is Improbable Mission. This is for Malfoy and Harry. Ron will be providing the rape recording. Somebody in the audience give me the name of an ordinary, everyday activity.
Random Audience Member: WASHIN' THE CAAAARRRRR!
Hermione: Yeah, that's a good one! You two will try to accomplish the mission of washing the car.
Malfoy: Okay Potter, we've received another tape. Let's see what we have to do now.
Harry: mutters Hope it's a duel so I can beat his ass with permission pretends to put tape in recorder and cranks it up
Ron: Good Mornin' agents! How are you doing?
Malfoy/Harry: Fine, great. How was your vacation?
Ron: It was great, except Hermione kept giving me useless facts at every stop we cane to. Can you imagine? It wouldn't be so hard if fast forwards Oh yeah, your mission, should you choose to accept it is; The Grand Puba from Ellijmaldova is meeting the president tomorrow. He drives a dirty Mercedes-Benz. Your mission is to wash, dry, wax, and buff the thing.
Malfoy: squeals like a girl Ewwwww! Gross!
Ron: If you fail to complete this mission, you will be teased and taunted, put naked in the middle of the street, and I will laugh at your ass! This message will self…
Harry: pushed stop button Okay, so we have to wash, dry, wax, and buff the car.
Ron: That's what I said.
Malfoy: takes tape and throws it out the window. Tape goes BOOM! Hehehe
Harry: Let's go! Mission Impossible Music starts
Malfoy: Crap. I left the car in the shop.
Harry: That's okay, we can use my new jet pack Polo shirt.
Malfoy: That works! Grabs Harry's sides and they fly to the location of the car
Harry: Watch the shirt. I just had it cleaned and pressed! They get to the car and find it completely filthy
Harry: Oh, man! This is so filthy. How are we going to get started. Got any soap?
Malfoy: Nope. Hey! My pants were only washed this morning. They weren't dried. Maybe there's still some suds. Hose me down!
Harry: Okay! Tries to turn nozzle but nothing comes out There's nothing coming out!
Malfoy: sarcastically Maybe this will work steps back and turns faucet Try it now Dumb ass!
Harry: Turns nozzle and hoses Malfoy's pants If you have to go, please hold it! Takes Malfoy and moves him side to side like a sponge
Malfoy: Ahhhh! That feels better!
Harry: Ah, no, you didn't did you? Oh well! Let's rinse her down! Turns nozzle again and no water comes out. MALFOY!!!!!
Malfoy: What? Steps off water hose. Harry rinses the car down. Okay we have to wax it next.
Harry: Ooooooohhhhh, Turtle, Turtle! Cracks it open like a coconut and uses it to wax the car.
Malfoy: Now that's done, how will we buff the thing?
Harry: We'll use the traveler's size auto buff, I've been meaning to give it to Snape since the "accident". He needs it to gives his head that chrome-like shine!
Snape: Hey!
Malfoy: Okay, let me see. He buffs the car the car little by little and finishes eventually There! Finished. The Grand Puba of Ellijmaldova will be pleased. Caw. Caw. Caw. Splat!
Harry/Malfoy: Points at crap Awww Crap!
Hermione: Buzz. Buzz.Buzz. Laughs.
Audience: Laughs big time
Snape: Still got his silk thong in a twist about the auto buff joke. Fifty points from Gryffindor!
Hermione: How many do I have to tell you, old bald man! The points don't matter! This next game is "Song Styles" for Harry. Harry gets up and gets stool. Hermione gets up and looks through audience. Oh, hi! Now, what's your name?
Audience Member: mutters "Stupid Bitch" Cho Chang.
Hermione: Ah, yes. And what do you love to do?
Cho: Eat, and dieting. I'm trying to watch my figure.
Hermione: Surprised expression. Okay, Harry, you have to sing a song to Cho in Polka about food and diet.
Harry: Looks disgusted with Cho. Do I have to, after what happened on Valentine's Day?
Hermione: Would you like some cheese with that whine? Yes you have to do it.
Ron: Way to go Hermione
Hermione: You know, I should still be mad at you from the FIRST Episode. Cheating on me? Ok, Harry, begin when you're ready. Signals to the music which starts Rock/Polka tune
Harry: (By the way, Thanks to "Weird Al Yankovic" adopted from "Grapefruit Diet")
Loosens up This is what you deserve, Bitch!
What's that waddling down the street?
It's just Cho 'cause she loves to eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled spam
Who's really flabby, yes she am!
Every picture of her is
Gotta be an aerial view.
Now the doctor tells Cho
There's just one thing left to do-
Grapefruit diet (Diet)
Throw out the pizza and butterbeer
Grapefruit diet (Diet)
Oh, get those jelly doughnuts out of here.
Grapefruit diet (Diet)
Might seem a little severe
Grapefruit diet (Diet)
Cho's tired of her big, fat rear
Blow Fatty!
Well she used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like Kate Moss
Walked down the alley and she got stuck
She's got more rolls than a pastry truck
When Cho's done eating
She eats a little more
When she leaves the room
First she's gotta grease the door
Grapefruit diet (Diet)
Can't have another éclair
Grapefruit diet (Diet)
She's gotta decrease her dèrriere
She's on a grapefruit diet
She's on a grapefruit diet
She's on a grapefruit diet
No more pie now
No more crème brulee
Lay off the gravy
And souffl
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
No Mr. Cheese Nacho
Stay AAAAAA- WAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!
Hermione: Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. That was great Harry!
Cho: Starts twitching. That was so mean, Harry!
Harry: Life's tough, get a helmet. And if you ever use me for comfort again, I'm prophesying an ass whooping. I don't care if you're a girl.
Cho: stomps off
Snape: I didn't think you had if in you, Potter.
Malfoy: I admit, I'm impressed
Harry: scared look Who the hell are you people.
Hermione: Okay, our final game is "Scenes from a Hat"
Snape: Oh, yippee! Goodie Goodie!
Harry: smacks Snape smoothly back-side the head, then whistles innocently
Hermione: The first scene is "If Cartoon characters had adult conversations"
Malfoy: (Scooby-Doo) I rent ro ris one raggy ritch's house and re raive re a rooby ranck for my rervices Scooby laugh
Harry: (Droopy) Yah know what…You're sexy.
Ron: (Foghorn Leghorn) I say, I say that how its done boy. Pay attention son or else you'll have no future.
Harry: (Bugs Bunny) Nneeh! What's up, good lookin'.
Hermione: Buzz. Buzz. That was, um… perverted.
Harry/Ron/Malfoy/Snape: Hey!
Hermione: Just can't handle the truth can you, guys. Next one is Unusual things to be coin-operated
Harry: Rubs paddles together Clear! Does anyone have a quarter? Oh well!
Snape: I have to piss does anyone have a quarter? Audience laughs I'm serious
Malfoy: Entrance to bank. Fifty cents?
Hermione: Snape, you'll have to wait. Next scene is what you don't want to see tattooed on your date.
Ron: Bends sideways Property of US Army?! Hermione!?
Snape: How am I doing? Call 555…
Hermione: I'm sorry Ron. My uncle's in the military. Next scene is What Draco's thinking right now
Harry: I can't fight it, the Mudblood's hot! Sorry Mione
Malfoy: Is this not a rock solid body?
Ron: Harry, that robe is waaayyyyy too seductive.
Harry/Malfoy: jumps on and starts to pummel Ron.
Hermione: That's all for now, C'ya next time. Next week, a special Marauder's Episode. Harry, Malfoy get off him, he's MINE!!!