XX "Want, Need and Disregard"

It was the night before Christmas—destined to be another cold, lonely space in the lives of all soldiers present at the watch house. Outside, the wind howled against the eaves of the building, and a rare snowstorm battled its way through the sandy air. Mustang's crew had landed the 18-hour double shift, since none of them really had any other place to be.

As if to make up for the fact that no one was capable of snuggling down into a nice soft bed, there was a small party happening quietly and in uniform. There was cider, and some carefully spiked eggnog. Rounds of gifts were exchanged—small, no-effort items like desk decorations and tourist snow-globes.

Eastern amber rattled in one of Riza's boxes. "Who gave you that, I wonder," Havoc pressed, eyeing Roy (who shrugged him off and took another swing of his chosen poison).

"Aww, I want a necklace too," Fury teased, elbowing her.

"Look at that, she's blushing…"

"Mustang, you stud, you…"

"Mine was the lapel pin," Roy put in casually, while the others poo-pooed. The pin had, in fact, been a mystery gift, perhaps even intended as a distraction. Riza pulled the stuffing out of the box, along with the necklace (it looked expensive) and shoved everything into her pocket before it could be scrutinized and second-guessed.

The fake tree rattled against the radiator and slowly smoldered, filling the room with the festive scent of burnt plastic. Badly out-of-tune carols rose from nostalgic throats, and slowly Riza sidled her way over to Roy's chosen wall.

There had been a note folded up in the necklace's box—she glanced at it briefly now. His handwriting asserted, Let me see you put it on.

"Why do you insist on embarrassing me like that?" she asked, twisting the note and putting it back into her pocket.

"I think its fun. Cider?"

Riza accepted the plastic flume and gave up on pretense. "You must be lonely, if you're wasting money on me like this."

"I have plenty of money, but all my nights are lonely."

Sip.

"How can you be lonely in a place like this?"

"Everything gets too quiet."

Sip.

"Seriously."

"I miss you."

"I'm right here," she said. It was so obvious, but she knew what he meant. She didn't want to hear it. It was too easy to slip, to give up the game. There was too much work to do, and there was no time to be wasted stupidly playing around with sex.

But she really didn't think it was stupid. Arrogant, perhaps, and irresponsible, but not stupid.

Sip.

He chuckled and brushed her face. There he went with that touch again…it was so light, at first. Her cheek tingled in memory. "I miss you."

It was true she'd been less of herself lately. She was overworked, and so was he. There had been little time to sit and talk, or just to sit. They both displayed nervous tics more often than they used to, and bickered over who was responsible for this pay stub or this signature…

"Hey now," Breda shouted, "none of that in uniform, you two."

Roy scowled at him, snatched Riza's arm, and led her down the hall into his office. A burst of laughter behind them followed some unheard joke.

"Roy—"

"It's 'Colonel' in uniform," he replied sarcastically, drawing the shades. "Can't we ever even get a moment's peace around here?"

She took a deep breath and found some words. "We're a favorite exhibit. They see it, you know. Havoc, especially, because he's known us for so much longer. I don't think they mean it to be cruel."

"Of course they don't," he said, calmer. As if his energy had suddenly left him, he collapsed into his chair. "I'm sorry; I've been so on edge. I meant the gift as an apology…I've been hard on you lately."

"We've all been tense," she said softly coming up behind him and squeezing his shoulders though the thick material of his jacket. She wanted to touch him now, remembering those arms. It'd been years now, but seeing Roy every day kept the memories vivid, kept that wonderful tension between them. There was nothing she regretted, except—sometimes—her minimalist ways.

"I wandered down to a caravan coming in, not to long ago," he said. "I saw a vendor had that, and it reminded me of you. I don't know why. I just thought it looked like something you'd wear."

"It is—it's beautiful. Thank you. But I'm sorry; I feel terrible…I didn't know what to get you at all." That's what Riza had first meant to say, and forgotten in the midst of his jokes. She reached down and tugged at his buttons, dug underneath, hunting for his soreness in his shoulders. She'd spent fruitless hours trying to think up something meaningful and subtle, something to let him know she hadn't forgotten, even though the intensity of their flirting had fallen to almost zero.

He grunted and closed his eyes, working the heavy canvas over his shirt and letting it fall into the crevice of his chair. "Having you here is enough. You should know that."

"Why would you ever have suspected that I need anything more?" she asked, teasing, working over the strings of knots. It was like retrieving beads lost in half-baked clay—difficult and with uncertain progress.

"I want to believe it."

There was a faint clunking noise, as might be made by something metal being banged against the side of an echo chamber, and they fell quiet.

"The wind," Riza shrugged, and went back to kneading his shoulders.

Roy grunted again, folded his arms on top of his desk and used them as a pillow. "When did you get so good at this?"

"If you'd known, you'd have abused your rank to get some," Riza replied in jest.

"I should just let you do all the paperwork."

"So you can relieve your stress by yelling at me for doing it wrong, you mean."

"See, this is why I never try anything. You'd be serving my head up for dinner tomorrow."

"It's no use for much else."

More faint laughter.

"I have more fun away from those clowns," he muttered, voice tight. "Nng…I think that one's been there a while."

"One would think so." Riza worked away at his back until her hands were too stiff to move. She crouched down against the back of his desk, trying to will the feeling back into her arms. It was simply impossible to relieve everything she wanted to…he was too wound up, too anxious for news of the Elric brothers, too frightened that he'd never reach his dream and would be stuck in this tiny place for the rest of his solitary life.

He watched her in silence for a while, sat back up. His shirt hung oddly from how she'd been working through the fabric. "Riza…"

"You know we can't do this," she answered. The words had been bursting to escape, because they were the right thing to say and she was always, above all, the righteous one. She couldn't let her body control her like this.

"I was going to say thank you," he said. He brushed her face again with his fingertips, knowing…

No. She pushed his hand away and stood. "There's only so much I can give, Colonel…"

He was too quick; he grabbed her and held her in a grip much too strong for her to break. "Just, stay here for a while. Don't run off on me again. I miss your company."

Where else was she supposed to go? Technically they were all on night duty. She couldn't run home, and she certainly didn't want to hear it from the other men. She sighed and leaned back up against his desk.

Neither of them knew what to say.

Roy stared fixedly at his hands in his lap, no doubt feeling guilty again for harrowing her. His expression said enough about his guilt to make her feel bad; he couldn't help but feel what he did, and she understood loneliness well enough. She'd given into it once upon a time, when she hadn't been thinking about the future or performance reviews or rumors.

Did she honestly think he would be irresponsible enough to let his personal life get involved with that? No. She knew him well enough to be sure that wasn't something he'd do.

As if her mind had lost control, she put her arms around him and slid into his lap.

"Have you ever wondered why whenever you say no, you really mean yes?" he asked.

"All the damned time."