Title: Astray

By: Melusina

Category: angst

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Notes: Many thanks again to my beta Mairi. She checked this story for me. If you find any remaining blunders, blame me for them

Femme Loki – Thank you! Pity Hermione isn't one of the major charactersâ€ïŠ

Part Nine - Falling

Later that day, Michael was sitting in his double's office, trying to imagine what he might do in his next lessons. So far, he wasn't unsatisfied with the result. It inspired the seventh years to more creative thinking. He knew he couldn't go on like this for very much longer, but as it had been going, it wasn't too bad.

The next lesson would be complicated, though. It involved transfiguration of an ingredient, applying several different heating charms, identifying ingredients that all looked frightfully the same, and more quite unmanageable tasks. In Michael's opinion.

But he thought he had found a solution to the problem. The students would be surprised. The thought made him smile to himself when he sat down to make a plan for the younger students. He was still smiling when he heard the knock on the door.

He opened it. Remus Lupin was standing outside. Jack, who was lying on a carpet in front of the fire, expectantly raised his head. Apparently, he liked the werewolf.

"May I come in for a moment?"

Michael just nodded.

"I still have enough of the potion, if that's what you think. You left so much the last time, Severus."

Michael couldn't think of anything to say.

Remus was silent for a moment as well. He sent an awkward glance in Jack's direction. Michael wondered at it. It couldn't be that the man felt uncomfortable in the presence of the dog, could it?

Then "I†I don't really know what to say, Severus, I"

Michael stared at him.

"I find it hard to put into words what I am feeling, but I†I don't know. You seemed to have changed so much over the last few weeks."

Michael froze.

"Or perhaps I understand it better now. It is as if I see you in a different light now"

"What do you mean by that?" Michael softly asked. He looked at the door, half expecting a furious headmaster, planning to do some magical evil by him.

But "I think it is a long time that my feelings for you started to change," Remus quietly said. "It needed a long time. I didn't understand it. I didn't want it. I thought you didn't want it. But lately†I have been worried about you. You seem to have changed so much. I thought you had been tortured beyond your limits. But it is a good change. You do seem much more open."

He raised his head and looked at Michael. "And this afternoon†I never realised†Severus, I'm sorry. But I'm so happy that you finally said it. It explained so much. I never understood why you quit Quidditch, or why you were picking at James and Sirius so much. But now"

He raised his hand and touched Michael's cheek, shortly and gently.

Michael felt lamed. He looked at Remus, but didn't really understand what he was saying. The other man was standing way too close.

Remus slowly came closer. He looked at Michael, but the other man gave no sign of wishing to break the contact. He didn't stop Remus. The look in the black eyes was unreadable.

With one small step, Remus closed the distance between them. He touched Michael's cheek again, stroking it with his thumb and tangling his fingers in his hair.

Gently he drew him towards himself until their lips touched.

For moments they silently stood like that. It was unaccountably sweet. Remus felt the pressure of Severus' lips. His mind reeled. Severus smelled like forest and woods, herbs and trees. It was an intoxicating smell. He drew the other man closer and tried to deepen the kiss. For a moment he felt Severus stiffen. Then the other man seemed to relax in his arms and opened his lips.

Remus felt Severus' body against his. He felt the hard chest, the flexing movements of the arms and shoulders, the flat stomach. He felt him shiver in his arms. Slowly, he moved his lips against Severus'. His tongue slid in and he explored the other man's mouth. Their eyes were closed. Their tongues leisurely explored.

Remus could feel the tension in his stomach. He wanted more, he wanted closer. He pushed Severus backwards until the other man was standing with his back against the wall. Severus moaned, but didn't really protest. It was delicious.

Finally, Remus broke the kiss. He breathed heavily and looked at Severus. The other man stared at him with a blank, confused look in his eyes. He was shivering slightly. He didn't say anything, but neither did he anything to break Remus' hold of him.

With his thumb, Remus stroked his cheek again. He just had to touch the other man. He couldn't let go of him. He neared him again, and brushed Severus' lips with another, very gentle kiss.

This seemed to snap Severus out of his dreamlike trance. His eyes focused again and widened - with what, Remus couldn't tell.

A shudder went through him and Remus held him comfortingly. He could imagine what Severus was feeling only too well. He had needed a lot of time himself to come to terms with this attraction. It seemed that Severus had only now realised it.

During the kiss, Jack had raised his head again. When the two humans didn't disentangle, he slowly rose to his feet and padded towards them, growling softly. He wasn't used to seeing his master this close to somebody else and didn't know what to make of it.

He walked closely past Remus and pushed his nose between the legs of his master, searching for his hand to put his nose into.

Remus felt that Severus shivered in his arms. Then he felt himself being gently pushed away.

"I'm sorry," the other said hoarsely. "I hadn't meant†I never wanted to†I didn't want to give you the idea that†I'm sorry, Remus. I'm sorry. I can't do this, but I'm sorry."

Remus looked at him intently. "Look, I should be the one who is apologizing. I realize that this is too quick. We have such a history, and you†I mean, I†It is just that I thought, that†And with Sirius here†I realize that there is a lot that you cannot tell me. It makes the whole thing more awkward than it already is. I just"

"No, don't say it. It's my fault, Remus. I let this go too far. Remus, I'm sorry. I should have told you the truth. I don't know how I could let it happen. It just was so unbelievable. I somehow got so deeply into it, I couldn't bring myself to break it off. You see"

Remus interrupted him, grabbing his hand. He listened to the other man's words and felt the love in his heart at those words. He couldn't believe that it was really Severus to say such things to him.

He stroked the knuckles of his hand with his thumb. He saw embarrassment, and many other emotions he couldn't name. It gave him a tiny peek in his heart.

He let go of the hand to stroke Severus' temples again. Then he drew the black head back towards him and kissed him again. This time it was tender, understanding, loving.

Severus was unresponsive at first. Then he shivered slightly and seemed to sigh under the kiss and started to respond. It was lovely. It was tender. It was perfect.

They broke the kiss. Remus felt that Severus pushed him away.

"I'm sorry," Severus softly said again. "I'm just a coward. I not the one you think I am. I just walked by. The next thing I knew was that I was living a life in a fairy tale castle. I left everything behind and I spend the days lying and play-acting to everybody. And this just tops it all."

Some vague alarm began to form itself in the back of Remus' head. Unwillingly he remembered the many discussions, whispers, gossiping and speculations in the castle on the subject of Severus Snape. Unbidden, the memory of Hermione Granger, sitting next to him at the side of the lake rose in front of his mind's eye and he looked at him very sharply. Could he have been wrong? But no, the man was a trusted member of the order. He had been through so much hardship that many had feared for the tranquillity of his mind.

Thinking of which†But no, that couldn't be it either. There was pain, despair, and confusion in Severus' eyes. But no madness. But what could it be then?

He saw Sirius, no sitting quietly next to Severus, happily licking his hand. Severus was absentmindedly stroking him, eyes turned away.

He looked again at Severus. "How long has it been that anybody loved you?" he hoarsely asked.

He saw the tears jump again in Severus' eyes. Pain, undisguised this time.

Something clenched in his chest and he drew Severus towards him again. He kissed him. Roughly, passionately. Severus answered him. Giving everything.

Out of breath they broke the kiss. They stared at each other. Then Severus roughly shoved him away.

"I'm sorry. Please leave me be. I need to be alone. Please. Leave me alone."

Remus looked at him and left although it hurt him. He understood the other man's need for privacy. He needed it himself. When he walked back, he felt as if he could jump and cry at the same time.

When Remus was gone, Michael fell down on his bed and covered his face with his hands. It was a long time ago that he had felt so disgusted with himself. Dirty, infected body and soul with lasting filth. What was the matter with him? He liked Remus. The other man had never been anything but polite and friendly towards him. How could he have played with his emotions like that? Allowed Remus to kiss him and to tell him he loved him. The shame of the memory burned in his throat and he felt like throwing up.

He hadn't thought that the memory of his wife could have betrayed him in such a manner. He still missed her. The memory of her death still hurt him, but in the past two years, he thought he had gradually got over it. Until the nightmares, that is. Remus remark still cut him like a knife. 'How long has it been that anybody loved you?' Far too long, he thought. Which led to the thought - how long had it been that anyone had loved Snape? And worse - how could he have betrayed Snape in such a manner? He had to go and tell Dumbledore. Whatever the consequences.

But he was exhausted by the emotions of the evening and thought that he would go to Dumbledore in the morning. He doubted whether he would be able to explain it coherently in his present state of mind. In the middle of these ponderings, he fell asleep.

It was a very tired Michael who went up to Dumbledore's office the next morning. The night before he had been determined to confess everything to the headmaster. But during the night he had been in the grips of a more awful nightmare than ever before. He had woken up with start in the early hours of dawn and had been unable to find sleep anymore. Fragments of his dream still chased him, combined with his feelings of guilt and fear. The old man looked at him with kind eyes and invited him to sit down.

"Sir, I no longer know what to tell you. I thought I knew, but these nightmares" he shivered visibly.

Dumbledore leant towards him, worry in his eyes.

"You've had a nightmare? Another one?"

Michael just nodded. He still felt the overwhelming urge of minutes ago, when he, still in the grips of a chilling nightmare, had thought that the headmaster must know. But now that he was sitting there – what could he tell the headmaster at all? How could his dreams be of any importance to him?

He kept silent, in complete confusion.

"Severus," the old man urged. "Are you feeling all right? Do you need Poppy?"

"No, no," Michael said in confusion. Not the medi-witch. He had decided earlier that he must stay out of her reach, out of some vague fear that she might look through him. He hardly knew why, but kept to his former policy.

"Headmaster, I need to tell you. I had another dream. You know, I saw him. He was there. It confused me, because I thought that it was me. I've never seen him before. Strange, really. But it couldn't be, of course. I didn't know all those people around him. Malfoy was there, though. And Avery. And that woman. I've seen her in other dreams. They were planning. Snape was among them you know. They agreed that he was to take the road under the tree. I don't remember exactly what it was."

"The Womping Willow?" Dumbledore asked sharply.

"Yes"

"Then there was another man. He accused Snape. Of being a spy. They took him."

Michael covered his face with his hands. He still felt sick when he thought about it.

Dumbledore stared at him, deeply worried.

"Did this happen the last time you were summoned, Severus? Were you in any way obliviated?"

Michael shook his head. He felt a bit clearer. Part of it had been said. He raised his head and steadfastly looked at Dumbledore.

"No, sir. You don't understand. There has been a misunderstanding about my person. I am deeply ashamed that I allowed it to go on for so long, but it has to stop now. I can no longer continue like this."

Dumbledore went very still.

"I am not the man you think you are. I just walked by one day and reached this castle. And everybody took me for somebody that I am not. I must confess that I was so utterly intrigued by everything that went on in this castle that I allowed this exchange to continue. It was as if I had entered another world. I am ashamed that tried to deceive all of you, but I want to stop it now. I never thought that the feelings of the persons around me would be affected so deeply. I don't want to hurt them any more then necessary. Apart from that, I think it would be irresponsible if I were to teach these students longer. I am not qualified to do that. I wanted to come to you yesterday evening, but I confess I was exhausted. But I am doing so now."

During his speech, Dumbledore's eyes began to twinkle understandingly again.

"My dear boy – I have made many mistakes in my life. And many people have accused me of one when I accepted you as one of my teachers and decided to trust you. But I am proud of you. I have never been more proud of you than at this moment. You have changed, child, more than you think. As for your being somebody else than most people think – why child, I am aware of that. I understand that you sometimes don't understand yourself. Perhaps you will see this in a different light in the future. As it is, I am happy that you have finally made your peace with Sirius. I couldn't have thought that this reconciliation would have such far reaching consequences."

Here the twinkle grew so profound, that Michael stared at the old man, trying to decided whether he had really winked at him. Apparently, he had.

He sighed. "Sir, you don't understand. I don't belong here. I'm not the man you think I am. I need to get out of this castle, although I would be sorry to do so. You don't understand, but I think you lost Professor Snape. I don't know what he has been doing, but I am not he. We are different persons. If I really dreamed about him, I think he is in serious danger, if not dead already. In my dream, they were making plans for something. I don't know what. But I think there is danger somewhere. Sir, you've got to do something!"

Dumbledore's gaze grew serious again. "We will certainly take this warning very seriously, Severus," he said. "I haven't had any indications from Harry that he has had any similar nightmares. I will ask him about it, though. To all appearances, you will be summoned again soon, Severus. Are you prepared?"

Michael stared at the man. What had he done wrong? He tried one more time. "Sir, you don't understand. Please. I am not Professor Snape. I cannot be him. I'm somebody else. You've lost your professor. You must do something! I'm convinced the man is in danger."

Dumbledore sighed. All of a sudden he looked like an old man. "This war is a strain upon us all, Severus. Under pressure some explode, others develop into diamonds. I trust you, Severus. Have faith in yourself."

Dumbledore nodded at Michael and he understood that he was dismissed.

He rose, thoughts swirling through his head. He didn't understand anything anymore. It was as if these people spoke an entirely different language.

He staggered out, suddenly feeling the intense desire to find some quiet by the lake.