Disclaimer: No...I don't own Yuugiou. Even after five years of drawing anime, I still don't have the artistic ability to own it. TTTT
A/N: Wow....I'm at the sixth chapter. ::breathes heavily:: I know, I know, it's not a big deal, you all have written much longer stories, right?? I have, as well, but...I don't usually make stories much longer than 4 or 5 chapters...kind of pathetic, huh? Not only that, but this is kind of an important chapter for me. Just because...I've been planning this chapter since I BEGAN this fic. Heh. I'm finally writing it. Wow. I feel great.
Nearly everyone reviewed telling me how complicated things are getting for Shizuka. Trust me, it only gets worse from here. Heh. ::sweatdrops::
This chapter is shorter than usual. Sorry, but I hope you'll still enjoy.
Niichan...
The word was something so familiar to Shizuka; something that tumbled off her lips happily at any moment. It symboled her happiness, her role model. Someone she had adored since her days of childhood...
The sun had barely risen into the sky when Shizuka awoke; She had readied herself, drowsiness still gripping her, controlling every lazy thought that wandered through her head. After a hurried breakfast, she walked out with a "Ja, Kaasan!" and a reluctant nod from the older woman. Crisp air dared fold itself around her; In response she crossed pale, thin arms across her chest. It took only a slight turn of her head, and there he was...
Niichan...
Jou's face lifted. "Shizuka-chan!!" he called, jogging over, a brilliant grin settled on his features. "Ohayou!!"
"O-ohayou gozaimasu, Niichan," she stuttered, a steady smile settled on his own. Her heart sounded erratically in her chest.
"Shizuka-chan," he repeated, panting lightly, slowing to stop next to her. "Ogenki desu ka?"
"Eh...I'm good...Niichan..." He was still Katsuya...still the same, grinning, brilliant in her eyes...but Shizuka couldn't look at him the same...It was like a dark shadow had found his face -- corrupting him into something unknown to her...
"Mai is amazing...I...I really like her..."
And the feeling of confusion...betrayal, almost...
I...I have so much I wish to tell you, Niichan, she murmured inwardly. Blue eyes gazed awkwardly toward the pavement beneath her, a seemingly pained expression contorting her usually cheerful face.
"Shizuka-chan?" Katsuya asked, slowly, grin fading in the littlest. "Daijoubu?"
"N-nii..chan..."
I think I'm in love with the same person as you...Mai-san...I can't look at her the same without feeling this flaring inside of me, I can't understand it, I want to but...Niichan...! You told me you liked her as well, Niichan...and it scares me that I could hurt you, by telling you. I hurt you once, I stole away when I was supposed to watch you duel, and take off my bandages for you and only you...Niichan, I...I...!
"Shizuka...chan...?"
"Ah...! Iie! Niichan, I just wanted to wish you a good day at school." She smiled as she spoke, wiping away all evidence of the battling feelings within her as though wiping away a chalkboard blank. Her mask of childish indifference was her only weapon against this...
Jou pulled her slowly into his arms, earning from her a sincere, almost teary smile. "Hai! Ja ne Shizuka-chan!" With that he trotted off into the distance.
Niichan...I...I...
I'm afaid of you...
The sentence chilled her, just thinking it.
Will you become angry if I tell you? Will I...will I hurt you again...? I'm so scared Niichan...whenever I was scared before, you were the one to save me, pull me from the darkness...Niichan, you were my hero...and now...you are what I fear, Niichan...
She tottered uneasily across the sidewalk, shoulders slumped.
It's...wrong, isn't it...? That is also why I fear you Niichan...you and Mai-san both about this matter. It's...wrong for a girl to love another woman....I fear you Niichan, because I know you will be hurt by the idea that I love the same woman you do...and I fear that you will be disgusted with me, because I am a girl and I am to love boys, not...not...Mai-san, of all people...
What will...Mai-san...think...? I know her as one person....someone so kind to me...someone who smiled so sincerely when her heart was breaking, when I was ruining everything for her, and still told me not to feel guilty...she's someone I admire, aspire to be...I watched her with awe, Niichan, I was amazed by her duel just yesterday...she is so kind to me, but so strong all the same...and she amazes me in every way...
Am I...being selfish? By coming to her, to tell her how I feel...? Am I trying to take away the one person who would give you happiness, Niichan...? Fear gripped her. I don't...I don't want to do that!! I don't want to take away what would make you happy...I ... I...
I really don't know anymore...I'm confused, Niichan... I want everything but I want to give everything to you...I feel like I am in love, but all the same I am scared, and I am disgusted with myself...
So disgusted...
Her footsteps fell silent, and her gaze lifted upward to a modest house, one familiar to her...
"Mai...san..." she voiced uncertainly.
Niichan...this...this is it.
Her stomach turned inside of her, signaling her nervousness. She had the urge to simply turn around, walk away. It was clutching her, daring her to walk forward, ruin everything for herself...
...and so she did. She trembled madly, but she stepped forward, and again, nearing the house steadily.
I am scared....I want to turn around and run back home but I can't...I have to be courageous, be brave like Niichan always said. I will be scared, but brave all the same...
Pale fingers clenched into a fist, knocking on the paper-screen door slowly. Footsteps sounded inside.
This is it...this is really it...
The door slid open, revealing the familiar blonde woman. Her metallic violet eyes widened in surprise in seeing the young girl. "Sh-Shizuka-san...?"
Shizuka bowed respectfully. "Hai...Sumimasen, Mai-san. I wanted to visit..."
"Ah, daijoubu, comeon in. Want some tea?" she asked boredly, gesturing the brunette inside.
"Yes, please..."
I...I'm going to be brave...!
"Ne, Shizuka-san," Mai began, setting a warm cup of green tea before Shizuka and herself as they sat down to the kohatsu (1), "What'd you come here for...?"
Shizuka's entire being seemed to flip on the inside at that, signaling nervousness throughout her. Her face lowered, flushed, allowing strands of long, elegant brunette hair to fall into her face and shield her from Mai. "A-ano, I just...j-just wanted to see you, M-Mai-san..."
"You saw me just yesterday," Mai replied rather skeptically. The hotness in Shizuka's cheeks worsened at this, and if it were possible, lowered her head even more, perhaps in unspoken shame.
"M-Mai-san....how are you...?"
"I'm fine, and you...?"
"I'm alright..." Shizuka gulped loudly, breathing erratic. "E-etou..." She lifted the warm cup to her lips, relishing the warmth that the tea sent throughout her. It calmed her lightly, enough to speak. "Mai-san...I...I'd like for you to give me advice on...something..."
"Mm?" she put down her own cup. "What?"
Shizuka's eyes glazed over, staring down at the kohatsu. She seemed almost emotionless as she spoke her next words:
"I think I'm in love with someone."
Mai froze, eyes falling across Shizuka -- the words hit her like some preposterous preposition, some impossibility spoken. "Nani...?" she asked, as though Shizuka was about to grin at Mai and utter words of a joke.
"Mai-san...I...I'm in love with...with..."
You...
She couldn't utter the word. She stumbled over each word, heart thumping in her chest so loudly that it rang in her ears, almost like it echoed throughout the house. "I...I'm in love with someone...I...I've really never felt this way before....it's so strange...so foreign to me..."
Mai-san, I can't understand myself...not at all...I look in a mirror and I look dirtied, disgusting...but I don't feel that way...everything I feel in my heart, Mai-san, everything I feel...for you...it all feels...
...right...
Mai snorted impatiently, looking out the window, lifting her cups to her lips briefly. "Nonsense. You're fourteen, right? You don't know what you feel."
"Yes, I do...!" Shizuka protested, head snapping up to face the blonde woman. Mai was looking away, face hidden, but...
Her hand, clenched over the gray cup, had begun to shake in the slightest...
Mai-san...Shizuka thought uncertainly. Is she...is she getting angry...?
"...How long...have you liked this person...?" Mai asked quietly, her tone unfamiliar to Shizuka's ears. Shizuka perked up at this, flushing, as though speaking embarassing words.
"Since yesterday..."
"You're not in love," Mai replied quickly. "I'll say it again...you're too young to understand any of that stuff. Just forget about all of it."
"Mai-san...!" Shizuka gasped. "Mai-san, you must have felt this way before...about somebody...! You have to understand...!"
"No..." Mai replied coldly, earning a noticeable, shocked flinch from Shizuka.
Never...? she wondered silently. Mai-san...have you...do you have feelings...?
"I don't fall in love..." she added, voice chillingly unfeeling. "I don't need anyone. I can take care of myself, work for myself easily, without anyone's help. Love is.." she trailed off. "Love is some idiotic excuse for the people who can't..."
The young brunette girl felt a lump form in her throat, stinging at her, like the feel after a hard blow to the face. This...this person, whom she called Mai-san, whom she had admired, known as this kind person in every way to her, as a strong, beautiful angel...
This wasn't like her at all...it was darker, harsher..like the shadowy portion of a person's face, unknown, hidden from the world...but harsh and unforgiving, however kind they may be on the outside...and it scared Shizuka...
...knowing this side to her angel...
"I-iie, Mai-san, it's..." The woman she spoke of jerked her head to face Shizuka, eyes settled into a harsh glare. Shizuka trailed off nervously, gulping loudly. She looked up slowly to this unfamiliar face.
It's not, Mai-san...it's more...
And her strength rose. "No, it's not, Mai-san." Her voice felt fuller, louder, in such a way that she felt shocked herself, as though it was not her speaking. "It's more...so much more..." She looked up strongly at Mai. "I...feel this way...I know it. I...I need this person...I...I've never felt this way before but I know it; I'm in love, Mai-san. You say I don't know, Mai-san, but...how can someone who claims not to believe in love...know?"
Mai's hand was trembling over her cup...
Please, Mai-san, please accept this...don't walk away, don't look away, don't abandon me for this please... I'm disgusting...dirtied, reaching out to...
Mai-san, I need you...
"I-I'm in love with... Mai-san, I...!"
Fear rose in her, but the want, the raw need to tell Mai this, overpowered it brilliantly.
"Mai-san..I...I like you...!"
Her eyes settled pleadingly on Mai, anxiety pounding through her veins, but she couldn't feel anymore...she was simply watching Mai, dreading but intently awaiting her reaction...
Everything happened so fast...
Shizuka heard the crash of porcelain shattering against the wall behind her, heard the dribble of green tea down the wall and the clattering of the material onto the tiled floor. Shizuka was frozen, eyes widened as Mai retracted her hand, eyes alit with burning anger...
M-Mai-san...
"Shut up...!!!" she screamed, voice ringing throughout the empty house. Shizuka simply stared up, motionless... "Don't talk like you know it all!!! You have no idea what you're talking about!! You're fourteen!!"
"Ah, M--" Shizuka tried to speak, feeling tears well up in her eyes. It's...
Mai's fingers were clenched, pounded down onto the kohatsu. She glared murderously at Shizuka; a fiery rage burning inside of her... "Did you think that by coming here and saying this shit to me that I'd just fall over crying and saying I loved you too?! Were you that stupid?! Someone like you...how could you expect me to love someone like you...! You...you've ruined everything for me...!!"
Shizuka gasped loudly. Every guilty thought came rushing back to her; all the conflicting thoughts in her head, all the times she had inwardly questioned how Mai really felt about the situation...she even remembered that smile, that which she had shown the morning Shizuka was at her house...Mai had reassured her, telling her not to worry, she was fine...and now she was...
She was overwhelmed, staring up at Mai with tears appearing in her eyes,frozen.
"You ruined everything...!" Mai continued. "It's all your fault...! I was going to duel...I was going to finally show my true abilities...and you made me miss it...! And now, for you to come here, and think you can tell you like me and expect me to like you back...! You don't understand...! You're just a child...!"
Something inside Shizuka snapped at that.
"I'm not a child!!"
Mai froze, still seething, though quieted, at least.
Shizuka's hands were clenched into her lap, and she stared down at such. Salty tears drifted down her face, barely hidden by her brunette bangs. A ragged sigh escaped her lips, before she continued. "I'm not...I'm really not...I...I just...M-Mai-san...!"
I-I'm not...Mai-san...really...
Mai stood straight, fingers running through her blonde, elegant hair, and sighing irritably.
"Just...leave..." she said calmly.
Shizuka nodded silently, spilling tears over her clenched hands.
"You ruined everything for me...!"
Shizuka's face had fallen, no longer courageous, but sunken, gazing sadly at the frozen ground. She didn't respond to the frigid air around her, didn't shiver at the sudden appearance of freezing wind. There were dried tears left to her face...
Mai-san...sumimasen...
That same image rose so easily into her mind; That of Mai slumped over the table that morning she had awoke in Mai's house...
"It's your fault...!"
That's what...you were thinking...wasn't it, Mai-san...? Her inner voice was just as painful as the real one she had spoken in only moments before. When I saw you, through the opening of that door...when you were bent over the kohatsu. That's what you were thinking...you were angry at me...Mai-san...you looked at me as a child, and so you smiled...sincerely, I thought...you told me not to be sad, but you all the while were angry at me...
Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks, and the cold air attacked it, making her skin prickle with coldness. She stumbled in her steps; and stopped briefly, as the most painful of Mai's words recurred in her head...:
"You're just a child...!"
Her lips clenched over one another, face flushing, whether from the cold air or from the repetition of her tears. She lifted her hands, wiping away each one, sobbing loudly in the process...
That's all you saw me as...the entire time...she sobbed inwardly. A child, who would cry out if you spoke truthfully about the matter...I...I'm so stupid...! I thought you were sincere; I thought you meant every spoken word to me, I thought every smile, every kind gesture was sincere...
All the while you were looking down on me, like...like...
"Oi, kousan," Kaiba Seto had murmured to her.
The image of Katsuya crying for her...crying because he accepted what happened, no matter how much it hurt him...
"You're just a child...!"
...like a child....
Pinpricks of coldness landed softly on her cheeks. She looked up slowly, watching little bits of white fluff fall down on her, all around her...
Snow...
"Kaasan!" she remembered calling as a child. "It's snowing!! Look! It's...it's beautiful, Kaasan...!"
Her hand, held at ready toward her face, spread its fingers slowly. She watched, eyes glazed, as the snowflakes alit upon her pale skin and melted.
They were right all along, weren't they...? That I am...still a child... Niichan, you always smiled at me, held my hand and led me forward... Kaasan, you protected me with every breath you took...and Mai-san, you hid your anger, your frustration with me...because, like a kid, you knew I would cry and mope if you told me how you felt about the situation....Niichan must be the same way...angry at me inside...because of what I did...but he cried, and told me everything was all right...when I'm sure he would have liked to shout at me...
Why am I...this way...?! she thought painfully, inner voice breaking. Why am I so childish...?! Why can't I grow up, like you all want me to?! I'm just there to upset you all, all I do is bring misery... I...I...
I hate myself...I want to grow up...
It was a painful need she had long known. Something she knew but ignored, something she wanted to face but couldn't all the same...
I told myself I was grown-up, and was brought down when reminded that I wasn't...but I ignored it...because I was so sure...I was simply arrogant the entire time...I have always been just a kid...
"Kawai!" her mother called excitedly, glancing quickly at her from her place at the window. "Look! It's snowing! Kawai!" her voice was alive, face flushed from the cold, and she was grinning freely at Shizuka as the young girl entered her apartment silently...
Shizuka simply walked into her room, face hidden beneath the shield that was her bangs.
"Kawai...?" her mother responded slowly.
The snow always excited her before... she thought, confusion uprising within her.
Niichan, Shizuka thought sadly as she huddled into a ball in her room. It's selfishness isn't it...? I was scared, but some part of me thought Mai-san would like me back when I told her how I felt. And now... I want to grow up. And I know some part of me just wants to because it thinks Mai-san will like me then...I'm so selfish, Niichan!! I know you like her... and I thought selfishly I could get to her first...I...I'm...so disgusting...
Niichan, you were always the one person who loved me for who I was...and I'm afraid to change, Niichan, but...
I...I...
I want to grow up...!
Mai watched the door for minutes afterward, rooted to her spot there in the living room. Snow had found its way down from the skies, falling as a sparkling blanket of whiteness. Her violet eyes followed each snowflake delicately; As though each fluttery pattern would soothe her, soothe her anger...
I...I overreacted, she muttered inwardly. She sighed, finally tearing her vision away from the lit windows, hand falling gently onto the kohatsu.
"Mai-san...I...I like you...!"
Anger bubbled in her stomach once more. Just who did Shizuka-san think she was?! She had travelled through the cold to tell her that she liked her...Mai shook her head.
Did she actually think I'd like her back...? She groaned in frustration. As if she was the first to ever say she was in love with me...that's all I ever hear now. All the men I meet are the same -- claiming to be in love with me, even that idiot I met back on the ship to Duelist Kingdom said he want to marry me, of all things. It's all shallow...all lies. They think they like me cos of my looks, cos of my dueling skills, cos of...how I act. They don't...know me for real...
They don't even try...
Mai felt horribly disgusting whenever she thought of that...that need that she felt...it was an impossibility...a quality lost to her. She was...independant. She didn't need anyone...never would but...
You're just like the rest...Shizuka-san... she thought harshly, as though the young girl were still listening, could hear every cruel thought directed towards her. You don't know me...at all. The side you saw me speak to you in is the real me...unloving, cruel, bitter. That's me. I am no one, just a woman trying to be the best, someone without a personality, one who only knows what they want. You were scared of who I really was, Shizuka-san, I could tell. You don't like me, you admire me and confuse that for love. You are a little girl.
She remembered Shizuka moping beside her at the Battle City Finals, over a simple matter of Jou not being able to take her out, she remembered her giggling in the back of the convertible over a simple joke uttered to Jou. And she remembered...
"It's just a game, Mai-san!!!"
She remembered violently dropping the girl onto the darkened pavement...walking away, anger coursing through her like a burning sensation, leaving Shizuka behind out of pure rage...
"Mai-san...I...I like you...!"
She remembered throwing the cup she held shakingly in hand; That which she threw barely a foot away from Shizuka, hitting and breaking it against the wall behind her...
She doesn't understand...she never will. She's a child...
And the most bitter of thoughts passed through her head at that point, but all the same it was true, so true, and she could not erase it...:
Shizuka-san...you disgust me.
"Mai!!"
"Ah?" Mai snapped out of deep thought; in doing so suddenly felt the cold of the air around. She shivered involuntarily, hands digging into the warmth of her coat. She saw a blonde boy, grinning wildly, running (slipping, falling, getting back up) toward her. "Ah, Jou."
He had the decency not to add 'chan' this time, I'm impressed.
"Hey Mai! What's up?" He halted beside her, slowing to her speed as she walked down the sidewalk.
"Nothing. How'd school go for you today?" she replied boredly.
"THAT IDIOT KAIBA KEEPS INSULTING ME FOR THE PLACE I CAME IN AT THE FINALS!!! AGH!!" he yelled, much to Mai's displeasure. She grinned, though, sometimes Jou's complaints were excellent invitations for her own insults...
"You never told me what place you came in. Really, I'd like to know. Last? Did you even get a place? Don't tell me they didn't even let you play."
"Don't YOU start, Mai-chan," he responded teasingly.
He was whamped up the back of his head in response. "Don't call me Mai-chan..."
"OWW!!! Jeez, Mai..." a single tear speckled in an eye as he massaged the back of his head gingerly. His face lifted suddenly. "Ne! Mai! Shizuka-chan went out today! Did you see her?" he asked, trying to bring up conversation.
Mai paused, expression angering for a moment's worth, before it reverted to indifference. Her eyes closed gently. "Iie."
"She probably went out to see the snow," Jou grinned. "She loves the snow; Winter's her favorite season."
"Aa."
"Mai...are you angry?"
Mai's eyes snapped open, glaring down at Jou. "Nani...?! What would make you think that...?"
"You're tense. You're, well, trying to ignore everything that I say," replied Jou honestly.
"Tense?" Mai laughed. "Jou, you wouldn't know," she reassured him.
"Sure, I would..." he said, looking up at her slowly. Mai met his gaze, eyes locking awkwardly. Jou looked away quickly, seemingly embarrassed. He looked down at his feet as he spoke the next words: "I know you...Mai...I've known you for a while now...and I..." he blushed, "...understand you..."
...only want my looks, my skills, everything about me that they can see, not understand...
"...understand..." "Mai...I understand you..."
Mai stopped walking; Jou followed suite and their eyes remained locked.
"Mai...?"
She looked away, embarrassment washing over her. "Gomen. I just...spaced out there. Gomen," she finished. An expression washed over Jou's face, one she didn't recognize. "Jou...?"
Was he hurt...?
"Mai, will you go out with me?" he said, a little loudly, perhaps out of nervousness. Immediately he winced, as though another blow was headed for him.
Mai smiled solemnly, chuckling into the frigid air and lifting her head, eyes gazing into the gray sky.
They had reached Shizuka's hotel by now; Jou stopped, staring at Mai expectantly, causing her to laugh more loudly. She finally sighed, satisfied.
"Sure." Then she walked past him, toward her own house. When he was sure she could no longer hear him, he threw triumphant fists into the air, and yelled into the still air:
"YES!!!" He spun around, as though dancing. His hair collided with his features, and bits of snow landed on his rosy features, perfecting him and his happiness only more. Finally, he subsided, ending it with a thankful gaze at the sky, and trudged through the newly fallen snow to Shizuka's apartment.
"Niichan..." he heard a soft voice whisper, causing him to look up to its speaker.
"Shizuka-chan!! Hey!" he greeted. There was a moment's pause, and she leapt toward him, wrapping her arms around him in a desperate embrace. "Sh-Shizuka-chan!" he laughed, hugging her back obliviously.
Shizuka followed, though her eyes were widened in surprise, perhaps shock, and she spoke no words.
Mai-san...Niichan...you...
"I'm happy for you, Niichan..." she finally murmured into his chest, though she knew he heard nothing but a muffled phrase.
I really am...
To be continued.
1) Kohatsu -- a small table you sit at, something they use a lot over in Japan. When it gets colder outside, they put a blanket on it...in some way I have yet to figure out, and you get to cover up while sitting there :D God I wish they had those here.
A/N: I promised in the beginning that there would only be IMPLICATIONS at the Jou x Mai pairing...so, I'm sorry for having them hook up. I'm sure no one cares, after all, Jou/Mai is an adorable het pairing...but...yeah, I just went against my word, and I'm feeling bad about it. ::hits self::
I don't like this chapter. I really don't. It was too short, but anything else just didn't seem to fit here and now.
It's awkward going into Mai's POV now, after being in Shizuka's for 5 chapters straight now. Please let me know if I've made her OOC. Thanks!
Review Corner:
elsiey -- Yeah, about that, sorry I took so long...it was such a hard chap to write. Is it just me, or do all the Mai/Shizuka fics have that now, the whole Jou liking Mai thing? I dunno. I haven't read a lot. My fic was like the only one on this pairing when I started writing it. Thanks for reviewing, though!!!
gracie320 -- Thanks so much!!!
Yami no Marik -- Yeah...::breathes raggedly:: It only gets worse from here, I promise...as if that's reassuring...but yay! I can't wait to read your fic! I checked your bio and it wasn't there, so I guess I have to wait...::cries:: Thanks for the review though!