"Who came up with the word 'linoleum'?" Asked a tiny voice from behind Julie. Julie turned around and her eyes fell upon her mentally crippled friend Hayley. Julie didn't know what to say, so she made something up.

"Mister Rhonda Linny-oleum. And why do you ask, my quizzical little lawn chair?" Hayley frowned.

"Why do you ask why I ask? Is it such a crime to want to gain knowledge of kitchen flooring?" Hayley gave Julie a mean look then stomped off mumbling things like 'poo noggin' and 'mister meanie pants'. The subject of linoleum was never brought up again.

SARAH

Sarah was the kind of person that makes you feel good about yourself and that you can relate with. Everyone seemed to like her. Excluding Richard Simmons cause he's never met her. Neither has Bill Clinton. Okay, you catch the drift.

Sarah was surrounded by everyone as usual. It seemed if Sarah walked into the room, someone would stop what they were doing and rush over to be at her side first. And this time it happened to be Kayla, who was trying to fight off the rest of the pack.

"Back off, you tribe of spankalicious car seats! She's mine, you hear? All mine! Ah heh muah heh!" Kayla began to foam at the mouth, and her left eye was a bit out of alignment. Everyone backed away slowly, because you're not supposed to run from a wild animal, you're supposed to be very still. If all else fails, try digging a small hole that is deep enough for you to squat in.

-Courtesy of The Survival Guide For People Who Are Face To Face With A Band Nerd Who Possibly Has Rabies-

"Oh Kayla. Come along now. We need to go for a walk. Pip! Don't mingle, let's tally along now." Sarah was speaking British for some reason. But it was cool because Sarah is cool and we all love her.

Kayla whimpered like an infant turtle and hurried along behind Sarah. The two left the band room and headed to the girl's bathroom. Why? Well wouldn't you like to know?..you pervert.

Sarah stood in front of the mirror and ran her hands over her face. "My head is so big." She said out of her big plump lips.

"Well I look so fat." Kayla said as she was a big fat guy.

The two stood criticizing themselves for ten minutes tops, then Sarah heard a strange noise. "Oh my dear goodness! What was that I just heard?" She struck a dramatic pose then cupped her ear to hear it better. "Sweet Maggots! There it was again!"

"I wanna hear! Lemme have at it!-"

"No you impudent mortal! It's my strange noise case right now! You can have the next one. Now let's see...it's coming from.." She turned and stood in front of a stall door. "..in there."

Kayla bit her lip and gasped. "No! It can't be! Maybe someone's in danger!"

"Quiet, you!" Sarah grabbed Kayla's head and bit off her ear. She then released her and stood in front of the stall again, pulling at her goatee in thought. Kayla whimpered a bit, then fainted. "Well that takes care of that." Sarah kicked Kayla aside as suddenly-

"Sarah! What 'cha'll up to, eh? Tinklin' perhaps? Or powdering our noses?" Mister Smith asked, flouncing into the bathroom. Sarah blinked.

"What are you doing in the girl's bathroom?"

Mister Smith didn't answer. Instead, he used Kayla's body as a footstool to apply his eyeliner in the mirror. Sarah sniggered.

"What are you laughing at?" He asked, putting his delicate little hands on his delicate little hips.

"Nothing- shut up. Before you came in here I was trying to listen to a noise." Sarah and Mister Smith listened in silence. Then a cry was heard.

"Ooh ooh! I heard a cry! Go Smith-myster!" Mister Smith praised himself then began humping the air. Sarah gagged.

"Ew. Now let's see what's in this stall. Someone might be hurt!" She inched close to the stall door and placed a hand on the handle. Mister Smith went to hide in a wastebasket, because he could fit in it.

There was a pause, and the atmosphere was electric and the hair on Sarah's neck erected as she opened the door.

She screamed as she saw a-

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