Ch 9- The journal

Gordo sank to his knees by Lizzie's bed. He still couldn't believe that she was gone. After close to nineteen years of loving her, she was gone. He finally realized that he had to go through her things and figure out what to donate and what to keep. It had been two days since he had even entered this house and he was a little apprehensive about it. He looked at Miranda who was by the door and sighed. He had the ugly duty to inform her of what had happened and then had to hold her as she cried for a whole day. It was miracle that he even got her out here today. As it was she was leaning against the doorframe and trying not to cry. In Miranda's mind, this was Lizzie's sacred place. The place she could come every day and be herself. All Miranda could see was Lizzie laughing on her bed when she was on the phone, Lizzie crying on the bed after her and Gordo had a fight. She finally stepped hesitantly inside the room, afraid to disrupt anything. She didn't want to touch anything or step in the wrong place. Even if Lizzie was gone, this was still her place. Her place of escape and Miranda wanted to keep it that way.

"Andy, it's ok. You can touch things," Gordo said quietly reading her mind.

She smiled tightly at him and got down on her knees as well. "It's just so weird. I never thought I'd be doing this," she answered him.

"None of us did."

She just nodded and grew quiet.

"Hey, they saved the baby didn't they?" she asked, almost as an afterthought.

Gordo grew really quiet and looked as though he was going to cry.

"Oh my God I am so sorry Gordo," she said as she moved to his side.

"No! They did save it. It's just…I don't know if I can do this. I'm nineteen, I can't raise a child!"

"Gordo, if you could do it with Lizzie, then you can do it now."

"Miranda…"

"We'll all help you."

"I know. I'll have to think about it."

"Think about it?? This isn't like you not going to college! This is a baby, it's not like you can't just shove it back in if you don't want it," she exclaimed.

"I know that!" he yelled at her. "She's still in the hospital. I mean she was a month and a half premature. I don't even know if she'll make it," he then said quietly.

"What are you going to do if she does make it?"

"I don't know yet," he said.

"Does she have a name?" Miranda asked softly then.

"Brooke. Lizzie's middle name."

Miranda just looked at him then and hugged him for a long time while they both just cried.

Matt tapped on the glass at the hospital. That was his niece in there.

"Hold on honey, hold on," he whispered to her.

"Matt?" a girls voice that he didn't recognize came from behind. Matt turned around and saw a tall girl with dirty blonde hair.

"Yeah?"

"You probably don't remember me. I used to come over a lot in high school…like my sophomore year."

"Wait…it's Kate isn't it?" he asked hesitantly.

"Yeah."

Matt just nodded silently while looking at her. "Umm…what are you doing here?" he asked finally.

"The baby. I come up here at least once a day to see her."

"Really?" he asked surprised.

Kate just nodded. That baby was remnants of her friend. Lizzie needed help and nobody gave it to her; Kate would be damned if the same thing happened again.

"How's she doing?" she asked at last.

"Still no change. They think she might make it but it's still up in the air." Kate just stared at the little girl in the incubator hooked up to the wires and came up and put an arm around Matt.

"She'll be fine. If she's as strong as her mother was, then she'll make it. Lizzie was a fighter."

"Just not an informer apparently," Matt muttered.

"I think I found something," Miranda said a few hours later.

Gordo popped his head up. "What?"

Miranda in turn held up a pink spiral notebook with doodles all over it.

"So?"

"I think this is her journal. Listen, this is dated a week ago.

I rolled out of bed this morning
Heaving a great big sigh
Another day for me to sit
To watch TV
To read my books
To sit and wish I had a life
I secretly dream
Of going out with a bunch of popular people
Or having at least one popular friend
Somebody who could find time in their busy life
For little old me
For the last three weeks
I've sat around doing nothing
Sure I've been out with my boyfriend
But even I'm starting to think
That the feels it's his duty to entertain me
Oh how I wish, just for once
I could be the life of some party
That I actually had some friends
More than just three
People always tell me
In order to have friends
I need to be friendly
Well friendship is a two way street
And telling me I'm an abomination
Just doesn't work
So when they stop harassing me
Maybe I'll try
Until then
Here I sit, wishing my life away"

"Whoa. She wrote that?" Gordo asked.

Miranda just nodded silently. "I never knew she felt that way," she whispered.

"None of us did," he said again.

"It's like she was waiting to die. I mean, why didn't she say anything?"

Gordo just shrugged his shoulders. He was just trying to take it all in. He had the journal now and he turned to the next page.

"Sometimes I wish I could just get out. I feels so smothered! Gordo's great and all…it's just…sometimes I feel as though he wants me to be something different. So I try to change myself so he'll be happy and I'm unhappy. I'm already unhappy. He says he loves me like I am, but I really have my doubts. Who could really love me? Honestly? I love him, I really do, and I'm afraid he'll leave me, but I just can't change. No matter how much I try, I can't. I dunno…he's probably just better off without me."

"I can't do this," Gordo said as he stood up abruptly. Miranda looked at him, surprised.

"Gordo…"

"I'm sorry," he muttered as he made his way out of the house. Miranda just sat back on her butt and stared after him. She sighed, exasperated, as she started to pick up her things again. She was determined to do this, with out or with out Gordo.

"Mr. McGuire?" a man said. Matt turned around with Kate.

"Yes?"

"You daughter-"

"What? Oh no. I'm Lizzie's brother, that's my niece."

"Very well then. Brooke has made a turn."

"A turn? What does a turn mean?" Kate asked confused.

"It means that she can go home soon. Congratulations," he said before walking away.

Matt and Kate turned to each other, eyes wide. "She can go home? She can go home!!" Matt whooped in the hallway hugging Kate. "I need to tell Mom!"

"Should I tell Gordo?" Kate asked.

"Umm…would you mind I did?" he asked.

"No! Of course you can! I'll wait right here." With that Matt ran down the hall to the payphone to tell his parents the good news.

Miranda's cell phone rang in Lizzie's room as she was still going through things.

"Hey," she said as she picked up.

"Andy?" Gordo's voice came, thick with tears.

"Gordo! What happened?" she asked urgently.

"It's Brooke. She's coming home."

"That's great!!" she exclaimed, truly happy for her friend.

"I don't want her," he whispered.

"What?"

"I don't want her."

a/n: hey guys...do you want a sequel or no?? just a question