Disclaimer: I own nothing…except Draco Malfoy's arse…no wait..I couldn't find it on Ebay…my mistake.
A/N I'm bored, and in a funny mood, so I thought I would attempt to be funny on paper. It's a take on the Severitus challenge which I absolutely adore. I've read millions of them, and I've loved everyone, so this isn't meant to be offensive to anyone else who's tried the challenge. Enjoy!
OoooooooooooooooooooO
A BAD CASE OF SEVERITUS
Harry potter was not an ordinary boy…no, he was in fact the legendary, golden Gryffindor, hero of the wizarding world, Boy who Lived. He was the son of the famous arours Lily and James potter…or was he.
It was the morning of Harry's 16th Birthday. He woke up feeling groggy, and rolled over in time to see several owls fly towards the window, because as usual Harry's friends had timed it perfectly so that the owls from all over Britain would find themselves at 4 Privit Drive at exactly the same time. As one they flew at the window, all trying to get through at the same time…only half succeeded. Harry winced, that would be messy, aunt petunia defiantly would not appreciate squashed owl down her perfect house.
Opening the array of parcels and letters, Harry found himself with an assortment of gifts from his friends Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Hagrid, Remus Lupin, Neville Longbottem, Luna Lovegod, and the rest of the Weasleys, also he had his annual school letter (which of course had also been sent in perfect sync with the other owls) stating that he had done well in most of his OWLs. History of magic, and astronomy were not great but that was to be expected after the disaster last year. He had also surprisingly managed to get an O in potions…why? Because it's important to the plot, deal with it.
After feeding Hedwig owl treats, amusing himself with his presents, whooping in joy over his OWL scores, and humming a jaunty tune…he noticed a mysterious envelope at the end of the bed. Wondering who it could possibly be from he carefully picked it up, inspected it, turned it over, shook it, smelled it and licked i…okay, so he opened it.
My dearest Harry,
I am writing this to you now in the hope that you will receive this on your 16th birthday, through way of a magical-future-travelling-time-letter-sending-majiggy, as it seems likely that we will not be around to talk to you personally…in fact the clock on the wall informs me that we are currently 'heading towards a messy ending'.
You are at present one year old, you are at this time across the room happily gurgling, and bouncing on James' lap…Ow, that had to have hurt! You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen...not including at 3 in the morning when you want changing… and we love you, we both do. The reason I'm writing to you though is this…I'm sorry to inform you that James Potter is not your father, as you have been lead to believe. No It's all a lie, I cast a glamour to make it seem that way, because I was ashamed.
I'm ashamed to tell you I cheated on James….your real father is Severus Snape!
Yes, Harry, I Lily Evans Potter, had a raving, hardcore affair with Severus. I bonked Severus. I touched Severus. We held hands, went on picnics, and had wild kinky monkey sex!
James of course found out, how could he not when he saw the bite marks! He says he loves you anyway, and always will, Severus however does not know, I was going to tell him, but he couldn't come round…something about a secret society meeting? Oh well, I'll leave that job to you, I'm sure he'll be delighted to know that you're his son.
I write to you now because the glamour can last no longer, it will shortly wear away, and your true identity will be revealed. Good luck with that, I would talk some more but 'Corries' on in a moment…delightful muggle show.
All my Love your mother
Lily Potter
Harry stared at the pages for a few minutes, and re-read the words over, to make sure he wasn't delusional. After it sunk in, the young boy stood up from his bed, swaying and feeling queasy, then he fainted….in a dramatic way.
OooooooooooooooooO
TBC
A/N I hoped people like that, next chapter will be longer and more interesting hopefully, Please review and let me know what you think! This is my first HP fic, so I'm really desperate for feedback, once I've finished this I'll start something more serious, the reason I read and write fic is to make friends, so please check out my LiveJ and let me know (at the moment it's just ramble about RL, but if I know there HP fans looking I'll start reviewing and recommending fics there, and talking about HP in general)
Thanks for reading, Lauren xxx