Author responses at bottom.
Italicized text take place in Heero's head.
Chapter 10
"Are you lost?" One small childish voice broke through the maelstrom of his swirling thoughts. Childish laughter followed echoing in his mind, his own and the softer lilting laughter of a little girl. Memories and emotions entertwined weaving patterns of sights, sounds, and warm soft feelings. He looked again into the face of the little girl that he had known so well. For the first time in so many years they were available for him to see and remember...
Heero held his breath, sqenching his small body even further against the hard wall that he hid behind. He listened to the heavy footsteps, the stomping echoing through the hall. He held his breath, little hands pressed against the cold white wall as if he could melt into it. Gradually the sound of footsteps dissipated down the hall and he let his breath out sagging against the wall. He hadn't been detected. He glanced out through a window behind him, hungrily. The sky was still a clear blue and a stream of sunlight reached through inviting him to venture out into it. He wasn't suppose to leave the training facility, they had told him that quite firmly. He couldn't resist it though, he was tired of the stark whiteness, the cold floors and the hollow walls. He wished to see the outside again with the vibrant colors and the sun in his face, even if it was just for a little while. He waited for a few minutes making sure that no one else approached. Hearing no one, he peaked out the door smiling slightly. He swiftly made for the outside door, willing himself to walk and not to run. Arriving at the door he again stopped to listen. Nothing. Slowly and carefully he opened the door. It squeaked. In alarm, he froze instantly his suddenly large eyes gazing around wildly. He sighed a moment later as he confirmed that no one had noticed. He squeezed himself out the half opened door the,. his small body easily able to fit through the space. He carefully shut the door, then turned and scurried from one building to the next careful to keep silent.
He began to feel more excited the closer that he got to the fence. The crisscross metal fence was the only thing that separated him from the facility and the freedom of the outside world. He paused at a tree just in front of it musing. He didn't want to climb it, it would take time and he was afraid that he would be spotted. He would simply have to jump it. It was a little higher than he was use to, but Dr. J had been training him for such things. He was already very good at it, hopefully the extra inches wouldn't be too much. Glancing around himself once more, he stood from his alert crouch and backed up. His face assumed a determined expression as he focused himself. When he was ready, he sprung into a run and at the last possible second he bounced on his right foot sending himself flying up and over the fence clearing the top by a mere inch.
Unfortunately landing wasn't as graceful however, he landed awkwardly. Off balance, he was thrown forward rolling head over feet down the soft hills on the outskirts of the fence. After a short distance, he finally came to a stop. Winded but unhurt, Heero opened his eyes gazing at the wide open sky. He laughed with pleasure. He had done! He lay there for a few minutes continuing to laugh and drinking in the beauty of the bright spring day. The sun shone warmly on his pale skin and his hands brushed the soft tuffs of grass beside him, still slightly wet with the morning dew. So enraptured was he in his new found freedom, that he didn't notice anyone approaching until a great shadow fell over him. He looked up then into the soft blue eyes and smiling face of a little girl.
"Are you lost?"
"I've been lost, since the day that I was born." He answered truthfully. He was a little surprised at the saddened expression on the little face.
"That's so sad." She looked down at her hand, her eyes brightening slightly she looked up again extending her hand to him. "Here."
He looked down noticing that in the hand lay a bright yellow flower nestled in the curve of her soft palm. He took it, eyes widening in surprise at the small gift of beauty. Something he could take back with him when he returned. She smiled sweetly at him and he found himself doing likewise in return. The companionable moment was prematurely broken however, as the Mary the golden puppy spied a butterfly. Without warning, the pup gave a powerful tug dragging the little girl after her. Helplessly, the little girl waved a hurried good bye. Heero sat there watching them a smile on his face as the little girl frolicked after her puppy. When they had disappeared in the distance, he glanced down once again at the perfect flower that he held in his hand.
Just then a mighty gust of wind blew, sweeping out like a mighty fist bending the trees and sending a thick wall of leaves and debris across his vision. He shut his eyes, protectively grasping the yellow flower to him. A moment later, the wind died down and he felt himself land in the midst of another memory, several months later on a cool autumn night. The first thing he noticed was that the object in his right hand was no longer soft and yielding. It was smooth and black, and it weighed heavily in his hand. He ran his fingers over the contours of the object, recognition flashed through him and he hesitantly opened his eyes.
His gaze swept out and around him, seeing a completely different scene. The grounds were quiet. Good. He had not been noticed. Everything was in place and ready. He took a firmer grip of the black object in his sweat slick hand, his thumb poised over a red button. He swallowed nervously trying to calm himself. This was it. The moment of no return. He was going to complete his very first solo mission. He hesitated, his resolve wavering slightly. Everything was ready right? He had laid the explosives exactly like Dekim had instructed. He had double checked nothing could go wrong. He mentally ran through the procedure once again. His hands were getting more and more sweaty. Everything was just as it should be. He chided himself for feeling so nervous. He couldn't afford to wait much longer, he would be seen. Biting his lip, he took a firm grip on the detonator, even as he gripped his courage. He intoned the words taught to him by Dekim himself. " Mission accepted." He took a deep breath and when he let it go, he pressed down on the button.
First one bomb exploded, then another and another in a long row of fire and rushes of air. "Mission Complete."
It was as he was turning away that he caught a glimpse as one mobile suit was rocked back pushed out by a close by explosive force. It collided with another and another in an ever increasing force until the one next to the last along the fence exploded mightily knocking it flying through the fence. Heero's eyes widened in horror as he watched its airborne trajectory. His heart stuttered to a violent stop, his breath seizing in his throat. No! Please no!
But there was no heavenly answer to his desperate pleas as the suit collided heavily with the residential apartment complex. The metal upon metal let forth a horrendous screech, causing Heero to grind his teeth together in pain. He wanted so badly to put his hands over his ears to block out the sight, but he was unable to move even the slightest inch, frozen to the spot. He could only look on as the force of the impact sent the windows shuddering under the pressure, until finally overcome the windows shattered in a domino effect raining down in a deadly hail. As if in slow motion, Heero watched the outward arc of exploding flame tear into the building ripping through stone and metal and glass. Terrified screams pierced through the deafening roar. One scream in particular pierced through particularly shrill. The sound resonating deep within his heart and crumbling soul. He felt it strike deep within his chest scorching his heart. As he watched the building shake and start to tumble down, he felt his heart splinter with it and crumble away into powdered ash. He stood there hollow and still, as the building tumbled down and even until the fires had burned themselves out and the screams had already hushed to silence. He did not move even as gray ash rained down covering his hair and face like a gruesome mockery of new fallen snow.
Inside his mind, all had become still. His wide eyes still transfixed to the destruction that he had caused with his own hands. He did not notice that his body was cold. He did not even notice that he bled bright red blood from the many places where debris had cut his skin, nor that his hair was so fully covered in gray that it looked as if he had aged 50 years in those few moments. He felt nothing.
He didn't know how long he had stood there smothered between the silence and the night. Slowly, he blinked, his hand reflexively clenching on the accursed remote that he still held. His hand slowly relaxed and the remote fell from his limp listless hand forgotten. It landed with a dull thud stirring the dust around it. Suddenly as if the sound had spurred him on, he was running. Haphazardly, he stumbled over half- standing beams and powered rubble. He skidded to a random spot falling to his knees. He began digging. His hands plunged forcefully through the sharp stones and metal. His hands bled, but he paid no attention to them. Jumbled thoughts skittered aimlessly through his head as withheld panic started to increase. He clawed through the rubble pitching it behind him as he dug, on and on in a monotonous motion, barely making any progress in the colossal mound beneath him. It wasn't until he was about to collapse in exhaustion that his abused fingers brushed against something soft and yielding.
Suddenly with new found energy, he hurriedly dug again. He pushed back dirt revealing a dirty tuff of golden hair and then a small head. Mary. With shaking hands he continued to brush the dirt off the little puppy and finally gently picked her up. He mindlessly stroked the soft fur. On one stroke, the tips of his fingers brushed against a patch of furless skin. His hand abruptly stopped. It was cold. So cold. Any other child would have cried then, but Heero's eyes remained dry and distant. He gathered the little puppy up and held her close to him, chest to chest. He felt nothing. Hollow. Emptiness. That was all that remained. His tears had all turned to ash. And he knew that they would never fall again. His dry empty eyes scoured over the tumultuous remains.
Sometime later, he knew not when, Heero walked back to the training facility. He walked with his head cast down as if it was to heavy to lift, the forgotten puppy still cradled in his arms. Distantly he vaguely heard soft voices speaking around him.
"...now train him properly." Dekim was saying emphatically.
"Do you really think that Heero Yuy will thank you for taking away his humanity?" Dr. J asked a note of displeasure in his voice.
"This is war. There is no need for softness or feeling in its soldiers..."
Heero continued walking to his room, his legs on autopilot. His hands hung empty, somewhere along the way someone had taken the puppy from him, but he hadn't noticed when. He stopped in front of the single window in his room, his lost gaze staring out. The night was dark, thick with murky smoke still rising in the distance mixing with approaching storm clouds. The sky rumbled as if itself in pain. It rumbled a few more times, before with a bright crack of lightening the rain came tumbling forth nature releasing its own sorry. All the while, Heero stood at the window, watching the many teardrops fall numbering in the thousands one for every bereft family member or friend left behind. Streams of water slid down the glass window leaving many tear streaks upon the glass. Reflexively, he reached up his hand first touching his dry cheek and then up to his equally dry eyes. Not one drop of moisture lay there. He who had committed such an unforgivable crime could not even give them that much....
"I killed her." He looked about him as the words left his lips. The room was suddenly deafeningly quiet. Nothing was said for a few moments. The weight of the tension gradually began to weight on him and he forced himself to look up. Looking from face to face he found varying expressions of shock, confusion and sadness written on all of their faces. On one face, there was an expression of revulsion and disgust. Heero mentally flinched at that one. Almost like a reflex, his emotionless mask once again settled on his face. Tumultuous emotions were once more frozen behind a wall of ice.
"No." Came the whispered words tinged with disbelief. Heero swung his ice cold gaze in the opposite direction where Relena stood. "You couldn't have." Despite her words the unsurety lingered in her eyes. "Please Heero, tell me that you didn't kill that innocent little girl."
"Yes, I did. I was the one instructed to place the bombs and set them off. And I did. And she died. There is no one else to blame, but me." Throughout his response Heero voice remained carefully controlled totally calmed and devoid of emotion. Relena closed her eyes at his words, turning her head slightly away. For a split second, something flickered in Heero's eyes, but it was gone before anyone could notice.
Relena's movement may have only been slight, but the force of the rejection had hit Heero like a knife smashing into his already fragile heart shattering it once more.
"You bastard." Wufie's voice was brimming with disgust. "How could you be so unfeeling. I thought that you had honor, but clearly I was mistaken. You coward!" He grabbed Heero roughly. "Do you think that by confessing now that you can avoid answering for your crimes? None of this would be happening if it weren't for you! Noin, I say we take him into custody..."
Noin had been watching the interchange a frown on her face. Now called upon to make a decision, she opened her mouth, but Heero unwilling to wait for her response launched into action.
He forcefully wrenched Wufie's arm spinning him about trapping him in front of him, Heero's arm braced across his neck. He pressed it against him just enough to keep him from speaking. He then looked at the people in the room eyes flashing. Several of the preventers had pulled guns, but the gundam pilot's hands were curiously empty. "Don't even try it." His voice was cold and deadly. He pulled Wufie closer against him, slowly backing up.
Noin narrowed her eyes measuringly as she looked at Heero. "Put them down." She ordered her men. The preventer's hesitated. "Did you hear me? I said put them down." The guns slowly dropped. She returned her gaze to Heero. "Heero. Let's talk about this. I want to hear more of your side of it..."
" There's nothing to talk about. Wufie's right. I am to blame for this. All of this. But I'm not gonna do it his way. The only way to stop anymore lives from being threatened is for me to confront Daniel Lockheart."
Trowa's eyes suddenly widened on a thought. "Heero wait, you're not gonna..."
Heero silenced him with a glare. "It's what I've decided Trowa. My responsibility and nobody else's. I created him. I'll take care of it. " Trowa hesitated in saying more visibly torn. In that moment, Heero had made it to the door. After he opened it, he eased his way into the doorway. He gave Wufie one mighty shove sending him careening into several preventers sending them in a tangle to the floor. Not sparing anyone another look, he turned and ran.
"Trowa?" Duo asked, looking even more confused than he had before. "What were you guys talking about? What is he going to do?"
Trowa looked at him worry shimmering in his hazel green eyes.
Heero made it to the elevator. He entered the car alone. Now that he knew what had happened, he also could decide on his direction and purpose. He would do what needed to be done. He had created this whole mess. Killing Serena was an unforgivable crime in itself. But to make matters worse he had now endangered the lives of Relena, his comrades and countless others. They would continue to be endanger until he stopped Daniel. Daniel...a man who only wanted justice for his murdered sister. He had created him caused him to become a crazed killer. It was indeed time for him to take responsibility for it. There was only one way to make the chaos and suffering stop. One way that would give Daniel the peace that he desired-and perhaps, he thought feeling so utterly tired of the weight on his shoulders- in the end, he would gain a measure of peace himself.
"What?!" Relena suddenly gasped, panic dancing in her eyes. "You knew this and you let him go?! Heero." His name was a breath as she took off after him. Duo followed a moment behind her asking Noin to call security to stop-or at least slow him down.
By the time that the two had reached the ground floor all they were greeted with a sea of fallen guards groaning on the ground. Relena looked up just in time to see a door swinging closed. "Heero." It shut, before she got to it, and desperately she ripped the door open, running out into the street, Duo right behind her. "Heero!" Her cry echoed through the street. Frantically, they turned in every direction hoping to see him.
He was gone.
TBC....
Author responses:
-Yes, as most of you have already guessed, that was indeed THE little girl in Endless Waltz. I've taken that little clip and expanded it.
Tanukichan14 -This is alternate universe, so though I kept the little girl Endless Waltz didn't happen. I love Endless Waltz, but timelines etc. Don't work right with my story.
Clarobell-Will Heero cry? Well not this chapter, but hopefully now you see now why he hasn't been able to before. Poor Heero.I'm so mean to him.
SakuraXHimura- Yes, it was an "accident" cough , but it doens't mean that Heero can't still feel responsible for it.
Thank you all for your wonderful comments and support! Until next Chapter- Those left Behind...