THE LOVE TORN

How am I supposed to feel about the things I've done?

I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run

I know that I hurt you, things will never be the same

The only love I ever knew, I threw it all away.

Breathing

Yellowcard

Rachel watched the two as they joked and laughed near the lockers. She was well aware of Anna's lingering touch along Seth's arm, and even more aware of him not attempting to stop it.

"Hey Chino, how you doing?"

Rachel spun at the sound of the male voice behind her. Mark stood there watching Seth and his companion before looking down at her concerned.

"You two having troubles?"

Rachel looked up at him. "That obvious?" She asked sarcastically.

Mark half laughed. "Guess it was a pretty stupid thing to say."

Rachel shrugged not wanting to insult her friend but at the same time not caring if he took offence to the gesture.

"So I'll see you in class?" He asked.

"Sure thing."

Neither of them moved, they just stood there staring at each other as though lost in a completely different world.

Mark moved a little closer and Rachel looked away from him not wanting to lead him on in any way. She didn't have much of a choice though when he turned her face and captured her lips with his.

Rachel pulled away and pushed him off her.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" She demanded.

"Isn't that what you Chino people are like? You don't care about if you're in a relationship."

"I can't believe you, we're meant to be friends you son of a bitch."

"Come on, friends? We both know we want more."

Rachel stood up a little taller. "What I want is for you to get the hell away from me."

Mark walked away leaving Rachel yet again alone in the hallway of the large school. Seth and Anna had moved on now, and she was unaware of where they had gone. The only thing Rachel did know was that their relationship was becoming a serious issue.

She felt so unwanted lately. First with Seth and now with Caleb and Julie. No one seemed to want her around any more. She and Ryan hadn't spoken for days, not since the incident in the car.

What Mark had just done only made it worse. People believed she was something that she wasn't and that hurt her more than anything.

Rachel just wanted to crawl away and hide from the world.

Seth and Anna were playing with Seth's toy horse Captain Oats when Rachel walked into the room later that afternoon. She could see by the look on Anna's face that the girl knew she was winning the battle.

"Can we talk?" Rachel asked Seth.

He looked over at Anna who only smiled. "I'll just go." She stood and moved out of the room closing the door behind her.

"What's up?" Seth asked sitting on the end of his bed and looking expectantly at Rachel.

Rachel moved over and stood in front of him looking directly into his eyes.

"Mark kissed me today," she said.

Seth's face turned to anger. "He, what? God I'm gonna kill that kid."

"And it didn't feel wrong."

Seth stopped short at Rachel's words. He stared at her feeling his entire body go numb at her words.

"You wanted it?"

"No," she insisted. "It didn't feel wrong because it didn't feel like I was betraying anyone. And...it made me realise that I only felt like this because..."

Rachel stopped, she couldn't say it, couldn't even think it, and yet here she was, standing before her boyfriend telling him that kissing someone else didn't feel wrong because it didn't seem as though they were dating in the first place.

Seth stood slowly from his spot and walked over to her. "What are you saying?"

Rachel looked into his eyes. "I'm saying that whatever we had, doesn't feel like it's there any more."

She couldn't believe she was saying this. Part of her knew that the words she spoke were not true, that she loved Seth still with all her heart. But the other part of her, the confused and scared part told her that this was the only way. She had to cut off everything that represented happiness in her life because if she didn't, she would be hurt, like all the other times.

"Why don't you talk to Anna she might be able to give you some advice," Seth said.

"Are you completely stupid?" Rachel growled. "She's the whole reason why this is happening and you never even saw it. You've been so rapped up in her arms lately that you didn't even notice that we haven't been together for days."

Seth looked at her shocked. Her voice was so strong in his ears.

"When was the last time we were alone together? Or the last time that we kissed. Or the last time that you said 'I love you' to me?"

"Rach..."

"If this is how it's gonna be, I don't want to be a part of it."

Rachel's voice was soft now and Seth could tell that she was fighting to hold back the tears which threatened to escape her eyes.

"If I can't be with you," Seth began moving closer, so close that he could feel were warm breath against his face. "Then I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't lose you again."

Rachel looked deep into his eyes and saw that her words were killing him inside.

"Who said you ever got me back? You promised me that nothing like what happened at Christmas would ever happen again."

"And it hasn't," Seth insisted. "Anna and I are friends, that's it."

"Then why does it feel like whenever she's around you get all goofy? You turn into the little boy with a crush."

"Rach, you've got this all wrong."

"No!" She yelled. "I've got this all right! You don't care any more Seth, you haven't for a while and I can see that, even when you're standing right here telling me that I'm wrong."

Seth couldn't believe what he was hearing. Rachel's words were so pained as she spoke, and he had no idea that she had been feeling this way.

He lifted his hand to her face and turned it to look directly at his.

"What do I have to do?"

Rachel didn't speak for a moment.

"Look me the eyes and say you love me. Really."

Seth didn't hesitate. "I love you. I love you Rach. God, I love you."

Rachel shook her head. "You don't mean that."

"I do."

"If you did then you wouldn't have to say it. I would know, like I used too."

Seth's eyes met her and she instantly saw the confusion, pain and regret they held. His hand left her face and his fingers entwined in her hair. Seth moved his face down to meet hers and kissed Rachel passionately feeling her return the gesture, knowing that she did truly want him.

Rachel wanted to fight him, she wanted to take control and say no, but she couldn't. This was what she wanted.

Seth moved her over to the bed and lay her down, never breaking their embrace. He felt her arms rap tightly around his neck as he rested his weight on his elbows, his body spanning the length of her.

His hands slowly travelling down her body and it was only when Rachel felt him begin to move her top up did she break away.

"No, I can't do this."

"What?"

"Seth get off me."

"Rach..."

Rachel moved out from under him and stood up beside the bed. "You think that this makes it alright? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I..."

"You, what Seth?" Rachel was yelling now.

"I just thought this is what you wanted."

"What I want is for you to understand that I'm breaking up with you, not that I want to get lucky."

Seth was quiet now, he didn't know what to say. How could he have been so insensitive?

"This isn't going to work," Rachel said in a quiet voice. "Not now, not ever, and it's for real this time."

She walked out of the room leaving a stunned Seth behind. Rachel ran into the guest room and slammed the door behind her. She didn't know what to do, what to feel. She had just broken up with the love of her life over something as stupid as jealousy.

But had it been that? Or was it more to do with her? Was she changing the way that Kurt had said she was in her dream. Was she going to back the way she used to be.

Was she turning into stone?

Ryan knew something was wrong with Rachel, seriously wrong. He could see it in her eyes when he looked at her. She wasn't herself. Or rather she was, just her old self. The same girl that he knew back in Chino.

Even as she walked past him now he could no longer see the sparkle in her eye, the one she always had when she and Seth were together. He couldn't understand why she had broken up with him, he had been the best thing that had happened to her in a long while.

Rachel noticed Ryan staring at her as she walked passed and made a note of ignoring him as much as she could. Instead she pushed her way through the crowded hallway moving to her locker, preparing to go home after a long day at school.

When she arrived there she was greeted by the not so friendly smile of Anna.

"Finally realised you couldn't win?" She asked.

"Get out of my way Anna," Rachel growled.

"Or what, you'll break up with me?" She asked moving so that Rachel could get unlock the metal door and pull her bag out.

Rachel slammed the locker door closed and looked strongly at Anna. "You don't wanna know what I'll do to you."

Anna only laughed. "You know, it's probably a good thing you and Seth broke up."

"How do you figure?" Rachel asked not caring in the least.

"That way a real woman can show him what it means to feel."

Her words hit Rachel hard and she had to force herself not to scream at her.

"And you think you're up for the job?"

"I don't think, I know."

Anna leaned in close to Rachel so that she was the only one who would hear the words, which escaped her lips in a whisper.

"I've already taken him for a spin more than once." Anna looked at Rachel. "While you were still together."

Rachel could feel herself beginning to shake, her entire body screaming for her to run, to not listen to what Anna was saying. To not believe it.

"He told me I was the best he'd ever had. Even better than the Chino trash he's so used to."

Anna barely finished the last word when Rachel punched her in the face, her emotions running high.

"Bitch!" Rachel screamed hitting her again.

Anna was knocked back onto the ground but that didn't stop Rachel's assault.

People began to gather around them seeing the commotion, which had erupted, in the hall.

Luke ran through the people taking a hold of Rachel's arms and pulling her trembling body off a now bloody Anna.

"Rach, what are you doing?" He asked but didn't get an answer because Rachel turned and ran from the hall.

She sprinted out into the front courtyard of the school her mind awhirl with what she had just done. She couldn't believe what Anna had said. Her mind wouldn't let her process it.

Rachel ran as fast as she could feeling the tears welling in her eyes and not holding them back.

Soon she could see the ocean ahead of her, the sand and the sun. Her feet hitting the sand, Rachel collapsed to her knees before the calm ocean water burying her head in her hands and crying.

No one walked the beach, no one swam in the ocean, it was completely empty, like her life. She felt completely alone. Everyone was against her, nothing was making any sense. She had lost the love of her life, she wasn't speaking to her brother and now the only friends she had were all leaving her side.

Tears rolled fast and heavy down her cheeks as weeks of bottled up emotions came spilling out.

Rachel felt like she was dying, part of her wanted to. If it meant that this could be over, that she wouldn't have to feel all this pain...

She sat back on the sand pulling her knees up to her chin, rapping her arms around her legs. She watched the waves as they crashed calmly against the shore.

Her right hand was bloody and as she looked at it she began to shake again. This couldn't be happening.

She stayed there for hours, until the sun began to drop below the horizon.

"Hey..."

The familiar voice came from behind her and Rachel didn't look up when Luke came and sat beside her watching the water.

"Hey..." she whispered.

"You wanna talk about what happened earlier?"

His voice was earnest; he seemed to be the only person at the moment that actually cared.

Rachel shook her head not looking at him.

"Rach," Luke began. "I'm the first one who'll stand up or you when things get rough, but the way you've been acting lately..."

Rachel turned her head to look at him and Luke instantly saw the tears, which had escaped her eyes.

"What?" She asked.

"It's like you're back in Chino."

She frowned at the comment and again looked away. "How the hell would you know?"

"Cos I can see when someone's trying to be tough, when their mind turns cold and they think that they have to be hard on the inside."

"Believe me, you haven't seen me hard on the inside."

"And if it's worse than this, I don't want too."

A silence swept over them while Rachel took in his words. Her way of being strong was to shut down, it was all that she knew. That meant to cut herself off from everyone, even those trying to help. Rachel knew that when she was like this she trusted no one.

But this was different, this wasn't about being strong, this was about being wanted.

Luke nudged her slightly. "Between you and me, that was a damn good hit. Your brother taught you well."

"Who said it was my brother?"

Luke looked at her and it only just occurred to him that Ryan wouldn't have been the only person she hung around with in Chino. There would have been others, just as tough as him.

"Well I just assumed..." He noticed that her eyes her downcast. "Are you feeling okay? You're not talking much."

"Cos when I do, no one listens."

"I'm listening."

"And I have nothing to say."

She was lying and Luke knew it. He could see all of the words, all of the pain which she had bottled up inside. Her eyes gave away her emotions, they always did.

"Okay..." he said, not wanting to push the matter. "How's Seth?"

"I wouldn't know."

"What? You mean you broke up?"

Rachel took a deep breath in but remained silent.

She then turned her head to face him.

"Don't you have practice?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't matter."

Rachel looked up to the sky. "Why are you doing this?" She asked almost accusingly.

She didn't want someone to tell her how to fix all her problems. She just wanted to be left alone.

"Because I'm your friend and I'm worried about you."

"Makes one of us."

Luke half smiled at her attempt to be strong. "You wanna go for a walk?"

Rachel looked over at him before shrugging.

They both rose from the sand and began to slowly move along the edge of the water.

"I love it out here," Luke said. "It's so quiet. Don't you feel like you're completely alone? Like there's nothing else in the world but you and the waves...?"

Rachel did feel this way, but even the waves weren't there for her. Everything was gone, nothing was left.

"When I was little I used to go to the beach all the time and make sandcastles, collect shells," he continued.

"People are stupid when it comes to the ocean," Rachel whispered.

"What?"

"They think it's beautiful and pure. They're always too nieve to see what's below the surface. Under all that peace there's something so deadly it would kill you in an instant. A completely different world."

She bent down and let the water run over her knuckles, cleaning them of all the blood and only leaving small splits in the flesh.

Luke looked over at her as she spoke, getting the feeling that she wasn't talking about the ocean any more. He could see the resemblance between her and the description. The beautiful, kind and caring girl on the outside, but on the inside was a past full of pain and disappointment.

"We're not talking about the ocean any more, are we?" He asked.

Rachel made no reply, instead she shivered against the chilled night breeze running her hands up and down her arms.

"Are you cold?" Luke asked stopping and turning to face her.

"A bit."

"Here."

He took off his thick jacket and moved closer so he could drape it around her shoulders. He made sure that her arms were fully covered and let his hands come to rest on her shoulders.

Rachel noticed that he was staring at her, his eyes boring into her soul.

"What?" She asked.

Luke answered her with a kiss, soft a sweet as his lips met hers.

Rachel tore away and took a few small steps back.

"What...?"

She couldn't speak, the shock of what he'd done played across her face.

"I wanted to show you how I feel," he insisted.

"Oh my God. I trusted you and all that 'I'm your worried friend' crap was bull."

"Rach..."

"Shut the hell up!" Rachel screamed she ripped the jacket off and threw it on the ground. "Take your jacket and enjoy your favourite place. Alone."

TO BE CONTINUED.........

(Hey all! Hope you likes this chapter. It was a bit longer than usual just because I couldn't write everything I wanted in a small chapter. I have too much to say! Please review.)