Author: Shakia
Spoilers: Season Five, up to the most recent ep., What will be was Not
Summary: Harper remembers all the times he had with Beka and wishes they were friends again
AN: Dedicated to all those awesome people who reviewed in my fic, "No Such Thing as Friends" :D This story is obviously Harper and Beka angst, and is one of my very first Song fics! It was inspired by Linkin Park's (best band ever XD) song, "With You". Please tell me what you think on this and sorry if I messed up with the whole song ficness. -grins innocently-
Abandoned
Harper clutched his covers, wrapping them tightly around his body. His eyes were wide and with fear, darting around the room for any signs of the demons that had just haunted him. He was drenched in cold sweat, hot tears flowed freely from his eyes and he was shaking, badly. He gasped in shaky breaths and clutched the covers even tighter. Footsteps rang outside his room and his frightened and dazed eyes locked onto the doorway until a distressed blond could be seen at the frame, a look of worry and concern clear in her blue eyes. He winced as she cautiously entered the room, looking him over with deep concern. Without saying anything she grabbed a seat that was placed on the opposite side of the wall, dragged it to the bed beside him and sat down in it. His fearful gaze never wavered from her form. He knew she was there to try and help him, knew she wasn't going to hurt him, but somehow he couldn't stop the doubt to flow throug him, grabbing coldly at his heart. It had been almost seven months since she had rescued him from Earth and since then he had woken her up nearly every night with his screams. He had felt so bad, or more afraid for it and would appoligize over and over again, but to his shock she would dismiss it with a gentle hush and instead would ask what his nightmares had been about. It was almost a retuean for them now, but she never complained, was never reluctant to comfort him and never hated him for his stories.
"What happened Seamus?" She asked softly, like she did nearly every night, her eyes showing no signs of anger or irritability. Harper swallowed, casting his eyes to the floor. This dream had been different. It hadn't been about his past, like most times. This time in his dream he had been working in the Maru and Beka had stormed into the room. She had beat him bad, screaming at him, yelling and treating him like the kludge he still couldn't help to believe he was. It had been so real, more than most of his dreams. He took a shaky breath, wrapping his hands tightly around his body. She said nothing, only continuing to look to him with concern and worry. As he looked up to her he felt the lingering fear grow. Fear that she'd get mad at him, afraid she'd conferm his dream, admitt she kept him around only because he could fix things...admitt he really was worthless. Even after all this time he was afraid. "Seamus?" She pushed gently. He swallowed, before chancing a look into her bright blue eyes.
"Would you ever hurt me?" He asked, barley above a whisper. Beka looked taken aback by the comment and stared at him for a moment.
"Harper, after all we've been through? Course I wouldn't." She assured him, regaining composure. He lowered his head once more and took a deep shaky breath.
"I dreamt....you-you beat me. Hit me." He whispered, wincing and again flashing a frightened look up at her. "Then abandoned me." He continued quitely, afraid she would get mad at this. Afraid she would be furious at him for dreaming such things. To his surpise he felt a tight grip around his chin and his head was lifted up to meet her straight in the eyes. They shown no signs of anger or disgust, but instead, to his surprise, were caring, serious, passionate.
"Harper." She started clearly, studying his eyes. "I promise you, promise you I will never hurt you. I will never abandon you. No matter what Seamus, I will always be there for you." She said, speaking slowly, her eyes never wavering and her gaze never faultering. "That clear?" She asked, flashing him a weak grin. He gaped at her, but in studying her eyes, so free of doubt, so convinced, he felt his own doubts and fears vanish and found himself smiling back, feeling more relieved than he ever rememebered being in his entire life. "Come 'mere." She whispered, embracing him in a tight hug.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Harper awoke with a gasp, his eyes snapping open. He took shaky breaths, and it took him a moment to realize that tears were flowing from his eyes and a look of hurt and anguish washed over his face. After a moment he suddenly remembered exactly where he was and quickly wiped the tears from his eyes, flashing a look to where Doyle slept, or recharged, hoping she hadn't noticed.
I woke up in a dream today
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor
Forgot all about yesterday
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore
Upon seeing her closed eyes and still form he sighed and threw his head back onto his pillow. He hated that dream, that memory. He let out a shaky breath as his eyes began to become glassy with tears. He had had that dream too many times over the years. Where it used to bring hope to him when he woke up now brought grief he never thought he had been capable of. He felt so hurt, so betrayed, so broken. He had given her all his trust because of her promise, completley convinced she'd always be there for him.
"No matter what..." He quoted in a whisper to the dark room around him, feeling a few tears escape him and splash down onto his covers. He tried to keep hold of his emotions, tried to keep the tears from pouring down his cheeks, but found he couldn't. Every time he saw her it got worse, more painful. Every time he thought it couldn't get any worse, he couldn't feel anymore grief he had been proven wrong. Every time she hurt him it left a bigger hole within him. After recently when she had almost thrown him across the room into a group of people two times he had been drinking heavily. Every night, sometimes even left the bar to Doyle to. It hurt so bad, he had once even held a gun to his head, ready to fire it. He had ended up putting it down though, not fully knowing why. It wouldn't take much more to push him over the edge though.
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
Even though you're so close to me You're still so distant and I can't bring you back
The tears were now pouring from his eyes and he gritted his teeth, taking in shaky breaths and clutching his knees hard. He missed her so much. He missed the way she used to care about him. He missed the bond they had once shared. He sat there, shrouded in darkness, trying to get a hold of himself, trying to act like he had always done. Act like everything was fine. Act like he wasn't being torn apart, wasn't broken. He shut his eyes, steadying his erratic breathing, though couldn't stop the occansional sobs that escaped his lips. Finally, after a long moment he was able to get control of himself. He opened his eyes, the darkness greating him. After taking another shaky breath he slowly got out of the bed, feeling the cool metal beneath him as he staggered toward the door. He would go to the bar. Maybe there he could take his mind off things. He'd clean up the place some more since it'd take a while longer till he could....fix it...He shut his eyes briefly at the thought, not wanting to think of the fight. Of how Rhade had called him a kludge. Of how Beka hadn't argued with it, of how she had shoved him, hurt him. He shook his head, opening his eyes and trudging toward the bathroom to clean up.
- - - - - - - - -
Harper missed Beka. He missed her every passing second of the day. When he closed his eyes he could almost see how she once looked, the kindness in her blue eyes, the genuine concern. Now a days Beka couldn't even stand being in the same room with him for long. She thought of him as a kludge, he already knew this. He gave a deep sigh at the thought as he ran his rag over the surface of the counter before him, wishing desperatly she'd care once more. Or at least not hate him, or something...anything...
It's true the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories
Even if you're not with me I'm with you
He looked up from his work as a few people came into the bar, talking loudly and heading toward the counter. His gaze slowly shifted to the windows. The sun was just rising and a red streak of blood colored the sky, signaling the rising sun. He hadn't realized he had been here that long. One of the men from the group boomed out their orders and he absently poured them, his eyes fixing suddenly on the liquid pouring down into the cup.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
The barley man looked up at them expectantly, raising a brow.
"So, uh, what'll it be?" He asked gruffly. Beka scrunched her nose in distaste as a blond man on flash passed by them, laughing drunkenly.
"One of those for me," Harper began with a wave to the man next to them, "and, hey boss what kind of beer do you want?" He asked her casually, grinning up at her. He frowned when noticing her eyes were else where, looking over various flash fried and drunken people. "Boss!" He tried again, touching her shoulder. She jumped and looked over toward him.
"What?" She asked, blinking. He hesitated, but continued all the same.
"I asked what kind of beer you wanted." He stated nervously, feeling worry stir within him. She looked appalled at the idea and shook her head.
"Naw, don't touch that stuff or any kind of drug." She explained assuringly. Harper's brows rose and he looked at her in disbelief.
"Seriously?" He asked, taken aback. Though he had never actually seen her do it, he would've thought of her to be the person who would drink.
"I'm fine." She assured the man who merley grunted in responce and slid a mug of beer toward Harper.
"Boss, why are we in a bar if you don't drink?" He asked. She sighed and flashed an annoyed look behind her at the flashies.
"My father...died on drugs. I can promise you Harper, that'll never happen to me. This Valentine has never taken drugs, never, ever will." She assured him.
- - - - - - - - - - -
"Hey! Hey, idiot, you're getting it everywhere!" Harper snapped back to reality to find the beer pouring from the spout before him to be flowing over his hands, splashing down to the floor. He quickly released it, looking up to the group of disgruntled people before him.
"Sorry." He mumbled, setting the cup on the table and grabbing a towl off the wall behind him. He dried his hands quickly before pouring the rest of their drinks and handing it to them, this time giving them a sarcastic appoligy in an effort to at least look like he wasn't loosing it. He grabbed a few more towls behind him and began to clean the floor, soaking up the light brown liquid. As he worked the bar began to fill with more and more people. Soon it was filled with hushed whispers, load talk and even occasional giggles. People were at the counter, demanding their drinks and Harper abandoned his effort in cleaning up, absently obliging their demands. Finally when no one was asking for anything else he went back to cleaning, running the white towl over counter top. The door swished open and he heard the footsteps approuch the counter. Sighing, he tossed the towl behind him toward a sink and turned back toward the front. He froze for a moment at seeing who it was in front of him, leaning lazily against the table. Beka didn't notice his stiff composure, or the pain that flashed briefly over his eyes.
"The usual, Harper." She said with a sigh, her eyes wavering around her. He lowered his eyes, trying to pull up his mask, act like everything was fine. He always did that before and always got away with it. For some reason he couldn't manage it this time. The mask was just too cracked, too destroyed...Beka didn't notice though. She tapped her fingers impatiently against the counter top. He absently poured her a drink, his eyes again on the liquid. She had once said she would never drink. Harper often wondered if she even remembered. Once it was full he handed it to her. She fell back onto the chair in front of the counter and took a sip of her drink, unaware that Harper was still looking at her, his dazed and pain filled expression lost to her. He felt the lump in his throat and finally turned away, helping another customer that staggered up to the counter.
You, now I see, keeping everything inside
You, now I see, even when I close my eyes
Harper looked to the woman and handed her the glass which she snatched from his hand before heading back to a table crowded with people. He looked after her, though his eyes were dull, not even truley looking at her. He was deep in thought once more.
- - - - - - - - - - -
He was walking towards them, could hear their voices.
"He's gone insane." He heard Rhade assure someone.
"She'll be fine." He said reassuringly as he stepped into the room. Rhade and Beka turned to look at him and his breath caught in his throat. His eyes widened in shock and disbelief as he caught site of her. Dylan had told him she was here, but somehow he hadn't brought himself to believe it. He hadn't wanted to bring himself to believe that the person he had been waiting for so long was actually here. He wanted to yell for joy, to cry, to throw his arms around her all at once. He was so amazingly relieved, felt so much more happier than he ever remembered feeling. But then she gave him an unsure look, one of even a doubt he had never seen before when she looked at him.
"Seamus...What have you done?" She demanded. He stared at her in disbelief for a moment, before closing up on instict. Pain stabbed through him, and he felt a somehow unreal sence of doubt and betrayal. Out of everyone he had been so sure she'd understand. That she'd cry and hug him, tell him she'd missed him...He pulled up his secure walls and behind them he found himself in complete disbelief, complete pain and hurt as all his hope and trust he had was ripped away from him. How could she not care?
- - - - - - - - - - - -
"Seamus, hey Harper!" Beka said, snapping her fingers in an attempt to get his attention. Again he blinked, coming back to reality. "Wake up Seamus." He looked toward her. She raised her brow, holding a nearly empty glass. As he stared at her, a sudden flare of anger stirred within him. She didn't have a right to call him Seamus anymore. She didn't have the right to use the name he had allowed only her to call him when she had abandoned him so willingly. When she didn't care about him. When she hated him. Suddenly he couldn't hold the weight of everything that had been building onto him. The drinking, the nightmares, the memories, the crying, the gun to his head, the horrible racking sorrow that ate him alive. He didn't know how it happened. He wouldn't have imagined him to do it to her. She had been his hero, his gaurdian, his older sister, his angel. The reason probably had to do with she had once been and was no longer. Either way he found her fallen on the floor, his fist raised, throbbing. His face was red with anger and he let out hisses of breath through his gritted teeth.
I hit you and you hit me back
We fall to the floor, the rest of the day stands still
Fine line between this and that
When things go wrong I pretend the past isn't real
Instead of looking up at him in horror or ask why he had done what he had, she returned the punch, landing it in his chest. He doubled over, wheezing out a cough, though his anger mounted, along the pain. She broke him and she didn't even care. They, she, thought he was a kludge, worthless.
"What the heck is wrong with you?!" She snapped, wipping the blood from her lip. He glared up at her, his eyes dark and anger flaring within them.
"What's wrong with me?" He repeated through gritted teeth, trying to regain his composure. He gave a bitter laugh at that and manage to bring himself to his full hight. "Everything's wrong with me!" He yelled furiously, wincing as the still fresh pain stabbed through his chest.
"What the heck are you talking about Seamus?!" She demanded.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" He roared furiously. The pain burning within him was too much, he was sure it was going to swallow him whole. "You have no right!" He seethed.
"No right? What the heck are you talking about?" She asked again, though looked anything but concerned. He felt so angry at this, so furious. He felt the pain cry out for all it was worth, felt the swords of betrayal dig clean through him. How could she not know? How could she not realize how much she was hurting him?! The pain became too much, the weight too heavy. He felt the sudden burst of hot tears rush down his cheeks as he spoke.
"You were my friend, you were my sister, you were my hero!!" He sobbed angrily, his voice shaking slightly. "I used to think I was more then a kludge 'cause of you." He continued darkly, the tears flowing even heavier down his cheeks. He bit even harder with his gritted teeth as he looked toward her, a look of helplesness spreading across his face. "I thought you'd keep your promise." He said in barley above a whisper, his voice shaking so hard he wasn't even sure if she had heard him. He didn't care then, though. He instead reached down and felt his hands wrap around the cool surface of the weapon as he brang it out. Beka looked almost shocked, though he wouldn't have known. He allowed sobs to escape his lips and instead of pointing the gun toward her, slowly moved the gun to his own head. Beka's eyes widened in horror and he shut his eyes, his finger pressing steadily harder against the trigger. "You won't have to deal with me anymore." He said shakily. Just as he was about to fire, the gun was suddenly wrenched from his grip, the bullet shooting off behind him with a bang. He snapped his eyes open and made a grab for the gun which Beka held out of reach. She stared at him in utter disbelief and shock, keeping the gun behind her well out of arms reach. "Give it back." He demanded shakily.
"Harper...." She started in disbelief.
"I said give it back!" He demanded in a sob.
Now I'm trapped in this memory
And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react
Even though you're close to me
You're still so distant, and I can't bring you back
"No." She said, her eyes never leaving him.
"Why do you care now?!" He demanded. Beka didn't seem to know how to respond, just continued to stare at him, a mixture of feelings pouring through her eyes. The whole bar had been completley silent due to Harper's outburst, but now some of them suddenly yelled out comments to her.
"He was a stupid bartender anyways!" They jeered, recieving snickers and laughter from others around the bar.
"Harper....I had no idea." She whispered, barley aware of their comments. The anger within him flared at this, but the feeling of being utterly lost and broken was consuming him and he found himself collapsing to the floor, his body racked with sobs. He pulled himself against the wall, hugging his legs and burrying his head in them.
"You promised. You promised you'd never hurt me. You promised you'd never abandon me, you said you'd always be there no matter what." He sobbed helplessly, fear and hopelessness now accompinying his anger and sorrow. Beka jumped over the counter, landing beside him. He pulled himself closer, allowing the hot tears to spill over his knees.
"Harper...I-I...." She started. Harper could hear her voice shaking too. "I had no idea." She whispered honestly, kneeling down beside him, her voice shaking.
"Whatever happened to never braking your promises?" He shot bitterly through his shaking voice and sobs. A pained and horriefied expression flashed across her face, but again Harper wouldn't have known. He didn't care now. It was too late, far too late to ever believe she'd care for him again.
"Harper, so much has changed..." She started in a whisper. He looked up to her, his dark and angry eyes not lost to her.
"No matter what." He quoted grittingly. "'I promise I will never hurt you, never abandon you. No matter what I'll always be there for you.'" He shot in an almost mocking tone. Beka stared at him in disbelief, but again didn't speak. Of course she didn't. She didn't care about him, even after everything. "Just leave me the heck alone!" He snarled, struggling to pull his shaking body to his feet.
"No." She said suddenly, getting to her own feet and grabbing his shoulder. He glared at her, tears still washing down his face and tried to jerk away. Her grip was tight though, and he couldn't manage it. "Harper..." She started and swallowed, her own eyes filling with tears. She seemed to still be struggling with her words, even as she spoke. "For three months I had to go into a-..a darker side of myself to survive. I thought I was acting, only so I could live, survive. I thought...I thought when the time came I could bring myself back, thought I could finally move on with life. I-I....I really changed. I found myself not acting more and more..." Tears slid down her cheeks as she struggled hesitantly to explain, still unsure of what exactly she was saying. "When Dylan came I had changed. I still can't pull out of it...I-...." She paused again, briefly looking away as she still tried to find the words that evaded her. "I forced myself to forget everything that had happened." She whispered, her gaze returning to his, a look of desperation in them. "I never meant to hurt you." She finished weakly. His stony face never changed, never wavered and he tried to pull away again. He couldn't, not after all this time, believe she still cared.
"Just leave me alone." He whispered, managing to pull from her grip and head out from the counter. She turned to him but he suddenly found himself bolting to the door, unresponsive to her calls after him. He was outside in seconds, racing through the city and not even knowing exactly where he was going. The world was a blur of colors and all sounds were muted to his ears as he ran. He hated this pain, hated feeling this, he hated life. Why did life hate him so much?! Why had it torn everything he had ever had away from him?! He suddenly stumbled, landing to the ground in a heap of dirt and dust. He didn't bother to get up, didn't bother to wipe the tears from his eyes as they flowed down his cheeks. Why couldn't once in his life he not lose something? Why was he the target for everything that went wrong? He looked up to the heavens in desperation and anger, all hope lost to his dark eyes.
"You happy now?! You've won!" He roared to it, struggling to sit up. "I give up! I...I give up." He said with another sob, collapsing against a wall behind him.
"Harper." He jerked his head upward to see Beka's form standing there, looking down at him with deep worry and desperation. He was too tired to fight her, too sick of everything and let his head drop onto his knees.
"Go away." He whispered, hugging his knees protectivly.
"Harper, please, give me another chance." She pleaded softly and sank down beside him.
"I trusted you." He whispered, anger adapting to his shaking voice. Beka bit her lip as a few more tears escaped her.
"I know. Harper, I screwed up, I know I did. I'm so...I'm so sorry Harper." She whispered, daring to rest a hand on his shoulder. Automatically he pulled away, but looked back up to her, confusion reflecting in his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Why would she want this to work again, after all this time, after everything?
"Why?" He whispered, voicing his thoughts. She gave him a weak and teary smile.
"'Cause you mean the world to me." She said, again putting her hand to his shoulder. He winced, but didn't pull away, now not sure of what to do. "Give me one more chance." She whispered after a long moment. He hesitated, bringing his teary eyes to the ground. He was so confused, torn, and desperate not to be broken again. He knew that he would be valnurable again if he gave her his trust and yet needed this. Needed her. He clutched his legs tighter, but somehow managed a small nod, shocking even himself. Beka broke into a relieved smile as more tears spilled from her eyes. Her smile faded after a moment, though the relief was evident on her face. "One step at a time." She assured him, her hand never leaving his shoulder. "We can do this again, Seamus." She whispered. Harper found a rush of tears to great him at these words. He couldn't believe he had just heard her say that, was so shocked she wanted this to work.
"Ok." He mangaged, his voice cracked and still shaking. He couldn't believe he was doing this, couldn't believe he had Beka back, and honestly was sure he would wake up at any moment in his bed. Beka put her arm around him, pulling him closer to her, evidently worried he'd pull away. Harper didn't respond to her touch, still not willing to fall into the security he had Beka back, but yet not willing to pull away from her. "One...step at a time." He whispered so Beka barley caught what he said.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Harper lay on his bed as Doyle paced around the room, scolding him prefusley and demanding to know why he had tried to kill himself just hours earlier. Word had spread fast that he had put a gun to his head, though no one really seemed to care for the reason why, only assuming it was for the reason anyone did it. Seefra was hell.
"I can't believe you tried to do that Harper, don't you know I care about you?" She paused, and looked over to him. "Harper!" She quipped and he jumped, looking over to her, slightly dazed.
"What?" He asked blankly. She sighed worriedly and strode over beside him.
"You ever do that again, I swear I'll kill you myself." She sighed, resting a hand on his. He looked over to her and nodded absently, unaware to the fact that if he did indeed do it again she would have no need to kill him. "Harper..." Doyle started softly, trying to coax him into a responce. He sighed and shut his eyes, though nodded wearily.
"Yea, right, won't do it again." He mumbled wearily, completley drained of energy due to his break down hours earleir. She frowned, obviously wanting more from him, but he was too tired to try. She nodded, but gave him a warning glare, before heading to her bed at the opisite side of the room. He shut his eyes and took in a deep breath as he felt himself reluctantly drift to sleep, knowing of the demons he would soon be greated with.
No matter how far we've come
I can't wait to see tomorrow
With you
Harper awoke with a start, drenched in cold sweat. He gasped for air, taking in rattled breaths, tears spilling down onto his mattress. To his destress he had had the same dream he once had so long ago on the Maru, the night Beka had given him her promise. He was shaking so bad from the dream and continued to gasp in rattled breaths, allowing the tears to flow freely from his eyes. He turned over in his entanglment of covers, trying to free himself from his prison of sweaty covers, and jumped as he found there to be a pair of blue eyes looking down at him. He tensed and suddenly froze, unsure or not if he was still sleeping. But his dreams rarley ever consisted of good things. Beka was sitting on a chair pulled up beside him, and he rose his gaze to her face. His eyes widened in disbelief as he made out the genuine concern that shone in her eyes and blinked again, sure he would wake up. This had to be some kind of twisted dream or joke...didn't it?
"What was it about Seamus?" Beka asked softly, giving him a weak smile. He found that his jaw was hanging open and shut it, giving her an uncertain look.
"Beka...what-...what are you doing here?" He asked suspiciously, looking over her shoulder in an attempt to find the reasoning for her arival.
"Hey, I promised, remember?" She whispered, greating him with a warm smile. He survayed her with disbelief, but nodded all the same.
"Yea...yea, I remember." He replied softly, though took another glance over her shoulder.
"What was it about?" She said softly, her concerned gaze falling on him. Harper found a sudden sence of relief sneak into him, and couldn't help the smile that spread over his face. He couldn't believe it. He had Beka back.
The End
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Wow, I actually did a happy ending for once! That's a first XP So how'd you guys like it? Pleeeaaase review!! -bribes with chocolates and coffee-