Title: Astray
By: Melusina
Category: angst
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Notes: Many thanks again to my beta Mairi. She checked this story for me. If you find any remaining blunders, blame me for them…
This chapter has been edited a bit because of the rating policy of ffnet. The unabridged story can be found on the SnapenLupin mailinglist. I think I will also publish it on aff sometime soon. If anybody wishes to have the complete text before it is published on aff, mail me. I'll send it to you. As far as this chapter goes – I'm sorry. The real stuff is better.
Part Twelve - ReconciliationSeverus Snape was sitting on his own armchair in front of his own fire in his own rooms. There was no need for more assistance in the infirmary. There were copious amounts of healing potions available. He had all the reasons in the world to be content about the work he had done before he had left. Good thinking. Good planning. For once – a good job. He had heard the thanks expressed to Madame Pomprey in the infirmary, so he supposed it was all right.
He sighed. No reason why he shouldn't enjoy this small moment of peace before the world would crash down upon him once more.
Except that he couldn't. There was no reason to feel this uncomfortable in his own skin. Or this loneliness. He had never thought he could be this hurt when a student greeted him so friendly in the corridor. Must mean that Carey.
Six bloody weeks the man had been teaching here. He apparently had, from what Snape could gather, revolutionised the entire curriculum. Born out of necessity, of course, but still. And nobody had noticed. He had never even tried to imitate Snape. He wouldn't know how to. Yet, no one had noticed. Snape didn't care to remember how long he had lived between the walls of Hogwarts, and yet a double could impersonate him without any apparent trouble. Did nobody care enough about him to notice? Would they notice it if he died in here?
Well, yes, he thought they would. Not that they would care much. From what he had seen, his successor was vastly more popular then he ever had been. At least he had lost no time in befriending the remaining Marauder. Well, that of course just meant that Lupin must be even more stupid than he had thought. Or wasn't he? But had he just not cared enough to ask himself what had happened to Snape? No, that couldn't be it. Could after all have been a danger to the Order. Daft, then. Not his problem.
It had of course been obvious that something was wrong when Lupin… Still having trouble to think it, apparently. Pathetic.
Snape sank deeper in his chair and tried to ignore the aching feeling of loss and loneliness in his heart and the tears that were silently rolling down his cheeks.
There was a soft but insistent knock on the door. At first he ignored it. Then sighed and waved his hand to open it. Lupin.
Severus didn't turn his head. "What do you want?"
"Severus…"
"…"
"I've come to ask you to forgive me."
"Because you are the victim of your own stupidity?" Severus sneeringly asked. "I will, gladly. It does a person good to be right about something."
"No. Because it took a stranger to learn to know you. And that although I've know you these twenty years. I'm sorry. I truly am."
Severus just shrugged. "And now you think you know me? You never stop to amaze me."
"No," Remus just said. "But I've come to learn a bit more about you. And what I've seen made me wonder."
Severus kept his head turned away. It wouldn't do for Lupin to see his face. Some small amount of dignity left to keep. If only the man would leave quickly and leave Snape alone.
He didn't hear the sound of a closing door. He felt Lupins hand on his shoulder. Fingers that stroked his hair gently.
"It was a stranger who made me see what I have always known," Lupin softly said. "Like a long closed window suddenly opened. Offering a whole new perspective. It made me realise… You must have thought… But I'm not sorry that I was mistaken for a while. I'm happy to have been."
Something cold settled inside Snape's heart.
But the fingers continued to stroke his hair and his neck. "Now that I've seen the two of you, I could never be mistaken again," Remus softly said.
With that he gently turned Snape's head around and kissed him.
For a long moment, Snape allowed it. Then he pushed Lupin away. Hard.
"I'm sorry, he coldly said. "I'm not offering myself up for comparison. You'll have to be content with your lover."
"He's not my lover, Severus. He never was."
"It is none of my concern how you call your affairs, Lupin."
"He is like a charmed window to me, Severus. He made me see you differently. Or perhaps more like you are. And seeing you made me want to get close to you. To get to know you better. I am sorry at how much I hurt you, Severus. It made me realise how deeply you were hurt already."
With that he bent over again and kissed Severus again. He slid on the arm of Severus's chair. He captured his head with both hands and stroked the back of his head and his temples. He gently kissed the corners of his mouth. He stroked his lips, so gently, that Severus felt the tears prick behind his lashes again.
He kissed his lashes, the corners of his eyes, the line of his hair and his cheekbones. Then he returned to the mouth and gently requested entrance. After a moment, Severus allowed it and Lupin's tongue slipped into his mouth.
As Lupin deepened the kiss, Severus felt the answering emotion stir in his loins. He slowly brought up his hands. He stroked his sides gently, then moved his hands and explored the muscles of Lupjns back and neck. Lupin moaned and instinctively moved closer to Severus. Their chests touched. Lupin moved one hand down and gently touched Severus chest and his nipple. A shudder went through Severus. It had been a very long time ago that he had felt anything as arousing. His hands grew bolder, moved feverishly over Lupins chest and shoulders.
Finally they broke the kiss, both breathing heavily.
For one moment they stared at each other. Severus could feel the first hint of disbelief creep back into his mind. It couldn't be. It couldn't be real.
Then "To bed, Severus. We have both waited for this for far too long."
They silently rose and walked into Severus bedroom.
Severus could think no more. This felt far too unreal. He felt he couldn't wrap his mind around any of it. So he would just let it happen.
In the bedroom Remus turned so that he was facing Severus. He gently caught his face between his hands. He kissed him on the lips. He stroked the sides of Severus' face and neck, then set about removing the button of the collar and the shirt.
Severus didn't say anything. With some effort, he kept his hands by his sides and allowed the werewolf to do as he wanted. As Remus progressed, his hands touched Severus' skin. The silk of the shirt stroked his chest and his nipples. He had never thought that something so simple could be so arousing.
When the buttons were undone, Remus lifted his hands to frame Severus' face once more. Eyes closed, he remained standing there for a moment. Severus stood very still, silently enjoying the moment. Then he lifted his own slightly shaking hands to unbutton Remus' shirt. The skin of the werewolf was hot and trembled under his hands. He enjoyed the tiny sounds Remus made when his hands touched him. The shirt undone, Severus moved his hands to stroke the hypersensitive skin at Remus' sides. Remus shivered, but remained standing still. Severus enjoyed the reaction and then gently touched a nipple. Remus moaned and very nearly moved backwards. Severus raised his head and their eyes locked.
Then Remus grabbed Severus' fly with shaking hands and tried to undo it as quickly as possible. Severus helped him as well as he could, meanwhile trying to do the same to Remus. In a suddenly furious hurry they tried to remove all remaining clothing and landed on the bed in a graceless heap.
Remus landed on top of Severus. He slid one leg between Severus'. He had his hands on Severus' shoulders and pinned him on the bed. They kissed passionately. Severus felt the weight of Remus' hands on his shoulders and his kisses on his lips. Each hungry kiss somehow ignited the excitement he felt in his stomach even further, until he shivered with anticipation and delight. Remus' moist lips moved over his mouth, his cheeks, his nose, his eyelashes, his brows and back to his lips. Their kiss deepened. Severus felt that his skin began to glow. His body trembled and shook, and he was unable to refrain from moving against the hard body that pinned him down. He trailed his fingers along Remus' sides once more and loved it when Remus moaned in delight. He could feel the other's hard length against his leg. The anticipation of what was coming gave him butterflies in his stomach.
Remus moved his hands from Severus' shoulders to his sides, and looked him into the eye before he bent over. He kissed Severus' neck and the place where his neck met his shoulder. Severus moaned when Remus finally moved over to his nipples and alternately licked and bit them. He almost arched off the bed when Remus gave them one final, loving bite before moving over to Severus' lower belly. Remus trailed his tongue to the belly button and licked it briefly before he nuzzled and nibbled Severus' upper legs, carefully refraining from touching his straining cock.
Severus moaned loudly when Remus gently pushed his legs apart. He was in a mixture of conflicting emotions, stomach weak with delight and desire and arms itching to draw Remus against him once more to end this continuing torture. His hands clenched and unclenched. His fingers grabbed the sheets and nearly tore them in their frenzy.
Remus fully enjoyed the moans and sighes that were coming from Severus. He moved his lips from the inside of Severus' long legs down to the knees and finally bent down to lick and caress the feet and the toes. By the time he had gotten so far, Severus was shivering and trembling over his entire body, and he sighed with relief when Remus finally moved up. Remus licked and nibbled him and played with his balls until Severus came with a lingering sigh. Body molten in boneless delight. Remus moved up again and took his still slightly shaking body in his arms. He said nothing. It was not necessary.
For long moments Severus felt that he was held closely against Remus' body. It was a long time ago that he had felt so utterly relaxed. He enjoyed the feeling of Remus' arms around him, the hard chest against his back and the legs that were entwined with his.
Then he felt the other's hand on his cleft and the whispered words of a charm. His breathing stocked once more, and his heart began to beat more heavily again. His breathing hitched when he felt that Remus come up to him again He lay very still, unable to do more than wait breathlessly.
It felt good, so good to be so filled. He thrust his hips against Remus with increasing urgency and lost himself in moans completely. It had been far too long for both of them. They moved quicker and quicker, both fully abandoned in their delight. Far too soon, Remus shouted out his relief, soon followed by a hoarse shout from Severus and they both sank back in the sheets, covered with sweat.
Severus woke up slowly. Next to him he felt Remus' quiet breathing. He felt entirely ensconced by the warm sheets and a quiet calm came over him.