Something Radiates – Chapter 2

Recovery

Remus awoke, acutely aware of the pain. He felt it everywhere; a pain worse than any he had ever experienced before. Even the slow, rhythmic movement of his chest as he breathed in and out was enough to make him wince. He attempted to open his eyes, but gave that up almost immediately. His eyelids felt as heavy as lead. Yet, the bed was soft; so very, very soft. He never ever wanted to move again. With that thought, he drifted out of consciousness once more…

When he awoke again, the pain, although still great, had dulled drastically. His neck was getting stiff from its position on the pillow. He was able to move his head, just a few centimeters to the right. Feeling reassured that his actions would not cause greater pain, he began to open and close his fist, stretching the fingers. After a minute of this, he did the same with his toes. He paused in his experimentation only when he began to hear voices in the background. He wondered if they had been talking the entire time. Remus tried to concentrate, but the effort made the splitting pain in his head increase.

Where was he, anyway? Certainly, he was not in his home; the bed was far too comfortable. He was not at Grimmauld Place either, though, because there was no musky smell in the air. He tried to think, but thinking took so much effort and energy. He decided he had to do something because he was too confused and the confusion was just making everything worse. In general, Remus tried to avoid confusion. He did not want to lose any more control of the situation. Although he did not know exactly what was going on, he knew it was something involving him…

Slowly, his eyelids fluttered open. The pain of the light was so intense that he felt, for a moment, like his eyeballs had caught fire. He blinked, involuntary tears falling down his cheeks. He was not positive whether he was crying from the light or the pain in his head that had just intensified. Remus blinked furiously, trying to gain focus. He could see blurry outlines of three people standing in the corner, huddled together, although who they were, he could not say. He turned his head slightly, wincing, and saw someone else – a witch, he presumed, by the smaller stature – bustling around in the other corner. He turned his head to the left, and was momentarily shocked by what he saw. Something was changing color – from blue, to pink, to blue again. He struggled to gain focus. What was that?

Suddenly, just as his vision cleared, he was hit with a memory. His body went rigid with pain and, above all else, fear.

He was standing face to face with Bellatrix; her wand pointing at his chest, as a twisted sneer reached her lips. He was cornered, but he pulled out his wand and ducked. He had thrown his own curse, the killing curse, but before he knew what had happened, he had been hit. Everything went black.

"NOOOOOOOO!"

He shot up in the unfamiliar bed, but, without warning, a wave of nausea hit and he vomited off the side of the bed. Two of the three people in the corner of the room ran over to him, startled. Remus recognized them immediately, and was suddenly filled with a sense of dread.

"Remus!" Arthur Weasley enthused, "Thank Merlin you're awake."

Moody joined them at Arthur's side, "Gave us a right scare there, son," said Mad-Eye gruffly, but Remus could see a hint of a relief in the man's normal eye. The other, magical eye was rolling around in its socket, taking in the top of Remus' head to his very toes. He suddenly felt very exposed.

Remus attempted to speak, but found that his scream had left him with little voice. Instead, he licked his dry, chapped lips and took deep breaths, as the witch he had seen earlier on the opposite side of the room cleaned his soiled sheets and floor with a flick of her wand. She was close enough that he could see her properly now. She was wearing plain robes, but the familiar crossed wand and bone patch lay proudly on her chest.

The reality began to set in. So, he was injured, that much was painfully obvious, but why in the world was he at St. Mungo's? By all laws of magic, he should be dead. Moody and Arthur were looking down on him carefully, and he could tell they were thinking along the same lines. Remus hated that he lay in bed as they stood over him. It made him feel so vulnerable.

Yet, you deserve this.

He had basically asked to die that night at the warehouse. In fact, he had created the plan based along the lines that he would, indeed, die. A part of him wished he had, just to avoid the formalities of health and visits from those he loved. Mad-Eye and Arthur were exchanging nervous glances. They obviously had no idea what to say, but Remus did not really care. Although he wished they were not there, standing beside him, they were his only chance of getting answers. He swallowed, trying to gain the ability to speak again, and licked his lips.

"What happened?"

It came out as a raspy whisper, and Remus' throat was so dry that it began to hurt. He needed some water. At that very moment, a glass levitated and filled with water from the pitcher on his bedside table, before floating, midair, before him. Remus blinked a few times, before he realized that Molly Weasley, standing quietly in the shadowed corner, had been responsible. Without a second glance at her, he took the glass, drinking quickly and feeling the relief spread through his body. He dared not look up at her; her distance spoke what her words did not. She was disappointed in him. He willed the pang of guilt in his heart away.

Remus had begun to view Molly as some sort of authority figure within the Order, in a way. She had never wasted a beat, scolding Sirius, when he was alive. Sirius, of course, never listened. It was then that Molly would appeal to Remus, who would assure Molly he'd speak to Sirius, but rarely delivered. It had been that way during their time at Hogwarts, as well. Teachers looked upon him to practice discipline over his friends, yet he could never find the courage to do it. Remus was suddenly struck with the irony of how little had changed between the two of them, even after all those years apart.

Well, now things were certainly different, there was no denying that. He couldn't really blame Molly for being disappointed – she had always viewed Remus as somewhat of a confidant. He could listen to her rave for hours on end, without complaining or even making up an excuse to leave. He didn't blame her for thinking he was different than Sirius. The thing she overlooked was that Remus wasn't all that different; he just knew how to restrain himself, for the most part. Remus wished she would stop staring at him.

No one answered his question. Instead, they remained in silence, although, every once in a while, Arthur would peek at Remus nervously, while he had the sneaking suspicion that Moody's magical eye had not once left him. A witch in another room began to scream, "The fish, the fish!" over and over again. Remus allowed himself to focus on the screaming until Arthur cleared his throat.

"So… how are you feeling, Remus?"

Mad-Eye let out a snort and Arthur shrugged sheepishly. Remus actually had to stifle a smile.

"A bit," he gasped, each word bringing on a fresh wave of pain in his ribs, "Under the weather… to be…honest…"

"As expected. You went through quite a lot. What in the world were you thinking?"

"Now Moody, do you really think –"

"The man almost got himself killed!"

"Yes, but Dumbledore specifically told us to wait until…" he paused, choosing his words carefully, "Later."

"It's all right," Remus replied wearily, "If he's going to…have a go at me, I'd prefer…sooner rather than later."

"I just don't understand what in Merlin's name you were thinking, Lupin," Moody growled, "Could've gotten yourself killed, ruined the Order…" he broke off, shaking his head.

"I – didn't think…it would have any…effect on the Order, Mad-Eye."

"You really think another loss wouldn't hurt us again? You remember what it was like during the first war, Lupin – people dying, ranks breaking… One would think that, after experiencing that, you would have had a bit more decency."

"Moody," said Molly harshly from the corner, "It's enough."

The corners of his mouth twitched, but he did not look back at Molly, "You're just lucky she was there to save you."

"She? Who…is 'she'?"

"Me," said a tiny voice from the far side of the room. Remus shifted his body so quickly to see her that he almost vomited again. He closed his eyes for a moment, waiting for the feeling to pass, before staring at Tonks. It all made sense now. She was what he had seen when he had first awoken – she had been changing her hair color.

Tonks did not stand up, nor did she meet Remus' gaze. Instead, she stared down at her hands, which were entwined on her lap. Remus looked questioningly at Arthur and Mad-Eye.

"She found the notes you left in your room. We're just lucky she had gone looking for you. We wouldn't have gotten there in time, otherwise," snarled Moody.

Remus stole another glance of Tonks as a blush crept upon her pale face. Apparently, she had decided not to go pink or blue, and was currently wearing her hair straight, black, and down to her shoulders. She still did not look up.

Remus licked his lips. "I see."

"I was worried when – when you didn't come to dinner."

Remus did not answer.

"I suppose you'd like to know what happened?" asked Mr. Weasley.

"If it's not too much trouble…"

"Of course not," he paused, thoughtfully, "Well, once Tonks found your letter to her, she told Dumbledore and Moody. We found as many members as we could, on such short notice, and went to the warehouse. By the time we got there, you and Bellatrix were pointing wands at each other. Noticing you were cornered, Tonks –"

"With some quick thinking, on her hands –"

"Yes, quick thinking," added Arthur, "Well, Tonks sent a stunner at Macnair, but unfortunately, his spell hit you before she could stop him."

"Startled the bastard, though," Moody added.

"Indeed. He was unable to finish his curse. You were knocked out by his killing curse, but he was not able to get the incantation out completely, and therefore, it could not kill you."

Remus nodded and swallowed a lump that had formed in his throat. He was unable to speak. A part of him felt touched by what Tonks had done, but, on the other hand, he wished she had just let him die. Fortunately, he had little time to dwell upon his feelings about Tonks, at the moment.

"You were told, on several occasions, that it was too risky going there," said Molly suddenly, from the corner of the room.

"…Yes."

"Why'd you go? Could've gotten yourself killed," she muttered, half to herself, "We've all been worried sick."

Again, Remus did not answer. He was at a loss for a suitable response. He doubted they would appreciate if he admitted that he had wanted to die.

"Revenge, Molly," said Arthur sadly, "Does wonders to even the most sensible of men."

Remus could tell she was holding her tongue.

Suddenly, the healer returned, bustling about and reminding all of them, with very forced politeness, that visiting hours were over, and, since none of them were related to Remus, they could not stay. Saying hasty goodbyes to Remus and promising he'd be out "in a day or so," Molly and Arthur left the room. Moody and Tonks remained, although Mad-Eye stood at the doorframe.

"Coming, Tonks?" he asked, without turning to face them.

"Just a sec, Mad-Eye."

"All right," he grunted, leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.

Remus tore his eyes from the door and rested them upon Tonks. He was so weary that he felt he could sleep for days, and yet, he was dreading the moment when Tonks would leave. It would be so lonely at St. Mungo's; he was sure of it. He had gotten so used to living in the crowded Order Headquarters that he'd almost forgotten how it felt to be alone. Almost forgotten, but not quite. Loneliness had a funny way of lurking, waiting for the perfect moment to settle upon a man once again.

Tonks shifted uncomfortably and Remus focused his attention upon her again. He could tell that she wanted to say something, and, by the way she shuffled in her place, almost tripping over her own feet, he knew she was anxious about it. Was she going to yell at him? She didn't look as if she was going to yell. Besides, he couldn't remember a time when she had yelled at him before…

She was biting her lip and staring at the ground now. He could tell she had stopped moving, to keep herself from falling. He cleared his throat, hoping to help her along. Yet, all that did was startle her, causing her to jump and place a hand to her chest.

"Sorry," Remus mumbled, "I didn't mean –"

"No, it's all right, you just startled me - I was being silly. I just wanted to say…" she paused, and bit her lip again, "Well, I just wanted to say that I'm – I'm, err, well…I'm really glad you're all right."

She forced a smile onto her face, but Remus could tell, by the look in her dark brown eyes, that she was anything but relieved.

A/N: Thank you for the great reviews on the previous chapter! I'm glad people are enjoying this fic. :D I'd love it if people could drop a word or two again. Thanks a million to my wonderful, beautiful, siriusful beta, Yen. You rock my socks! TBC…