1Chapter 4- The Letter
Song- Duality
Artist- Slipknot
Sasuke sat on his bed, staring down at the plain white envelope in his hand. Just hours before, he had heard- no, he had found out that Naruto was dead. Naruto, who was a bright, loud, annoying, hyperactive light of hope and amusement to him, was dead. Suicide, they had said. Sasuke found it hard to believe that Naruto would give up his dreams that easily. Kakashi had given him the creamy envelope, since Iruka had been unable to do anything that had to do with the active blonde without bursting into tears.
And so, he made his way back to his house, walking as if in a dream. Oblivious to all around him, he had half stumbled, half staggered to his front door. He would realize later that it would be the first time he would walk through the house without once thinking about his family, but at the moment his thoughts were preoccupied with getting to the bedroom without collapsing. This is where he found himself, staring at the unopened letter in his hand with a mixture of loathing and curiosity. Sighing, he took out a kunai and ripped the letter open, his curiosity winning the battle of wills. Looking at the paper in his hands, covered in the familiar, messy scrawl, he almost lost it. Sasuke took a few deep breaths, then began to read. The first thing he saw made him chuckle.
'Dear Sasuke(scratched out) To Sasuke(scratched out) Sasuke-bastard;
Yeah, I'm gone. But enjoy being worshiped while it lasts, cause when I'm back I'm gonna be the best in town!
I'm giving you this letter, cause you're the closest thing I have to a best friend(scratched out) you're a good friend(scratched out) you understand me(scratched out) I felt like giving it to you and not some other person.' Sasuke chuckled. "He can't even make up his mind," he said aloud, before continuing the dreaded letter. 'I have to tell someone my problems, while I'm still ready to talk. And I can't have this on my chest if I'm gonna travel.
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works its way inside
If the pain goes on...
'I've tried so hard to get everyone's attention. So hard. That's why I prank everyone. I can never be loved (I mean, I do have the Kyuubi in me. What normal person would love me?)' At this the hurt in the Uchiha heir's chest returned. 'so the biggest thing I can hope for is for someone to notice me, say something, do anything to acknowledge that I do live, and I'm not just some spirit that no one can see. But they just hurt me so much. And the worst part is, I love it and hate it at the same time, because that means that they see me, and I'm here. All my life, when I've wanted something, someone else gets it. When I complain about something it gets worse. And I feel, all the time, that the only emotion anyone will feel for me is hate, or indifference, or that awful attitude that I'm not even worthy for them to spit on.
'But no matter how hard it gets, I never feel like my life's over, or that I'm dying. Even if they beat me, I never feel like I'll die. The more hate they throw at me, the more full of life I am! It's like they're feeding the Kyuubi, making it stronger with their scorn and contempt. And even if they tried to kill me, I don't think they could. If it took the life of the Hokage to just seal( not kill) the demon, how can they possibly kill me, when I have the Kyuubi's power in me?
I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now all I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind a little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
'But sometimes it scares me(scratched out) it's creepy(scratched out) I'm afraid. I can't help but think, "Will it break out? Is their hate feeding it? What will happen if it's released? Will they blame me? Will I die? Will my friends die?" And I couldn't let that risk of it escaping become reality. So I left. If you're reading this letter, I'm gone. I honestly don't know where to go. If I don't have a true home in the village I was born in, how could I possibly find a place to accept me for me?
'I thought of going to Mist, or Sand, or Fire, but they're all places with my past. Damn, I am so flippin' sick of my past! No matter how I look at it, my past is everywhere I turn. I need to escape it. You know how Neji needed help to escape "destiny"? It's kinda like that, only worse. I know what happened. I know what Kyuubi did. And I can't change it, ever. So I've left with one choice- go to a place I've never been before. And by this time, if you've found out where I am, I'm sure you guys will be shocked!' At this Sasuke stopped read and angrily wiped away hot tears. That stupid dobe! He was planning on killing himself. And he didn't even see it coming...but there was still about a page and a half of writing, and he had to finish reading it, no matter what. 'I know you, dickhead. Right about now you're thinking, "Okay, why the hell is that stupid dobe telling me all this?" But just keep reading, and then when you're done you can burn the letter, tear it to shreds, keep it- whatever you want to do with it. Just please read it. I just need someone to hear how I feel.
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me cause you left me no choice
'I train to keep my mind off the fact that no one cares. I prank when training becomes routine, because when I have a routine I remember. They despise and detest me because I prank, and sometimes I wish I could just die so I can forget why they detest me. It's like one big circle. I can never get away from it. I know some people care about me- that's why I push myself to the limits. But when those people stop caring, that's when I'll go over the edge. If it wasn't for Iruka-sensei, I would've gone over the edge long ago. You save my life loads of times as well. But you don't care about me, so it doesn't matter. At least, it doesn't look like you care.
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it
'I honestly don't know what to think about the people of Konoha. Some want to kill me, because they blame what happened with the Kyuubi on me. And others are nice, and help me now-and-then. I wish they would just all be the same, so I could either love them or hate them. It's so frustrating! When I was younger I used to sit in the branches of the huge tree and think about what life would be like with parents. One day I fell out of the tree and scraped my knee. Like most little kids would've done, I began to cry. An old lady came over, helped me up, and cleaned out my cut. She began to talk to me for awhile, and she was really nice. She let me walk around with her for awhile, and she even got me some candy. I told her that my parents weren't gone- they were high-ranking ninjas on dangerous quests. I knew that my parents were gone, but I liked my own concoction of the ninja story. She realized who I was, slapped me, and then scolded me, telling me that I had no parents because no one loved me, and that I better get used to reality. And I realized then and there, that nothing is what it seemed. My parents really were gone, and not on a mission. And that the old lady? She was only nice to children who weren't possessed by demon spirits. That's the reality.
Pull me back together
Or separate the skin from bones
Leave me all the pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way
Nothing is what it seems
'So my life has been crap when it comes to away from the ninja academy, and that's why I train so hard. I have to. I have to prove myself. And I'm leaving because I need to learn new jutsus, new skills, new everything! And other than having to learn new things, I have to leave this hate. All this cruelty and anger towards me makes Kyuubi restless. It wants to be out. And sometimes, when things get really bad, it tries to claw its way out. And it hurts so much, Sasuke. One time I passed out, it was so bad. And when I'm with friends, when I'm happy, or cheerful, or excited, the Kyuubi settles down and is quiet, at least for the time being. So it's worth it to me- even though everyone thinks I'm annoying and can't stop moving, for a few moments everyday the Kyuubi is silent. Everyone's dislike of me is worth the times when I don't have to feel the pain.
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus it never ends, it works its way inside
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
'So, Sasuke, I gotta say something before I stop writing. You were the closest thing I've had to a best friend, and (other than Iruka) you're the one I'll miss the most. You won't be able to find a better fighting partner! And you better not get married or anything until I get back- I wanna at least be the best man or something!' Sasuke chuckled again, before reading the last sentence, and his heart stopped again.
'But Sasuke, I don't want to go back to Konoha if it's not by my own free will. I would rather kill myself than have the ANBU take me back.'
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus it never ends, it works its way inside
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it