Something Radiates – Chapter 5

Reconciliation

Remus rubbed his eyes before he closed the large book he had been reading for the past three hours. He stood, chair legs scratching against the wooden floor, stretched, and yawned hugely, before glancing at the clock in the former Black study. It was early evening, but dinner would not be served for another two hours, and he was surprisingly hungry. Slowly, he made his way toward the kitchen, expecting it to be empty so he could sneak some food. However, he stopped abruptly when he saw Harry sitting on a chair at the table, as Molly hovered over him, cutting his hair. They both looked up upon Remus' entrance.

"Hello Harry, Molly. I've just come to grab a bite to eat."

Molly resumed working on Harry's hair. "Dinner's in a few hours."

"Yes, I'm well aware of this, but I thought I'd just grab a slice of bread…"

"All right."

As Remus cut off a slack of bread from the loaf, he studied Harry and Molly out of the corner of his eye. She was furiously avoiding him, but he was not the least bit surprised. They hadn't been alone since that night at the warehouse, and he was fairly sure that this was not merely coincidental. On the other hand, Remus felt relived that Molly wouldn't be asking to give him a haircut. Although he was not a fan of long hair, he certainly did not want to enlist Molly Weasley to cut his hair; she gave short hair a whole new meaning. However, Harry didn't seem too bothered by this. In fact, he seemed rather pleased by the attention, which struck Remus as odd, considering the large lock of hair that she now held firmly in her hand. Then again, if Harry's hair was anything like James' was, it would grow back while he slept.

As he watched Harry, Remus allowed himself to think of James – a guilty pleasure that bound Harry to the memory of his father. Nonetheless, Remus lost himself in memories of cheering crowds at quidditch games and James' unruly hair flying haphazardly about his head. Just as he remembered how James would punch his arm when excited, Harry's voice roused him from his thoughts. Remus blinked a few times, gathering himself, before focusing on Harry.

"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

"I just wanted to know if you were all right."

"Of course I am, Harry."

"Well, you just looked a bit – out of it."

Remus thought he heard Molly click her tongue, but when he looked up, she did not seem to be paying their conversation the least bit of attention. He licked his lips nervously, before refocusing again on Harry.

"Yes, I've been a bit tired, actually. Working all day, you know how it is. I'm just going to –"

Before Remus could finish his sentence, the unmistakable sounds of someone arriving by Floo filled the kitchen. All eyes fell upon the fireplace, as Arthur Weasley clambered out of it, quickly followed by George, Fred, Ginny, and, at last, Ron. Ron coughed and struggled to escape the small fireplace, before straightening and brushing off his robes. Harry was standing now, a huge smile dancing on his face. Ron looked up sharply, before smiling back at him.

"Harry!"

"Hey Ron," Harry replied avidly, "Thanks for all the letters, they were really great."

"Nah, I had no idea what to write ab –"

"That's okay."

Molly cleared her throat. "Why don't you kids go up and get settled in your rooms, hmm?"

Harry's grin grew. "You're staying here then?"

"Of course! Couldn't let you suffer in this rotten place alone, could we?" asked Fred.

"Certainly not," George agreed, before beginning to walk toward the stairs.

Remus watched as the rest of the children followed, before moving to do the same. However he had barely escaped from the kitchen when Arthur placed a hand on his shoulder. Remus froze in his place.

"Can I speak with you for a moment?" Arthur muttered.

"Of course," replied Remus, feeling a distinct fluttering in the stomach. "What's wrong? Is someone hurt?"

"No, nothing like that. It's just, well – " he sighed and nodded toward the kitchen, where Molly was cleaning up the remnants of Harry's earlier haircut. "She's been a bit – upset… lately."

"Has she?" answered Remus tightly.

"I know this must be hard for you – she's not being fair."

He sighed, relenting. "No, I understand."

Arthur shook his head. "Honestly, she gets like this from time to time. I'm sure if you just talked to her… maybe just told her how you were feeling – only if you're comfortable with that, of course – she'll understand. She really cares about you, Remus."

"And I appreciate it, but I'm just trying to give her space. I'm not expecting any miracles here, Arthur."

"Of course you're not. She's just – this has got her really upset."

"Oh…"

"I just thought maybe… it would help…"

Remus contemplated this for a moment. Although he did not particularly look forward to being honest with Molly, she did seem truly anguished. If anything, confronting their problem would at least allow her to say whatever she was feeling up front, instead of making offhand comments at the most unexpected times, often leaving him stunned.

"Well… things couldn't get any worse between us, could they?"

Arthur grinned. "That's the spirit!"

-

Remus allowed himself a few minutes to prepare for the inevitable. It was silly to be nervous. After all, he and Molly had shared feelings and comforted each other before.

Well, that isn't completely true, he reminded himself.

He had comforted Molly often, over the past year. He had been her shoulder to cry on when she had dealt with that boggart last summer, and whenever she felt particularly afraid for Harry, Ron, or anyone else close to her. But when had he admitted his own feelings to her? It wasn't particularly a fair friendship, he realized, but that's how most of his friendships were. He felt the familiar guilt overwhelm him, as he entered the kitchen with heavy feet.

At first, Molly did not notice him. She was cooking dinner and humming an undistinguishable tune under her breath, as Remus watched her. It made little sense to him but, at that moment, he felt almost envious of the woman. Remus had struggled for a good part of his adult life to feel passionate about anything, and here she was, enthusiastically cooking a meal fit for a feast. The irony of the situation was beyond fathomable. He struggled to focus on his task.

Molly finally noticed Remus standing there and ceased to hum. Instead, her eyes bore into his as they stood facing each other in silence. Remus realized this had become a competition, the loser being the one who spoke first. He swallowed, knowing fully well that this was not his battle to win.

"Hello, Molly."

"Remus," she replied shortly, before returning to her cooking.

He shifted in his spot. His lungs felt uncomfortably tight. He had never been particularly gifted in sharing his feelings, but he knew that was the only possible way to get Molly to forgive him.

"Molly, I think we need to talk."

With a flick of her wand, Molly set a large pot on the stove, before wiping her hands on her apron and turning toward Remus. She seemed to have calmed down some, and she now only regarded him with mild suspicion.

"All right."

He sighed and ran his hands through his graying hair. "I'm aware things have been a bit – strained – between the two of us lately."

"If you say so."

"Yes, well, I want you to know I feel horrible."

"That things are strained between us?"

"Yes."

"All right."

Molly turned back toward her cooking and, with a flick of her wand, began chopping vegetables. This was going to be harder than he had originally thought. If Molly didn't come out and express her feelings headfirst, it was obvious that she was truly upset. He had only seen her hold her tongue like this once before, and that was concerning the twins and their unexpected flight from Hogwarts a few months ago.

"Molly?"

"Yes, Remus?" she replied evenly, not removing her eyes from the vegetables.

"Would you like to yell at me?"

He cringed. That sounded daft. Too late now.

At this, she turned her head to face him, staring incredulously. "Is that really how you see me, as one who can only express her feelings through anger?"

"What? No, of course not. You just seem… upset."

"Upset, yes."

"But you're not angry?"

"Well… angry is a relative term."

"Excuse me?"

"After all, how could I, in good conscious, be angry with you for trying to get yourself killed?"

A strange silence filled the room. She had finally come out and said what they had both known was the problem between them. He decided this was not a question for him to answer, so he just stared curiously at her. She seemed to be contemplating the answer, but she never spoke. Instead, she turned her attention to the stove, muttering about almost burning the dinner.

"Why couldn't you be angry with me?"

She smiled ruefully at him. He was playing with fire.

"If you want to die, Remus, it isn't my concern."

Remus felt as if she had just slapped him across the face. That was harsh, even for Molly.

"You're right. In my defense, I wasn't thinking straight."

"That's your defense?" Molly replied, amused. "Pretty weak, if you ask me."

"Look, I don't think I have to re-tell my life's story, do I? You know the basic outline – six year old boy gets bitten by a werewolf and is rejected by peers and feared by parents; boy grows up, finds people who truly care about him and aren't afraid, and then he loses them, too; man no longer has anything to live for, aside from life itself."

"And that isn't enough?"

"Have you ever lived just because that's what you thought you had to do? Your life revolves around your family, Molly; I don't have any family to live for."

"That's not fair, Remus. We're your family and you know it."

"I suppose so."

"You suppose? Remus, there are people in this house who would die for you. Isn't that enough?"

"I don't want anyone to die for me!"

A shadow of a smile passed over her lips. "You don't really have a choice in the matter, do you?"

"It's not the same – I couldn't – I had to –"

"Get revenge."

"Yes."

"You knew the risks, Remus. It was suicide."

He paused. "Yes."

"Well, there you have it. It hurt me, but it also isn't so horrible for me that you almost died, Remus. Of course I care about you, but I also care about Harry. I thought you did, too."

Remus sighed. "I wasn't doing Harry any good before… but avenging Sirius – he would've liked me to –"

"Maybe at the time, yes. But what about when he grows up and doesn't have you there? Whether or not you realize this, Remus, you are his role model!"

"I hardly –"

"If you just opened your eyes, you would see how much we all care about you!"

Remus plopped down on the wooden chair. "I wasn't aware."

There were tears streaming down Molly's cheeks. "Do you know what it felt like when I saw Tonks clutching your letter while you were in St. Mungo's? Poor girl, blamed herself – thought she should have kept a closer eye on you," she paused. "We were all so worried – didn't know if you'd survive - it was tearing us apart. When one member goes down, we all lose so much! You saw it with Sirius!"

He looked down at his entwined hands, resting on the table. "You're right."

"Remus, you were thinking with your heart and that's good. You need to do it more often. I'd like to believe the rational side of you would not have gone to that warehouse. But you have to let some of your logic slip into these decisions, as well. You tend to choose one extreme or the other, but there's a balance."

Remus nodded, feeling weighed down by his humiliation. It wasn't often he thought with his heart and this was the exact reason why he didn't.

"If it helps," Molly added quietly, "It's just like something Sirius would have done."

He swallowed painfully. "I know. That's – that's…why I did it." He chuckled bitterly. "Looks like I'm suffering the same fate, aren't I? Being locked up in this place…"

Molly took his hand in hers. "I understand, but remember, Remus - when you make a decision, you're not just making it for yourself – you're making it for all of us."

Remus bit his lip and nodded, holding back tears. He felt horribly exposed.

"You should tell Harry what happened. He has a right to know."

He gaped at Molly for a moment. She had, after all, spent much of the previous months trying to shield Harry from all harmful news. However, she had a serious look set in her eyes and all Remus could do was nod in agreement. He had been planning on telling Harry, anyhow.

"I hope you forgive me for saying those harsh things about you earlier –"

"Of course."

Molly grinned and he forced a smile in return, before she embraced him tightly.

"Tomorrow," she whispered in his ear, "I'm going to give you a haircut."

He suppressed a groan. "That's very generous, thank you."

-

After dinner, Remus found himself in the unanticipated position of being alone with Harry. He hadn't expected it to happen so soon, and yet, there they both were, feeding Buckbeak in silence. He decided that he might as well talk to Harry now – no use putting off the inevitable. Remus cleared his throat, as Harry turned his attention from the hippogriff he had been stroking.

"Harry, how have you been?"

"All right," he replied tightly.

Remus laughed then, soliciting a bewildered look from Harry. Even Buckbeak had begun to watch with mild with interest. "Of course, it's been horrible. What was I thinking?"

"That's all right," Harry replied warily, "It's over now."

"Very true. I suppose I should rephrase the question: how have things been so far today?"

Harry smiled then. "They've been pretty good. It's a bit weird being here after… you know…" he kicked at the ground as he stared down intently.

Remus had not been expecting Harry to bring the topic of Sirius up for discussion, but it made beginning his confession easier. "Yes, unfortunately, I do know. Actually, in regards to that, I have something to tell you –"

However, before he could finish, the door to the former bedroom swung open, hitting the wall with a loud bang. Both Remus and Harry turned, startled, and pulled their wands out, but the wands were quickly forgotten as Tonks ran in, wide-eyed and breathless.

"Tonks? What the hell –?"

"There's been a Death Eater attack!"

A/N: Apologies for a) the lack of updates b) the lack of R/T in this chapter. That's just the way life is, kids. ;) Thank you for all the great reviews. They've really helped me put writing this fanfic into perspective, and I've honestly put many of your suggestions into use. It's nice to know what I'm doing right (or wrong!) so I can do more (or less!) of it in the future. Last, but certainly not least, as always, thanks to Mrs. Yen Beta, my lawfully wedded huswife, for her mad beta'ing skilz. I hope you all enjoyed your Halloween! (My costume is of a loser sitting at home, doing a Spanish project, and listening to The Killers' CD over and over again, hooray.)