Disclaimer: Ok, this is the last time I'm saying this! Konami is not mine... Snake is not mine... that pair of underwear you lost is not at my place... well, about that...
Teenage Wasteland
Chapter 4: Quality Time.
[City Park]
Last off Snake took a shower to get all the shit off of him, Big Boss told one of his old war stories and wants Liquid dead. Raiden seemed to be giggling at the time.
Snake: Does anyone else know why we're here?
Big Boss: As a father they forced me to have quality time with you idiots.
Liquid: (swinging on a swing set with all the joy in the world) Whee!Whee! Look at me papa, I'm swinging!
Snake: Yeah, look at your cough retarded son who you shot in the head cough
Big Boss: Better have that looked into. Sounds like you got a cold.
Fox: Now or never. Let's go you queer Brit!
He lunges at Liquid, who promptly swings past Fox, and smashes his German/Vietnamese head off a post.
Big Boss: As I said- bunch of idiots! (Smacks himself in the face) Stay calm man, just stay calm!
Snake: Calm down old man, your going to give yourself a heart attack.
Big Boss: Now you warn me! (Clutches his chest and goes down)
Snake: This is why I hate vacations. Damn, I have to nail Meryl!
Liquid: Come on Snake, let's swing!
Snake: And siblings.
[Outside Rosemary's place]
Solidus: So, this is where the little turd lives. Hah! It's great to be free of the old bastard and the little shits!
An ambulance races by at a high speed, then does a complete U turn and parks next to Rose's place. The driver gets out and goes for a coffee across the street. Snake and Liquid jump out the back, Big Boss shouted at them.
Big Boss: A damn heart attack isn't going to keep me from kicking your blond little ass you shit!
Snake: Look, I'll get you a beer or something, so shut up.
Liquid: Oh yes, we'll get you a beer. But since your in such bad shape, I'll make it a light beer. Like, I don't know... a Coors?
Big Boss: Hmm, your math teacher was right. You are evil.
Liquid: Oh yes, I look out for my old man and I'm evil? I'll be sure to hasten your recovery by disposing all of your pornography.
Snake: Oh God. Now you did it.
Big Boss: Oh yeah?! Your mother had a beard, you little shit! I thought her name was Herman! And I thought you were a girl! The doctor had to tell me you had an inverted penis!
Liquid: You mean that's not normal??
Solidus: Christ...
Snake: Huh? What the hell are you doing here?
Solidus: I'm stalking that pretty boy who wants to get in Liquid's pants!
Liquid: We're at his place?!
Raiden stuck his head out of a window.
Raiden: Hey, Liquid! Hold on a sec so I can get some pants on and I'll be right down!
Snake: The hell? He's having sex with that bimbo and he wants to see Liquid?
Solidus: Actually, the girl and her mother drove off a while ago.
Snake: Then who..?
Man's voice from inside: Close that damp window, I'm getting a chill!
Raiden: Alright sir.
He ducks back inside and closes the window.
Solidus: That isn't right. But when he comes out, I'm taking him down.
Liquid: Remind me to do your laundry for a month.
Solidus: You're doing my laundry for a month, jizz breath.
Liquid: Go get stuffed, you tentacle assed freak!
Solidus gives him a shot in the nose.
Liquid: Damn, my immaculate facial features!
Snake: Her father too..? The hell...
Big Boss: Get me that beer dammit!
Snake: Alright, I'm on it!
He goes into the same corner store as the driver.
Raiden: Hey Liquid!! Missed me that much?
Liquid: (bleeding from the face) Hardly.
Raiden: Oh my God, are you okay?! Let me kiss it and make it better...
Liquid: Heheh, actually I think I'll let the paramedics do it.
Solidus: Time to die, Patriot puppet!
He electrocutes the crap out of Raiden and slams him face first into the asphalt.
Solidus: I'm good.
He enters the house.
Liquid: Well, that was bloody enjoyable.
Ambulance Driver: Oh my god, what happened to him?!
Liquid: Hit and run with a vengeance, my good man.
Driver: We have to get him to a hospital!
Liquid: I don't think that would be a wise idea. He's too far gone as it is.
Driver: Hurry up and help me get him in!
Liquid: Fine, I'll aid you in moving his limp form, but that's as far as I'll take it!
He takes Raiden into the ambulance and sets him next to Big Boss. The ambulance speeds off again.
Liquid: Dear Christ! I'm stuck in an ambulance with a homosexual and my father!
Big Boss: You think you have it hard? I'm in an ambulance with two homos.
Liquid: Dammit...
Back at Rose's
Snake: (holding a beer) I hate my family. Well, off to Meryl's.
He leaves, drinking his beer.
[Back at the Park]
Fox: Crap, my head. Where'd that blond fruit go!? Where the hell did everyone go?
Russian Girl: Look at what I've found.
Fox: Cut the crap Olga, I'm busy.
Olga: I'm sure you are. And I'm sure you know why my father's been sober for the last two weeks.
Fox: Yeah, I do. It's because I'm a heavy drinker and Vodka hits the spot.
Olga: My father now has the motor functions to abuse me, you American dog!
Fox: Watch the language, Ivan bitch. Like you can take me on!
Olga: I was born on the battlefield! Conflict and victory were my parents!
Fox: Yeah? I served in the Gulf War!
Olga: How in the hell did you serve in the Gulf War? You're not even twenty.
Fox: My father was an asshole.
Olga: That's harsh.
Fox: Not as harsh as my biweekly 'Uncles' were to it.
Olga: Alright, you win.
Fox: You seen Big Boss and Snake anywhere?
Olga: I think I saw them in an ambulance just now.
Fox: I'll meet them at the hospital then.
Olga: One last thing. You have a nice ass.
Fox: I know.
[Rose's Place]
Solidus: At last, I have it... again! The names... of the Patriots!
Rose's Father: (in nothing but a towel) Oh, you like the Patriots then?
Solidus: I hate the Patriots! Why the hell don't you have pants?!
Father: It's a free country.
Solidus: No, it isn't. That's the point!
Father: Really? I think it's so free I'll just drop this towel.
He proceeds to do so.
Solidus: Good thing I recharged this things battery...
Father: Oh, there's going to be battery.
Solidus: Damn these good looks!
[En route to the hospital]
Big Boss: Hmm, that boy.. I think I know him somehow...
Liquid: Why does that line seem familiar?
Big Boss: Why don't you shut up? I'm trying to rest here.
Liquid: Why is it that you always–
Big Boss: Your apparent homosexuality and whiny nature.
Liquid: Right...
Raiden comes around.
Raiden: Hmm, Liquid, is that you?
Liquid: No, now pass out.
Big Boss: Liquid, shut the hell up.
Raiden: Liquid?! It is you! I knew you loved me!
Big Boss: YOU!!
Raiden: Huh?
Big Boss: Jackof Raidenvich, lover to Major Volgen! I remember you, you tried the same line on me back in Russia, during Operation Snake Eater!!
Raiden: My name's Jack, and my nick name is Raiden...
Big Boss: Liquid, he's a communist! Take him out!
Raiden: He loves me, he wouldn't do that.
Liquid: Actually–
Big Boss: You love a communist!? Take yourself out!
Raiden: No, I love you!
Liquid: I HATE MY LIFE!!
[Rose's Place]
Solidus: Alright, I've got the list. Now to read it. 'Taste the one that is forever young.' That's a goddamn Pepsi add! Damn the Patriots!
Rose: Oh my god! What did you do to my dad, and where's Jack!?
Solidus: Old man tried to have his way with me, and I think that little tranny took off with my brother.
Rose's Mother: That's it, you're gong down! (She bring a Spas 12 shotgun to bear)
Solidus: Ah... fuck.
She starts to blow the crap out of things while Solidus makes a quick getaway, using her husband's body as a shield.
Rose's Mom: And stay out you miserable little shit!
Solidus: That homo was sleeping with your daughter's little boyfriend!
Rose's Mom: Well, so am I!
Solidus: Damn seductive transsexual! That's it, I'm visiting Fortune.
[Meryl's Place]
Snake walks up to the door and rings the doorbell.
Snake: Hope she's home...
Colonel Campbell: Hey Dave.
Snake: Hey Colonel.
Campbell: Come on, that makes me feel like an old man. Call me Roy.
Snake: I'll call you Roy when I have a full beard and kill my twin. Probably a mullet too.
Campbell: Err, right. So, you're here to see Meryl?
Snake: Yes. That or I took an interest in old men.
Campbell: Really?!
Snake: Where's Meryl? She has jugs.
Campbell: Hey, one more check is all I need.
Snake: Look, I have to deal with the threat of being raped everyday at my place. You can't scare me, old man.
Snake lights up a cig.
Campbell: Heh, thought I had you.
Snake: Hell's gonna freeze over before you stop chasing skirts.
Campbell: Hahaha, that's my goal. Come on in, I'll lend you some more of my 'books'.
Snake: Score.
They go inside. Snake sees Meryl on the couch watching TV.
Snake: How's life, gorgeous?
Ocelot: (coming back from the kitchen with a Pepsi) Watch what you call my woman, 'Snake'.
Snake: What the fuck?! You're dating that freak?! He hangs out with my brother for Christ's sakes!
Meryl: Look Snake, it was fun, but you aren't quite... oh hell, your whole family is trailer trash, you've been smoking since you were 9 and your best friend's a drunk bastard who lives with some mail order bride. And your brother is cool.
Snake: I meant Liquid.
Meryl: Oh, could you not mention that to anyone?
Snake: Hell, if I told anyone you like Liquid, they'd just think I was trying to piss you off. And hell if it's Fox's fault that his dad ordered a 10 year old hooker and died before she got delivered!
Ocelot: That's what happened? I thought she followed him home from the dump.
Snake punches Ocelot in the nose.
Ocelot: Dammit! You'll pay for that one, comrade!
Meryl: See what I mean? Who the hell would punch a guy because he ripped on some poor girl?
Snake: I punched him because he was dumb enough to get close to me after you dumped me!
Ocelot: Not because she looks like she's constantly covered in dirt?
Snake punches Ocelot again.
Ocelot: Stop doing that, I'm not smart enough to lose my looks!
Snake: Then you won't want to be near when my cig's pooched.
Meryl: Snake, I think you should get out.
Snake: Whatever.
Snake walks out, putting his cigarette out on Ocelot.
Ocelot: Arg, my good cheek!
[Street]
Snake: I will win her back.
Will Snake win her heart over? Review if you liked.