Title: If Only
Author: KimK
Rating: PG
Keywords: Angst
Spoilers: Episodes with Diana - The End, The Beginning, Two Fathers, One Son and the Biogenesis trilogy
Time Line: Post Amor Fati
Summary: Mulder suffers from a rude awakening about his relationship with Scully.
Archive: Oh please do, just leave it like it is and let me know about it.
Feedback: Yes please. I ain't too proud to beg, but I would rather it not come to that.
Disclaimer: Not mine . . . hrmph. Don't sue, I'm filthy poor.
Thank you: Sara, my beta reader and pal. Also thank you Gillian and David for your hard work and amazing chemistry. Thanks goes to CC and Co. for, as annoying as it may be, leaving some things unsaid so we can do with the plot what we will. Definite thanks goes to the readers as well and your generous feedback.
Author's Notes: Mulder's behavior towards Scully when Diana was in the picture was just down right inexcusable and, dagnabit, the blasted mess was never cleaned up – why am I not surprised? Anyway, because it is never specified what Mulder is referring to in this short vignette, that is what this is all centered around. It takes place sometime after the hallway scene in Amor Fati. Many probably don't see it our way, but Sara and I see that scene as somewhat sad with a finality to it – as if Scully is letting go of what could have been. It's hard to explain and my author's notes are already longer than the actual fic so if that is hard to grasp, place it in Season Six somewhere and it will be fitting. Just know that Mulder is finally coming to his senses about the way he has been treating Scully. Enjoy!
XxX
There are times when she is just beyond my sight. Where once she was visible to me, growing more so each day, I now can only sometimes see her as a mere apparition.
If only I had not gone blind to the ever menacing downfall of what we used to be. What we could have been. If only I had realized the error of my ways before what is now apparent as irreparable destruction. If only . . .
I was close to allowing myself to love her. To her allowing me to. Now it hurts to touch her, the silence of unspoken words burning me to the quick. Gaining eye contact without having to see betrayal in her eyes would be a blessing. But to deny the fact that I did abandon her would be hiding the truth.
She's painted an ugly picture of me in her mind with my lies as the paint and my secrets as the palette. In a way I imagine it being like the portrait of Dorian Grey, yet with me each omission and act of deceit defacing the man she thought I was. I'm a stranger to her now and she has decided to pay me with the same respect, stepping back and becoming just my partner. Just a person I see from nine to five, no friendship attached, just business.
But I need her.
I trust her.
I love her.
And I've lost her.
There are times when I lose hope . . . that I will ever truly see her again.
End
Notes: That is all. Hope you liked it (loved it?). Feedback is much appreciated. Love!