Title: Astray
By: Melusina
Category: angst
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Notes: Many thanks again to my beta Mairi. She checked this story for me. If you find any remaining blunders, blame me for them...
Silverthreads – I'm sorry to be frustrating you... (smiley)
Part Ten – Mirroring EffectXXXXXX
Only a small part left to go. You can do it. Never mind the nausea. You know it will pass. You've had worse. You are strong enough. Quiet. One step after another. Try to move your upper body as little as possible. You can keep the nausea down. Breathe. This is way better. It's your own fault, though. Hell wants hell to pay. There's worse to come. Don't think that. You can do it. Don't try to hurry. You will go faster if you try to do it quietly. You know this forest. Don't go there. The spiders' lair. It is fortunate that you've been here so often before. Like that. Yes.
Good preparation. Do you really think you can continue this much longer? He has almost found you out. You know he did. Good thing that fool Pettigrew started blab. Saved your miserable life once more. The dark lord must be getting weary. Wouldn't have happened to him before. So it's not your doing to have gotten away this time. The next time you're framed. Or the one after that. What does it matter anymore?
It matters. Get a grip. You are not going to die like that. Why not? It wouldn't even be exchanging one hell for another. I've had that before. Might even get some peace. You know you wouldn't. Not like this. Keep going. I will haunt you if you don't. Great. Being threatened by my own ghost. Pathetic. My mind has apparently finally become unhinged. Schizophrenia. Clear case. Not without some interest, though. Interested? Is there still some part of me that wants to live? But why? Is there one reason in this world or the next why I should want that? What is there in it that I haven't seen before? How would you imagine your life to be? Career? I don't know if I still want it. I used to. But the whole world changed. Well, and what do you dream anyway. Like you would ever get rid of that beautiful stigma on your arm. You're in for life, and you know it. What then? People around you? (Do you not even dare to think it?) So – people? Well, what people? You've done your best to chase away anyone who might have been a candidate. Done a great job, too. They would forget you if you rebuilt Hogwarts. Stone by stone. They would very likely still credit Dumbledore. Or worse. Potter. Keep going. Just keep going.
XXXX
Hermione hesitated as she saw the lonely figure of her professor, sitting by the lake. Strange how often she seemed to find him there. He used to be a lot more in the dungeons before. Another change. Perhaps the cold and the dark had finally affected him.
"Professor?"
She saw the look in his eyes. Bewildered. Strange. Completely different from his normal, poised self. She saw the anguish and momentarily forgot herself. "Professor, are you all right?" she laid her hand on his and he flinched.
"I cannot believe what I did," she heard him say. "I just betrayed them all. How could I?"
Hermione's heart seemed to stand still a moment. She could only stare at her professor. A thousand emotions went through her at the same time. The memory of Snape, taking care of a hurt animal. The look in his eyes when he talked about dark magic. The way he unconsciously seemed to relax when he looked at the lake and the forest. The way he had changed his teaching. Something was very wrong here. She was ice cold, but seemed unable to move.
"I am a stranger in this place. But somehow I feel at home. More so then in my own house. The last few years have been so empty. This world is just so fascinating. I'm sorry. I should leave."
Hermione forgot what she was thinking. "Professor, is there some way in which I can help you? What is the problem?"
He looked at her and seemed to notice her for the first time. He faintly smiled. Her heart jumped.
But "I don't think so," he flatly said.
"Don't you think you've got friends, Professor?" Hermione carefully asked.
"If people offer you their friendship, it is all the more bitter to be deceiving them," the other responded.
"Why do you underestimate so many people, Professor? Don't you think that people trust you? That they have known you for such a long time that they just understand?"
The smile hurt. "I would like to meet the man who has such friends. Friends who have known one for such a long time, that they look past the exterior and see the person behind it."
Hermione didn't know what to say at that, so she just sat there. Her hand was still lying on Snape's. She wondered if he noticed.
XXXX
Nearly there. Only a small part left. You can do that as well. You know you can. You are going to be a mess when you arrive. Hell, you are a mess already. It is not as if the students are going to notice. Should fit their notions nicely if the greasy git for once actually is greasy. Or bloody and sweating. Never mind. This is more important. Is it? Why is it more important? It is. You know it is. Would more harmony in the world ever be of any benefit to you? Nothing much is ever going to change. And you know it. Why bother? Perhaps it will give me one decent night's sleep. Perhaps it would be worth it after all. If you can sleep through the Gryffindors' horrid noise, that is.
XXXX
Remus Lupin came out of his rooms and walked in the direction of his classroom. He liked to have his things in order and the idea of being prepared did a lot to quite his mind and to ease his teaching. And he had the opportunity to think about Snape while occupied differently, which was a good thing. He was unable to think of anything else.
Something was very wrong with Severus. The man was wrestling with something important. But the memory of Snape's lips on his own, and the feeling of the hesitant arms around him filled him with such a wild joy, that everything else faded away.
As he was about walk up to his classroom, he saw a dark figure out of the corner of his eyes. Crumbled. Something off about it. Hard to say what. Slow. Moving towards him. Holding himself tightly. It hurt just to look at him. Severus.
For a moment Remus just stared at him. Then walked, ran towards him. He took him in his arms but startled when the other flinched. He neared him again. He reached out his hand slowly, not wishing to startle the other but wanting to express his concern. He slowly touched the other man's cheek. "Severus, what is the matter with you?"
The other man raised his eyes towards Remus with difficulty. He seemed only partially aware. On the point of collapse.
Remus gently put his arm around Severus' waist and assisted him. Severus seemed to wish to say something, but it was nearly unintelligible.
Remus gently kissed his temple and took him to the infirmary. He saw to it that he was taken good care of and went for Dumbledore's office.
Severus gradually became aware of his surroundings. Some of the deep ache in his bones and his back seemed to have faded. The urgency in his mind remained. He opened his eyes and looked around him. The infirmary. What had happened? He remembered that he had reached Hogwarts at last. He must have collapsed somewhere in the corridor and be taken to the infirmary. For some reason he could remember that someone had carried him. Someone strong. Hagrid? But there was a ghost of a memory in his mind of gentleness. Loving care and a kiss. He felt something prick in his eyes and he blinked. As if there was one soul in the castle who would hold him. Much less kiss him. It caused an ache in his chest somewhere so deep that he knew that he would cry if he thought about it any longer.
His train of thoughts was interrupted when Poppy Pomphrey appeared next to his bed. "I am very happy to find you conscious again, professor," she smiled warmly. "The broken bones have been healed. I will hand you a potion that will take care of all the irritated skin surface damage. You should presently feel much better."
She put a careful arm around Snape and saw to it that his hair was gently wiped out of his eyes before she gave him his potion. She had a special place in her heart for him after he had taken the trouble to go through he collection of herbs with her a few days earlier, and to give her an old and simple recipe for a soothing balm.
Snape had never received such a gentle treatment by her hands before. They had always held each other in a mutual, but distant and aloof respect. Somehow, however, he couldn't find it in his heart to make the dismissive, sarcastic remark he would otherwise have made. He was bone weary.
"I need to see Dumbledore."
"Of course. Remus had already gone to fetch him."
"Lupin?"
"Yes, right after he brought you in here. Dumbledore can be here any minute."
As she spoke, the headmaster entered the infirmary.
"Ah, Severus. I am sorry to find you like this. How do you feel?"
"Better," Severus just answered.
"I am relieved to hear it. The summons must have come very sudden, that you couldn't find the time to contact me?"
Snape just nodded. He couldn't spare the energy to say more than he absolutely must.
"The passage under the Womping Willow. You need to ward it. The attack will be from there. Pettigrew. Midnight. Another attack at the astronomy tower. Half an hour later. Then Gryffindor tower. Half an hour later. Malfoy. They want seventh year Slytherin to take care of Hufflepuf. Don't know that Malfoy won't obey his father. Same for the rest. Except Zabini. Attack at the great hall. Then the Ravenclaw wing. Last the infirmary. They will attack your office after the infirmary. Orders to kill everyone non pureblood and everybody else who resists."
Snape was silent. The sweat dripped from his front from the effort of speaking. Dumbledore wiped his face again.
"Tonight?"
Snape just nodded.
"Were you found out?"
Snape shook his head. "No. He was just displeased with me, because I failed to produce another rejuvenating potion. And he wanted to have me out of the way tonight."
"Did you give him the keys to the wards?"
Severus nodded again, exhausted by the effort. "The fake ones. As we agreed upon."
"Have you been obliviated? Been put under the Imperius curse?"
Severus shook his head, eyes closed. He understood the relevance of Dumbledore's questions, but it still hurt to see how much the headmaster seemed to take for granted. He didn't understand himself any more. He knew that he would have been uncomfortable if Dumbledore had shown any more personal interest. Still, it hurt that he went over it without any comment.
Lost as he was in his own contemplations, he missed the sharp look Dumbledore shot him. Yes, Severus had changed very much over the last month. Some of the old resistence and bitterness was broken. It hurt Dumbledore to think how much pain had been necessary to reach this. He cast a quick spell at the silent man. He had to be sure the he was under no form of magical force or restraint.
The spell showed nothing. Satisfied, Dumbledore searched the mind of his professor to see if there were any memories missing. He didn't want to risk the change that Severus had been obliviated. No gaps in the memories. But Dumbledore frowned at the endless torture in Snape's memory and the hours of agony on the way back to Hogwarts. How was that possible? It was evident that Snape had only been away a short time. He himself hadn't even noted his absence. It was true then that agony seems to take hours in the mind of the victim, while in reality it is only a few minutes. Bitter truth. Snape must be hiding a lot of pain under his cold exterior.
Dumbledore sighed deeply and left the infirmary, leaving Snape in charge of Poppy and Remus, who for some reason had followed him back to the infirmary.
Severus sank back in the temporary mercy of potion induced sleep. When he woke up again, Remus Lupin was sitting next to him. Severus looked at him amazed. Dumbledore must have forgotten to ask something. Why hadn't he bothered to wake him up?
Before he could ask something, Remus bent forward and gently wiped the sweat away from his braw. And kissd him.
Severus stared at him dumbstruck. Remus saw the look in his eyes and misunderstood. He bent over and kissed him again. "Are you feeling any better?"
Severus just stared at him. Remus gently stroked his temple. "I can only imagine what you must be going through, Severus," he quietly said. "I'm sorry that you had to go through all this. I was worried about you after what happened last night. But I am happy to be the one who found you. Don't worry about Sirius. He is safe. And rest assured. Voldemort is going to have an ugly surprise. We will have a fight tonight. But we will win. And after that we will have a time to find to ourselves again."
He rose to leave. Severus stared after him. He must have misheard. Their last encounter hadn't been that friendly. He couldn't fathom what had happened to Lupin.
'Wait," he cracked out.
Lupin turned around, with a slightly amused smile. "Yes?"
Severus just stared at him. He didn't know what to say or to ask. It seemed weird to ask why the werewolf was suddenly so much friendlier.
"I don't understand. Last night... Black..." His voice faded away.
Remus just stroked his temple again.
"We've been through that before, Severus. I don't have all the answers. I don't know what is going to happen. But..."
Here he bent and kissed Severus again. On the lips.
The first few seconds Severus didn't register anything more than just that. The werewolf was kissing him. Then he felt the warmth of hands holding his head gently. The slight scraping of hands on chin. The smell of woods and forest that went with it. A tongue that probed his mouth gently. Lips that nibbled his. A tongue that sought entrance, but didn't force its way in. Suddenly, Severus felt like a starved man in an oasis. His mind reeled. He slowly lifted his hands. Hesitantly allowed himself to touch the other man's shoulders and neck. Allowed himself to slide his fingers through the hair and stroked the templed with his thumbs. Arousal that came like a wave.
It was like a moment frozen in time.
After long moments Remus lifted his head and smiled at Severus. "I have to go. But we will win. Please live."
He stroked Severus temples once more and left.
Severus stared after him and then sank back into the pillows. Mind reeling. Thoughts chasing each other. Eyes pricking behind the lids. It had been far too long that he had longed for somebody's touch. Now that it had come, it had been to too much, too unexpected. Too little understood. He didn't know what had come over the werewolf. Would Remus come back? Or was it just an impulse under the influence of impending fight? In that case he would rather die. Or wouldn't he? Why did he always want to live, just to find out that life was worse than his worst nightmare? He dozed off, unaware that the tears were silently flowing down his cheeks. His thoughts uneasy, chased by haunting memories.