DISCLAIMER: Apparently I'm not cool enough to own totally rad things like Harry Potter or Al Pacino so they're really just on loan (but I do have this awesome huge pot my mom just gave me that you could like cook a small child in and so I'm not a total looser)
14, September, 2: 48, Prefect's Bathroom,
I'm sure you are quiet shocked that I am in the Prefect's Bathroom but before you start flipping out, no the administration at Hogwarts is quiet crazy enough to make ME a Prefect. But they did make Chris S. one and they apparently haven't changed the password since we started fighting.
James Potter is here with me nervously playing with what appears to be a snitch he snitched (god I'm funny) from the Quidditch supplies closet and periodically trying to strike up a conversation with me while we are wait for the final member of our team: Chris F.
It's strange that he's late. Chris F. might be a flirty, capricious, completely bizarre and have the worst possible taste in men but punctuality has never been a problem with him.
14, September, 6: 23, Dormitory,
The Idiot's Guide to Dating Lily Potter:
1) Fight her when you think she's wrong- she really hates phony people
2) The only exception to rule one is on the subject of Quidditch- a little sycophancy in this area just might save you from the most violent verbal thrashing of your life
3) Don't write her poetry- Unless your goddamn sure you're the next William Shakespeare just don't do it
4) Be confidant- this works any girl
5) Don't be an arrogant, stuck up, self centered prick- no girl cares how many ex girlfriends you've had, wants to hear exactly how cool you are five thousand millions times or how ripped you are (especially if you aren't) so just shut up and let her talk a little bit
6) Frank Sinatra gets her in the mood- you don't even want to know how I know this
7) Kiss her like she kisses you- all girls kiss the way they want to be kissed so just mimic her and you'll be in like a dirty shirt
8) Always handle her like you would a sleeping baby or an armed nuclear bomb
James was really hesitant to let Chris F. (who he had never met before) anywhere near his head with scissors but eventually I wore him down with pleading and a fair number of assurances I signed in blood and submitted in triplicate. Chris F. was I guess what you could call my stylist, he had been cutting my hair and going shopping with me for years (ironically enough he is the only "girlie" member of our group) and I felt confident that he would cut James' hair superbly.
While they were doing the hair thing I set about ripping James' jeans in that "artfully grungy" way they do in muggle designer stores. And then we pierced his ear. I was actually impressed with James' cool handling of the ear piercing, I had done half of my girlfriend's myself and the others dragged me to the shop with them, and everyone of them made a way bigger fuss then James.
James had been fairly attractive before but now it was more then that. Obviously he wasn't half a completely sexy as his best friend but he certainly had his own sort of charm. He stared into the mirror for a few moments after we were all done but finally decided he really liked the change.
"I can't believe I let you guys cut my hair." He told me running his fingers through his thick black mane (slightly tamer now since the haircut).
I shrugged. "Me either."
"But it looks great." He assured Chris F.
"Of course it does." Chris F snorted.
And then we taught him how to dance. I thought it was strange, teaching him how to dance even though we were grunging him up but Chris F. assured me that "dancing is the ultimate test of impeccable taste." The things you learn from gay men.
When I was very young my mother tried to teach me to dance (before she realized I was just a natural fuck up) and while I never really took to it well I knew enough to follow even a weak partner. And Chris F. knows how to dance like I know how to... I dunno, be stubborn I guess. So between the two of us when we finally quit James was doing all right. Though probably a little disturbed as Chris F. kept grabbing his hips and telling him to "loosen up" (flirty tart).
"You don't think it'll be a bit obvious that you're helping me do you?" James asked afterwards as we sat strewn about the bathroom enjoying the sweets James had sneaked us from the kitchen.
I shrugged. "Well Lily won't confront me even if she does realize I'm in league with you."
"How do you know?" James asked.
"She can't because I've never confronted her about her fraternizing with you and until that's officially out in the open she'd never risk blurting it while accusing me." I explained.
He nodded. "What ever you say."
15, September, 8:59, Dormitory,
"I hate the place." Lily said sitting down next to me at dinner.
"Lots of homework?" I asked.
"That's just the start. Snape is being an even bigger prat then usual, Professor Demer is becoming more blatant in his favoritism and J..." She stopped short, blushing furiously.
"And what?" I prompted as I tried to recall that last time Lily Evans had blushed.
"And nothing. I think were in dereliction of duty by not torching this place."
It is very obvious that she was going to say something about James before she stopped. Cannot possibly guess what but have resolved to ask him about it straight away in the morning. I hope it was something like 'and James is looking so good I can hardly keep my hands off him.' I smirked. "Hey I suggested in the first year that we burn this mother to the ground."
"That was during finals week and you didn't actually hate the school, you just didn't want to take the Transfiguration final because one of the second years told us that more then half of his year had flunked with less then a fifty percent." She pointed out.
"So what?" I said.
She shook her head and dug into her mashed potatoes.
In other news I tried to talk to Chris S. only to be brutally shot down and laughed at in a tag team effort by her and the new crowd of people she's taken to hanging out with (my Cousin Rosie's crowd to be exact). The course of retaliation is clear: I will snitch her Charms homework while she is asleep and throw it in the fire, nothing could possibly get under her skin more then being unprepared.
16, September, 2: 47, Charms,
All right, all right, taking Chris S.'s homework and destroying it was juvenile and I even regret it now. Partly because she looked so upset when she couldn't find it and partly because of the vicious evil eye she gave me. How she knows it was me I don't know but I'm guess she's either psychic or she has realized that I am a) immature and b) mad at her (therefore a prime suspect).
In other news James said Lily has been showing early signs of a fatal crush on him so that's good. She's even agreed to go to Hogsmead with him next weekend. I considered asking James how they were getting there since there was no official trip scheduled but didn't bother, he'd never tell me.
But I have a sneaking suspicion that his best friend might, if pressured in the appropriate manner.
19, September, 4:31, Common room,
All right I wasn't planning on interrogating Sirius on James' methods of getting to Hogsmead for a while (until I really needed to know) but that was before Chris S. got you confiscated by telling Professor Nory that I was using you to cheat on his quizzes.
I had to write a letter of apology, read it to the class, promise to keep you in my bag at all times during any sort of test, accept five hours of detention and zeros on all the quizzes I had been passing recently to get you back. And now Professor Nor keeps giving me this sort of remorseful look and staring at me during quizzes. So now I need to sneak into Hogsmead and purchase my tools of vengeance.
This means war (and that I will have to work super hard in Arithmancy if I want to get my grade back up to passing). I am pulling out all the stops and stooping to her level to exact my revenge. By the time I get done with her she's going to wish she'd never even met me.
20, September, 10: 08, Common room,
I was sitting the library tonight when who should approach me but Sirius Black. He sat down next to me and waited for me to look up from my Arithmancy homework. "Yeah?" I asked after a moment.
"I need a favor." He said bluntly. "Or possibly two."
"All right, what favor, or favors?" I asked, setting down my book.
"The first, and smaller of the two favors is that I need you to plant the idea in your cousin's head that I have a girlfriend, like a real one." He said.
"Define a 'real' girlfriend." I smirked.
"You know one that I love." He explained, looking more uncomfortable with this idea then I had ever seen him.
I kicked back in my chair so it was on only two legs, enjoying his agitation. "All right, that's not a problem." I agreed. "But what pray tell, is favor number two?"
"Well James told me you're a pretty good dancer and one of my friends is taking me to a bar tomorrow night in this muggle village and you know since your a muggle born and we're both wizards... well I thought maybe you could come with." He looked calmer now, relaxed, in his element. "You know keep us from doing anything stupid, or at least keep us from doing anything life-threatening."
I played it cool. "I don't know, I was planning to study my Arithmancy that night and I don't know if I should skip that to be groped by a bunch of men in a bar." It was a total ruse; I wasn't dumb enough to turn down an offer like that but I didn't want to accept right away, I needed something from him too.
To my eternal vexation that just seemed to amuse him rather then freak him out. He propped his feet up on the library table. "You're trying to tell me you're going to stay here on a Saturday night to study instead of going out? I've known you for less then a month and I know you better then that." He smirked.
Time for a subject change. "You know how to get into Hogsmead don't you." I accused suddenly rocking my chair back to its normal position and staring at him intently.
He didn't bother to bull shit me. "Yes I do." He said.
"Take me tomorrow and I'll go." I promised.
He nodded agreement, though in truth I would have gone anyway and we both knew it. I hate being a push over. "Why do you need to get to Hogsmead so urgently?" He asked.
"I'm waging war and I need supplies." I told him simply.
"Dare I ask on whom?" He said delicately.
"Chris S." I told him.
"I thought you two were friends." He said, taken aback.
"We were but we had a falling out and then completely out of the blue she goes and gets my journal confiscated by telling Professor Nory that I was using it to cheat." I said. "WHICH I WASN'T"
"Never said you were." He held up his hands in a universal surrender. "And that sounds like a worthy cause to me. Would you like my professional assistance?" He offered.
"Sure." I agreed. You can never have to many accomplices. Unless of course they rat you out and then consolidate each other's stories in which case you're screwed. Must dig up a deep dark secret of Sirius' to blackmail him with just in case he thinks of going to the authorities.
Shopping list of the Bitter and Immature:
1) Fillibuster's fireworks
2) Dung bombs
3) Do it yourself chaos kit (Deluxe- including the super thick gloves, twice the amount of ever-stain, and the free gift with purchase of a super fast mold growth agent)
4) More of that nail polish that changes colors (more to do with recreation then revenge)
21, September, 7: 51, Common room,
Confucius said that the best way to teach is through example, Siddhartha said what goes around comes around and my mother said that I should grow up and stop acting like a bloody two year old but in a single act I have thrown all that good advice out the window.
I have put a large stain on Chris S.'s favorite shirt, grown mold all over her pillow, hid some fireworks rigged to explode in her trunk, and a dungbomb in her book bag. I even considered dying Albert, her stupid bloody annoying owl, a bright pink but couldn't bring myself to do it. Besides it's a little dangerous to get to near Albert, especially if (an example being yours truly) he doesn't really like you.
I gave the products we didn't use to Sirius to put "somewhere safe" AKA, somewhere I'm not cleared to know about but he promised to fetch them if I ever needed them again.
And then we went to the Astronomy tower and feasted on the food we brought back. Generally the Astronomy tower is reserved for couples (coming to make out) and classes (not coming to make out) and it felt a little weird just being up there and not kissing or at least listening to a lecture.
"I feel a little bad." I admitted. "I mean Chris is really going to hate me after this."
He nodded. "Maybe but that's life right? And if you're going to loose a friend you might as well have fun doing it." He smiled and the bottom dropped out of my stomach.
"I guess that's true." I agreed. "But it would be a little callus of me not to feel at all bad."
He smiled, not his smirk or even his animated, happy smile, but a sort of self-mocking and slightly regretful thing. "Maybe you're just a better person then me."
There is nothing you can say to something like that so I changed the subject. "So what kind of club is this?" I asked. "I mean I don't want to show up over or under dressed."
"It's punk. That's why we're going, The Afterlives are playing tonight and they're supposed to be really good." He replied, looking so normal now it was hard to believe how morose he had looked just seconds before. "The other reason I invited you."
I nodded and then realized that he had never seen me in almost anything other then my school uniform and we'd never discussed music. "Wait. How did you know I like punk?" I asked.
"Rosie and I hung out in your room that morning you had to go to the hospital. It was a little obvious." He explained. Yes all the posters and stickers would have been a dead give away.
"Oh yeah?" I smirked. "And pray tell, did dear Cousin Rosie happen voice her opinion of my room and me in general?" I asked toying with the edge of my shirt.
"Well at first she kept telling me how you always were the weird one of the family and how she always wondered if you were really adopted but then when I wanted to listen to your records the story got a little different." He told me. "Those muggle records are surprisingly good, I especially liked the ones by The Sex Pistols."
"She let you listen to my records?" I demanded.
He shrugged. "Yeah why?"
"Did either of you touch any of them?" I leapt to my feet.
"Both of us did I think." He looked confused.
I sank back to my seat. "Those are sacred and she knows it. I told her the first day she arrived that the only rules were don't touch my recordings and don't be annoying so apparently that's a big fat zero for her on the rule following." I said meanly. He snorted in laughter at that.
"This isn't funny." I informed him, getting up. "I am going to have to have to go over every single one of my records and tapes to make sure you guys didn't scratch them. See you in the common room around eight?" I was halfway down the winding stair.
"All right but I don't think we scratched any of them." Sirius called after me.
And he was right, a very close inspection of every one of them revealed no scratch. Well I'd better be off if I'm even going to be fashionably late.
AN: All right, first and foremost REVIEW! Feed back is my drug of choice and more feed back equals more story! Secondly to answer a few questions I have composed a list, please peruse it if you posed a question in your review.
A Few Answers:
1) The only diary formatted book I have ever read was the Princess Diaries which I found cute enough and even funny at some moments (and humiliating as my six year old niece had me read them to her aloud and sometimes I was laughing harder then she was- I can only surmise that she wasn't old enough to get the jokes...or possibly that I haven't matured past six). Perhaps I will read The Confessions of Georgia Nicholson and/or All American Girl to my niece next time she visits
2) Al Pacino is considered by some knowledgeable sources (me) to be the greatest actor of all time. He starred in the Godfather which received I believe several academy awards (the one I make reference to in chapter 1 which was in fact released in the seventies) and Scarface, THE definitive drug lord movie. He has delivered such famous/infamous lines such as "say hello to my little friend," "just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in," "the world and everything in it," and my personal favorite, "make him an offer he can't refuse."
3) A special thanks to Caranardaiel for linking me to her profile