Chapter 4: God damn Customs

Thankies to Pheonix Master, Kitkat, Taiin and Anonymous fer reviewin'!

pirate Arr, anonymous, Kitty an' Kitkat be me…an' Kitkat, o'course. /pirate

Jeez, what exactly is so uh…slash-y about Sean Bean that people want to write slash with his characters, like Bond/Trevelyan, Aragorn/Boromir, Legolas/Boromir, Frodo/Boromir, Everybloodyone else/Boromir…w00t National Treasure! I look forward to National Treasure-fic and dread it at the same time, because the slashers will pounce on poor Ian Howe (Sean Bean for the Sheffield-challenged)…

I wonder, would it be possible to have Don't Say A Word slash? Conrad/Koster…Oo EW! Oh my God, Bleeprin…that, friends, is bad slash. If that ever happens, let's just say me and Kitkat will have our hands full PPCing it.

Speaking of DSAW, the theological reference later in the chapter refers to , the funniest unintentionally funny site out there if you're not a Fundamentalist. Go on there and look for your favorite movie. Laugh at their idiocy as they call LotR a work of Satan. No, GoldenEye isn't up there, but maybe if they get enough emails from us it will be. Wish us luck!

Oh ja, I don't own Litchfield, Author, Cactus, Kate, Ruth, Mágelle, Ecru, or anything from Instant Classic by Brian Carroll. Or really anything in the chapter. Just have fun.

Warning: Slight TaBA spoilers ahead (even though it's not all down, I have a few assorted scenes and the basic plot, so don't kill me if I change my mind later and something in the fic is wrong. Shh!).

On with the fic!

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Kitkat, we just left forty seconds ago. Of course we're not there yet." Alec reasoned. Indeed, they had just left the exploded train in the chopper less than a minute before.

"…figgy pudding?" Kitty said randomly. She received no answer.

"Can we please kill them?" Xenia asked, more than a touch of exasperation in her voice.

"No." Three voices said in unison.

"They're annoying, but we can't kill them, all right? They could help us kill Bond." Alec said in Russian.

Kitty recognized the language and replied in "Russian", "Vhat are you talking about, Keptin?"

"Ye wee silly lass, he's talkin' about us, ye ken." Kitkat replied in "Scottish". Both languages-or accents, rather-stemmed from watching too much Star Trek. "Why else whid he change the language he was speakin'?"

"To confuse us, maybe. But vhy on Earth vould he do a ting like that?" Kitty paused. "Do you keep wodka on this ting?"

If there's one thing to be said about Trevelyan, it's that he's always prepared. An hour and a half later, they arrived at an airfield. Understandably, the girls had gotten bored at that point and were in the process of re-enacting comic archives. They drew lots, and the first one they picked was Instant Classic.

"Sjoirtatra-ldiua e tijky wovchoir owled-mijajaja jajaja-ja." Recited Kitty, black-capped, pretending to be Litchfield the mad autistic…er, artistic filmmaker. (Blame Kate for that one)

Alec was busy plugging his ears. "I don't need to know, I don't need to know, lalalalala…"

They arrived at a rather marvy small jet that could put Air Force One to shame (Well, at least the one from Perfect Dark anyway). It bore no outward sign of its rather special occupants. As soon as they got in the plane and took off, (Xenia was piloting, and yes I know we are underdeveloping her but she's going to die in the next chapter or so, so it doesn't matter anyway) the helicopter that they had been in exploded, simply because everybloodything else in GoldenEye explodes at some point, a true example of Bond logic.

"Pretty fire!" Kitkat grinned.

"FourTEEN!" Kitty yelled, for no apparent reason.

"You both have serious problems," Alec stared out the window.

"So, what should we do?" Kitkat snapped back to sanity for a bit.

"We can teach Alec something." Kitty replied, also becoming faintly sane. "Like knitting! Ooh, wait, then we would have to pledge allegiance to Richard Sharpe on him as I left all me good Beany pics at home…"

"What in the name of Legolas' strawberry-scented bubble bath are you talking about?" Kitkat asked quizzically.

"Er, nevermind, something from Bagenders. We could teach him to crochet, but then we'd have to pledge allegiance to Ioan Gruffudd, and we can't do that, no precious."

"Well aside from that, none of us know how to knit or crochet." Kitkat said logically.

Kitty's face fell. "Oh yeah."

"How about the finer points of smashing people's heads in while playing GTA 3?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Ooh, wait, we don't have a TV on board…" Kitty appeared to zone out and looked as if she were listening to something far away. This continued for several minutes, and Alec was really beginning to worry about her, when out of the blue, she said, "God says the movie Don't Say A Word is evil."

Alec jumped. "Whoa! You can talk to God? Does that mean He exists?"

"Aside from Tolkien, I know no god. I don't know about anyone else. I just was mentally rereading a movie review by Fundamentalist Christians. 'Ooo, Koster kidnapped Jessie, that makes him BAD! But Nathan Conrad burying him alive is perfectly all right', precious….it makes us angry, it doessss…." Kitty bared her teeth and hissed in a Gollumish manner.

"What?"

"Nevermind. And some people I know think that you are as menacing as a Care Bear."

"That menacing, eh?" Alec pondered.

"No, I mean really, really horrendously ineffective. Like as menacing as a tribble."

"Wha?" Alec had momentarily gone stupid and forgotten about Star Trek.

"Bah, forget it." Kitty paused. "Is one of your skills 'fire combat'?"

"What, like firefighting?"

"I don't know, fire combat is all it said."

"All what said?"

Kitty got that far-off look again. "Websites…"

"Well, this is all very interesting," Kitkat said crossly, "but it still doesn't solve the problem of what we're going to teach Alec."

"Fire combat?" Kitty asked.

"We don't even know what that is." Kitkat rolled her eyes. "Maybe…" An evil grin spread across her face and she turned to Kitty. "D'you think so?"

"Ooh, yeah! Great idea, Kitkat!" Kitty's eyes lit up at the thought as she caught on to Kitkat's evil scheme. Then, to shake off suspicion, she grabbed a few strands of film out of pocket space and wiggled them around. "Film jellyfish…"

Alec simply raised one eyebrow. "Riiight. So what are you going to teach me then?"

"We are going to teach you…how to…play…" Kitty paused for effect.

Alec couldn't take the pressure anymore. "WHAT?" He exploded.

There was a loud "Whump" as a random Dance Dance Revolution machine appeared on the plane. "DDR! w00t!" She chose "Space: 1999 Funk 64" (a ten-minute long track, and thus very difficult) and began to play, humming along to the track.

"What is this new madness?" Alec asked, slightly concerned for his sanity, and faintly recognizing the underlying music theme and sound clips.

"Ah, I see that you know not of the Dance Dance Revolution. It is a very fun arcade game where you stomp arrows according to patterns on the screen. Try it!" Kitkat explained.

"All right." He gave in and started dancing to "Get Down Tonight" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band on another spontaneously generated machine. Eight hours later, Alec was the DDR master.

"Nap time." He simply said and fell asleep.

Xenia walked into the cabin. "Alec? We have a slight problem-"

"Shh!" Kitkat berated her. "Trevvy-san is sleeping."

Alec opened one eye. "No I'm not. What're you talking about?"

"Well, you were sleeping!"

"Oh yeah, for about ten seconds there." He retorted.

"Did you know that the average human falls asleep in seven minutes?" Kitty asked.

Kitkat eyed her warily. "That was random."

"Yes. Yes it was."

Alec sat up. "So…what's the problem then?"

Kitty groaned. They had been diverted to the U.S., and on top of that, they had to go through Customs and Immigration before they were allowed to proceed to Cuba.

"Asshat." Alec grumbled. He hated Customs, Immigration, and the bloody USA. "Asshat to the tenth power."

"Tell me about it." Kitkat muttered, already sick of Miami's international airport.

"Limeage." Kitty snacked on some Key Lime Buds that she had bought at one of the convenient airport shops.

"Well, I have my passport ready, how about you, Alec?" Xenia asked, brandishing her (fake) Russian passport.

"Here." Alec waved his (also fake) British passport, then stopped as a thought occurred to him. "Oh crap," He said, "The girls haven't got passports."

"Sure, that's what you think." Kitty pulled an (also also fake) Australian passport from pocket space as Kitkat grabbed an (a fake passport once bit my sister) Icelandic one. Now, it was their turn.

"Hi," said the rather large security officer. "Can I see your passports, please?"

"Oh, sure." Alec passed him all their (no, really! She was carving her initials on the side of the passport with a sharpened interspace toothbrush…eh, right, fabricated) passports and awaited approval. After a moment, the rather large security officer grunted as he handed them their passports, which were all in perfect order, and waved them on.

Alec inwardly sighed with relief. He had some friends in many governments who had fabricated his, Xenia's, and Ourumov's passports, but since Ourumov had joined the choir invisible, his had exploded with "Darth Train". He didn't know how the girls had managed to pull that off, and they weren't quite sure either.

They arrived at Customs a few minutes later, to be met with another rather large security officer.

"Are you transporting fruits or livestock of any sort?" He asked.

"Not to my knowledge," Alec replied, flashing the debonair smile that either he had picked up from Bond or vice versa (they had been constantly arguing over who invented it).

"Oh, really? Any firearms or weapons of any sort?"

Trevelyan laughed. "No, nothing like that." What he was thinking was along the lines of: /If I had any, do you think I would tell you, you fucking moron?/ Indeed, Alec had a Desert Eagle and a dagger in his carry-on, specially hidden and shielded with lead not to appear on any X-rays or metal detectors. He was sure that Xenia had done the same, and fervently hoped that the girls had possessed enough common sense to follow his lead. There were no weapons in their bags at all, just the GoldenEye controls.

The guard picked up the main control. "What's this?"

Kitkat came to the rescue. "That, dear sir, is a revolutionary new CD case. The CD contained within is comprised entirely of J-pop and techno…"

Said officer dropped the controls back in Kitkat's suitcase like a hot potato. "All right, everything's in order, you may go."

Once they had gotten back on the plane, Alec asked how Kitkat had known that J-pop and music like it would disinterest the guard.

"It was easy, all I had to do was remember the blokes from Falls Church, who really don't like anything multicultural or new. The guard seemed to be that type." She remarked offhandedly.

"Guh, whatever," Alec opened a bottle of rum. "Hmm, DDR while drunk…"

They arrived at the base in good time, even going by helicopter. Alec was sleeping, so he didn't mind their mode of transportation, because, for some reason yet unknown to everyone who hasn't seen the special features on the Fellowship of the Ring Extended Edition, he hated helicopters 1. Scared to death of the things. The only reason that he was so calm on their prior flight was that the aspirin he had taken was laced with a mild sedative. He stirred in his sleep and hummed something that sounded like Burning Heat, his best song on DDR.

"Quite talented, inne?" Kitty asked absently, staring out the window at the seemingly endless jungle below.

"I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind, that I put down in wo-oh, yeah." Kitkat had been listening to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack. "How wonderful life is, now you're in the world…"

"This is the coolest trip ever. No, wait, Middle-earth was pretty cool."

"Okay, this is the coolest trip ever this month."

"Fair enough."

"Alec, Alec, wake up, we're here." Trevelyan awoke to Kitty gently shaking him and the sight of his wonderful base looming up above.

"Jet lag…DDR…exhaustion…sleep." He closed his eyes again. No matter how cool his base was, it couldn't beat sleep.

"Oh, let's wake him up, I don't feel like carrying him in." Kitkat grumbled. Apparently the jet lag was getting to her too. Kitty waved an alarm clock into being and buzzed it in Alec's ear.

"Huh? Wha? I'm awake, really." He sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Mmf, what time is it?"

"Time is relative." Kitty said cryptically.

"Don't give me that Einstein bullshit."

"It's Einstein? Really? I thought those really ugly aliens in Space: 1999 said that. Anyway, it's seven pm here, but three in the morning in St. Petersburg." Kitty mentally calculated the time difference and marveled at her madd 1337 skillz.

"Ugh, I want to dieeee…" Alec blinked owlishly and massaged his temples.

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have had that fifth bottle of Brugal on the plane." Kitkat scolded.

"What's wrong with rum? I like rum. Especially the Dominican kind." Kitty hugged him. She was part Dominican herself. And the Republica Dominicana was only one Caribbean Sea away.

"You alcoholic." Kitkat shook her head.

"I'm not."

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"You think I'm bad, you should see how Bond drinks. Damn, I swear he had ten vodka martinis once…couldn't even walk, silly bugger. Had to help him back to his room. That was in '85, I think. We were in Barcelona." Alec recalled. "It was a pretty cool mission, actually. Had to assassinate a Columbian cartel leader."

"You know, if we hadn't not manifested that TV, I would swear that came from Grand Theft Auto." Kitty rolled her eyes.

"What?"

"Never mind."

"Wait."

"What?"

"I just realized something." Alec said. "I don't know how to get in."

"Jump in and roll down the dish to the center and sneak in?"

"No, too Bond-like. There's got to be a normal entrance somewhere."

Xenia sighed and walked over to a clearly labeled door. "Maybe over here, you retards." She said exasperatedly. "God, and I wonder who's the brains around here."

"Shurrup. You're not…not…rummed up drunk …gin rummy…rumz0r…" Alec slurred. "I can't feel my teeth."

The next morning (or what I can only assume is, based on the movie as well as John Gardner's INCOMPREHENSIBLE version of GoldenEye), Alec was suffering from jet lag, as well as a rather large hangover that had been plaguing him for an hour and a half.

"G'morning." Kitty slapped a few sobriety pills into his hands. "Take three of these and call me in five minutes. They're sobriety pills."

"Wow, they make these?" He asked, swallowing the small capsules.

"No, they don't. I do. Oh, by the way, they're not quite perfected yet and may have some side effects such as dry mouth, itchy rashes, death, and the inability to blink five times in a row and say 'piranha' without giggling insanely."

Alec choked. "Oh God! Death?"

"Try the piranha thing. If that happens, you don't die." Kitty said sensibly.

"One, two, three, four, five. Piranha-snerk. Heheheheh. Tee hee."

"That wasn't a fabricated reaction, was it?"

"Smeg, I hope not." Alec sighed. "Hey, my hangover's going away!"

Kitkat then decided to run into the main control room, waving a pair of old socks with Númenórean patterns woven into them. "Ph33r the socks!"

"Ai Valar, those aren't Boromir's socks, are they?" Kitty asked.

"Guess." Kitkat said happily. "I stole the sockses…" 2

"Somewhere, Boromir is waking up. And he is wondering where his favorite socks are. Put them back," Her friend warned. "Or bad thingses will happen. Involving Boromirs."

"Aww," Kitkat opened a small portal and dropped the socks in.

Meanwhile, in Gondor, Boromir looked on top of his journal that he had taken on his little journey with the Fellowship to find his favorite socks. "There you are," he grumbled. "But how did you get there? I specifically remember putting my socks over there…" He blinked as a quick image of nine strangely familiar, yet strangely…alien people flashed through his mind. That sort of thing seemed to happen increasingly often. He seemed to remember them interacting with himself and the rest of the Fellowship…then he blinked and the images and memories were gone.

Uh, anyway, back at the ranch, eh, Janus base…

1 As Sean Bean himself stated on said commentary…or was it special features? Meh, unimportant. He hates helicopters. So after I heard that, I watched the train scene in GoldenEye again, and just before the camera switches from the inside of the helicopter to the inside of the train, you can see a slightly uncomfortable look on Beany's face. Freakin' hilarious.

2 From an MST by Al's Waiter. Phoenix (a Sue) had a ring as powerful as Boromir's socks, according to Legolas. I put it in because I was reading it at the time. Free publicity for AW from me.