Disclaimer: (shoves someone under desk ) Please be quiet and stop moving about, you're tickling. Oh, hello. I do not own any of the Potterverse characters and have no idea about where they are currently hiding (tosses a bar of chocolate under the desk).
Chapter 2: Lunacy, Table for Two…
Remus followed the toothsome barmaid into the tavern. He sat at the bar and took a moment to study her as she went about getting him a drink. She was tall, curvy, and disturbing. Not that she wasn't nice to look at, he decided she was very easy on the eyes but her long snow white hair and piercing light blue eyes made her look almost otherworldly. She leaned in and handed him a drink.
Remus caught a whiff of her hair as she pulled away. "I'm sorry to ask, but are you …"
"A werewolf?", she finished for him. "Yes, love, I am. I must say that if you are normally this quick of a study, I'm surprised they made you a DADA professor. My ol' Gram was quicker on the draw, of course, she was a werewolf too and quite cankerous."
"How did you know I was a DADA professor?", he asked slightly puzzled.
"I do get the papers. Just 'cos you lot don't believe in us doesn't mean we don't believe in you.", she said sagely.
Remus cracked a smile, finally believing he wasn't going mad quite yet. "Where are we?"
"You, my good sir are at the Oak and Holly Bush, a fine establishment dedicated to serving those that are never truly seen. And I am Mistress Esmeralda Cringle, proprietress of this stop over between differences in perceived reality.", she said with a small flourish and bow before moving to the tap to pour another drink.
"How so?", he asked, flashing a sly grin.
"Things that aren't supposed to exist can come here for a moment of relaxation before going about doing things that are the things of dreams according to muggles and wizards alike.", she said as she pushed the drink down the bar to a tiny witch with butterfly wings that was hovering about a foot off the ground.
"How did I get to be here then?", he asked slightly bemused.
"You are in the last refuge for imaginary creatures, and only imaginary creatures can gain access to this little sideshow.", she said kindly but sternly.
Remus took a swig of his draft and raised an eyebrow. "Are you saying I don't exist?"
"No, I'm not. How many wizards believe in good werewolves that would rather teach their children than eat them?", she finished coyly before sashaying away from the bar to deliver drinks to a party of tiny men in green and red clothing. Remus took this time to think about the events of the day. He was broken from his contemplation when a fight broke out on the far side of the room between a huge rave and what look like a hedgehog. Sensibly, he chose this moment to go find a table to sit at away from the crowd.
Remus sat in the corner of the tavern nursing his third stout of the day, wondering at what point he had finally gone mental; completely, totally, utterly mental. For Gods sakes, he was sitting in a pub filled with all sorts of imaginary creatures. The only normal one of the bunch was the barmaid and she was not only a werewolf but talking to the lot of them as if it was quite normal to chat about national healthcare with the tooth fairy. She had to be a nutter, he thought to himself. Well, at least she's an attractive nutter, he pondered as he drained the rest of his pint.
Esme was over to give him a new one in two shakes, two shakes that were emphasized by her curvy figure and sassy manner. "Thank you, Esmeralda.", he said with a curt nod and she headed back to the bar.
His attention was brought back to his table, when he head one of the chairs scrapping across the floor. He looked up to see what was going on to find what looked like a small, mangy wolf sitting next to him.
"Que pasa, lobo?", the creature asked in a scratchy voice.
"Pardon?", the wizard replied.
"I said 'what's up wolf?", it kindly repeated, baring its teeth in what it thought passed as a smile.
"The ceiling?", Remus responded not sure why his hallucinations were talking to him.
"Funny, wolf, funny.", the creature retorted. "No really, why you here? Your kind usually hangs with the wizzers."
"You mean the wizards?", the werewolf replied helpfully.
"No wolf, I mean the wizzers, 'cause they piss on everything they don't understand. You either a monster or a figure of someone's imagination.", the creature said with a hearty chuckle. The creature then extended his paw towards Remus. "They call me Coyote. What's your name?"
Remus took the creatures paw and shook it. "Remus Lupin.", he replied as brightly as he could manage given the circumstance of being mad. He noticed Coyote's eyes drift towards the door.
Coyote's eyes followed an elderly wizard, who was being escorted out by Esme. " 'Nother one failed. No wonder, nothing but wizzers and freaks applying. See Esme, she'll take him outside and BAM," he shouted the last word making Remus jump. "He'll be oblivated. Poor perro.", Coyote somberly continued but he started sniggering. "Not! Stupid wizzer. So why you here, wolf?"
"I'm here to interview.", Remus said with a slight growl.
"Calm down wolf, chill. Just asking.", Coyote backpedaled. "I didn't know, I thought you were just her for some lobalita action." He gestured towards Esme. "I've had some, very nice. But she'll only give me the time of day on the full moon. Something about not liking to date outside her species.", he said with a shrug.
The pair sat in silence until Esme came back to refill their drinks. "It will only be another ten minutes, Mr. Lupin.", she politely said to the werewolf before turning to Coyote. "I thought you were going back to America?"
"I was but I didn't want to go to quarantine, they think I'm dirty of something.", Coyote replied while scratching. "Why the rush, Mommicita? I know I am a bit of a god there but I could stay here and light up your life. I am the giver of suns after all.", he boasted.
"And a cannibal who ate two of his wives. Not to mention a thief, a liar, an incestuous letch, and a lousy tipper.", she finished with a snarl and turned on her heel, heading back to the bar.
"Esme, don't be like that.", Coyote called after her. "No worries, one wife was a mouse and the other was a deer, no big loss.", he said with a shrug. Remus was nauseated by the creature next to him and moved his chair further from the beast.
Coyote jumped on his chair. "I am the giver of suns, so you all can kiss my fuzzy butt, puntas."
A large raven flew up to Coyote and slammed into his head. "I am the giver of suns, son of a bitch. It was Raven not Coyote, who brought light to the world.", it cawed angrily.
Needless to say Remus was quite relieved when he was called upstairs to the interview. At the top of the stairs was a small room decorated in red, white, and green. It contained a small round table and two chairs, one only big enough to hold a small child or a house elf.
Remus sat in the larger chair. He turned towards the door as he heard the interviewer enter. She was a tiny woman about the size of Professor Flitwick with dark red hair and pale skin. Remus moved to stand but she moved her hand indicating that he remain seated. He gave her a bright smile. "You must be Missy, I'm Remus Lupin."
The tiny woman nodded and took his CV. Remus sat in silence as she read over his qualifications, wondering if Esme would oblivate him as well. Maybe that would be for the better, after all madmen shouldn't have clear memories.
"Well, Mr. Lupin everything seems to be in order. Do you like working with children?", Missy asked.
"Yes, very much. I worked at Hogwarts for a year and…", he started.
"Are you interested in the job?", she interrupted.
Remus blushed. "I am interested but I would like to know what the job entails. I read the description in the Prophet but …"
Missy cut him off again. "You actually could read the description?" Remus nodded and she looked back down at the file. "And you truly are a werewolf?"
"Unfortunately.", Remus replied.
Missy seemed to bounce in her seat and broke into a broad smile. "We will pay you anything you want. You'll get to work with children. And you'll get two months of paid vacation a year, weekends off, plus any time you might need due to your condition.", she said.
"It sounds wonderful but…" Remus tried to interrupt.
Missy called down the stairs. "We found him!!", she shouted and several tiny men and women flooded the room.
"Missy, I really don't think…", he tried again.
"Good don't think, it works better that way. We will see you in a few hours, Santa.", she chirped.
"Pardon?", Remus squeaked.
"You've got the job, Santa.", the little humans shouted and he fell into a dead faint.
A/N: Well, the chapter is finished. Thank you for reading thus far, and thank you to my fantabulous reviewers.
Neoma: Thanks for the support. It was one of those evil ideas that just happened, like they do.
SpunkCynic: I'm glad you liked it and I hope it keeps up it's momentum so it doesn't start slacking in terms of humor. Also thanks for the review for Werewolves Fancy Girls
RosiePadfoot and Hornhead: Thank you, thank you, thank you. You ladies are wonderful. As far as the twisted little playground that is my mind goes just wait until A Very Minnie Christmas comes out. (evil giggle)
As far as the story goes, Raven and Coyote, both appear in North American creation myths and both retrieve the sun for human beings. Coyote also does trickster things like sleeping with his granddaughter and eating a few wives. I decided to give him a slight Chicano accent, because after seeing Coyotes in the wilds of Arizona for so many years, they do have a machismo vibe going on that can't be expressed in a posh British accent. Also he is modeled off a close friend that does talk like that when he wants my attention, he is a truly evil man.