Teenage Wasteland
5th Chapter
Summary: Last off, Snake was dumped by Meryl for Ocelot, Big Boss suffered a mild heart attack, Liquid is stuck in an ambulance with his old man and Raiden, Solidus gave up on liberating the country and left for Fortune's and Fox is heading to the hospital.
[Hospital Building]
Big Boss: I ain't wearing that.
Doctor: Sir, it's standard procedure for a patient to wear this.
Big Boss: You mean victims have to wear dresses with no backs to them? There goes my patriotism. Chalk a point up for Outer Heaven.
Raiden: Heehee, I get to wear a dress in front of Liquid! Rose's dad likes me in dresses too!
Liquid: Oh God.
Big Boss: Dammit boy, I was talking to you!
Liquid: I, uh...
He pulls out a notepad and jots down a point for Outer Heaven.
Big Boss: Good boy. Here, go buy yourself a treat with this.
He hands him a few dollars.
Liquid: Thanks. I think.
Raiden: Oh, you have enough to buy some pepsi!
Liquid: A couple actually.
Raiden: Not that pepsi, the other one!
Liquid: You mean a 2L of pepsi?
Raiden: I dunno. Is it pepsi?
Liquid: ... yes.
Raiden: Yup! We could split it!
Big Boss: I think George did quite a number to his head. Better to it than in it I always say!
Liquid: Did you just accuse him of giving people mental damage?
Big Boss: Yup.
Liquid: I assume you meant me.
Big Boss: Damn right.
Liquid: ... I'll go buy myself a pepsi.
Big Boss: Good for you.
Liquid leaves.
Raiden: Aw, Liquid left.
Big Boss: Then go with him! And don't forget to give him a big hug in public with lots of people watching!
Raiden: Really?!
Big Boss: Yup.
Raiden: Alright, I'll go give him a big hug!
He runs after Liquid.
Big Boss: (shouting) Tell him it's another treat from his old man! I love my life.
[Outside]
Raiden: Hee hee!
Liquid: Remove yourself from me. Now.
Raiden: Nope. Your dad asked me to! He says its another treat!
Liquid: Could this possibly be anymore embarrassing?
Gray Fox walks up.
Fox: Hey, love birds. Is Snake around?
Liquid: Crap. No, he isn't. We dumped him off at Rose's place.
Fox: Who the hell is Rose?
Liquid: This freak's girlfriend.
Raiden: She's not my only friend! I like Liquid too!
Fox: Heheh, squeeze 'em good. Don't forget to work the ass!
Liquid: I swear to god, when I get him off me I'll – AIIE!
Raiden: Hee hee, I pinched.
Liquid: Off, now.
Raiden: Okay.
Fox: Damn, there goes my fun. Ah hell, the old man might be inside.
He goes inside.
Liquid: Well, at least the worst part is over.
Emma: Snap! Caught you!
Liquid: Oh dear Christ.
Emma: It's a pretty good photo, huh!
Raiden: It's a good one! Can I have it?
Emma: Nope! Gotta show my class first!
Raiden: Alrighty then!
Emma: Bye!
Raiden: Bye!
Liquid: I'm going inside. There has to some type of suicide drug in there.
Raiden: I'll look for some too!
Liquid: I hate being loved.
[Inside the hospital]
Fox: Reporting, sir!
Big Boss: At ease.
Fox belches.
Big Boss: Too much to drink?
Fox: Not enough. You know, that albino kid and Liquid make a good couple.
Big Boss: Heh, yeah. I'm looking forward to many healthy grand kids.
Fox: Heheheh.
Big Boss: You know what would make this better?
Fox: Morphine?
Big Boss: Video evidence!
Fox: Crap.
Big Boss: Your skinny friend still a genius with the computer?
Fox: Otacon? Yeah, I guess.
Big Boss: Call him down.
Fox: Evil is a brewing, and it's a malt.
Big Boss: You compare everything with beer?
Fox: Just the essentials.
[Fortune's Place]
Solidus: Someone damn better answer the door, looks like it's gonna rain.
A raindrop hits his shoulder. His suit zaps him.
Solidus: AAH! Damn, that hurt!
The rain falls heavily.
Solidus: AAAHHHH!!
[Inside]
Fortune: Got it!
She opens the door, and a nude Solidus jumps inside.
Fortune: What the hell?! What happened to your clothing?!
Solidus: (covering his balls) Take a look for yourself.
She looks behind her, and sees his ruined and half melted suit.
Fortune: Why the hell do you even wear that?
Solidus: It's simple. I hate lines.
Fortune: What?
Solidus: Ever since I was a boy, I hated waiting in lines. I swore to myself I would find a way to rid myself of lines forever. So I had that suit made for me. But that didn't end it, oh no. I realized that the lines were created by the Patriots! That they wanted me to suffer! Thus I began my conquest to free the United States of AMERICA!!
Cue Patriotic music.
Fortune: Why is it you have a life story for everything?
Solidus: It's simple, really. My dad never listened to me as a boy.
Fortune: I see–
Solidus: All day long I would try to get my daddy's attention, but he never looked. He was always impressed with my little brother's drunk friend! They served together in The gulf war, you know.
Fortune: I–
Solidus: So I swore, one day, I would get my fathers attention by liberating the United States of AMERICA!!
Cue patriotic music.
Fortune: Come inside. I'll get you some pants.
Solidus: Right then. Plot later.
Vamp: My god, he's hung like an elephant!!
Solidus: Damn right!
Fortune: Uh, yeah... it's a nice size.
Solidus: A nice size?! I could kill you with this!
Fortune: Right...
[Somewhere in Africa]
Elephant: Hahahaha, you're hung like a human!
Elephant2: Shut the hell up.
[Fortune's Place]
Solidus: Make with the pants, I hate being gawked at.
Fortune: Right.
Vamp: Holy crap! Hack you off at the ankles and you'd be a tripod!
Solidus: You're really, really bothering me.
Vamp continues to stare wide eyed.
Fortune: Got the pants.
Solidus: Gimmethepants!
He hops into them.
Solidus: Much better.
Vamp: You can see the bulge in his pants!
Fortune: That's it, get out!
She shoves him out the door.
Solidus: That's better.
Fortune: So, what brings you here?
Solidus: Well, you see...
Fortune: Look, the short version.
Solidus: Man took off towel and came after me.
Fortune: You poor baby!
She hugs him.
Solidus: Now that's affection!
[Outside]
Vamp: (staring in through the window) Take the pants off...
[Hospital]
Snake: My life sucks so hard.
Liquid: You think you have it bad? I have photo's of my ass being squeezed by a man in a dress circulating.
Raiden: I like Liquid best because I saw him beat up Ocelot for making fun of his hair.
Liquid: Heheh, yeah. That was a good day.
Snake: Ocelot?!
Liquid: Yeah, he starting crying like a little girl too.
Raiden: He was heroic. I like heroes.
Snake: Liquid, could you kick his ass again!?
Liquid: At the drop of a hat.
Snake: Well... I was at Meryl's earlier...
Liquid: What else is new?
Snake: And Ocelot was down there.
Liquid: You were dumped by a girl who has to think for a few seconds to remember whether or not she has a dick when she goes to take a leak!
Snake: ... don't... kill... the fruit..!
Liquid: Go ahead and kill him. Saves me from his hugs.
Raiden: You want a hug?
Liquid: Dear lord no!
Raiden clamped onto him.
Liquid: Dear Christ.
Snake: Anyways... did those shadows just move?
Liquid: Did I just get hugged?!
Raiden: Of course you did, silly.
Liquid: I have worse things on my mind.
Someone in the room giggles.
Snake: Someone's in the room!
Liquid: Enjoying the view I bet. We're in a damn storage room. Probably just rats.
Snake: Well, I wouldn't want anyone spying on us.
Liquid: Could you lend me a hand? I'm having a hard time getting him off.
More stifled giggles.
Snake: Something isn't right...
Liquid: Where his genitals are on my ass!
Raiden: Hee hee!
A stealth shadow leaves the room, then uncloaks.
Fox: (holding a camcorder) Perfect.
[Back in the room]
Snake: Anyhow, when I was down there, he burnt you to a crisp.
Liquid: He did what?!
Snake: Said you were so gay that even Vamp wouldn't stoop down to your level.
Liquid: Jack, off. Now.
Raiden: Okay.
He dismounts.
Liquid: That's it, I'm killing Ocelot.
Raiden: Can I watch? Can I?!
Liquid: Yes you can. Time to kick some commie ass!
They leave.
Snake: Heheheh, she'll be mine in no time.
[In another room of the hospital]
Otacon: You guys are so bad.
Fox: I do my best.
Big Boss: Let's see what you got.
They play back the altered video.
Liquid: Could you lend me a hand? I'm having a hard time getting him off!
Snake: ... don't...
Liquid: Enjoying the view I bet.
Snake: Something isn't right...
Liquid: Where his genitals are on my ass!!
Big Boss hits the stop button.
Big Boss: Perfect. They'll be declared gay in no time.
[Hospital Building]
Big Boss: I ain't wearing that.
Doctor: Sir, it's standard procedure for a patient to wear this.
Big Boss: You mean victims have to wear dresses with no backs to them? There goes my patriotism. Chalk a point up for Outer Heaven.
Raiden: Heehee, I get to wear a dress in front of Liquid! Rose's dad likes me in dresses too!
Liquid: Oh God.
Big Boss: Dammit boy, I was talking to you!
Liquid: I, uh...
He pulls out a notepad and jots down a point for Outer Heaven.
Big Boss: Good boy. Here, go buy yourself a treat with this.
He hands him a few dollars.
Liquid: Thanks. I think.
Raiden: Oh, you have enough to buy some pepsi!
Liquid: A couple actually.
Raiden: Not that pepsi, the other one!
Liquid: You mean a 2L of pepsi?
Raiden: I dunno. Is it pepsi?
Liquid: ... yes.
Raiden: Yup! We could split it!
Big Boss: I think George did quite a number to his head. Better to it than in it I always say!
Liquid: Did you just accuse him of giving people mental damage?
Big Boss: Yup.
Liquid: I assume you meant me.
Big Boss: Damn right.
Liquid: ... I'll go buy myself a pepsi.
Big Boss: Good for you.
Liquid leaves.
Raiden: Aw, Liquid left.
Big Boss: Then go with him! And don't forget to give him a big hug in public with lots of people watching!
Raiden: Really?!
Big Boss: Yup.
Raiden: Alright, I'll go give him a big hug!
He runs after Liquid.
Big Boss: (shouting) Tell him it's another treat from his old man! I love my life.
[Outside]
Raiden: Hee hee!
Liquid: Remove yourself from me. Now.
Raiden: Nope. Your dad asked me to! He says its another treat!
Liquid: Could this possibly be anymore embarrassing?
Gray Fox walks up.
Fox: Hey, love birds. Is Snake around?
Liquid: Crap. No, he isn't. We dumped him off at Rose's place.
Fox: Who the hell is Rose?
Liquid: This freak's girlfriend.
Raiden: She's not my only friend! I like Liquid too!
Fox: Heheh, squeeze 'em good. Don't forget to work the ass!
Liquid: I swear to god, when I get him off me I'll – AIIE!
Raiden: Hee hee, I pinched.
Liquid: Off, now.
Raiden: Okay.
Fox: Damn, there goes my fun. Ah hell, the old man might be inside.
He goes inside.
Liquid: Well, at least the worst part is over.
Emma: Snap! Caught you!
Liquid: Oh dear Christ.
Emma: It's a pretty good photo, huh!
Raiden: It's a good one! Can I have it?
Emma: Nope! Gotta show my class first!
Raiden: Alrighty then!
Emma: Bye!
Raiden: Bye!
Liquid: I'm going inside. There has to some type of suicide drug in there.
Raiden: I'll look for some too!
Liquid: I hate being loved.
[Inside the hospital]
Fox: Reporting, sir!
Big Boss: At ease.
Fox belches.
Big Boss: Too much to drink?
Fox: Not enough. You know, that albino kid and Liquid make a good couple.
Big Boss: Heh, yeah. I'm looking forward to many healthy grand kids.
Fox: Heheheh.
Big Boss: You know what would make this better?
Fox: Morphine?
Big Boss: Video evidence!
Fox: Crap.
Big Boss: Your skinny friend still a genius with the computer?
Fox: Otacon? Yeah, I guess.
Big Boss: Call him down.
Fox: Evil is a brewing, and it's a malt.
Big Boss: You compare everything with beer?
Fox: Just the essentials.
[Fortune's Place]
Solidus: Someone damn better answer the door, looks like it's gonna rain.
A raindrop hits his shoulder. His suit zaps him.
Solidus: AAH! Damn, that hurt!
The rain falls heavily.
Solidus: AAAHHHH!!
[Inside]
Fortune: Got it!
She opens the door, and a nude Solidus jumps inside.
Fortune: What the hell?! What happened to your clothing?!
Solidus: (covering his balls) Take a look for yourself.
She looks behind her, and sees his ruined and half melted suit.
Fortune: Why the hell do you even wear that?
Solidus: It's simple. I hate lines.
Fortune: What?
Solidus: Ever since I was a boy, I hated waiting in lines. I swore to myself I would find a way to rid myself of lines forever. So I had that suit made for me. But that didn't end it, oh no. I realized that the lines were created by the Patriots! That they wanted me to suffer! Thus I began my conquest to free the United States of AMERICA!!
Cue Patriotic music.
Fortune: Why is it you have a life story for everything?
Solidus: It's simple, really. My dad never listened to me as a boy.
Fortune: I see–
Solidus: All day long I would try to get my daddy's attention, but he never looked. He was always impressed with my little brother's drunk friend! They served together in The gulf war, you know.
Fortune: I–
Solidus: So I swore, one day, I would get my fathers attention by liberating the United States of AMERICA!!
Cue patriotic music.
Fortune: Come inside. I'll get you some pants.
Solidus: Right then. Plot later.
Vamp: My god, he's hung like an elephant!!
Solidus: Damn right!
Fortune: Uh, yeah... it's a nice size.
Solidus: A nice size?! I could kill you with this!
Fortune: Right...
[Somewhere in Africa]
Elephant: Hahahaha, you're hung like a human!
Elephant2: Shut the hell up.
[Fortune's Place]
Solidus: Make with the pants, I hate being gawked at.
Fortune: Right.
Vamp: Holy crap! Hack you off at the ankles and you'd be a tripod!
Solidus: You're really, really bothering me.
Vamp continues to stare wide eyed.
Fortune: Got the pants.
Solidus: Gimmethepants!
He hops into them.
Solidus: Much better.
Vamp: You can see the bulge in his pants!
Fortune: That's it, get out!
She shoves him out the door.
Solidus: That's better.
Fortune: So, what brings you here?
Solidus: Well, you see...
Fortune: Look, the short version.
Solidus: Man took off towel and came after me.
Fortune: You poor baby!
She hugs him.
Solidus: Now that's affection!
[Outside]
Vamp: (staring in through the window) Take the pants off...
[Hospital]
Snake: My life sucks so hard.
Liquid: You think you have it bad? I have photo's of my ass being squeezed by a man in a dress circulating.
Raiden: I like Liquid best because I saw him beat up Ocelot for making fun of his hair.
Liquid: Heheh, yeah. That was a good day.
Snake: Ocelot?!
Liquid: Yeah, he starting crying like a little girl too.
Raiden: He was heroic. I like heroes.
Snake: Liquid, could you kick his ass again!?
Liquid: At the drop of a hat.
Snake: Well... I was at Meryl's earlier...
Liquid: What else is new?
Snake: And Ocelot was down there.
Liquid: You were dumped by a girl who has to think for a few seconds to remember whether or not she has a dick when she goes to take a leak!
Snake: ... don't... kill... the fruit..!
Liquid: Go ahead and kill him. Saves me from his hugs.
Raiden: You want a hug?
Liquid: Dear lord no!
Raiden clamped onto him.
Liquid: Dear Christ.
Snake: Anyways... did those shadows just move?
Liquid: Did I just get hugged?!
Raiden: Of course you did, silly.
Liquid: I have worse things on my mind.
Someone in the room giggles.
Snake: Someone's in the room!
Liquid: Enjoying the view I bet. We're in a damn storage room. Probably just rats.
Snake: Well, I wouldn't want anyone spying on us.
Liquid: Could you lend me a hand? I'm having a hard time getting him off.
More stifled giggles.
Snake: Something isn't right...
Liquid: Where his genitals are on my ass!
Raiden: Hee hee!
A stealth shadow leaves the room, then uncloaks.
Fox: (holding a camcorder) Perfect.
[Back in the room]
Snake: Anyhow, when I was down there, he burnt you to a crisp.
Liquid: He did what?!
Snake: Said you were so gay that even Vamp wouldn't stoop down to your level.
Liquid: Jack, off. Now.
Raiden: Okay.
He dismounts.
Liquid: That's it, I'm killing Ocelot.
Raiden: Can I watch? Can I?!
Liquid: Yes you can. Time to kick some commie ass!
They leave.
Snake: Heheheh, she'll be mine in no time.
[In another room of the hospital]
Otacon: You guys are so bad.
Fox: I do my best.
Big Boss: Let's see what you got.
They play back the altered video.
Liquid: Could you lend me a hand? I'm having a hard time getting him off!
Snake: ... don't...
Liquid: Enjoying the view I bet.
Snake: Something isn't right...
Liquid: Where his genitals are on my ass!!
Big Boss hits the stop button.
Big Boss: Perfect. They'll be declared gay in no time.
To Be Continued