This chapter is dedicated to Captain Crabs, my inspiration of all things goofy, unlikely, and just plain stupid.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, I own my computer, some books, and a pair of fuzzy socks, but nothing in the story that you recognize is mine.
A/N: Hi everyone! I'm sorry I haven't updated. I've been having a lot of trouble with my computer. I've had Ezula, Kaza, and EIGHT!, count 'em, EIGHT viruses! Anyway, just in case you guys were wondering, I am alive and I'll do my best to get my
updates out faster. So, I've been thinking, should this turn into a romance between Hermy and Snape? Also, I've been fiddling with the idea of a 'Harry annoys the Dursleys' story. Let me know. As always, please read and review.
Chapter 3
Date: Friday, September 19th, birthday of one Severus Snape.
Time: 1230 hours.
Mission: Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.
~ ~ ~
"Her-MIO-nee! Please! I don't want to be the one to hug Snape, I'll end up with grease spots!" wailed Ron. Or rather, tried to wail, it was more of a pathetic whine. "Why do I have to do it? Why can't you do it? Please? I'll swap you another task, promise."
"Ron! Oh, fine. But don't think for a minute that I'm going to let you wriggle out of all of these, you can't annoy Snape without coming into some sort of contact with him you know."
Lunch was beginning to wind down and several people had already left, but Snape was still sitting determinedly at the Head Table. Hermione wouldn't have been surprised if he had somehow found out about their 'mission' and was deliberately trying to provoke them. Oh well, the longer he waited the fewer people would be in the halls. She might be all for annoying Snape, but complete humiliation could wait awhile in her opinion. She continued talking with the boys, watching Snape out of the corner of her eye. Unfortunately the boys were much less subtle, craning their heads around to look at him every three seconds. He had obviously noticed since he was glaring at them. 'Don't come this way, don't come this way, don't come this way…'
Just then Neville, walking nearby to leave the Great Hall, tripped…falling right on top of Parvati, who screamed and flailed her arms, which knocked over a pitcher of cream, which of course doused Ron, causing him to leap to his feet and bump the table, upsetting his pumpkin juice into Harry's plate. And Snape had disappeared. 'Oh, this is bad. This is very bad. This is very very bad.' It got worse.
"Well, well, well, Longbottom's incompetence strikes yet again. Tell me Longbottom, were you honestly born the most awkward lout ever to call themselves a wizard, or do you do it only to annoy me?" Oh could that voice get any deadlier? 'He would sneak up behind me'. Everyone was completely frozen; staring at Snape, clearly hoping that some angel would descend from heaven and save them with an answer, or perhaps a demon. Anything would be better than Professor Snape in this mood.
Hermione turned painfully slow, and looked up…into Snape's face. He was standing in all his malevolent glory. Sweeping black robes, covering everything but head and hands; greasy black hair 'although, up close it really doesn't look as greasy…' she thought absently; long hooked beak, NOSE, I meant nose; unnaturally pale skin, as if he'd crawled out of a hole somewhere; black angry eyes that seemed to burn right through you; and, oh yeah, can't forget that extremely malicious sneer that makes you want to curl up and hide for the rest of your life.
Taking a quick inventory Hermione could see that the Great Hall was almost completely empty. True, everyone left was staring at the unlucky Gryffindors, but really, it could be worse. She realized Snape was still talking "…so I think another ten points for unnecessarily ruined food, which adds up to a total of forty-two points. Have I forgotten anything?" Now or never. Hermione raised her hand, a little timidly, and gulped. "Yes Miss Granger, has the great brain of Hogwarts remembered another crime against the peace of our fair hall?" 'Sarcastic son of a…*cough* be nice Hermione, he's still your Professor.' "Well Miss Granger?"
"Sir, I… I… I'mreallysorryandpleasedon'ttakeanypointsbecauseDumbledoregavemestrictinstructionsand"
"MISS GRANGER! Kindly use your articulators and attempt to sound intelligent!" Oops.
She took a deep breath, and started again, more slowly. "I'm sorry sir, I suppose I was nervous. I was trying to say that I've been given strict instructions from Professor Dumbledore so please don't take points or be angry with me."
"I'm having difficulty believing that the Headmaster, whatever else he may order you to do, gave you instructions to completely disrupt my lunch Miss Granger."
"No sir, not that, this." She stepped up and gave him his hug, 'Mmm, he smells like Jojoba, I wonder if he was using it in a potion…wait a minute! I cannot be smelling Snape! Gross!' She stepped back quickly, saying "Happy Birthday Professor!" and fled the Hall, leaving a stunned and open-mouthed Potions Master behind her.
The entire Great Hall was deathly still, staring at the gaping educator. He was still staring in the direction that Hermione had disappeared, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly. Suddenly Ron broke the spell by piping up "How old are you anyhow Professor?"
Snape's mouth snapped shut audibly, as giggles and snickers started filtering into his consciousness. Then he turned to Ron and said with his silkiest smooth voice said, "Another thirty points from Gryffindor I think, Mr. Weasley, and please inform Miss Granger of her detention with me. I shall expect her tomorrow after breakfast."
"But it's Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow!" Harry burst out; "she can't miss the first one of the year!" At Snape's glare Harry seemed to remember to whom he was talking and paled. "I…I…S-sorry Sir."
Snape glided away, leaving the boys to figure out how to tell Hermione. "He never did answer the question. I guess he must be old, huh?" said Ron. Harry just glared at him.
~ ~ ~
"You what?!" Hermione yelped. Ron paled visibly and hurried to try to explain but was interrupted by Hermione's…laughter? A glance at Harry showed that he was also completely at a loss as to why Hermione would be literally gasping for breath from laughter at the news that he had gotten her a detention. "Oh, oh, he, ha! Oh! I wish I could have seen his face! Hahahahaha!" Another glance between the boys - yep, Hermy had definitely lost it.
"Uh, Mione? Are you ok?" Harry tried to get her attention but she was still giggling. "What do we do? Do you think we should take her to the infirmary?" he whispered to Ron. "Maybe she's having hysterics, my mum had that one time when Fred and George charmed the clock to look like dad was in mortal peril." Harry winced, he was glad he had missed that particular Weasley family incident. By the look on Ron's face Ron must have been wishing he'd been elsewhere too.
Hermione finally got control of herself and grinned at the confused duo. "Don't you see? He's giving me detention! He's playing right in our hands, so to speak. It's the perfect opportunity to play some more tricks. You two can go to Hogsmeade and see Fred and George and ask if they have any good tricks we could use. It's perfect!" she ended, and laughed again at their dawning comprehension.
With Snape stuck in the castle with Hermione, he wouldn't be able to chaperone the Hogsmeade trip, and that meant he wouldn't be able to spy on them! The three friends now wore identical evil grins; Hermione's laughter seemed to have scared any fellow Gryffindor's out of the common room, and there were going to be thousands of rumors speculating whether or not 'the Brain' had lost it, but oh well.
Avoiding complete humiliation is so over-rated anyway - this was payback time.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Well, I own my computer, some books, and a pair of fuzzy socks, but nothing in the story that you recognize is mine.
A/N: Hi everyone! I'm sorry I haven't updated. I've been having a lot of trouble with my computer. I've had Ezula, Kaza, and EIGHT!, count 'em, EIGHT viruses! Anyway, just in case you guys were wondering, I am alive and I'll do my best to get my
updates out faster. So, I've been thinking, should this turn into a romance between Hermy and Snape? Also, I've been fiddling with the idea of a 'Harry annoys the Dursleys' story. Let me know. As always, please read and review.
Chapter 3
Date: Friday, September 19th, birthday of one Severus Snape.
Time: 1230 hours.
Mission: Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.
~ ~ ~
"Her-MIO-nee! Please! I don't want to be the one to hug Snape, I'll end up with grease spots!" wailed Ron. Or rather, tried to wail, it was more of a pathetic whine. "Why do I have to do it? Why can't you do it? Please? I'll swap you another task, promise."
"Ron! Oh, fine. But don't think for a minute that I'm going to let you wriggle out of all of these, you can't annoy Snape without coming into some sort of contact with him you know."
Lunch was beginning to wind down and several people had already left, but Snape was still sitting determinedly at the Head Table. Hermione wouldn't have been surprised if he had somehow found out about their 'mission' and was deliberately trying to provoke them. Oh well, the longer he waited the fewer people would be in the halls. She might be all for annoying Snape, but complete humiliation could wait awhile in her opinion. She continued talking with the boys, watching Snape out of the corner of her eye. Unfortunately the boys were much less subtle, craning their heads around to look at him every three seconds. He had obviously noticed since he was glaring at them. 'Don't come this way, don't come this way, don't come this way…'
Just then Neville, walking nearby to leave the Great Hall, tripped…falling right on top of Parvati, who screamed and flailed her arms, which knocked over a pitcher of cream, which of course doused Ron, causing him to leap to his feet and bump the table, upsetting his pumpkin juice into Harry's plate. And Snape had disappeared. 'Oh, this is bad. This is very bad. This is very very bad.' It got worse.
"Well, well, well, Longbottom's incompetence strikes yet again. Tell me Longbottom, were you honestly born the most awkward lout ever to call themselves a wizard, or do you do it only to annoy me?" Oh could that voice get any deadlier? 'He would sneak up behind me'. Everyone was completely frozen; staring at Snape, clearly hoping that some angel would descend from heaven and save them with an answer, or perhaps a demon. Anything would be better than Professor Snape in this mood.
Hermione turned painfully slow, and looked up…into Snape's face. He was standing in all his malevolent glory. Sweeping black robes, covering everything but head and hands; greasy black hair 'although, up close it really doesn't look as greasy…' she thought absently; long hooked beak, NOSE, I meant nose; unnaturally pale skin, as if he'd crawled out of a hole somewhere; black angry eyes that seemed to burn right through you; and, oh yeah, can't forget that extremely malicious sneer that makes you want to curl up and hide for the rest of your life.
Taking a quick inventory Hermione could see that the Great Hall was almost completely empty. True, everyone left was staring at the unlucky Gryffindors, but really, it could be worse. She realized Snape was still talking "…so I think another ten points for unnecessarily ruined food, which adds up to a total of forty-two points. Have I forgotten anything?" Now or never. Hermione raised her hand, a little timidly, and gulped. "Yes Miss Granger, has the great brain of Hogwarts remembered another crime against the peace of our fair hall?" 'Sarcastic son of a…*cough* be nice Hermione, he's still your Professor.' "Well Miss Granger?"
"Sir, I… I… I'mreallysorryandpleasedon'ttakeanypointsbecauseDumbledoregavemestrictinstructionsand"
"MISS GRANGER! Kindly use your articulators and attempt to sound intelligent!" Oops.
She took a deep breath, and started again, more slowly. "I'm sorry sir, I suppose I was nervous. I was trying to say that I've been given strict instructions from Professor Dumbledore so please don't take points or be angry with me."
"I'm having difficulty believing that the Headmaster, whatever else he may order you to do, gave you instructions to completely disrupt my lunch Miss Granger."
"No sir, not that, this." She stepped up and gave him his hug, 'Mmm, he smells like Jojoba, I wonder if he was using it in a potion…wait a minute! I cannot be smelling Snape! Gross!' She stepped back quickly, saying "Happy Birthday Professor!" and fled the Hall, leaving a stunned and open-mouthed Potions Master behind her.
The entire Great Hall was deathly still, staring at the gaping educator. He was still staring in the direction that Hermione had disappeared, his mouth opening and closing soundlessly. Suddenly Ron broke the spell by piping up "How old are you anyhow Professor?"
Snape's mouth snapped shut audibly, as giggles and snickers started filtering into his consciousness. Then he turned to Ron and said with his silkiest smooth voice said, "Another thirty points from Gryffindor I think, Mr. Weasley, and please inform Miss Granger of her detention with me. I shall expect her tomorrow after breakfast."
"But it's Hogsmeade weekend tomorrow!" Harry burst out; "she can't miss the first one of the year!" At Snape's glare Harry seemed to remember to whom he was talking and paled. "I…I…S-sorry Sir."
Snape glided away, leaving the boys to figure out how to tell Hermione. "He never did answer the question. I guess he must be old, huh?" said Ron. Harry just glared at him.
~ ~ ~
"You what?!" Hermione yelped. Ron paled visibly and hurried to try to explain but was interrupted by Hermione's…laughter? A glance at Harry showed that he was also completely at a loss as to why Hermione would be literally gasping for breath from laughter at the news that he had gotten her a detention. "Oh, oh, he, ha! Oh! I wish I could have seen his face! Hahahahaha!" Another glance between the boys - yep, Hermy had definitely lost it.
"Uh, Mione? Are you ok?" Harry tried to get her attention but she was still giggling. "What do we do? Do you think we should take her to the infirmary?" he whispered to Ron. "Maybe she's having hysterics, my mum had that one time when Fred and George charmed the clock to look like dad was in mortal peril." Harry winced, he was glad he had missed that particular Weasley family incident. By the look on Ron's face Ron must have been wishing he'd been elsewhere too.
Hermione finally got control of herself and grinned at the confused duo. "Don't you see? He's giving me detention! He's playing right in our hands, so to speak. It's the perfect opportunity to play some more tricks. You two can go to Hogsmeade and see Fred and George and ask if they have any good tricks we could use. It's perfect!" she ended, and laughed again at their dawning comprehension.
With Snape stuck in the castle with Hermione, he wouldn't be able to chaperone the Hogsmeade trip, and that meant he wouldn't be able to spy on them! The three friends now wore identical evil grins; Hermione's laughter seemed to have scared any fellow Gryffindor's out of the common room, and there were going to be thousands of rumors speculating whether or not 'the Brain' had lost it, but oh well.
Avoiding complete humiliation is so over-rated anyway - this was payback time.