Chapter 3: Exploding trains, pocket space, plotholes, and fun with colors!

Disclaimer: I don't own lots of stuff, but particularly not the wonderful and talented actor Sean Bean, the Description!Character format, urple, mini-Balrogs, the PPC, OFUM, or wilver. Kitkat owns Kalan and she invented bleen and its description ("like a poem where a line's just slightly out of meter and it drives you crazy"). I own OFUBPD, mini-Characters, my copy of How To Be A Villain by Neil Zawacki, and Loki, as well as the Darth Train theme song, however I didn't coin the phrase "Darth Train". Oh look mom, a run-on sentence! Cheers, and enjoy the fic.

            "So." Alec glared at Kitkat.

            "So." She stared right back.

            "So."

            "So."

            "So."

            "So."

            "I'm hungry." Kitty jumped up and down on the packed dirt ground as her stomach growled.

            "Okay, okay." Alec fiddled with a small keypad, and the door of the depot opened to the outside, where an incredibly cool train lay on the tracks.

            "Darth Train!" Kitty began making lightsaber motions. "Tscheww, tscheww…"

            Alec just ignored that and unlocked the train with a "beep beep" noise like a car.

            "Cooleth."

            Alec began to whisper. "Okay, now maybe if we go quietly enough, Xenia won't notice and-"

            "Too late." The aforementioned assassin stood in the doorway glaring at everyone's favorite Cossack.

            Alec cringed. "Busted."

            "Correct. Who are these…children?" Xenia asked.

            "We're insane." Kitkat smiled.

            "They could blow the whole thing!"

            "It's okay, we got Alec drunk and he told us the whole thing." Kitty stated calmly.

            "WHAT?!" Alec and Xenia exclaimed jointly.

            "There is no alcohol on my breath! See! NO ALCOHOL!"

            "I told you we should have just gone with the 'we're magicful' explanation." Kitkat muttered.

            "Yeah, whatever." Kitty seemed unafraid.

            "Loon."

            Kitty stuck out her tongue.

            If it were an anime continuum, the two canonicals would have sweatdropped. "Erm, yes, quite."

            "How do you know about the operation?" Alec asked; this being entirely new to him.

            "We're psycho."

            "Psychic?"

            "No, silly Trevelyan-type person. Psycho."

            Kitkat slapped Kitty. "Must you use that joke in EVERY fanfic?"

            "Yes." Seeing that the others had no clue what they were talking about, Kitty just said "Nevermind."

            Kitkat yawned. "Sleep for the Kitkat."

            "And for the Kitty too, double quicketh."

            Alec looked apologetically at Xenia and ushered the teenagers through the train to a spare room with a bunk bed.

            "Dibs on the top." Kitkat quickly blurted.

            "Fine, as long as you don't clutter MY bed with stuffed animals." Kitty growled. Trevelyan left them to their own devices.

            Thirty minutes later, he decided to check up on them. "Girls?" He asked, edging the door open and not noticing the "Keep Out: That means you, Alec," sign. "It's midni-oof!" He fell down as two identical black Kougra plushies by the names of Loki and Kalan hit him squarely in the head.

            "SOD OFF!"

            "Ow."

(.)(.)

            The next morning, the two semi-adopted girls staggered into the dining car, bleary-eyed. "Sleep good. Coffee now."

            "Why did you throw the plushies at me?" Alec glared.

            "We needed SLEEP, smart one." Kitty rolled her eyes. "And we were tired. VERY tired. Coffee now." She took a swig from a mug she had poured for herself. "Needs much sugar," she grumbled to nobody in particular.

            "Shut up, silly one." Kitkat gave her friend a playful shove.

            "I want to glomp teh Beany-z0r." Kitty muttered. "Teh glomp-z0rz of teh Beany-z0r is teh pwnage."

            "I hate it when you do that." Kitkat banged her head against the table repeatedly.

            "What-z0r? Tihs-z0r? Tihs is teh pwnz0rage." Kitty continued to speak in hax0r while Trevelyan looked confused. Hax0r was as good as an unbreakable code to them, for only the craziest and the newb-est could speak it, and Alec wasn't quite crazy enough. He would be in time, though, living with these fine specimens of insanity.

            "Now if you're going to be living with us, then you're going to have to build up your urple resistance."

            "Urple?" Alec raised an eyebrow. Kitty just showed him a vial full of what looked like paint, in a pinkish-purple color of the worst possible combination. "Oh dear LORD, my freaking eyeballs…" Alec shielded his poor sensitive eyes.

            "Exactly. Now check out bleen." Kitty grimly presented him with another vial of a bluey-green substance. It wasn't as bad as urple, but just bad enough so that prolonged exposure could cause insanity and twitching.

            "You also have to resist urple prose." Kitty looked at the vial unhappily. "Well, here I go, get a wastebasket, Kitkat." She downed the urple. Suddenly her voice changed to a syrupy-sweet, sugar-dripping, honey-tongued, Umbridge-like song.

            "Oh Trevvy-wevvy," she crooned, as Kitkat mimed gagging (taking notes on reactions), "I pledge my undying love to thee and thy eyes as blue as the sky!"

            Alec sat stock-still, speechless. It didn't matter that his eyes were a storm-grey, not a brilliant sky-blue as Urplefied!Sueish!Kitty testified (if anyone can guess where the they're-grey-not-blue debate came from, you get a cookie), all that mattered was that she kept talking, for if she was quiet, all the color and laughter would fade from the world…she became the most beautiful thing in the world to his eyes.

            "Come, my love, we shall get married and live happily ever after forever!"

            "Okay…my love…" Trevelyan replied dazedly, entirely entranced. He couldn't take his eyes off her. "We will get married straight off. I will do anything for you. And…stuff."

            "That's enough out of you!" Trevelyan looked startled, apparently he had forgotten that Kitkat was even in the room, harsh as an old raven's her voice sounded in his ears after the music of Saruma-er, Kitty. (Channeling Tolkien…--;) Kitkat force-fed her friend some Ramen (yes, that early), the purity of the precious noodles forcing the evil urple out of her system. To put it simply, Kitty turned an interesting shade of bleen and pulled a Spence (what Sean Bean did in Ronin, i.e. puked) into the wastebasket.

            "Ugh, I feel horrible…" Kitty downed some Ramen.

            "Urple, when ingested, displays tendencies akin to; the voice of Saruman, veela, Sues (no surprise) and…Helen of Troy, but these only occur on focused targets. The cure depends on the person." Kitkat ticked off the sheet. "There's another memo for the SO…"

            Alec was still a bit dazed from his close encounter of the Sue kind, and said nothing, openmouthed.

            "You bear a remarkable resemblance to one Sean Miller, did you know that?" Kitty asked conversationally, no trace of the horrid urple remaining.

            "Eurgh, what was that?" He finally ventured.

            "The closest thing to a Mary Sue I can stand without brutally murdering it," Kitkat said cheerfully, pulling a fudgy pop from pocket space. She blinked. "Whoa! Cool! Pocket space!"

            "Ooh, lemme try!" Kitty pulled a piece of toast from pocket space and spreading it with jam of the strawberry sort.

            "Interesting." Alec raised an eyebrow.

            Kitkat just happily continued licking her fudgy pop. "Fudge for Kitkat!"

(.)(.)

            At 10 am or so, Xenia emerged from her quarters and immediately began to boss the kids around. They had taught Trevelyan the wonders of second breakfast, and he was gladly setting forth. Then Ourumov and Natalya came in.

            Alec chose his words carefully. "Either you've brought me the perfect gift, General Ourumov, or you've made me a very unhappy man."

            The Russian only responded with "Mishkin got to them before I could", pulling out a flask nervously.

            "Bond is alive?"

            "He escaped," Ourumov drank a large gulp.

            "Good for Bond." Alec looked dangerously at his partner. "Bad for you."

             Natalya caught his eye and he began his (horribly misguided) attempt to be a gentleman. "Take a seat, my dear."

            A loud cough from a shadow sounded strangely like "Channeling Marik, are we?" Alec ignored it.

            Natalya, too scared to do anything else, obeyed. Alec began to circle her like a vulture.

            "You know, James and I shared everything…absolutely everything." He brushed a loose strand of hair from her face. "To the victor go the spoils."

            At that point, Bond's T55 had trundled up onto the tracks and awaited the train.

            "You'll like it where we're going. You may even learn to like me…" Alec tried to kiss Natalya, but two figures with spray bottles squirted him. They were, of course, Kitty and Kitkat.

            "OW! YOU GOT IT IN MY SMEGGING EYE!" Alec rubbed his eye, biting back some Polish curses. "I commend you on your impeccable aim, then. Jeez, what did you use?"

            "A secret blend of lemon, lime, water, hot sauce, and a few drops of urple and bleen!" the kids chorused, pleased with themselves.

            Natalya just watched this spectacle, highly amused. Then the driver spotted the tank and sounded the alarm.

            "Stay with her!" The Cossack spat at Ourumov. His two shadows and Xenia followed.

            Trevelyan inspected a monitor that displayed Bond's tank and sighed. "Bond. Only Bond."

            "He's going to derail us…" Xenia said breathlessly.

            Alec ran to a walkie-talkie and yelled at the conductor. "Ram him!"

            "What?" The conductor asked in Russian, believing that his boss had entirely snapped (which was highly likely).

            "Full speed! Ram him!" Alec bellowed.

            A large explosion rocked the train, and the girls knew that Bond had fired the main gun, turning "Darth Train" into as speeding fireball of doom that looked quite spiffy.

            The train and the tank collided, shaking the cabin with the force of a small earthquake. Kitty and Kitkat were unfazed. "Whee! Again! Again!"

            Alec came to and tried to grab his gun, but a very familiar foot pinned it to the ground. Guess who…

            Alec looked up at the menacing figure. "Why can't you just be a good boy and die?" He asked exasperatedly.

            "You first," he replied stylishly, keeping the gun trained on his foe. "You, second." He indicated Xenia. "UP! On your feet."

            Trevelyan couldn't help but smirk. "Situation analysis: hopeless. You have no backup, no escape route. And I have the only bargaining chip."

            "Where is she?" Bond asked with steel in his voice. Alec switched on the intercom.

            "Ourumov, bring her in." He flicked it off carelessly. "Lovely girl," he remarked offhandedly to Bond. "Tastes like…strawberries."

            "I wouldn't know."

            "I would."

            "PLOTHOLE!" Suddenly, a large plothole appeared right under Alec. He yelped, cartoon-style, and fell through, rematerializing five feet away.

            "COOL!" Ignoring Bond, he jumped in again.

            "Stop that!" Kitty remonstrated Trevelyan. She picked up the plothole and put it in her jeans pocket. "I've got a plothole in me pocket." She said, Ringo-style.

            "What if it reproduces? Like tribbles?" Kitkat warned.

            "Then it does. And we now have nice wonderful portals." Kitty grinned smugly.

            "Um." Said Bond.

            "Oh. I forgot. Canon events." Kitty rolled her eyes.

            "Okay, yeah. I'll pretend I understood that." Alec said slowly.

            "Wise, my friend." Kitkat replied.

            Ourumov came in, holding a gun to Natalya's head. "So, we're back to where we started, James. The girl or the mission? Drop the gun, I'll let her live." Alec sneered, attempting to radiate sincerity.

            Ignoring Alec, Bond turned to Ourumov. "Ourumov, what has this Cossack promised you?"

            The general stared as Bond continued, raising his voice. "You knew, didn't you? He's a Lienz Cossack." He said matter-of-factly.

            "It's in the past," Alec snarled, not wanting to lose an ally.

            "He'll betray you!" Bond yelled. "Just like everyone else." The last bit was almost silent.

            "Is this true?" The Russian asked, disbelief in his voice.

            "What's true is that in 48 hours you and I will have more money than God." Trevelyan rounded on Bond. "And Mr. Bond here will have a small memorial service, with only Moneypenny and a few tearful restaurateurs in attendance. So, what's the choice, James? Two targets, time enough for only one shot. The girl or the mission?"

            Entirely bluffing, as he is a sucker for the ladies, Bond replied, "Kill her. She means nothing to me."

            "See you in hell, James." Alec nodded to Ourumov and quickly dashed off with Xenia.

            "I take that to mean that we should leave…" Kitty said and followed at warp factor five, dragging her duffel bag behind her as Kitkat did the same.

            At that moment, Bond spun around and shot Ourumov in the head, as usual choosing the girl over the mission. He then shot at where Alec had been, but the Cossack had been too swift. Armor plating clanged down, and he proceeded to attempt to find a chink.

            "One inch armor plating." Bond thought aloud.

            A tad bit peeved, Natalya replied with, "I'm fine, thank you very much."

            Outside, Alec was wondering how the girls had followed so quickly and asked as such. "Talent," was the only response he received.

            A few seconds later, as a helicopter popped out of the top of the train ("Ooooo," said the girls in amazement), Bond and Natalya were working furiously on getting out of the train. Natalya had figured out that they should try to spike Boris, and Bond had started pulling up carpet on the inside to use his uber-fantastical laser watch-type-thing while on the outside, Alec and Xenia got into the front seats of the chopper. Kitty and Kitkat were quite content to sit in the rather small cargo area.

            So content, in fact, that they started singing.

            "A-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom, badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mush-mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger-AAAAAAA SNAKE, A SNAKE! SNAKE, A SNAKE!  OOOH, IT'S A SNAKE! A-badger badger badger badger-"

            Back inside the train, Alec's voice came through the intercom, along with a snatch of the badger song. "Good luck with the floor, James. I set the timers for six minutes. The same six minutes you gave m-"

            "Badger badger badger badger mush-mushroom, a-badger badger badger badger…" Bond and Natalya momentarily paused and raised their eyebrows quizzically.

"-For the love of dramatic sequences, will you two shut UP?! Er, where was I? Oh yes. Anyway, timers set for six minutes you gave me, etcetera, etcetera . It was the least I could do for a friend." He laughed sinisterly, as you do.

A "scary bananas" in a false British accent was heard from the intercom, along with a loud sigh and something that sounded like Alec was looking for aspirin. The audio was cut.

            Natalya turned to Bond. "What does that mean?" she asked fearfully.

            "The six minute thing means that we have three minutes to get out, the other stuff…well, I dunno. That was just odd…" Bond said as he continued to maul the carpet.

            Alec looked at his watch. "I give them a minute and a half to leave, if that."

            "Stupid godplaying bakyaro that Bond is, he'll get out at the last second…" Kitty growled.

            "Mi wanna see teh purty expalosions!" Kitkat pouted as the smallish helicopter flew away to God-knows where, as neither the movie or the book covers that. Time for some good old-fashioned improv, wot wot!

            As predicted, Bond and Natalya escaped at the last second, after magically finding Boris and the Janus Base.

            "Damn." Alec muttered.

            "FIRE!" Kitty and Kitkat broke into a rendition of Trogdor as the two semi-sane people in the chopper just kind of stared and realized that they needed to pilot the thing.

Gasp, wheeze, choke. Longest. Chapter. Ever. Almost two-thirds of the current fanfic (9 out of 15 pages). Chapter three is finally done. Chapter four will be shortish and I expect this to have seven chapters. A sequel (or two or three) is in the works as we speak.

Thankies from all, i.e. Kitty (me that is) and Kitkat.