Title: The Land of Nya
A Prince of Tennis fanfic
241104
One-shot
Disclaimer: Do I look like a guy to you? No, wait, don't answer that.
This is for Eve, Haibara, JL, and Gerry-nyah. Happy holidays! Please don't get yourselves killed, especially Eve. And JL, please don't kill anyone.
Once upon a time, in a far away land called 'Nya', there lived King Eiji and his loyal subjects. Now, although many said that the King was too young and immature to rule the country, they had no say in the matter, and King Eiji stayed on as King, so there.
Now, although King Eiji was a capable King whom everyone loved as he cared for each and every citizen residing on his piece of land, hoi hoi, his staggeringly amazing prowess was aided by his trustworthy advisor, whose name was Oishi Syuchiro.
Oishi was a noble man who worried more than was considered secure for a normal state of mind, but everyone loved Oishi (just like everyone loved King Eiji, nyah!), except for when he used the word 'dude' because when he used that word, it sounded too much like he wanted to become a punk, as he flourished it with an accent that was just plain weird, and wanting to become a punk was simply not becoming of a state advisor of King Eiji, da ne! But Oishi was a good and kind man, and no one wanted to break his heart by telling him that his pronunciation of the word 'dude' left much to be desired.
King Eiji also had a General to lead his troops into battle should there be one, hereby known as the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu! Now, the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu was a good man and all that, but was laden with an infinitesimal problem. It was so diminutive that one might not even notice it if one was not observant like King Eiji, hoi hoi, or overly worried like Oishi. However, King Eiji had observation skills that were second to none, and Oishi had a worried complex that topped the scales.
This problem stemmed from his lack of ranging facial expressions and his tragic disability to communicate via the larynx. Now, in today's present and conventional world, this might not have posed as a problem, and the worst that could arise from this situation would be his failing of any oral examination, the lack of acquaintances, which would lead to a few minutes in the counselor's office, and maybe to the label of him being an autistic human being. But that was as far as the situation could go. However, in the land of Nya, there lived witches and fairies and other such magical creatures. And, as a result of an unpleasant encounter with one such hideous witch, the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu came out cursed.
You see, what happened was that the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu was taking a stroll by himself to enjoy the peace and quiet of nature (after having to spend an entire evening listening to Oishi's 'dude' and King Eiji's 'hoi hoi!') when a witch vaporised out of thin air and cackled evilly, as all witches I know do.
Although she was evil, the stunningly breathtaking features of the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu were enough to melt the ice encasing any girl's heart, and the witch was no different (she was playing truant when the Academy Of Magical Arts was dedicating the entire semester to the topic of 'How to resist the charms of the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu'). As a result, she dropped to one knee, looked into his golden orbs with shinning eyes and breathed "Marry me."
The Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu took one look at her, shuddered inwardly at her odious appearance, and replied impassively, "Hn. No."
The evil hideous witch (who happened to hail form the south) plunged her wand into the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu's chest, cackled, yelled some unfathomable words, cackled some more, and dissipated into thin air.
Later, the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu realised that she had cursed him twice. Once with a curse that supplied he was only allowed to speak seventeen words a week, and the second curse was that - at the stroke of midnight every month, when the moon was at its brightest and fullest, he turned into an ice statue, only to return to human form once more when the first rays of dawn appeared the next day.
His knowledge of the curse even before he experienced any effects of it was due to the fact that he possessed extraordinary deduction skills. It was because he was forced to read fairytales when he was a kid and as characters were sometimes cursed, he put two and two together and came up with the two curses. It stemmed from his greatly astounding ingenuity. But mostly, it was because the witch had left a letter by his beside table telling him of it all. She also explained that she gave him a seventeen-word usage because she liked the number seventeen.
This would not have really bothered the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu, but he was a general, and general's had to give commands, and sometimes, wars dragged on for years and years, and would undoubtedly cut into his changing into an ice sculpture. He fretted and worried (as much as a person of his character could, which wasn't a lot).
However, it was unadulterated luck that so far, King Eiji and co. had managed the kingdom well, and there was no need for him to lead his troops during any wars, for there were no wars. But, being prepared for all occasions was his motto, and the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu had already thought of a solution for this when he was fifteen years old and still playing tennis for his school. The trick was to keep the peace. He was a genius.
How King Eiji and State advisor Oishi came to know of the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu's predicament is another story, for another time.
Apart from a General and a State advisor, King Eiji also had a Chief Palace Cook, by the name of Takeshi Momoshiro, although he insisted that everyone address him as 'Momo'. A towering well-built fellow with a ready smile, he made the best hamburgers (nyah!), and boasted an amiable personality. The only person he could not get along with was the Castle's crystal ball gazer and data guy extraordinaire – Inui Sadaharu-'s apprentice – Kaidoh Kaoru.
He seemed to bear an affliction for vipers, and Kaidoh was considered rather viperous. Their numerous fights resulted in the docking of their pays for years, meaning that they were bound to the castle to repay their debts, and it was a good thing that they had no intention of moving anywhere for a good period of time.
As previously stated, the castle had within it's grounds a crystal ball gazer who was never seen without his glasses (or something blocking his eyes), his notebook, his pen, his crystal ball, a canister of his latest juice, and, naturally, his clothes.
Besides reading completely irrelevant tennis data of players whose names sounded really familiar but whom King Eiji could not quite place, Inui liked to pick on helpless victims to taste his latest juice. Many a soul suspected that the juice was actually a poison not really in disguise to knock all of them out so that he could get the crown and rule the land of Nya, and, eventually, the world.
Many a soul would be correct.
However, Inui's juices were just powerful and deadly enough to knock King Eiji (or anybody) out for a mere hour at the most, which wasn't really enough time for someone, even someone like Inui, to take over the world.
Inui had, as mentioned above, an apprentice. Kaido was a baffling creature. Though possessing characteristics disturbing similar to a snake's, Kaido had a soft spot for kittens and cats. It was a rather endearing aspect, really. Kaido, however, seemed to think that towering well-built fellows with ready smiles, who flew around the kitchen whipping up tasty hamburgers and happened to boast an amiable personality was as far from a kitten as you could go, thus the animosity between Momoshiro and him.
King Eiji had to go places sometimes, and to do that, he needed a hansom coach driver. One day, a young, nervous looking guy turned up in reply for the ad he put in the papers for a driver. At first, all present were doubtful that he could ever manage this, but after receiving the whip, this Kawamura guy's clothes caught fire, he started yelling random English words, and the coach went faster than it had before. It decided that should the need arise for a coach driver to bring them around at high speeds, the burning guy would do. And since King Eiji was always bouncing around at high speeds, for he considered wasting time to be a capital offence, the weird dude was always at his service.
Along with Kawamura came a perpetually smiling guy with hair an enviable shade of russet and a hidden agenda.
He rarely opened his eyes. And when he did, they were a pretty shade of blue, nyah! Of course, people were more concerned by the way he was looking at them and wondering if they would survive to eat their next meal to appreciate the azure gaze, which Fuji (the smiling guy) thought was a major waste. But seeing as King Eiji soon formed a fast friendship with Fuji, he did not worry about petty details like wondering if he would get to eat his next meal.
Fuji became his External Affairs Minister, and being the scheming manipulative guy that we all know he is, King Eiji never had any trouble at all with any external affairs whatsoever, and especially not wars (which the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu was extremely grateful for).
All was fine and well. And then, one winter's night, there came a knock on the door. All heads swivelled towards it. Finally, King Eiji cart wheeled over to it and opened it, revealing, a short guy.
The short guy snapped, "I'm not short!"
King Eiji ignored him and glomped the short guy, smiling blissfully. "NYAH!!!"
The short guy tugged the beck of his white cap further downwards in an irritated movement and asked King Eiji to let go of him, all the while moving towards the table, where he took a hamburger and munched down onto it.
The Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu looked at him and said, "Who are you?"
"Echizen Ryoma." The short guy said, all the while never looking up.
Kaido hissed, which everyone managed to interpret (correctly) as his disapproval for the kid with no respect.
"Show me your swordsmanship. Become Nya's pillar of military strength."
Ryoma shrugged empathically. "Mada mada dane."
Then, because he had four words left, of the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu thought it over carefully before saying, "Nice to meet you."
And that was how of the Great Noble Stoic General Tezuka Kunimitsu desu's ration of words for the week was used up. It was Monday.
I mean, and that was how Echizen Ryoma came to the castle of King Eiji. As everyone came to realise soon, though the boy possessed great potential in almost every aspect that they could find, the kid was arrogant.
But that did not matter, because he was really cute, da ne!
The End.