A/N: So first I would like to thank my reviewers, because getting reviews on the first thing you've ever posted is exciting. You know it is! I will try to R&R some of your stuff in return. If I can ever tear myself away from my own writing.

OK. I got a question about the Secret Council. Now, if I told you what it was, then it wouldn't be a secret anymore! That will be the topic of chapter 5. So mark that on your calendar! And I got a request for more of the healer, and that is comin' up, too!

You will also notice a few lines from Monty Python and the Holy Grail sprinkled in here because it's cool and I watched it yesterday. And I still don't own the characters. If I did, Legolas wouldn't be having this problem. OK—here we go again!

Chapter 4:

Legolas did not want to admit it, but he did feel better after his visit to the healer. But what would the other elves think if they knew that he needed...help? He quickly banished that thought from his mind and focused on the fact that his reputation was at stake and he could not afford to keep embarrassing his father and himself with his childish antics. Legolas was disgusted with himself over how these mysterious women were controlling his life. He used to love to wander in the forest and take journeys to visit his friends, but now he was afraid of running into someone every time he left the palace grounds! How ironic that he resisted the power of the One Ring and killed orcs by the dozen, but could not overcome this constant temptation. Legolas knew that nothing could clear his head like some time on the archery range.

At that very moment, some girl somewhere was reading one of Tolkein's books, or watching one of Peter Jackson's movies, or gazing into a mirror, or singing into a hairbrush, or something, and dreaming of a whirlwind romance with Legolas. Preferably in less than ten thousand words, because she still had homework for the next day to finish. And by the sheer force of Literary Magic, she suddenly found herself in the forest of Mirkwood! What are the odds! If she had been old enough, she should have played the lottery with those odds. But since she could not play the lottery, she was sitting on the forest floor, in a rather low-cut, revealing dress. It was probably dark green, with gold trim, but does it really matter? And (she instantly remembered), her dress was rumpled and torn in places because she had been running for days straight after a miraculous escape from some orcs who burned down her village...and murdered her family...and left her for dead. Yes, that seemed about right. She had various cuts and bruises all over her body, but despite this, her waist-length blonde hair was perfectly styled and her beautiful face was perfectly made-up.

And, with those lottery-winning odds, who happened by but poor, unsuspecting Legolas himself, not one minute after the unfortunate heroine arrived in the forest. With Legolas' superior elven sight, one wonders why he can never see this coming. But the girl, Mary Sue, saw him coming from miles away and accordingly adopted a sufficiently pathetic pose. In the best breathy voice she could manage, she wailed, "Oh! I am so attractive and helpless! I have suffered through so much, is there no elf who will comfort me?" She was lying face down on the forest floor, with her head resting in her folded arms. Mary Sue stole a quick look through her blond locks to make sure that Legolas was close enough to hear her before she continued, sobbing, "I am not even from Mirkwood! I have no friends here and have no where to sleep or tend to my injuries. It's a good thing that the ground is soft and mossy, because I will have to stay here until someone rescues me."

When Legolas caught sight of her, he immediately thought, "Oh, no! Not again!" But that was quickly replaced with, "Ohhh, look at her! Definitely orcs did that. But yet, she must be the most beautiful elf I have ever seen..." He could already feel his anger rising at the idea that filthy orcs could have harmed this fair creature. Legolas almost continued walking to the castle, but he couldn't. This time, he swore that he would help her quickly and then continue on his way. He definitely would not bring her back to the palace! He bent down to touch her shoulder and said, "Are you all right?"

As soon as Mary Sue heard his voice, she knew that she had Legolas right where she wanted him. She batted her eyelashes with great dramatic effect as she wailed, "Oh, Your Highness, I could not think of taking up your time! I will wait here and I'm sure that someone else will come along."

Legolas thought that this was a little bit suspicious, but shrugged and said, "Nonsense! I am already here and I am expert healer. I can fix you up in no time." But as he gazed upon her perfect figure, he thought, suddenly in the third-person, "He wanted to run his strong hands up her...No, no no! Not this time!" Legolas gritted his teeth and told himself, "Focus. Just look though your pack, get some salve, and get the hell back to the palace." Unfortunately, applying salve did involve running his hands up and down her arms, legs, back...And that's exactly what Mary Sue had in mind. Legolas rummaged through his pack while he attempted to ignore her fake groans of pain. Or was she thinking about something other than the orcs?

As he dropped to his knees on the forest floor to tend to her, Legolas knew that he was beaten. Again. And as Mary Sue sat up (with no evidence of pain), grabbed him by his cloak and pulled him all the way down to the ground, Legolas knew that his first mistake was even looking at her.

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As if to outrun the shame of experiencing another relapse, Legolas hurried back to the palace and safety. To his horror, there was a dinner party in full swing! Only one seat was empty: his, next to his father's. Thranduil was so confident that Legolas would be coming alone that he had instructed Siri not to set an extra place next to Legolas. Instead he hoped that Galadriel's...calming influence...would help his son.

Haldir was seated closest to the door, and was first to see the prince stumble into the room. Their eyes met, and instead of making his usual quip at Legolas' expense, Haldir just looked away. Rarely did Haldir miss an opportunity to embarrass the prince, but this time Legolas did not need any help embarrassing himself. Besides, it would be completely inappropriate for the March Warden to even acknowledge such behavior. He did not want any of the other guests to mistakenly think that he condoned it. But it did not take long for the rest of the guests to notice the prince's arrival. A wave of quiet passed over the room until everyone, including Legolas, was completely silent. Thranduil was relieved to see that Legolas had arrived alone, but he could tell by his son's appearance that he had not been alone for very long.

Seated directly to Haldir's left were Elladan and Elrohir, who were very amused by Legolas' sudden entrance. For some reason, Rivendell just did not experience the number and type of visitors that Mirkwood seemed to, and they wished that it did. They looked at each other in a manner that said, "If only we had been there to help Legolas! We could have saved him from almost certain temptation...and maybe had a little bit of peril ourselves. Perhaps next time."

Elrond was sitting between his sons and his daughter, who let out a little gasp in spite of herself when she saw Legolas. Arwen had heard stories about his...exploits...but she did not really want to believe that they were true. But when she saw him with her own eyes, she could not deny it: hair full of leaves and twigs, no cloak even though it was autumn, pants ripped in a most...unfortunate...place. Arwen shook her head sadly that such an honorable elf had been reduced to this by his own lust and quickly turned back around to see the reaction of her father. Elrond, as always, wore an outward expression of calm, but he really was reflecting on how glad he was that none of his children ever disgraced him like this. To some degree, he was ashamed that any elf, especially a member of the Fellowship, could behave this way, but since the cool relations between Mirkwood and Rivendell were no secret, he didn't feel too ashamed.

Arwen then turned to her other side to see her husband's reaction. Aragorn wore a look of pity for his friend. Aragorn had experienced one or two youthful indiscretions in his day, but never one or two a week, as Legolas seemed to. He wished that there was something he could do to help, but this was something that Legolas would have to conquer on his own. This new incident did not help with the restlessness that Aragon had experienced on his journey there. He knew that there was one person who could help Legolas, but would it be too late when that person finally got the chance?

Gandalf immediately wondered if his "drawing out the demon" trick would work on Legolas as well as it worked on King Theoden. But it did not seem like the right time to find out. What would happened if the spell misfired and ended up drawing Legolas the rest of the way out of his pants? Indeed, that was something that the guests just did not need to see. Especially while they were trying to eat. So Gandalf resolved to find Legolas later and ask if he could be of any assistance.

Thranduil looked at his son, at the empty chair next to him, and at Galadriel on the other side of the chair. The king wore an expression of utter helplessness as he silently pleaded for her help. Thranduil knew that Galadriel was herself a parent and hoped that there was some advice she could share with him. Of course, Elrond was a parent as well, but...well, he was not that desperate yet. Thranduil even suspected that Elrond might be enjoying this weakness in the royal household and did not want to give him any more satisfaction.

Galadriel received the wordless message loud and clear. As always, she wore a mysterious half-smile to hide her true thoughts. In her time in Middle Earth, she had seen many things. Legolas' behavior was hardly a concern in the grand scheme of the world. She had foreseen that this would be a temporary problem. Granted, she had not expected it to last this long, but she did not give it another thought. Instead, she leaned over and lightly placed her pale hand on Thranduil's clenched fist, reassuring him, "It will be all right. This will pass."

Celeborn and Rumil sat with their jaws hanging open, not even hearing Galadriel comfort the king. Subconsciously, they might have realized how rude it was to stare without even attempting to be discreet, but it was not evident. After a few seconds, they both turned a bright shade of red as it occurred to them what Legolas must have gone through to end up in that state. Definitely some rolling around in the leaves, and...someone did not waste any time getting into his pants. They guessed that it was not part of a usual trip to the healer. If it was, they both resolved to see the healer more often when they returned to Lothlorien.

Next to them, Faramir and Eowyn looked at each other in complete surprise, as neither of them had ever heard of Legolas behaving himself in such a way. At a dinner party, no less! Neither of them had known Legolas that well, but what they did know of him was nothing but complementary. He had a reputation for being quiet, calm, serious, loyal to his friends, but nothing like this! They immediately looked to their host for his reaction and were surprised by his calm. Perhaps Thranduil had experienced this scene before...

But of all the guests, none were more surprised than the hobbits. Especially Sam, who was not entirely sure what the torn pants and messy hair signified, but he knew that for an elf, it could not be good. Wide-eyed with horror, Sam whispered, "Mr. Frodo! What has happened to Legolas? Do you supposed that he was attacked by orcs? Or some passing bandits who stole his cloak and tried to steal his pants?"

Frodo had a little bit better grasp of the situation, but chose only to reply, "I do not know, Sam. Perhaps we shall have a chance to speak of it with him later."

Merry and Pippin glanced at each other with a mischievous look, but said nothing. They had heard rumors, and part of the reason they had wanted to come to the banquet was to discover if they were really true. With their suspicions confirmed, they looked at Frodo and Sam to see if they had figured it out yet. When it appeared that their companions had not quite caught up, Merry and Pippin continued stealing quick glances at Legolas and then looking back at each other, barely able to contain their laughter.

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Despite his grief, Legolas still marveled at how far some of the guests had to travel, and without any apparent cause, for these events of his father's. But he did not spend any more time contemplating this, as he ran for his chambers as fast as he could with his damaged pants. Admittedly, this was not very fast. Legolas hated to prolong the spectacle in the dining room any longer than he had to, but losing what was left of his pants would be decidedly worse. Climbing the stairs was an adventure all in itself. A servant looked at Legolas with the slightest smile as they passed and Legolas yelled after him, "Get me a hairbrush. And some different pants!"