Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkein does. I also don't own Harry Potter, The Smashing Pumpkins, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers Bars, Ricola, Benadryl, or anything in this story, except i do own Hobbity Wings!

Author's note: Please, nobody take offense if I make fun of your favourite character. I am making everyone in this story look rather stupid, not because I don't like the character, but because it makes the story funny. And in reviews, if you don't like my story, please say it nicely without any swear words. Everyone is intitled to their opinion, most definitely, but I'm only fourteen and I really don't like reading swears. Thank you! Enjoy the story!

Chapter One- The Fell Beast Express

One day the Fellowship was going over Caradhras when suddenly someone had an idea.

"Hey, let's go on the Fell Beast Express trolly line! It'll be a lot faster than this freezing tread!"

"Actually, Boromir, it is much nicer to run on top of the snow. You have to try it! Much more fun than sinking in waist-deep!" Legolas said joyfully.

"In case you were wondering, I am not an elf! I am a man, therefor I experience cold temperatures!" Boromir retorted.

"Let the Ring-Bearer decide, of course!" Gandalf said. Everyone heartily agreed.

"We shall take the Fell Beast Express!" Frodo said.

"Alright, then," Merry said, pulling out his cell-phone. "I suppose it was a good idea to bring this, after all!"

He dialed the number zero for operator, and when in rang Merry said, "Excuse me, sir, but can I have the dialing number to reach the Fell Beast Express?"

The voice over the cellular telephone answered in a low voice, "Ash Nazg Durbatuluk Ash Nazg Gimbatul Ash Nazg Thrakatuluk Agh Burzum Ishi Krimpatul!"

Merry stood, dumbfounded for a second. Then he handed the phone to Frodo. "You try, this guy isn't making any sense!"

Frodo said into the cell phone, "Hello, this is Frodo Baggins, the Ring-Bearer, and I would like to get the phone number to contact the Fell Beast Express."

The same low voice said, "Baggins...BAGGINS! There is no life in the void, only death!"

Frodo screamed and hung up the phone. "It's...it's Sauron!"

"Oh, no! Well, now it's time to try Legolas' desktop!" Aragorn said.

"I don't have a desktop computer, you nimrod!" Legolas yelled at Aragorn.

"Geek!" Aragorn retorted.

"Moron!"

"Imbecile!"

"Idiot!"

"Dork!"

Pippin quickly broke up the fight by screaming at the top of his volume, "SING HEY FOR THE BATH AT END OF THE DAY THAT WASHES WEARY MUD AWAY A LOON IS HE THAT WILL NOT SING, OH, WATER HOT IS A NOBLE THING!"

"We have to try my laptop!" Legolas declared.

"Alright, get it out of your backpack!" Frodo said.

Legolas took off his backpack, and then opened it. First he pulled out one snow globe of Caradhras. Then he pulled out a lava globe of Orodruin. Then he pulled out a ship in a soda bottle filled with blue water. Then he pulled out another ship in a soda bottle filled with blue water. And another...and another...and another...and another...and another, and finally he pulled out his laptop computer.

"What are we going to look up, and how?" Legolas asked.

"Click on the link to the internet." Frodo instructed. Legolas accidentally clicked on the DVD playing software. "No, not that, the next one over!"

Instead of clicking the icon to the right, as Frodo was trying to say, Legolas clicked the next icon over to the left, which was music. Suddenly a song by the Smashing Pumpkins came on, and Frodo and Legolas yelled in unison, "I LOVE THIS SONG!" Frodo said that because it was his favourite band, and Legolas because he wanted to dance to show off the new dance style called "disco" he learned in Rivendell.

Then Pippin joined in singing, because he thought that it was his time to sing to Denethor, and he started, "Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread-"

"No, Pippin, you don't sing The End of All Things yet!" Frodo commanded.

"It's not The End of All Things, Frodo, it's The Edge of Night!" Pippin replied. "Through shadow, to the edge of night!"

"Pippin!" Frodo screamed. "This song is called Drown, okay? You are singing the wrong words!"

"Oh, fine!" Pippin said, and started to sulk. "You moron of a cousin!"

"Don't insult Mr. Frodo!" Sam shouted. "This is his favourite song!"

"The Edge of Night is my favourite song!" Pippin shot back.

It was Merry who ended the confusion and hopeless arguing by clicking on the icon to the right of the DVD player icon, and the internet opened up. The song stopped playing, and Legolas stopped dancing, and Frodo stopped singing, and Pippin stopped sulking. Then he asked Frodo, "What's the URL adress?"

"I don't know, ask Boromir!" Frodo said.

"Hey, Boromir!" Merry called. "What's the URL adress for the Fell Beast Express?"

"I don't know!" Boromir said. "I only know that it has a stop in Osgiliath, another in Minas Morgul, one at Barad Dur, and another in the middle of the Dead Marshes!"

"Well, that's no good." Merry complained.

"Why don't you do a Google search for it?" Frodo asked.

"Oh, good idea!" Merry said, and started to type something. "Cooooool..."

"What?" Frodo asked.

"There's 18,100 results for Meriadoc Brandybuck on !" Merry said happily. "I have to see all these websites about me!"

"They're probably about someone else!" Boromir said, and shoved Merry aside. He typed in Boromir, son of Denethor and clicked the search button. While the page was loading he said proudly, "You will see that I will have many more results than you, master Meriadoc son of Saradoc!"

But when the page finished loading his jaw dropped. "What? Only 17,200 results for Boromir, son of Denethor?"

Merry laughed. "See, Boromir? Hobbits are a lot more popular!"

Boromir scowled. Pippin started jumping up and down. "I want to see if there are any websites about me! I want to see if there are any websites about me, Merry!"

Merry leaned over to Frodo and whispered, "I don't want to disappoint him, you know, because he's so excited, but I'm sure there won't be a single web result for him." He straightened up and walked back over to the computer. "Okay, Pippin." he said, and typed in Pippin Took. "WHAT?" Merry yelled. "96,500 results? That's more than I got!"

"I want to see how many web results I have!" Legolas yelled, and typed in legoliss greanleef.

"No, no, Legolas, that's not how you spell it!" Gandalf commanded, and typed in, Legolas Greenleaf. "Legolas, you have 50,300 web sites about you!"

"No fair!" Legolas wailed. "I'm handsomer than Pippin and he has three times more websites than I do!"

"Legolas, learn to do math! He only has a bit less that twice as much as you do." Boromir said, still sore about getting only 17,200 web sites.

"How many websites do I have?" Aragorn asked. "Since I'm the handsomest out of all of us!"

"Not true! I have more fans than you do!" Legolas screeched.

"Hey, I have 133,000 web sites about me!" Frodo said, who had taken over the computer while Legolas and Aragorn were fighting. "Except...what's all this Ellihja Wood stuff? Who is he?"

"No idea." Merry said, looking at the computer screen. "Elijah Wood acts as Frodo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings movies...hey, do the rings have anything to do with the magic rings for the elven kings, dwarf lords, mortal men, and the Dark Lord?"

Then Aragorn grabbed the computer and looked himself up. "WHAT? I only have 17,000 results! That's two hundred less than Boromir! And I'm King!"

"Ha ha, so now we know who's more powerful!" Boromir said.

Aragorn frowned and vowed never to speak to Boromir again. Meanwhile, Gimli looked himself up on the computer. "Hey! I have..." but then he passed out in shock. Everyone crowded around the computer screen and saw that Gimli son of Gloin had only 8,060 websites. Sam humbly looked himself up and didn't make a big deal about getting 46,400 websites.

"Since I'm a wizard, I think I should have the most websites." Gandalf said. He looked up Gandalf Stormcrow and gasped. "No! I only have 688 websites! That's the least of all of them!" He looked very sad, so everyone else in the Fellowship that was concious tried to comfort him. Suddenly Pippin got a very good idea.

"Hey, everyone! I just remembered! I brought along some Hobbity Wings™!" Pippin yelled, and pulled out nine pairs of feathery wings from his backpack. "I think Leonardo DaVinci created these..." Suddenly Pippin jumped on his pair and started to fly away.

"Hey! My Hobbity Wings™ are flying away!" Legolas yelled, running after them. He was just at the edge of the mountain when he jumped and caught hold of them. Everyone else got on theirs and started to fly away. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Balrog appeared and grabbed Gandalf.

"Ai! Ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!" Legolas shrieked.

"Nooooooooooo!" Frodo screamed. "GGGAAANNNDDDAAALLLFFF!!!!!"

Gandalf held ono the Hobbity Wings™ with one hand. Then he said, "Bother you fools!", and fell.

"Nooooooooooo!" Frodo screamed. "Nooooooooooooooo! Noooooooooooooo!"

Then they landed in Lothlorien. "Welcome to Lothlorien, I am Haldir, and I do not die in The Two Towers, so I will hear none of that!" said an elf.

"Noooooooooo!" Frodo kept screaming. "Nooooooooo! Nooooooooooo!"

"Excuse me?" Haldir asked, imitating The Warden from the book Holes.

"Nooooooooo!" Frodo screamed.

"And, I am a very good friend of Glorfindel's, so I will hear none of the ridiculous talk that he doesn't exist, because he is very real!" Haldir said.

"Nooooooooooo!" Frodo screamed. "N-" he started, but choked, and said to Galadriel in a raspy voice, "Can I have a cough drop? All that screaming gave me a sore throat!"

"Why, yes, my dear." Galadriel said. "Would you rather a Benadryl pill, or a Ricola?"

"I was hoping for some lembas bread, actually." Frodo coughed, looking up hopefully.

"Why yes, I am sure we have enough to spare. I shall to tell Celeborn to make some. He's been cooking every meal lately, ever since he fired the last cook." Galadriel said gleefully.

"Why is that?" Frodo gasped.

"Because the last cook was throwing away all the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, of course!" Galadriel said, and started to walk away. Then she turned around and said telepathically, If you like you can look at the scrapbook of all Lothlorien's visitors.

"Why, thank you, my lady." Frodo said, and sat down at a purple sparkly table and opened up a book with loads of photographs of different elves. Then he saw a picture of Goldberry, Tom Bombadil's wife.

"Is it? But...it cannot be! It is! It's a picture of Goldberry! I must keep this picture, I must keep it, I must put it on a t-shirt, or on the desktop background of the computer at Bag End which is currently being taken over by Lobelia Sackville Baggins, or maybe if I show it to Sauron he will see her beauty and ignore me while I destroy the Ring, or maybe if she knows I have this picture she's divorce Tom Bombadil and marry me instead, or-" Frodo broke off, coughing. Galadriel ran over with the lembas bread. "Here you go, sir."

Frodo ate a piece and said, "Yum, I believe my sore throat is gone!" He jumped in the air for joy. "YIPEE! YIP-" and then he started coughing manically. He quickly ate another bite of lembas bread and then his cough went away. "YAY! YAY!" Frodo yelled, and then he suddenly got a runny nose. Galadriel handed him a tissue and Frodo said, "When will this flu go away?" He ate another piece of lembas bread, and then his nose stopped running but he yelled, "Owww! I think I have a migrane headache!" He ate another piece. "Now it's an ear ache..." Frodo ate another bite. "Ahh! Appendicitis! I mean, artheritis! I mean, gingivitis! My gums are sore! I have a toothache!" Another bite. "Now my arm is dislocated!" Another bite. "Now I have a sprained ankle!" Another bite. "My wrist is twisted!" Another bite. "A pulled muscle!" Another bite. "A heart attack!" Another bite. "Frostbite!" Another bite. "Malaria!" Another bite. "Scarlet fever!" Another bite. "Yellow fever!" Another bite. "Jaundice! No, wait, that's the same thing as yellow fever, isn't it? I mean, Ebola! No, wait, that's not it, I mean, dragon pox!"

"Sir? Why not try a Snickers bar? I believe you are really suffering from hunger. Multiple disease syndrome is another terrible side affect of it. I heard on the radio that anyone who is hungry should eat a snickers bar." Galadriel suggested, and pulled one out of her pocket. "It's a couple thousand years old, but you'll survive. Chocolate lasts forever. So do peanuts and caramel."

Frodo ate the Snickers bar and said, "Wow! Lady of Light, this was a cure that hit me at the speed of parsecs!"

"There's no such thing," Gandalf reminded him. "Parsecs are a measurement of distance, not time."

"Ah, well, it hit me at warp speed. I guess I was hungry!" Frodo said. "And now I'm tired. Is there a room where I can sleep?"

"Why, yes, I believe so." Galadriel said. "It's the highest treehouse. We use it for our most important guests."

"Did you hear that?" Frodo said, turning around and sticking out his tongue. "I'm and important guest. Nah nah!"

"But first, Ring-Bearer, you must return the picture of Goldberry to the photo album!" Galadriel announced.