THE FORGIVING
Leave it all behind,
Cross the borderline
Face the truth,
Don't have any time to burn
Time To Burn
The Rasmus
"I need you... I need you… I need you."
The words kept repeating over and over in Seth's minds, even now when he stood only meters away from the very person who had spoken them. She sat there atop the bathroom counter staring at him with pure shock in her eyes. Seth had been the last person that Rachel had expected to see standing there, the last one she thought would want to see her again.
The two of them stared silently at each other not knowing what to say, how to act. Everything was different between them now, it had been for so long, and there was never a time when they had truly acknowledged that fact.
"You're okay…" Rachel whispered, her voice so quiet that the words were barely audible.
She could see the hurt in Seth's eyes, see the confusion. He didn't understand why she had run. Again. She hadn't gone to him, she had lost faith in their relationship and she had run. Part of Seth knew that what Rachel had gone through was something that he would never understand, no matter how much he tried, but that didn't matter.
Seth took a step further into the room and Rachel visibly stiffened, waiting for the onslaught that he would bring. She closed her eyes against the curses, the fury, the sheer hatred that she knew he felt toward her. But what she didn't expect was what actually happened.
Rachel felt a warm, comforting hand against her cheek and her eyes widened in shock as a soft thumb brushed lightly against the bruise under her eye. Seth only smiled wirily and pulled away.
"I'm fine," he answered before taking the pain-killers which he had originally been looking for and leaving the room and a dumbfounded Rachel in his wake.
Things were slowly going back to normal, even though Rachel could barely remember what that actually was. Life at the Cohen's house was still hard. She felt as though she no longer belonged with the family that she had betrayed, but that was not how they saw it.
Sandy was clearly the happiest to see her return, next to Ryan who was now taking it upon himself to make sure that her life was as simple as possible.
Rachel went through the days with a fake smile plastered on her face, one of thankfulness and calm, but it masked the true feelings which still plagued her heart.
Going back to Chino had made her see that things would never be right in her life, no matter how much she believed that they would be. Running from the problem on caused her to have to face other ones. Past loves turned sour, past families killed before her eyes.
Kurt had been the worst blow to her, proving that no matter how much you loved or trusted someone, you never really knew who they were deep inside…
Accept for Seth. Rachel knew him as though they were one. Every detail had stored away in her mind, from the way his hair curled through the wind, to the touch of his flesh on hers. Memories continued to flood back into her mind of a time when they had been happy, so in love.
Now things were confusing and hard, and she didn't know if they would ever truly go back to the way that they were. Part of Rachel almost didn't want them too. She continued to believe that she didn't deserve what she had been given, a loving family, a safe home, a town on people who cared. Not after everything that she had done.
This was the hardest thing for her to have to deal with, the knowledge that there were honest people in the world who cared about her unconditionally, who would die for her. Something about that pulled Rachel down even further. They were fools to think that what they loved was something real. She didn't feel real at all.
But there was a part of her, buried deep inside which knew that things were okay now. That she didn't have to hide any more.
Rachel was removed from her trail of thought by a loud knock at the door. Her eyes suddenly came back into focus and she remembered that she has sitting in the lounge, staring blankly at the floor.
Climbing off the sofa Rachel made her way to the door hoping that it wasn't for her, that she wouldn't have to stand and talk to someone she barely knew as they gave her their condolences.
Pulling the door back slightly Rachel couldn't help the slight smile which tugged at the sides of her lips when she saw who stood there a wide grin on their face.
"Luke," Rachel said shocked. "Uh…hey."
Luke moved forward and pulled Rachel into a tight hug and she welcomed the gesture knowing that it was one of purity.
"I'm so glad you're okay, I was worried," he explained.
As they parted Rachel answered, "I'm fine," when in reality she was the furthest from it, and she knew that Luke could tell that she was lying, though he didn't press the matter.
"Look," Luke began as Rachel slide the door shut fully stepping outside and leaning against the house. "I'm sorry about what happened at the beach, I shouldn't have forced myself on you like that. It's just that I think you're a great person and…"
"It's okay," Rachel cut in, answering honestly. She understood that what Luke had done was a mistake and that he knew it.
"No it's not," he insisted.
"Luke, listen to me," she continued, this time her voice a little stronger as she tried to get her point across. "I overreacted, I was just so caught up in everything else that was happening…"
There was a short silence where no words needed to be spoken. Rachel felt good knowing that Luke had come to see her, they had developed a close friendship which had been momentarily torn when she left, when she turned her back.
"So, what does this mean?" Luke finally asked.
"I love you," Rachel began, "As a friend and I want it to stay that way." She smiled up at him.
"Me too," Luke replied shifting his weight slightly
He was glad that Rachel had been able to forgive him for what he had done as a spare of the moment thing. Truth be told, Luke was unsure about his feelings toward the young girl standing before him. He knew that he cared about her, loved her…but he was sure that this was simply in a platonic way. He had no intention of trying to push it further.
"It's been quiet at school without you," Luke said trying to change the subject to a lighter one.
Rachel narrowed her eyes playfully. "Should I take that as a compliment?"
It took Luke a minute to think about her question. "I'm not too sure."
Rachel let out a small laugh. "Thanks a lot."
Luke shrugged goofily. "So how are you and Seth?"
Rachel was silent, she didn't know what to say. No one had asked her about her relationship with Seth since she had come back and she knew it was because no one wanted to open any old wounds for her. But Luke was different, he wanted her to be honest, knew that the truth would only do her good in the long run.
"I dunno," she answered letting out a long breath and looking slightly downward.
Luke gave her a comforting hit on the shoulder – or at least that's what Rachel thought it was. "Stick in there, you'll be okay."
"Thanks," Rachel said before pushing off the wall she leaned against. "So, I'm better go."
"Yeah," Luke replied. "Me too."
"It was good talking to you," Rachel stated.
And she was being honest. Something about knowing that she could still open up to people helped her believe that there still was something good out there for her. This conversation had lifted an invisible burden from her shoulders, one, which she had now carried around for the days in which she had been back in New Port.
"You too," Luke said smiling before turning away and walking back down the drive.
Rachel smiled after him, and suddenly felt light and free.
"This could get interesting," Sandy said amused.
"It's not that bad," Kirsten replied.
"Yeah it is," Ryan answered.
"I think 'comical' is the word we're all looking for here," Seth stated.
They all stood in the kitchen staring over Kirsten's shoulder at the gold coloured paper, which she held in her hands. Decorated with precious silver flakes and the writing carefully crafted in calligraphy pen, each and every one of them found it in some way odd that they were reading an invite to Caleb and Julie's mid-year social party. An invite which she had completely forgotten they had.
Ryan almost found it insulting that they had dared invite the Cohen family, after everything that they had put its members through in the past few months.
"So, do we make an appearance, or all tragically fall ill with salmonella?" Seth asked.
Kirsten cast a glance her son's way. "You for one aren't going anywhere, you need your rest."
Seth stood stunned for a moment, his eyes wide. Suddenly he shook his head using his hand to clamp his gaping mouth shut. "No complaints here."
"How about you Ryan?" Sandy asked. "And don't feel in any way that you have to go, especially if you want to spend some time with your sister."
Ryan stared back at Sandy unsure of what to say. He knew that Marissa would be attending, needing as much support as possible in seeing her mother and Caleb together.
He was being pulled in both directions, not sure if he wanted to decide which path he should take. Ryan loved Marissa but he also loved his sister, who was in desperate need of caring faces around her.
Ryan cast a glance Seth's way as his mind ticked over slightly.
He smiled as he answered. "I'll go, I think Marissa could do with the support."
Sandy nodded his head understandingly. "Seth, you'll be okay on your own?" He asked.
Seth only shrugged.
"Then it's settled," Sandy finished.
"What's settled?" Came the young girl's voice from the doorway.
All the eyes in the room fell on Rachel who stood leaning against the doorframe her arms crossed, an interested look on her face.
A silence swept over the room. No one knew what to say. How to tell her that they would be attending a party hosted by the very people who had caused her so much pain.
"Jeez, and I thought silence was golden," Rachel whispered suddenly aware that everyone had stopped talking in order for her to not hear the conversation. "I'll just go…"
"No, wait!" Kirsten insisted as Rachel went to leave. "We weren't going to tell you because we thought it might be a bit much for you to handle…especially now."
Rachel frowned slightly. "Especially now…?" She repeated trying to prompt an answer.
Kirsten tried to put the news in the nicest was possible. She stood there for a moment, every so often going to say something but then thinking the better of it.
"Is someone going to tell me what's going on?" Rachel asked looking at the people in front of her.
Her eyes fell on Seth's and they shared a silent moment before Rachel tore her gaze away, not wanting him to see what she was truly feeling.
"Rachel," Sandy began. "It really doesn't concern you."
Rachel looked over at him with a smirk on her face. Sandy knew that he couldn't lie to her.
"I'm thinking it does," she stated.
Again there was silence, lasting only until Ryan spoke up.
"Caleb and Julie are having a party tonight – in an hour," he began catching his sister's attention. "Sandy, Kirsten and I are going."
Rachel stood stunned for a minute before a smile crept along her features and she let out a small laugh. She could always trust Ryan to tell her the truth, even if he feared that it would hurt her. He knew her well enough to know that keeping things a secret did her more harm than good.
"That's okay," Rachel said shrugging. "I don't mind."
Seth could see that she clearly did, and mostly because she knew what Ryan had done. He had agreed to go himself, meaning that she and Seth would be left alone together for the night, giving them the perfect opportunity to do what they had both avoided for too long. Talk.
"We'll be leaving at seven o'clock," Kirsten began. "We probably won't be back until late."
Rachel nodded her head absently looking everywhere but at Seth or Ryan. Part of her wondered if they had set this up together, but then again, Seth wouldn't have done something like this. He would have been straight to the point. Still, knowing this didn't make her feel any more comfortable with having to talk to him. Rachel didn't think that she could face that yet without breaking down completely.
The phone rang breaking the tension, which had suddenly swept over the room. As Sandy went to answer it Ryan caught his sister's gaze and saw the slight panic in her eyes. This almost made him regret what he had set up. Almost.
"Seth, it's Anna," Sandy said handing the phone over to his son.
Rachel felt a tight pang in her heart in response to his statement. She knew that Anna was still in Seth's life, that they had never parted the way that he and Rachel did, but part of knowing this also came with the cold, hard truth. She felt that Seth had moved on, had taken her departure as a chance to express his true feelings toward someone else. The very someone whom had been partly the reason for their split in the first place.
Seth laughed loudly into the phone pulling Rachel from her trail of thought and back into reality. She tried to mask the hurt expression, which washed over her face at seeing him so happy with another girl but failed miserably.
Making the most of the new distraction Rachel turned and left, not being able to bear the sight, which had now emerged, in the kitchen. She moved down the hallway and up the stairs, taking them two at a time and falling onto her bed wanting to put as much distance between herself and the people on the lower floor as possible.
This failed, however, when she realised that Ryan had followed her the entire way up.
"Anna asked me to give you this," he said handing her an envelope.
Rachel only stared at him not knowing how to answer. What was she supposed to say? She tensed slightly as Ryan sat down beside her on the bed and took in a deep breath.
"I know that this is hard for you Rach," He began.
What's he talking about…? Rachel thought before it suddenly dawned on her. It's true. I'm not just paranoid. They're really a couple.
Ryan looked at her strongly. "I'll stay home tonight if you want me too."
Rachel half-smiled at the offer, wanting so much for it to be true. But she knew that Marissa needed Ryan more than she did at the moment, even though she felt as though there was no one else for her to talk to.
Rachel shook her head in reply. "Go," she said. "Have fun."
Ryan raised an eyebrow.
"And I use the word 'fun' in the loosest of senses."
Ryan laughed at that before standing up and turning to face her. "Maybe you should think about coming back to school again, it might do you some good. The School Board lifted your suspension while you were away."
Rachel forced on a smile. School was the least of her problems at the moment.
As Ryan went to walk away and leave her to her thoughts he stopped short and looked at the envelope, which he still held in his hands. Glancing over at his sister he dropped it on the mattress beside her.
"Think about it," he said before walking out of the room to prepare for the night ahead.
Rachel watched his retreating back before looking down at the paper beside her. Part of her wanted to tear it up, to burn the pages and hopefully the person who had wrote them. But another part of her was curious as to what it might contain. What horrible truths would be revealed? What horrible words would be spoken?
This was the first kind of contact that she had made with Anna since her return from Chino.
Not being able to stand it any more Rachel took a hold of the envelope and tore open the seel, ripping the pages from within and flipping them open to reveal the words which were neatly written upon the surface.
Dear Rachel,
This is one of the hardest things I think that I have ever had to write. To ask the girl whom I destroyed the life of for forgiveness. I never meant to hurt you in such a way. To cause you so much pain out of the jealousy, which I felt. I know that the words, which I write now, will never be enough to erase the things that I've done, but I ask that they make a difference to the way, which you see me. It was wrong of me to take the relationship that you and Seth had developed into my own hands. It was wrong of me to try and destroy something that was so beautiful. But what done is done and though I wish I could turn back time and change the past, I can't. All that I want you to know is that I'm sorry for what I've done, and for the way that things only worked out for one of us.
Anna.
Rachel stared at the words on the page in complete shock. Anna had apologised, had taken the time to think about what she had done and the consequences which she had caused. Rachel almost wanted to find the girl and give her a hug, to tell her that everything was alright between them and that there was nothing to worry about. But then her eyes fell on the one sentence, which made her heart sink.
For the way that things only worked out for one of us.
This confirmed everything that Rachel had feared. She now believed that Anna and Seth were together, officially. That all the chances which she and him could have had to make things right between them again were gone.
Forever.
The time for Sandy, Kirsten and Ryan to leave for the party came too quickly for Rachel's liking. It meant that she would be alone once again, left with her thoughts – and therefore the pain, which came with them.
"We'll see you two later on," Sandy said waving Seth and Rachel goodbye as he and Kirsten walked out of the front door.
Ryan turned to his sister. "You need anything…" he began.
Rachel only smiled, enough of a reaction to let Ryan know that she would get in contact with him if she felt that she had too.
"She'll be fine with ol' Seth looking out for her," Seth stated but this only caused and awkward silence to slip over the trio.
They all knew that they were thinking the same thing…
This could end in disasterRyan gave Rachel a small wink before turning and following Sandy and Kirsten to the car.
Rachel watched her retreating brother feeling Seth shift slightly beside her. She didn't dare look at him out of fear that he would be looking back at her with those knowing eyes.
She could tell that it was going to be a long night.
Seth let out a long breath as he dressed after having a shower to clear his mind. He had known that tonight was going to be hard for both him and Rachel, neither had ever thought that they would be forced together like this. Forced to do something, which they should have done long ago.
He sat on his bed silently aware that Rachel was outside laying on one of the poolside chairs thinking the same things that he was.
How were they ever going to work things out if neither of them wanted to take the first step?
Seth knew the answer. It was because neither of them wanted to face the fact that what had happened between them was real. They didn't want to think that people could have torn them apart in such a painful way. That Rachel had been pushed so far over the edge that she had left his side and run to the place where she believed that she was safe.
He didn't want to believe that she had run back into the arms of her former lover, the one that had been there for her through her entire life. The one whom Seth believed knew her so much more than he did.
But despite this, the lingering feeling of something that he could almost describe as relief came over him. Despite feeling sick to the core at the thought that Kurt had hurt Rachel in any way, Seth was happy that she had finally realised that she didn't need Kurt in her life any more. That he didn't deserve her.
Seth stared out of his window into the darkening night sky and thought of the first time that he had layed eyes on Ryan's younger sister's beautiful face. He could remember it as though it only just happened. The way she seemed to light up the room as she stood there smiling kindly at him. The way her eyes carried strength and yet at the same time vulnerability, which would grow to be used against her.
None of them had predicted the changes, which would soon occur within Rachel and the people that surrounded her. Changes that would alter the way in which her life was lived forever.
Seth's gaze stayed fixed on the now dark sky, yet he didn't really see it at all.
Rachel slowly climbed the stairs to her room after finding that the chilled night air was a little too much to handle. She didn't know how long she had sat outside watching the ocean in the distance and wishing more than ever that the night would end. That the morning would come and that everything would be alright.
As she moved down the hallway she heard Seth's door swing open and looked up to see him standing there, his shirt open revealing the dressed wound which he had received whilst trying to rescue her from Chino.
Rachel's eyes ticked to his for a moment before she diverted them and kept walking.
"Rach," Seth began not knowing where he had pulled the courage to speak up from.
Rachel stopped dead in her tracks when she heard the words that she had been dreading.
"Can we talk?"
TO BE CONTINUED………
(ARGH!!! Only 1 more chapter to go. Isn't that scary? It feels like only yesterday that I developed the concept behind the first Atwood Sister story.Sorry it took a bit to update, ihave been wanting to for ages but because of the site update i couldn't.I'm not going to give you a preview of what happens in the next chapter because I'm honestly not sure what to say without revealing any of the surprises ahead. PLEASE REVIEW, I really want to know your opinions. I need to know them. Also, SEQUEL???? Will post soon.)