gray city walls. I pray tonight they'll fall.

I told Susan everything. Well, almost everything. I told her about Danijela, Jasna and Marko. Everything still aches inside but it has become a slightly duller ache. There are days when I still want to swallow everything in the medicine cabinet but I force myself not to think of that. I usually fail.

Then the sun will shine on me. Send the light and set me free. I'll be up and on my way, on my Independence Day. All the songs I could not sing and all the words I could not say. I'll be shouting everything, on my Independence Day.

Luka waited in the ambulance bay with Susan for an incoming trauma. He glanced at Susan who was staring aimlessly across the street. Susan's eyes focused and she looked at Luka.

"How are you?" she asked him. Luka gave a sly smile and a shrug.

"The same." He replied. He studied Susan's face carefully, trying to read what she was thinking. They could hear the sirens coming closer and it would only be a matter of minutes before the ambulance reached them. Susan held Luka's gaze. She was still a bit overwhelmed about everything that had happened at Luka's apartment. She had stayed there for almost two hours after Luka had finished telling his story. They had talked, mostly about things that didn't matter but sometimes about things that had both of them in tears. She had realized how badly Luka was hurting and how he had hidden it so well. He had opened up to her and it was something she didn't want to lose. She tried to mentally analyze Luka's response.

"The same," he had said. The same as in 'I still feel worthless but I'm dealing with it' or 'just shoot me, already.' She made a mental note to try and talk to him. The ambulance was pulling up to the doors, the doors opened, Luka and Susan walking quickly toward them. A young girl was being unloaded while the paramedic filled Luka and Susan in on some details.

"Twenty-three year old female, roll over MVA. Complains of neck and chest pain. Vitals are good." Luka nodded, looking at the girl. She had short brown hair and large brown eyes that were wide with fear and pain. There was a cut on her forehead, the red blood a sharp contrast again her pale skin. Luka began to examine her, while Susan asked the girl her name.

"Let's move her into trauma three." Luka said. Susan nodded and they were about to move her when Pratt ran up to them.

"Dr. Kovac, Dr. Weaver wants to see you. She told me to take care of this one." Luka looked at Susan as if to say "What now?" Susan shrugged and helped Pratt wheel the girl into trauma three.

Luka shed his surgical gown and threw it into the trash. The last he wanted to do at the moment was to speak with Kerry. He had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a pleasant experience. He walked toward the admit area, looking for Kerry but finding Frank instead. He asked him where Kerry was and Frank pointed to the lounge.

"She's waiting for you in there." Frank told him, then turned back to his computer. Luka mumbled thanks and walked into the lounge. Kerry was sitting at the table. She looked up as she walked in.

"You wanted to see me." Luka said. Kerry nodded.

"Why don't you sit down?" Luka sighed and sat. He knew where this was probably going and he didn't want to deal with it. He was seated across from Kerry and he waited for her to continue speaking.

"Luka, how have you been?" Luka just stared at her. Kerry stared back waiting for an answer.

"Kerry, I'm fine. I keep telling people that."

"I know but I still want to ask." Luka smiled. A totally forced smile and he knew that Kerry knew it,also.

"Thanks, but I'm okay." Luka wondered if Kerry knew that he was lying. He wasn't okay and he didn't know how to make things better.

"Are you seeing a therapist?" Luka glanced down and remained silent. Kerry let out an exasperated sigh.

"Luka! You need to be seeing a therapist!"

"Kerry, just stop. I'm fine." Luka said, almost pleading.

"No, you're not. I don't think you realize the magnitude of the situation." Luka stood up, getting frustrated.

"I do! I tried killing myself." Luka paused a moment, falling silent. He realized it was the first time he had actually said those words. He looked at Kerry, who was silent, also. Luka continued. "It's over and done with now…I, I know how to handle this, Kerry." Kerry shook her head.

"No, I don't think you do." She said, softly. "Look, I'm going to blunt here. I don't think
you should be back at work yet." Luka stood there, opened mouthed, processing the information. He knew what was coming next.

"I talked with some other people and we all think it's best that…that you take some time
off."

"No." Luka said, he knew it was a weak argument but he wasn't going to stand there and lose something in his life that was important without some sort of fight, even if it was weak.

"Luka, it's not really a negotiable matter." Luka just shook his head, unable to come up with anything to say. He was just tired. He closed his eyes, bringing his hand to the back of his neck. He nodded, in defeat. Kerry spoke, her voice softening just a little.

"I really think it would be the best thing for you right now. You need time to sort things out, to get your life back on track." Luka just nodded again and quietly left the lounge. He noticed Susan standing at the board, she noticed him also and smiled. He ignored her, walking toward the doors and going outside. Luka immediately shivered when he walked out, it was unusually cold for spring and the sky had clouded over. Luka kept walking until he was almost out of the ambulance bay, stopping at a curb. He removed white coat, taking it into his hands, taking note of the black stitching on the front pocket. He ran his fingers over it as he read it quietly to himself.

"Luka Kovac, M.D." he said, almost silently. "I don't feel like that person anymore".

"What happened?" Luka jumped and was torn from his thoughts when he heard Susan's voice. He turned around, giving her a half smile.

"It looks like I'll be taking some time off."Susan stood there, a puzzled look on her face."Kerry thinks I shouldn't be back at work yet."Luka clarified.

"Can she do that?" Susan asked. She already knew the answer but it was the only thing she could think of to say.

"Yeah." Luka remained silent after that, not wanting to say anything else. He waited to see what Susan was going to say next.

"Luka," Susan began, almost hesitantly. Luka didn't like the sound of her voice. "Don't take this the wrong way but I agree with Kerry." Susan and Luka stood silently for a moment, looking at each other.

"I know." Luka said. Susan looked surprised, she hadn't expected Luka to agree with her. Luka handed Susan his coat. Susan took it, questioning Luka with her eyes.

"Will you keep that?" he asked her. Susan nodded as Luka smiled.

"Thank you." Luka turned to walk away but paused and walked back toward Susan. He wrapped his arms around Susan embracing her in a hug and pulling away a few moments later. Susan looked at the coat in her hands and back up at Luka.

"Do you want me to come over after my shift?" Luka shook his head.

"I'll be fine, don't worry." Luka turned and walked away, feeling the best he had in days. He knew what he was going to do when he reached his apartment. He was going to finish what he started.

Everyday I dream of leaving. Cause there's no end in sight. I've got to shine my own light. I just can't wait any longer, for you to make it all right. It's time to live my own life.

You could say that I am giving up. I am just sick of everything, sick of trying to beat this, trying to make things okay again. I'm just too tired. I know people care and that felt great at first but it's just not enough
anymore. The person I worry about is Susan. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want her too feel like this is her own fault. She was the one who tried to help me but…I don't know. I just want to end it all.

I can feel my troubles disappear. Anywhere the road will lead if it takes me far away from here.

Luka closed the door to his apartment after walking into it. He looked around the silent apartment until his eyes fell on what he was looking for. The bottles of pills were lined up neatly on the coffee table, about a hundred pills in all. Some were painkillers, some were sedatives but all of them would be enough for a quick death. Luka sat down on the couch and opened each bottle one at a time and dumping the contents onto the glass of the coffee table. Each pill hit the glass with different pitch plinks and before long there was an assortment of colored pills on the table. Luka looked at the pills, swirling them with his fingers. Then, calmly, he picked up each pill and swallowed them. The act was over a few minutes later. He leaned back against the cushions of the couch and waited in the silence, alone, for the pill's inevitable outcome. Thoughts raced through his mind as he waited. Thoughts of his childhood, his family, Abby, Susan. He began to feel dizzy as the room spun around before his eyes. He could feel his heart pounding with such ferocity that he was afraid it would break through his chest. He tried to take a deep breath but he couldn't. He could feel his throat tighten and he knew it wouldn't much longer. There was a high pitched ringing in his ears and then he plunged into darkness.

Then the sun will shine on me. Send the light and set me free. I'll be off and on my way, on my Independence Day. All the songs I could not sing and all the words I could not say. I'll be shouting everything on my Independence Day.

The song is "Independence Day" by Imani Coppola