CLAIMER: I own everything in the world. Nintendo is just a
lame rip-off of me. I am supreme! Worship me!
Really.
Please believe me?
Chapter 2
It was late in the afternoon. The temperature was lower now
(but was still hot enough to boil water).
Kirby and Yoshi were staring at each other.
"Hi?" said Kirby.
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi.
"Are you Yoshi?" said Kirby.
"Yoshi yoshi!" nodded Yoshi.
Kirby wondered what dinosaurs taste like.
Kirby eats Yoshi, and becomes Yoshi Kirby!
--end flashback--
Kirby wondered if Yoshi still tasted that bad. A glazed look came over his eyes. "Mmm…" he mumbled, stepping closer and closer to Yoshi…
Yoshi suddenly realised he was in mortal danger. He looked wildly around the hallway, searching for some weapon. Nothing!
Kirby waddled closer and closer. "Aaah…"
"Yoshi yoshi!" screamed Yoshi, pointing to the kitchen.
"What?" said Kirby.
Yoshi pantomimed eating food.
"Oh! Poyo!" said Kirby, and waddled off to the kitchen.
Yoshi went out to the back garden. Maybe he would (shock horror) dig a hole outside! Or even (shock horror) dance a bit!
Meanwhile… on a roof top… somewhere… far far away…
"So Mario, you have come to face me," snarled Bowser. "Don't
you realise that I'm bigger, more powerful, more ugly, better looking, more
Koopa-ish, more shell-ish, more strong, more dragon-like, more intelligent,
more wise, and more evil than you?"
"Um-a, I realise that-a, Bowser, but-a I always defeat you
anyway."
"True. Well, this time, it will be different!"
"Why?" asked Mario.
"Because I'm not going to waste my energy on a long winding
pre-kill speech. I'm going to destroy you without any farewell. That way I
don't tire. That way, you will certainly be dead!"
"Doesn't-a that count as a farewell speech?"
Bowser jumped onto Mario.
"Oof-a," said Mario.
"Now what are you going to do, Mario? There's no escape."
Luigi appeared behind Bowser. "Not so fast, King Koopa! We're
here to stop you!"
"What are you going to do, Lario?"
"My name is-a Luigi!"
"Thanks," snarled Bowser. "I really, really care."
"Well, first I'm going-a to throw fireballs at you, then I
sissy punch-a you for three minutes, then I pick-a you up, and throw you off
the roof."
Bowser grabbed Luigi and forced him under, too.
Mario looked at Luigi. "Nice going, Luigi. Now we're both-a
stuck. Any ideas?"
Luigi always kept his promises. So he began to throw
fireballs at Bowser's belly.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
said Bowser.
Bowser hopped off.
Mario leaped through the air, fists first. "Goodbye!" he
yelled.
Bowser stepped to the side.
Meanwhile… in the garden
Mario landed on Yoshi, who was smelling his own eggs. (How
can a male Yoshi make eggs? It doesn't make any sense. Unlike this story. This
story makes a lot of sense.)
"Thanks for saving me, Yoshi," said Mario to his favourite
dinosaur friend (and coincidentally, his only one).
Yoshi went off to the turnip patch where some of the children
were working. Maybe he could turn them into eggs.
Luigi, angered by his brother's fall, ran up to Bowser and
began to sissy punch him.
"Aarrggh!" said Bowser, who didn't really find this painful,
but thought it was as annoying as… Jigglypuff (what could possibly be worse?).
Luigi continued to sissy punch Bowser. For three minutes. By
the time he was finished, Bowser was halfway through a book called "Ignoring
Dumb Sidekicks for Dummies".
Luigi gasped. "I'm not a dumb-a sidekick!"
"Oh? And what are you going to do about it, Lario? Throw me
off the roof?"
Ness and Yoshi walked into the turnip patch together. Nana
turned and saw Ness, and growled.
"What?" said Ness.
She pounced. Turnips, dust, caps, polar bears, fluff and
Popo went flying as they struggled on the ground.
"CHEAT!" she screamed. "I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU! I'LL CUT
OFF YOUR CHEST THEN I'LL BOIL YOU ALIVE AND THEN I'LL MASH YOU INTO TINY LITTLE
PIECES!"
"Um, I think… I hear… Ganondorf… asking for me…" Young Link
said, turning to leave.
"Nana, calm down!" yelled Popo!
"Yoshi?" said Yoshi, sticking his head in front of Nana.
The fighting stopped.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
screamed the children, running around the turnip patch.
"Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
said Yoshi, chasing them.
Ness turned around and attempted PK Flash on Yoshi. Yoshi
didn't notice.
Ness, Nana, and Popo screamed and ran into each other. They
collapsed on the ground.
Yoshi wondered if they wanted him to turn them into eggs.
The children screamed.
Yoshi prepared to eat them…
Bowser landed on top of Yoshi.
"Damn you… Lario…" he mumbled, before fainting.
"Okay," said Zelda. "Lots of salt, because everyone wants
salt. Same thing with sugar, pepper and flour."
"Right," said Peach, moving to the other end of the kitchen.
"All the salt, sugar, pepper, and a flower."
"Not 'a flower', Peach, flour!"
"That's what I said," said Peach, grabbing some daisies from
a vase. "A bunch of flowers."
Zelda crossed the kitchen, and kicked Peach in the stomach.
She picked up a bag of flour. "This sort of flower! Honestly, do you have any
idea about cooking?"
Peach clutched her stomach, and put the flowers back in the
vase.
"Right," said Zelda. "Are you listening"?
"Yes," said Peach, thinking about golf.
"Okay. Pizza and pasta, for those two guys. You know, the
ones who keep on saving you. Donkey Kong says that bananas would be nice, so
get a couple dozen bunches of those."
Peach miraculously brought the correct ingredients.
"Thanks. Anything you want for Kirby, and get ice cream for
the Eskimo kids. Now, I think Fox eats rabbits, but I'm not sure."
"Foxes don't eat rabbits. They eat golf balls," said Peach,
still thinking about golf.
"Okay, then, golf balls for McCloud, Samus – what the hell
does she eat? Probably astronaut food. Or maybe carcasses? Get both just to be
safe."
"Right," said Peach cheerily.
"I'm not sure if the Pokemon eat. What would they eat,
Peach?"
"Um… putters?"
"Okay, get those. Add some vegetables, because they're
healthy. Ness will probably want fish, because I read somewhere that they make
you smart."
Peach, struggling under the weight of 10kg of food, dropped
them in front of Zelda.
"Brilliant," said Zelda, pushing all the ingredients into a
large pot, and stirring slowly. "I think we should add sashes for Marth and
Roy."
"Sashes?"
"You know, raw fish."
"Sashes are made of raw fish?"
"Yes."
Peach discretely removed some of the jewellery she had been
wearing. Wrinkling her nose, she threw it into the pot.
Kirby snuck into the kitchen.
He looked around. This was the kitchen! And this was a
mansion which many, many, many, many people lived in! So somewhere around here
was a magical treasure chest.
Aha! Kirby walked over to the refrigerator. But he couldn't
reach the handle! There was only one sensible course of action to take…
Kirby ate the door. "Ooh," he said. It could certainly use
some sugar…
Sugar…
Beans…
Vegetables…
Ice cream…
Lollies…
What? No Waddle Dees?
Pancakes…
Enough food to last him an hour…
"Zelda, Kirby's drooling in front of the fridge."
"That's nice. Now Bowser will probably want the Mario
Brothers, so if you see them, put them in the pot."
Kirby decided that it would be a good idea to eat this
slowly.
But that wouldn't be any fun, would it?
"Eat me," said the carrot. Kirby ate it.
"Put me into your mouth," the ice cream called. Kirby
ate it.
"I'm good for you," said the tub of 100 fat. Kirby
ate it.
"Don't let me go to waste," said the dead cow. Kirby
inhaled.
"I'm delicious," said the 1-mile sub. Kirby gobbled
it.
"Ha! I thought you would fall for this trap. Now I'll get
rid of you for once and for all!" said the blue penguin in royal clothes.
Kirby ate it.
"Eat me for salvation!" said the land of milk and
honey. Kirby complied.
Donkey Kong and Bowser had both decided they needed to teach
the Mario Brothers a lesson. They were arguing over who got Mario.
"I'm Mario's nemesis!" cried Bowser.
"Well, my family was against Mario long before you were!"
said Donkey Kong.
"Let's settle this the old fashioned way," snarled Bowser.
"You're on," growled DK.
Later…
"Got any aces?" said Bowser.
"Go fish," said DK.
"Hey, you're cheating!" said Bowser. "You've got the ace of
spades and the ace of hearts!"
"Fine, fine – wait, how did you know?" said Donkey Kong. He
turned around and saw the giant mass of mirrors, taking up half the room, which
Bowser had just installed.
Mario and Luigi walked in. "Hello!" said Mario. "You two
shouldn't-a be-a fighting. It's-a rude."
Mario and Luigi walked out.
"What do those two know?" said DK.
"They've got to be kidding. Let's settle this the old
fashioned way. A one-on-one brawl. Whoever wins gets Mario."
"Yeah, what does Mario know?"
"Wait…" said Bowser.
"What?"
"Mario just walked past us."
"I know," said DK. "Whoever finds Mario first gets to beat him
up."
The two giants left the room with astonishing speed.
"I hear bread is good for you," said Peach.
"Well, grab some bread, and put it into the pot. And while
you're there, get ink."
"Ink?"
"I think that's what Mr Game & Watch eats."
"Okay," said the dumb blonde princess.
"Good," said the smart blonde princess.
Kirby was now putting some thought into what he ate. Bread?
Stale. Oh well. Paper? Isn't that an Egyptian delicacy? Could use some salt.
The bull-sized steak was a bit small, but tasted lovely with that maple syrup.
Chicken? Mmm.
Sugar? Sweet.
Lollipops? Small.
Cabbage? Green.
Ooh, thought Kirby, as two plumbers ran past him,
followed by an ape.
Ooh… giant Bowser-shaped lolly…
Ow! thought Kirby. Spiky!
Kirby spat Bowser out through a window.
Did I mention that the kitchen is several storeys up? Well,
it is.
Bowser fell out of the window with a thud.
Mario and Luigi ran in front of the window and jeered at DK,
who ran at them full blast. The Mario brothers performed physics-defying air
dodges to reveal – THE WINDOW!
Donkey Kong yelled as he fell out too.
Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Jigglypuff leaped out of
the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window.
"Ooh, Zelda! I found a giant pink marshmallow!" said Peach,
grabbing Kirby.
"Well then, Peach, put it in the pot!" said Zelda, stirring
the mixture which had become an odd shade of yellow-green.
"Aaah!" screamed the ice climbers called the Ice Climbers, ice
climbing the ice climbable giant glacier at top ice climbing speed.
"Yoshi!" said Yoshi, trying to turn them into eggs.
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff, falling past them and landing
face forward on Bowser's spiked shell.
Kirby saw the pot looming ahead of him. He smelt it. Oh no!
The pot contained death itself! Must… use… Warp Star… or… eat… princess…
Not that Kirby would eat Princess Toadstool. Princesses
tasted bad.
On the other hand… she was named Peach… maybe she tasted
like peach.
"Peach? Where did you go?"
No, she tasted terrible. Kirby spat her out.
Peach landed in a pile of cardboard boxes.
"Oh, there you are," said Zelda. "Good point. Grab a couple
of those boxes and put them in. Do you think Bowser will eat knives?"
Fox was walking down the hall when he heard Samus' voice.
"Hey, Fox!"
"What?" he said, turning around.
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"The whole fire coming out of your butt thing."
"I put a jet engine in my pants whenever I fight."
Samus and Fox laughed.
"Seriously," said Fox.
Samus and Fox laughed.
"No, really."
"Isn't that cheating?" said Samus.
"Yes. So now that I've told you, I'll have to kill you."
They laughed.
Fox pulled out a giant jet engine twice his size which he
had kept hidden in his pants. "You see, Aran, this doubles as a flamethrower.
You're going down big time."
They laughed.
Fox aimed and fired.
The fire immediately went flying into Samus. Fortunately for
her, she was wearing her helmet. "This suit can take temperatures of up to 9000
degrees," she said.
The suit began to heat up.
Samus screamed. Fox laughed, megalomaniacal-style (no, I
don't know what that means either), and walked slowly towards Samus.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" screamed Ness, running from Yoshi. Yoshi chased him up the staircase and down the hall.
A giant wall of fire lay ahead. Ness ran, and used PSI force
to create an energy magnet as he ran straight through the flames. Yoshi ran
straight into the flames, and only after several seconds did he notice the
heat. He ran around in circles.
Suddenly, the flamethrower stopped. "Ha!" said Samus. "You
can't kill me if your high-tech flamethrower is out of fuel."
Fox looked at the gauges. "Wait – it's not out of fuel!" He
turned it around to reveal Yoshi's body sticking out of the nozzle of the
flamethrower.
"Fox," said Samus. "Is that still on?"
"Yes,"
"What happens when it overheats?"
"You don't want to know."
"You sure?"
"Yes," said Fox.
They ran.
"It's going to take ages to heat this up," moaned Zelda. "We
won't make it in time for dinner."
"Don't worry," said Peach. "I'll ask Toad to conjure a giant
fire."
"Peach, you need 25 warlocks to conjure a fire big enough to
cook this lovely broth. It won't happen."
An explosion from the floor below instantly heated up the
pot full of stuff.
"Ooh," said Peach. "Mario and Luigi must have heard our
cries for help."
Yoshi climbed out of the pot and ran off.
Zelda pointed to the contents of the pot. "It's turned
blue!"
"How interesting," said Peach sincerely.
Kirby, rather full now, walked out of the room in a daze. He
collapsed and dreamed of mallet-wielding blue penguins kicking giant
blackberries.
Later… at dinner… somewhere mysterious-ish…
Everyone sat down at the large banquet table.
Zelda was standing up. "23, 24, 25!" she counted. "That's
everyone except Master Hand. But he can't eat."
"Yes he can," said Link.
Zelda looked angry. "What would you know? You never pay
attention to anything. You never did, even when you were just a kid."
"Hey!" said Young Link.
"Um, no offence meant to you."
Kirby fainted on his plate, and rolled off the table.
"Attention everyone!" yelled Zelda. "Today was such a hot
day that Peach and I decided to cook for everyone tonight! I'm sure you'll all
find something you enjoy in this meal!"
"Soup?" said Captain Falcon questioningly. "Is that all?
Muscle men like me need lots of meat and… um… stuff!"
"Captain Falcon," said Samus, "men like you need to learn
how to count."
"I can count!" said Captain Falcon.
"What number comes after 1?" asked Samus.
Captain Falcon shut up.
"Drink up!" said Peach in a voice which was so cheery that
if you heard it you would probably would have gone insane and threw stuff at
her to kill her so that she would shut up. Luckily for Peach, everyone
ignored her.
Everyone tried Peach and Zelda's special meal.
Five seconds later… in the bathroom…
"Move it, loser," snapped Samus. "You're not the only person
who needs to puke."
"Hey!" said Bowser. "I just happen to have quite a stomach!"
Peach and Zelda were sitting, staring blankly at the empty
seats.
"Peach?" said Zelda.
"Yes?"
"I don't think anybody appreciates good healthy food any
more."
"Jigglypuff likes good food," thought Jigglypuff, starting
to dance in the pot full of weird stuff.
"Maybe," said Peach, "it could have used a teensy bit more
sugar."
After he had finished vomiting, Falco noted: "You know, I
have no idea what the hell was in that stuff, but I don't think I want those
two cooking any time soon."
"Hear, hear," said Captain Falcon. "Hey, Samus! Why don't
you try cooking? You'd look good wearing a chef's apron. And nothing else."
A charged plasma beam, seven missiles, three bombs, one
laser beam, two punches, and one 720-degree spinning kick hit Captain Falcon in
the groin simultaneously.
"Pika," said Pikachu. "Pika pika pi-chu!"
"What-a does that mean?" asked Luigi.
"It means," thought Mewtwo, "that Pikachu thinks
that with a bit of sugar, it would have tasted wonderful."
Everyone winced.
"He was joking,"
Everyone cheered, then ran back to the bathroom.
Kirby woke up and felt hungry. He looked and saw a Pokemon
dancing in some sort of syrup. No, that wouldn't do. Ooh! Two princesses… with
pink dressings… and stuff…
Oblivious of their impending doom, Zelda and Peach argued
about icing sugar.