SUMMER DAYS
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. But I really would like to
own something. So if someone could give me the rights to all the Nintendo
characters in this story, I'd really appreciate it. If you can't manage that,
please give me 10 free GameCubes. Or a talking monkey. Or a review.
If you don't give me anything, Jigglypuff will make sure
you wake up in Norway tomorrow!
Chapter 6
Samus sat patiently watching as Captain Falcon made a lot of
song and dance out of his very touching and kind 'special treat for the poor
children'.
"So you see, I was really worried for the kids. This was
obviously important to them," explained Captain Falcon. "You know what children
are like. They'd feel really disappointed unless they got this lovely toy. So
that is why I bought it for them, because..." he paused as he took out his next
cue card... "...because the sound of children's laughter is the most important
thing in the entire world. And I knew that it would be wonderful to make it
appear."
"How touching," said Samus kindly. "Why don't you come here,
sweet?"
"Really?" gasped Captain Falcon, amazed that she wanted to
be with him.
"Of course," smiled Samus (not that Captain Falcon could see
her smiling, because she was wearing that Chozo suit of hers which covered her face).
"Wow," breathed Captain Falcon, amazed that Bowser's plan
had worked. He was finally going to do it with Samus, goddess of lust and ... er...
six. Goddess of lust and six. (Must remember to keep this PG.)
Captain Falcon slowly walked over to Samus and placed his
hands on her.
"What is that lovely smell?" said Samus.
"Broccoli," breathed C. Falcon.
"For me?" said Samus suggestively.
"Yes... Bowser said it made me look sexy..." (I meant sixy.
Honest.)
"How sweet of Bowser..."
"Yes... Bowser is nice... but not as nice as you... take off the
suit..."
"Naturally," said Samus passionately, whilst she thought to
herself: "So Bowser thinks he can control me, eh? I'd better see to him..."
"Why don't you take it off for me?" she said out loud.
Captain Falcon stretched his arms out...
Four seconds later...
Yoshi was in one of his smarter moods, and was just coming
up with the solution for global overpopulation via the destruction of asymmetry
in nebulan cubic fractions combined with the inverse negative product of
hyperradial statistical anomalies... well the point is that he was doing
something really really really really important just when Captain Falcon
landed on top of him.
"Ar!" said Yoshi, slightly surprised by this turn of events.
Captain Falcon would have said something cool to cover up
his embarrassment, but as it happened, his mouth was gagged. And his hair was
on fire. And in addition to all that, there were also really really giant bits
of wood sticking out of his stomach, poking into Yoshi's head. And by into, I
mean that they were half decapitating him. Not necessarily a bad thing.
"Arararararar!" cried Yoshi, running around in circles and
covering his eyes, inadvertently dragging Captain Falcon around with him.
"Mamma mia!" cried Mario, running around in circles and
covering his eyes, accidentally dragging his brother Luigi around with him.
"It's-a all right," consoled Luigi, who was holding on to
Mario's leg. "Two hundred and sixty two thousand one hundred-a and forty three
dollars and ninety six-a cents-a isn't too much of a debt. Imagine if it was
two hundred and sixty two thousand one hundred and forty four thousand
dollars!"
"But-a how?" said Mario, calming down. "Who would buy three
extra GameSpheroids� on my credit card? Is-a he insane? This is cruel-a-ty!"
"It doesn't matter, Mario. The child-e-ren will now-a be
four times as happy with four times the GameSpheroids�!"
"WHAT?" cried Nana in shock, astonishment, and... well, you
get the idea.
"I just said!" said Young Link. "We don't have any
games at all!"
"That's a total rip off!" said Nana, utterly disgusted by
this development.
"And the fact that we have four times the
GameSpheroids� but just as few games makes me four times as unhappy! You know
what? This blows."
"This blows!" said Marth angrily. "I swear, it's true!"
"Come on," chided Roy. "Nobody's that stupid."
"I'm telling you, Luigi was like that! He was here a moment
ago."
"Then why isn't he here now, Mr. Big Shot?"
"I don't know! But I swear, it was hilarious!"
Roy grimaced. "I seriously doubt that. There's absolutely
nothing funny about seeing some guy in a green shirt acting like a complete
idiot, Marth."
Marth produced a conveniently placed digital video recorder.
Many many many hours later, possibly the next day...
Roy was roaring with laughter. "Ha ha ha ha! That's
brilliant! I never realised how fun it could be watching Luigi act stupidly
like that! It's hilarious!"
"Yeah, I know! Can you believe that this little guy actually
saved Mario once?"
"Barely! You know, this recording is brilliant! We ought to
show it to everyone else. They'll absolutely love it! Marth, you're
brilliant!"
"Hey, don't go giving me the credit! Mewtwo and I just found
him sitting there staring at it. He probably decided to read it himself!"
"Nobody ever needs to know..." said Roy thoughtfully.
The digital video recording by Marth of Luigi reading the worstseller "How to Trick Italian Plumbers" was eventually shown to all the Nintendo mascots in the Smash Mansion. They all agreed it was funny, with the exception of two brothers who failed to see anything unusual about it. The video eventually made its way to the famous "Nintendo's Funniest Home Videos", winning the prize for second-most stupid situation (right after the clip of Yoshi trying to teach the fundamentals of short addition to Peach with his limited vocabulary). The show was eventually canned after an unfortunate incident involving a refreshment stand, Kirby, Toad, and a stereo, to the dismay of fans studio-wide. However, everyone forgot about the whole thing a few days later after the arrival of the six hundred and forty third season of Pichu: The Pikachu-like Pokemon with Cuter Ears than Pikachu and a Very Very Disyllabic Name.
"I don't believe this!" shouted Fox McCloud. "It's utterly
ridiculous! You're an absolute foolish moronic nincompoop-like numskull! An
insult to molluscs!"
"Look, I'm really sorry," stammered Falco Lombardi. "It's
just that well, like I said a moment ago, in the heat of the battle, you two
looked really similar-"
"Does this -" Fox brandished a photo of himself standing
next to an Arwing � "look like this?" Fox pulled out a picture of Fox
McCloud Kirby, the Fox look-a-like with an appetite of steel and with the
ability to leap tall buildings if he was standing high enough (that's really
high).
"Well -" Falco gulped � "...he has... the same... ears as you, I
guess... and the same head piece... and the exact same model of blaster..."
"Is that all you remember me by?" screamed Fox. "MY EARS?"
"They're... very... distinctive ears. Attractive. Cute.
Memorable. Handsome."
"MY EARS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE CUTE! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO
CAUSE DREAD, FEAR, TERROR! NOT CUTE!"
"I thought you started wearing your ears like that because
Fara said that -"
"SHUT UP!" shouted Fox angrily. "It's none of your
buisiness."
"But Fox, you just brought it up to begin with-"
"Listen, buddy," said Fox, grabbing Falco by his
collar. "It is not in any way my fault that you can't distinguish between me
and a bit of slime the size of my head. Shut up now, or I swear I will pluck
each of your feathers individually."
"Okay," said Falco hastily.
"Didn't you just hear me? SHUT UP! Oh, that's it." Fox
pulled out his blaster. "Just for the record, it's your co-worker Fox who is
about to disembowel you gradually, not some pink coloured pacifist glutton from
an irregular decagon. Which is yellow. And has a lamebrain name."
Falco readied himself for a fight, but realised that he was
at a disadvantage (mainly because Fox had taken the liberty of tying him to the
gates of the Smash Mansion before his little interrogation session). "Oh
SHOOT," he said.
Luckily for him, Yoshi darted by, knocking Fox into a tree,
and also inadvertently dragging around star racer Captain Falcon.
"Slow down, Yoshi!" said C. Falcon. "Just slow down so that
I can dislodge this last piece of timber and get off on you. I mean, and get
off with you. No, I meant so I could get you laid off on... get laid with me?...
get hot on off?..."
"Arararararararararar!" cried Yoshi, covering his large eyes
with his large hands, wondering why this sort of thing always happened to him.
--insert sad romantic music--
Yoshi, carrying Mario, jumped across a wide river. Mario realised that Yoshi wouldn't make it, and thus bailed at the last minute, landing on a log, while alligators mauled Yoshi to death...
Kirby ate Yoshi and then spat him out into Bowser's shell...
Ness pushed Yoshi's head into a kitchen sink drain...
"There, there, it's all right," said Captain Falcon, stroking Yoshi. Yoshi was in tears. "Captain Falcon's here to make everything better."
"Wait," thought Yoshi. Captain Falcon? Stroking him? But then Falcon was �
"Arararararararararar!" cried Yoshi, running around in circles.
Ganondorf stormed down the halls of the Smash Mansion, muttering insanely to himself. "That pesky Link," he said. "If only I could
somehow remove him. He is the problem! He is the reason I can't take Zelda and
then rap� I mean, and enrapture her. Enrapture. But, of course, she
doesn't like me, does she? Maybe I'll just kill her!" He squeezed a rod of
metal tightly, crumbling it to dust.
"But how to get past all of the security and spells
surrounding those two?" he said to himself. "I know! I shall employ an agent
who does not carry my mystic purple-coloured aura to destroy Link! Someone to
do the work that I, alas, cannot do in person! Somebody," he grinned
menacingly, "that he trusts..."
Young Link was licking a Sugar Roll ('Sugar Roll � lots of
fun! For you! Because we say so! And you're supposed to believe us! Now 1 fat
free!'), while considering Ganondorf's proposition which had been proposed to
Young Link in a proper pro-prosperous prominently productive procedure.
Probably, the proactive pre-adolescent would pre-empt his preoccupation with
the protein pack produced prior to the proposal of the pro-evil pronoun named
profligate problem that was Ganondorf.
"So will you do it, Young Link?" said Ganondorf rather
eagerly.
"Call me Link!" said Young Link. "That's my name!" He threw
the Sugar Roll away. It landed in Fox's eye just as he was about to shoot
Falco.
"But will you do it, Yo- I mean, Link?" corrected Ganondorf.
"So let me get this straight. You want me to sneak up to my
older self, and then kill him while he's not looking, despite the fact that he
would remember my earlier murder attempt (or is that suicide attempt? Hard to
tell) and take Precautions, with a capital 'P', comrade. And let me tell you
that it has been proved, (categorically, comrade; categorically) that it would
result in some strange time paradox which would collapse the fabric of the
universe, bring my arch enemy number 634, Mistarge Owens, into being, and
result in some lame video game spin-off that would embarrass Nintendo forever.
Right?"
"Yes," said Ganondorf.
"Hmm..." considered Young Link, tugging his beard gently
(fine, fine, he didn't have a beard, but he had always wanted one, so we'll
just pretend that everyone was simultaneously hallucinating that he had a
beard). "Such a potentially dangerous task... give me... sixty two jelly beans."
"Sixty two jelly beans? For that?" cried Ganondorf. "Thirty
two!"
"Sixty-four."
"Deal!" said Ganondorf, passing over the jelly beans, and
setting Young Link free to do a dastardly deed doomed to disintegrate directly
after dismissal of dangerously downward odds diamonds divined days ago. (First
person to tell me 1 if that made any sense 2 what it means 3
what it doesn't mean, and 4 how to pronounce it in Sumerian sign
language, gets sixty four jelly beans!)
Young Link ran off to kill his older self. Unfortunately,
after consuming one of the high-sugar jelly beans, he overdosed on
carbohydrates and started deliciously dancing in dance clubs in Dallas dismissing his deadly deed. The point being that he forgot about the whole thing
six seconds later. Right.
So...
Well...
"That's it, Samus," said Captain Falcon bravely, kicking
down the door and then storming into Samus' bedroom. "I've had enough of your
attitude."
The room was completely empty. A gust of wind blew a
newspaper across the floor directly in front of C. Falcon. Country music began
to play slowly.
"That's odd," said Captain Falcon. "This is Samus' room.
Samus is supposed to be in her room, unclothed, waiting for me to arrive. Why
isn't she here?"
Falcon began to search around the room. He opened the shutters
to the window and peered outside. No Aran. She must be playing hard to catch,
decided C. Falcon. But then where would she be hiding? Inside her vanity case?
No. Behind a hand mirror? No. Inside the chest of drawers? Falcon checked... no.
So where could she be hiding right now?
"I know," said Captain Falcon to himself. "Perhaps Samus is
hiding under the covers of that bed over there." And so he walked over and
checked under the covers. Hmm. Maybe if he got under the covers...?
"That's odd," he said. "I didn't know that Samus had
pictures of snow men on her bed sheets." He smiled to himself. "She's still a
child at heart. How sweet."
Popo and Nana walked into their bedroom. "I told you, you
were the last one using it!" said Popo. "Sheesh. You're so argumentative. Nana,
sometimes I really have no idea whatsoever why I hang around you all the time."
Nana grabbed him by the neck and dug her fingers into his
throat. Snarling, she growled, "You hang around me because you are madly in
love with me and do not want to be parted from me. Ever! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"
"Yes, sir," gasped Popo meekly. "But didn't you say
yesterday that it was because we are... er... very trustable climbers... with
patience... and calm?"
Nana reverted to 'sweet, innocent, clueless young lady'
mode. "Oh, calm," she said in a gentle tone. "You're right. We stick together
because we can trust each other with our reputations, our well being, our
happiness, our lives."
"Right, right," said Popo. "Could you please stop strangling
me, Nana?"
"What? Oh, oops!" Nana released her grip. "Sorry," she
giggled. "I forgot all about that. I am a bit forgetful sometimes."
"So, then, Nana, I trust you're done trying to murder me?
Because -"
"Me? Murder you? Of course not. That was only a game. Only
in fun."
"Fun. Right. Fun. Well, then, Nana, now that you've had your
'fun', could we get back to work? You know, the climbing gear?"
"Climbing gear, Popo? Oh, right! The climbing gear. Like Ness said."
"Ness is really clever at things like this. It's real admirable,"
sighed Popo.
"Clever he may be, but Ness is a dirty, rotten..." Nana
paused. "Hey, what's that under our bed covers? It's giant!"
"I don't know," said Popo, pulling out his mallet. "But it
looks really dangerous � possibly even man eating. Nana, you pull off the
covers. I'll cover you."
Nana whipped off the sheets to find Captain Falcon sprawled
on the bed. Falcon looked up. "Wait!" he said. "I can explain. You, see... er... I
wanted to get in bed with... I mean at... I wanted to find her... so I could sleep
with y..."
Nana and Popo glanced at each other, disgusted looks on
their faces.
The last thing C. Falcon saw was Popo and Nana aiming their big
mallets.
Ganondorf watched Young Link bouncing around outside eating
candy. "I don't believe it!" he raged. "The child was supposed to kill his
older self resulting in the end of the universe, not eat jelly beans!
I must find somebody responsible with whom I can trust the job of killing
Link."
By an amazing coincidence (or plot device) Mario and Luigi
walked by at that very moment, Mario still suffering a nervous breakdown over
his bills.
"Hey," said Ganondorf. "I've got a good idea. I think I'll
just ask those two guys walking by right now to kill Link for me. In case
anyone eavesdropping can't remember, I can't kill Link because of some
non-existent spell of eternal protection which will be conveniently forgotten
by the beginning of chapter 7."
Out loud, he said, "Hello, my... er... friends. You're very good
friends. So please... er... could you both please do me a favour?"
"What-a would you like us to do?" said Mario in an
unsuspecting way.
"Well, I've just found out... that Link is a... is not Link. He
is... he is actually one of Bowser's sons in disguise... and he wants... to kill
Princess Peach... with a hair brush. It's absolutely terrible, isn't it, Mario?
And you, Luigi?"
Luigi gasped. "A hair brush-a? Mario! We must-a stop Link;
put him in jail!"
"Wait!" interrupted Ganondorf. "I don't think that you
should just stop there."
"What do-a you mean?" said Mario rather confusedly (actually,
very much so).
"Well, since Bowser has performed so much mischief, it is
about time that you both teach him a lesson. Why don't you kill Link? It would
make things a lot easier for everyone. After all, consider all the evil and
havoc that has been wreaked by the malignant Bowser for years and years.
Couldn't you possibly kill just one more Koopa to end it all? The final
sacrifice? The end to pain?"
Mario was shocked. "I refuse-a to do that? I'm-a not a
killer, Ganondorf!"
Ganondorf recited the names of every single Koopa Mario had
ever met.
"I don't-a kill them!" yelled Mario, waving his
brass-knuckled fist threateningly. "I didn't even kill Bowser! I just explode
him and knock him off-a buildings!"
"Come on Mario, everybody in this room has killed someone
before."
"Well, not-a me! Perhaps you all are-a mad! I would never
kill!"
From an air conditioning vent, a voice came: "And I never
killed Gigas! I just taught him morals and convinced him to become a good,
loyal pet!"
Another voice: "And I would never kill a Kopi or a polar
bear. You may not believe me, but I get stunt doubles to take their place. STUNT
DOUBLES!"
"And I never killed Ganon. I just kind of let him escape
every single time!"
"And I never killed Daisy, even when she beat me in a round
of tennis!"
"And I never killed Dedede. I just set him on fire, mauled
him to death with mallets, threw him headfirst into giant pits, and shot him
out of a cannon!"
"And I never killed Mother Brain! I set the damn thing on
fire and ran for it so that absolutely nobody would notice the space pirates
escaping with it!"
Everyone, especially Mario and Luigi, looked pointedly at
the evil Ganondorf.
Silence.
"Why is everyone suddenly in this room?" said Ganondorf.
Everybody scattered, so as to avoid plot discontinuity.
"You see?" said Mario. "True heroes don't kill even when
it's absolutely-a obvious that-a they should-a do it. Only a villain like-a you
would even dare considering such a very, very, very horrible deed-a!"
"So I guess that means that you won't kill Link? Not even
half kill Link?"
"How-a can you-a half kill somebody? The answer still-a is no."
"Not even for the sake of justice and harmony lasting
forever and eternally?"
"Not even for the sake of justice and-a harmony lasting
forever and eternally."
"You wouldn't even kill someone to get back the money you
owed the credit card companies? The money which was completely wasted by
'friends'?"
"Don't you get it? We both refuse to take a life. For
money, or for goodness."
"You wouldn't kill for good or for money, eh?" said
Ganondorf thoughtfully.
"I can't-a believe that-a we agreed," said Luigi, amazed.
"But still!" said Mario. "We are killing Link-a for justice and
for money's sake."
"Ah," said Luigi. "I see. The mean justifies the end, does
it not, Mario?"
"You mean, 'The end-a just in-fights the mean', brother
Luigi. The other way."
"No. Killing people is really, really fun! It's been days
since I've done that!"
"Only a few days? But-a you've been stuck in the Smash Mansion today!"
"I dreamed of doing it. It's like magic. Just like COKEPSI�.
Mm. Cokepsi�."
"Do you think that Ganondorf really believed that pacifist
speech?"
"Of course-a, Mario. He is, after all, evil. Evil people
tend to be stupid."
Outside GameSpheroid� Local Headquaters, Buisiness
District. 8.47 A.M.
Kirby, Nana, Ness, Pikachu and Popo were crouched together,
whispering.
"All right," said Ness. "We're all here together. We are,
aren't we? Er... yes, we are. Right. Well. Listen carefully, okay? I'll go
through this just once:
"The local HQ contains a vault with lots of super expensive
games for the GameSpheroid�. This vault is situated five storeys underground,
directly beneath the big Moonbucks coffee shop and adjacent to the cheapo
Moonbucks coffee shop. The vault is absolutely airtight. Biological zappers at
the door have been programmed to take out any form of life. Motion-linked laser
firers destroy any moving objects. The windows, in a room five storeys
underground, have been sealed tight with cement and dirt. The giant air
conditioning duct which appears in any stereotypical vault is guarded by
alarm-linked infra-red laser beams which are connected to a separate power
supply, located in the big Moonbucks coffee shop. The room is so secure that
even the top employees aren't able to get into there alive.
"Despite the fact that there is lots and lots of very very
valuable stuff inside the vault, there is only one guard posted outside it. The
guard is replaced every hour, on the hour. The new guard is even more alert
than the old guard, and the old guard will be drunk within three minutes thanks
to the new Intoxik-8 blend of coffee, which is, apparently, really good
tasting, but, as everyone knows, inferior to Cokepsi! The stuff of life.
"Kirby, you're going to be the biological prevention mechanism
remover. You will disarm the biological anti-theft machine for exactly as long
as it takes us to steal the games. This will include a last minute chase
sequence as you struggle to hold on for just a few seconds more. I'll be
working with you too. Nana and Popo, you two are going to physically acquire
the actual real-life manifestation of the target. And you, Pikachu, your job is
to deactivate the high frequency vibration detectors for the ice climbers,
using your natural skill, the creation of energy via electron bombardment. Any
questions?"
"Yes," said Popo. "Were we supposed to understand any of
that, Ness?"
Ness sighed. "Why can't you all act intelligently for once?"
Nana butted in. "How do you know what the vault is like?
Have you been there? Do they keep blueprints on a net-linked server?"
Ness scowled. "Nana, stop acting intelligently."
"Fine," scoffed Nana. "Have it your way. But I swear, you'll
be sorry!"
Pikachu piped up. "Pika pi, pi chu chu ka? Ka chu chu! Chu chu chuuuu!"
"What? Oh... walk into the main reception, turn left after the
lifts, walk three doors down, take the emergency staircase up, it's the 72nd
door on the left."
Pikachu scurried off to the bathrooms.
"Kirby? You happy with the plan?"
"What? Er... that's a... good point?" said Kirby.
Ness walked over to Kirby. "Kirby, why are you staring at
pictures of food again? I told you to listen."
"I'm sorry, Ness. It's just that food is... so good... mmm...
food..."
"You and Yoshi. You're both despicable gluttons. You
know, being really greedy like that is sinful. It's rude, immoral,
and bad for you. So after we finish stealing people's hard work from a
legally protected vault, I'm only going to give you half the hot dogs
that I promised you earlier."
"Only half?" whined Kirby. "I'm sorry, Ness, I really am."
"No buts," said Ness. "Only 32767.5 ice creams afterwards."
Kirby began to cry, but then noticed an ad on the wall, and
went over to drool over it ('Wow! It's the New, All-Improved, Original Kentucky
Fried Chestnut. Now selling for only $127.95'). "Mmm... fried stuff..." said Kirby.
Pikachu came running back to the others, shouting "Pika pi,
pi chu chu chak!"
Ness turned around and psychically grabbed Pikachu by the
tail. "Pikachu, I don't care whether or not your anatomy allows you to
use the bathroom. FOR GOODNESS SAKE, IT'S JUST NATURE! IT DOESN'T MATTER! Now
come on, let's go pinch some stuff that isn't going to benefit us in the long
term."
"That's odd," said Peach. "I didn't know that vases were
able to sing."
"Jiggly jil, jiggly jil, jiggly ul uh ji..." sang the very
much enchanted vase.
"Oh, it's singing Christmas carols!" sighed Peach. "How very
cute. I must find Zelda and tell her all about this magical vase of happiness.
What a wonderful day this is for me!"
"What happened to Link?" said Zelda, looking around. Why couldn't a man who had saved Hyrule bear to watch her apply makeup?
Link escaped Zelda's room, grabbing, for no particular
reason, a quarter, and a small pair of suspenders (you must particularly
remember the suspenders).
He was walking down yet another empty featureless hallway in
the smash mansion, when two slightly psychotic looking plumbers grabbed him.
"What the hell do you want with me?" said Link.
"We know-a exactly what you are up-a to," said Mario smugly.
"Yes," added Luigi. "What you are up to, that we know. You
can't lie to us."
"What do you want with me? It's Link! Link, you know?
Blonde, elfin ears, Master Sword, Ganon hurter, etcetera? Don't you recognize
me, guys?"
"Nice try," said Luigi. "But you see, we know that you are
actually a disguised Koopa out to kill-a us and Peach and everybody else-a. Don't
even-a bother, wise guy! If you really are Link, then why would your mortal
enemy Ganon who keeps trying to kill you want us to kill you? Obviously, you
are just another of Bowser's annoying henchmen. We-a are going-a to teach you a
very big lesson!" (Have you forgotten the suspenders?)
Link stumbled backwards, scanning around him. He was backed
up against a window with no sill. Outside the window was a pool full of
electric charges and piranhas.
"Oh no," he thought. He was surrounded by two
psychotic plumbers and had nothing to defend himself with except a quarter and
a pair of suspenders (which you must not forget). There was no way he
could slip between them, or bribe them (a quarter isn't as much as you'd think.
It's only worth a quarter of a dollar.)
Mario and Luigi looked at each other, then charged.
Will Link die? Will Jigglypuff shut up? Will that guy from the 70's show make a surprise appearance? Will Ness' plan actually carry out without a single flaw despite the odds? Will the planet implode? Or explode? Am I a stoned 8 year old boy? Am I a drunk 15 year old girl? Am I dyslexic? Will Ganondorf actually carry his evil plan out to its completion? Am I stupid? Do these brassieres make me look short? Is the Earth shaped like a cube? Am I running out of suspenseful questions to ask?
Answers: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
yes.
If you answered correctly to all these questions, then you
obviously are too intelligent to be reading this junk. You want to go home and
rethink your life.
If you answered any of these questions incorrectly, then you
obviously are too stupid to be reading this humour piece. Try reading a
Teletubbies story.
If you think that I don't want anybody to be reading this,
then you are obviously socially incapable. Try learning how to speak like
Pikachu.
EDIT: You're all probably wondering what happened to Yoshi. Well, he invented a magical machine and temporarily disappeared. So there are no plot inconsistencies in my story. Except for the 400th word in the story. It should be the opposite if you want to be factually incorrect, not just uninformed-ly incorrect.
