Disclaimer: We don't own it. We don't knowed nobody what owns it neither.
A/N: This fic is written in good humor, with no offense intended toward anyone…that said…
You know you're a redneck Elf if...
...you have a horse up on blocks in front of your talan.
...you've stabbed someone in the hand for reaching for the last piece of lembas.
...you've passed up minuvar and lembas for beer and a slim jim.
...you can burp the "Lament for Gandalf."
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The three Lorien brothers, chased out of the kitchen by Galadriel's broom, found themselves a comfy spot under the mallorn tree in the yard, leaning their backs up against the wide trunk.
"Did ya heared what Cebby was sayin' 'bout Wennie? That thar human's been tryin' ta get in her bloomers! What ere ya gonna do about it, Hal?" Rumil asked, taking another swig on his bottle.
"Me? Ah ain't gonna do nothing. She ain't my girl...if'n anybody's gotta do somethin', then it's Bubba Greenleaf! He's the one's had a crush on her fer two thousand years!"
His two brothers nodded sagely, each draining their wine in a long swallow. Wiping his mouth with the back of sleeve, Haldir let out yet another, long, reverberating belch, and scratched his balls absentmindedly, looking as pensive as someone with a third grade education could look.
"Ya'll wanna know somethin'? Ah been suspeckin' that Bubba's got hisself a crush on Gornie, too."
"WHAT?" yelled Orophin and Rumil together.
"Yer crazy! He's a Elf, not no fairy!" Orophin declared, hocking a loogie and spitting into the distance.
"Good one, 'Phin," Rumil proclaimed, impressed with the distance the spitwad had flown.
"Ah know it, ah know it...still, he's been actin' kinda funny 'round Gornie for a while now...makin' shur his hair's all slicked back nice and proper, dudin' up in his bestest Sunday-go-ta-meeting jerkin..."
"Ah noticed that, too...seems like a whole heap a'trouble ta go through jest fer yer huntin' partner, don't it?" Orophin asked, flinging his empty bottle far into the knee high grass of the lawn.
"Ah wonder if'n they was really huntin' a'tall?" Haldir said, looking at each of his brothers in turn.
"The question is, what ere we gonna do about it? We cain't have a fairy be marryin' Cebby's baby girl, now kin we?" Rumil asked, crushing his wine bottle against his forehead, cutting himself quite badly in the process.
"Shit fer brains...Ah done tole ya not ta do that!" Haldir swore, "Go inside an' have Gladrie fix that up fer ya. Damn Knucklehaid." To Orophin, he said, "Ah'll tell ya whut we're gonna do...we're gonna go find Bubba and settle this once and fer all...an if'n he tells us that him and Gornie have been pokin' each other, then we's goin' on a Gornie hunt!"
"Yee-hah!" Orophin shouted, jumping to his feet. "Ah'll git the dawgs, you git the bows n' arries!
"Meet ya in the stables in five minutes!" Haldir yelled, leaping to his feet and holding out three fingers.
From within the house, the brothers heard Galadriel screaming at Rumil. "Yer getting' blood all over mah clean floors, ya good fer nothing little shit! Bend yer haid over the sink and bleed in thar while Ah commence getting the needle an' catgut ready!"