Title: Astray
By: Melusina
Email: Melusina Mayne
Rated: R - NC 17
Category: angst
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Notes: Many thanks again to my beta Mairi. She checked this story for me. If you find any remaining blunders, blame me for them...
Summary The ultimate answer to the question whether Snape is straight or gay: he is both. But he's not bi. Must be magic - but it's not.
Part Four - Remus Lupin
It had been quite some time since Michael had entered the office, and he started to feel very hungry. Again he was sorry about his stupid decision and almost decided to go to Dumbledore and tell him the truth.
But just at that moment a very odd creature entered the room with a slight plop. Michael stared at it, not believing his eyes, unable to say a word.
"Professor Dumbledore wants Professor to come up for dinner, Professor sir. Professor Dumbledore sends Dobby to call Professor Snape."
Michael stared and stared at the creature and then decided that it was too much. His mind simply refused to even try and make any kind of sense out of it. So he just nodded and followed the creature outside. Jack walked after; apparently glad to leave the office.
Michael prepared to simply follow the tiny creature and thus was unpleasantly surprised when it disappeared into thin air with a slight plop. Bewildered, he looked around him, asking himself whether he would ever find the way to the main hall back again. Jack seemed to have more pathfinding instincts, for he immediately set off in one direction. Michael simply followed him. To be lead into the great hall straight away.
Entering it, he immediately caught the smell of loads of good food, and his stomach rumbled, unpleasantly reminding him of the fact that lunch had been hours ago. There were considerably more people in it then before. Four long tables were set up and hundreds of students were sitting, eating and producing an enormous noise. At the far end of the hall, a single table was standing higher. All the teachers seemed to be sitting there. As he walked through the lines of students, Michael could feel many eyes resting on him, quickly turning away as he caught the eye of the students. From the head table he seemed to be observed as well. Sweat broke out on him, and he was convinced that everybody looked right through his appearance. He walked up to the head table and took the only empty seat left.
The teachers all looked up when he sat down and some nodded at him. Most just continued their dinner. Jack padded up to him and sat down next to his chair. When he sat down, the man next to him looked up. He looked at Severus, at Jack, and then back up at Michael again. He seemed to be on the point of saying something to Michael, but apparently changed his mind and stayed silent.
Michael helped himself to his dinner and tried not to look as obvious as he felt. Fortunately, no conversation seemed to be expected of him. All the way through dinner he kept on giving Jack pieces of his dinner. Jack obviously deeply appreciated this and pushed his nose into Michael's hand, affectionately begging for more. Michael smiled in spite of himself and gave him a few choice pieces of the meat on his plate. The eyes of the man next to him seemed to be falling out on this point. Still, he said nothing. But he offered Jack some of his plate, as well.
As he ate, Michael let his eyes sweep through the hall, intrigued by what he saw in front of him. Hundreds of students who were producing a resounding noise while digging into their dinner. No longer feeling as obvious as at the start of dinner, he took his time enjoying what he saw. Apparently the students were very skilled in acting exactly when their teachers weren't looking at them.
Negligently, he allowed his hand to stroke Jack's fur. This, however, seemed to draw his neighbour's attention once more. The man laid down his fork and half turned towards Michael. He looked as if he was going to say something, but apparently thought the better of it once more. Michael lifted an eyebrow, not understanding, wondering whether he had missed something, but the man turned away and said nothing. Soon after that, he rose from his diner and exited the hall through a door Michael hadn't seen before. Michael stared after him, but decided that he simply couldn't come close to understanding what was happening here.
A slightly older woman, who had been sitting at the man's other side, frowned and asked "What's wrong with Remus, tonight? I have never seen him so on edge."
As Michael didn't have any idea how to answer this, he chose to ignore the remark. Again, this didn't seem to overly surprise the woman. When she didn't receive an answer, she just sighed and went back to her diner.
After dinner, Michael went back to his double's quarters, trying to think of what he must do next. Once again he went through his double's desk, more emboldened than the first time. He now closely studied the other's timetable. The next day would be a Thursday. The man seemed to have 4 classes. 1 R/H, 3 S/G, 7 S/G and 2 R/H. Whatever that might mean. Perhaps they were abbreviations of those strange terms. Ravenclaw, Hufflepuf, Lionheart, whatever.
Now, what was he going to do with them? Searching further in his double's desk, he found the textbooks. As he found only one book for each year, he assumed that his double had no more. Combining the book with the detailed lesson plans, he easily found out what the classes were supposed to do the next day. Shrinking solution for the first years, cleaning draught for the second years, vanishing solution for the third years and transformatur potion for the fifth years. Wonderful. It would have been great if he had any idea what these "things" might entail.
Studying the textbooks didn't help much. He could imagine something at the description of "stirring techniques" and thought he might bluff his way through dicing diagonally. But what about a semi-permanent heating charm, to be applied while adding ingredients simultaneously? What about transforming the ladle from tin to silver at the critical moment of transformation within the potion? Somehow he didn't think he could manage that.
Again, he was strongly tempted to lay down the textbooks, go upstairs and confess everything to Professor Dumbledore. But he was too utterly fascinated with all these mad things. He just couldn't bear the thought of stopping now. Out of sheer curiosity, he went on. After all, what could happen? The worst of it was that he might be found out. And all these people seemed to be nice enough.
That said - he did have to think about the attitude of all these people. A lot of them - especially the students, but a fair lot of the teachers as well, seemed to react to every change of his facial muscles. And the reaction was almost always a shrinking away. Or a weary sigh. Or both. The most curious reaction, however, was when he did his best to be friendly. What did he do wrong? He couldn't imagine what it was and idly asked himself what kind of a man his double was.
Apart from that, but he still had to think of a way to get around this stuff. In whatever way. There was no way he could fake all these charms. After all had had seen in the castle, he didn't think he could fool these people in any way. So what did he have to do?
Sitting back, he pondered the question. He very quickly found the answer. He didn't think there was any way for him to have the students do these experiments. That left two possibilities. He could have them make something that didn't involve unmanageable charms, some very common salve, or something like that, or he had them simply study their books. Not the most exciting lesson, of course, but probably safer.
He didn't think his first option was possible, as he hadn't any idea how to get the ingredients he needed, apart from having no idea of his double's style of teaching, so that left the second. Plain studying. Michael looked at the textbooks again, and mentally selected a part that he thought would suffice for the students. He prepared what he was going to say to them as best as he could, and then sat back in his chair, suddenly unable to believe that he had really landed in this madness. But the whole thing was intoxicating and he felt more alive then he had felt in years. It was unthinkable to stop it now.
Having thought that now, he thought he might as well take a look at his double's storage, that he had already seen that afternoon. He now had a far better idea of what he needed, so he wanted to know what his double could use in his classes. He was just going through some awful-smelling liquids, when he heard a knock at the door.
It was his neighbour at dinner, Remus. "May I come in, please?"
Michael stared at him surprised and worried, but stepped aside to allow entrance. He searched Remus' face, afraid of what the other was going to say. He couldn't think of something to say himself, so he just waited.
"I... I just wanted to tell you that I am very happy to see you back at Hogwarts alive and in good health, Severus," Remus finally said. "I have been very worried about you. You were expected back Saturday two weeks ago. We thought you might have died."
Michael couldn't find anything to say. A feeling of guilt washed over him and the words stuck in his throat. He didn't have any right to be here. It was shameless. At the same time, he was vaguely glad that someone did seem to care about Snape's welfare. He didn't get the impression that the man was overly popular.
Remus looked at him, apparently waiting for an answer, but for the life of him Michael didn't know what to say.
Slowly, Remus walked closer to him. Hesitatingly, he laid a hand on Michael's arm. Michael didn't draw it back. He felt paralysed.
"Severus," Remus softly said. "I am sorry if I am disturbing you in any way. But I thought that we might finally put all that's happened in the past behind us. Severus, I just don't feel like going over all the history any more. I have been worried far too much about you in the past few days for that anymore. Can we not start all over?"
Michael still felt caged and trapped, but he knew he had to say something to answer this. It was impossible to stay silent at this point. He had to end this. He was ashamed enough of himself as it was. Gathering all his courage he said, "There is something I need to tell you. I am not who you think I am. This all a mistake.... I cannot go on with this, I..."
Remus waited, but Michael couldn't go on. He didn't dare. Silently, he begged Remus to understand.
The tension seemed to leave Remus a bit, although he seemed to be worried at hearing this speech. "I understand that you have been through a lot, Severus. Lately, the world around us seems to have fallen apart once more. Never mind. I understand."
He was silent once more, but kept his hand where it was. On Michael's arm.
"No, no, you don't understand. I cannot go on with this. I am not the one you think I am. I cannot imagine how I landed in this mess. The whole world seems to have changed. I don't understand it. You see, I was walking along the shores of the lake. I was trying to make sense of all the dreams I have had lately. And then all of a sudden the world seemed to change. A giant called me. He..."
"A giant? Remus interrupted him. Are you trying to tell me that the dark lord now has the help of the giants? I thought that Hagrid had made progress with them? Are you still having those dreams? I thought you were taking a potion?"
Michael's mind reeled once more, but took up the one piece he understood. "You don't understand what I am trying to tell you. I am not the one you think I am. I'm very sorry to have misled you. I just walked by, and then suddenly the whole world around me changed. Everybody thinks I am somebody I'm not. But it is a mistake."
Remus' expression changed once more. "Sev, are you sure you are alright? Did the dark lord torture you?"
"No! I keep telling you! I'm not the person you think I am! Everybody here seems to think I am Severus Snape, but I am not. How can I make you understand?"
Remus looked at him, the worry clouding his eyes. "You don't have to. I do understand. You always think that everybody dislikes and misunderstands you, Severus. It goes with the job and with the role you are playing. But I know what you mean. I understand. I know how you feel when all the world suddenly changes and everyone turns against you..."
His voice died away.
Michael didn't know what he could say at that. He didn't understand what went on here, but for some reason he was afraid to hurt this man's feelings.
Before he could say anything, Jack got up from the rug in front of the fire and stretched. Then passed Remus, padded towards Michael and pushed his nose in his hand and licked it. Michael, distracted, briefly went through his fur with his hand before looking up at Remus again. He had to concentrate for this.
But Remus seemed to be distracted as well. He looked from Michael to Jack and back again. An uncertain smile lit his eyes. "Well, I never thought I would see the day. No wonder you think you are not yourself, Sev. The day you and Sirius get along must be the day that the world splits in two and Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy fall in love. By the way, Sirius, why don't you morph?"
Michael just stared at him. Serious again, he thought. What did all these people mean? As Jack patently kept his current shape, Remus looked worried again. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he said. "I probably shouldn't have said anything. Please keep in this shape, if you think it is safer. I'll inform Harry, if you like."
Jack, apparently encouraged by the friendly voice of the man in front of him, padded towards Remus and sat down, tail waggling. Remus grinned and stroked him. "Alright, I'll inform him. But I bet he will be impatiently awaiting a visit from his godfather."
Jack just licked Remus' hand.
By: Melusina
Email: Melusina Mayne
Rated: R - NC 17
Category: angst
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Notes: Many thanks again to my beta Mairi. She checked this story for me. If you find any remaining blunders, blame me for them...
Summary The ultimate answer to the question whether Snape is straight or gay: he is both. But he's not bi. Must be magic - but it's not.
Part Four - Remus Lupin
It had been quite some time since Michael had entered the office, and he started to feel very hungry. Again he was sorry about his stupid decision and almost decided to go to Dumbledore and tell him the truth.
But just at that moment a very odd creature entered the room with a slight plop. Michael stared at it, not believing his eyes, unable to say a word.
"Professor Dumbledore wants Professor to come up for dinner, Professor sir. Professor Dumbledore sends Dobby to call Professor Snape."
Michael stared and stared at the creature and then decided that it was too much. His mind simply refused to even try and make any kind of sense out of it. So he just nodded and followed the creature outside. Jack walked after; apparently glad to leave the office.
Michael prepared to simply follow the tiny creature and thus was unpleasantly surprised when it disappeared into thin air with a slight plop. Bewildered, he looked around him, asking himself whether he would ever find the way to the main hall back again. Jack seemed to have more pathfinding instincts, for he immediately set off in one direction. Michael simply followed him. To be lead into the great hall straight away.
Entering it, he immediately caught the smell of loads of good food, and his stomach rumbled, unpleasantly reminding him of the fact that lunch had been hours ago. There were considerably more people in it then before. Four long tables were set up and hundreds of students were sitting, eating and producing an enormous noise. At the far end of the hall, a single table was standing higher. All the teachers seemed to be sitting there. As he walked through the lines of students, Michael could feel many eyes resting on him, quickly turning away as he caught the eye of the students. From the head table he seemed to be observed as well. Sweat broke out on him, and he was convinced that everybody looked right through his appearance. He walked up to the head table and took the only empty seat left.
The teachers all looked up when he sat down and some nodded at him. Most just continued their dinner. Jack padded up to him and sat down next to his chair. When he sat down, the man next to him looked up. He looked at Severus, at Jack, and then back up at Michael again. He seemed to be on the point of saying something to Michael, but apparently changed his mind and stayed silent.
Michael helped himself to his dinner and tried not to look as obvious as he felt. Fortunately, no conversation seemed to be expected of him. All the way through dinner he kept on giving Jack pieces of his dinner. Jack obviously deeply appreciated this and pushed his nose into Michael's hand, affectionately begging for more. Michael smiled in spite of himself and gave him a few choice pieces of the meat on his plate. The eyes of the man next to him seemed to be falling out on this point. Still, he said nothing. But he offered Jack some of his plate, as well.
As he ate, Michael let his eyes sweep through the hall, intrigued by what he saw in front of him. Hundreds of students who were producing a resounding noise while digging into their dinner. No longer feeling as obvious as at the start of dinner, he took his time enjoying what he saw. Apparently the students were very skilled in acting exactly when their teachers weren't looking at them.
Negligently, he allowed his hand to stroke Jack's fur. This, however, seemed to draw his neighbour's attention once more. The man laid down his fork and half turned towards Michael. He looked as if he was going to say something, but apparently thought the better of it once more. Michael lifted an eyebrow, not understanding, wondering whether he had missed something, but the man turned away and said nothing. Soon after that, he rose from his diner and exited the hall through a door Michael hadn't seen before. Michael stared after him, but decided that he simply couldn't come close to understanding what was happening here.
A slightly older woman, who had been sitting at the man's other side, frowned and asked "What's wrong with Remus, tonight? I have never seen him so on edge."
As Michael didn't have any idea how to answer this, he chose to ignore the remark. Again, this didn't seem to overly surprise the woman. When she didn't receive an answer, she just sighed and went back to her diner.
After dinner, Michael went back to his double's quarters, trying to think of what he must do next. Once again he went through his double's desk, more emboldened than the first time. He now closely studied the other's timetable. The next day would be a Thursday. The man seemed to have 4 classes. 1 R/H, 3 S/G, 7 S/G and 2 R/H. Whatever that might mean. Perhaps they were abbreviations of those strange terms. Ravenclaw, Hufflepuf, Lionheart, whatever.
Now, what was he going to do with them? Searching further in his double's desk, he found the textbooks. As he found only one book for each year, he assumed that his double had no more. Combining the book with the detailed lesson plans, he easily found out what the classes were supposed to do the next day. Shrinking solution for the first years, cleaning draught for the second years, vanishing solution for the third years and transformatur potion for the fifth years. Wonderful. It would have been great if he had any idea what these "things" might entail.
Studying the textbooks didn't help much. He could imagine something at the description of "stirring techniques" and thought he might bluff his way through dicing diagonally. But what about a semi-permanent heating charm, to be applied while adding ingredients simultaneously? What about transforming the ladle from tin to silver at the critical moment of transformation within the potion? Somehow he didn't think he could manage that.
Again, he was strongly tempted to lay down the textbooks, go upstairs and confess everything to Professor Dumbledore. But he was too utterly fascinated with all these mad things. He just couldn't bear the thought of stopping now. Out of sheer curiosity, he went on. After all, what could happen? The worst of it was that he might be found out. And all these people seemed to be nice enough.
That said - he did have to think about the attitude of all these people. A lot of them - especially the students, but a fair lot of the teachers as well, seemed to react to every change of his facial muscles. And the reaction was almost always a shrinking away. Or a weary sigh. Or both. The most curious reaction, however, was when he did his best to be friendly. What did he do wrong? He couldn't imagine what it was and idly asked himself what kind of a man his double was.
Apart from that, but he still had to think of a way to get around this stuff. In whatever way. There was no way he could fake all these charms. After all had had seen in the castle, he didn't think he could fool these people in any way. So what did he have to do?
Sitting back, he pondered the question. He very quickly found the answer. He didn't think there was any way for him to have the students do these experiments. That left two possibilities. He could have them make something that didn't involve unmanageable charms, some very common salve, or something like that, or he had them simply study their books. Not the most exciting lesson, of course, but probably safer.
He didn't think his first option was possible, as he hadn't any idea how to get the ingredients he needed, apart from having no idea of his double's style of teaching, so that left the second. Plain studying. Michael looked at the textbooks again, and mentally selected a part that he thought would suffice for the students. He prepared what he was going to say to them as best as he could, and then sat back in his chair, suddenly unable to believe that he had really landed in this madness. But the whole thing was intoxicating and he felt more alive then he had felt in years. It was unthinkable to stop it now.
Having thought that now, he thought he might as well take a look at his double's storage, that he had already seen that afternoon. He now had a far better idea of what he needed, so he wanted to know what his double could use in his classes. He was just going through some awful-smelling liquids, when he heard a knock at the door.
It was his neighbour at dinner, Remus. "May I come in, please?"
Michael stared at him surprised and worried, but stepped aside to allow entrance. He searched Remus' face, afraid of what the other was going to say. He couldn't think of something to say himself, so he just waited.
"I... I just wanted to tell you that I am very happy to see you back at Hogwarts alive and in good health, Severus," Remus finally said. "I have been very worried about you. You were expected back Saturday two weeks ago. We thought you might have died."
Michael couldn't find anything to say. A feeling of guilt washed over him and the words stuck in his throat. He didn't have any right to be here. It was shameless. At the same time, he was vaguely glad that someone did seem to care about Snape's welfare. He didn't get the impression that the man was overly popular.
Remus looked at him, apparently waiting for an answer, but for the life of him Michael didn't know what to say.
Slowly, Remus walked closer to him. Hesitatingly, he laid a hand on Michael's arm. Michael didn't draw it back. He felt paralysed.
"Severus," Remus softly said. "I am sorry if I am disturbing you in any way. But I thought that we might finally put all that's happened in the past behind us. Severus, I just don't feel like going over all the history any more. I have been worried far too much about you in the past few days for that anymore. Can we not start all over?"
Michael still felt caged and trapped, but he knew he had to say something to answer this. It was impossible to stay silent at this point. He had to end this. He was ashamed enough of himself as it was. Gathering all his courage he said, "There is something I need to tell you. I am not who you think I am. This all a mistake.... I cannot go on with this, I..."
Remus waited, but Michael couldn't go on. He didn't dare. Silently, he begged Remus to understand.
The tension seemed to leave Remus a bit, although he seemed to be worried at hearing this speech. "I understand that you have been through a lot, Severus. Lately, the world around us seems to have fallen apart once more. Never mind. I understand."
He was silent once more, but kept his hand where it was. On Michael's arm.
"No, no, you don't understand. I cannot go on with this. I am not the one you think I am. I cannot imagine how I landed in this mess. The whole world seems to have changed. I don't understand it. You see, I was walking along the shores of the lake. I was trying to make sense of all the dreams I have had lately. And then all of a sudden the world seemed to change. A giant called me. He..."
"A giant? Remus interrupted him. Are you trying to tell me that the dark lord now has the help of the giants? I thought that Hagrid had made progress with them? Are you still having those dreams? I thought you were taking a potion?"
Michael's mind reeled once more, but took up the one piece he understood. "You don't understand what I am trying to tell you. I am not the one you think I am. I'm very sorry to have misled you. I just walked by, and then suddenly the whole world around me changed. Everybody thinks I am somebody I'm not. But it is a mistake."
Remus' expression changed once more. "Sev, are you sure you are alright? Did the dark lord torture you?"
"No! I keep telling you! I'm not the person you think I am! Everybody here seems to think I am Severus Snape, but I am not. How can I make you understand?"
Remus looked at him, the worry clouding his eyes. "You don't have to. I do understand. You always think that everybody dislikes and misunderstands you, Severus. It goes with the job and with the role you are playing. But I know what you mean. I understand. I know how you feel when all the world suddenly changes and everyone turns against you..."
His voice died away.
Michael didn't know what he could say at that. He didn't understand what went on here, but for some reason he was afraid to hurt this man's feelings.
Before he could say anything, Jack got up from the rug in front of the fire and stretched. Then passed Remus, padded towards Michael and pushed his nose in his hand and licked it. Michael, distracted, briefly went through his fur with his hand before looking up at Remus again. He had to concentrate for this.
But Remus seemed to be distracted as well. He looked from Michael to Jack and back again. An uncertain smile lit his eyes. "Well, I never thought I would see the day. No wonder you think you are not yourself, Sev. The day you and Sirius get along must be the day that the world splits in two and Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy fall in love. By the way, Sirius, why don't you morph?"
Michael just stared at him. Serious again, he thought. What did all these people mean? As Jack patently kept his current shape, Remus looked worried again. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he said. "I probably shouldn't have said anything. Please keep in this shape, if you think it is safer. I'll inform Harry, if you like."
Jack, apparently encouraged by the friendly voice of the man in front of him, padded towards Remus and sat down, tail waggling. Remus grinned and stroked him. "Alright, I'll inform him. But I bet he will be impatiently awaiting a visit from his godfather."
Jack just licked Remus' hand.