Mist. Fog. Smoke
By Maddy
Summary: Buffy's thoughts as she watches Angel walk away at the end of GD2.
Rating: PG for the angst.
Spoilers: Nothing specified, general Buffy 1-3
Timeline: The final minutes of GD2.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything this valuable. Joss and Co. does.
Distribution: Ask, tell me where and you can have it (most likely anyway).
Feedback: Please, I love it.
Author's Notes: Very angsty, so beware.
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Mist. Fog. Smoke.
It seems to swallow you whole as I stand here and do nothing. Just stare. Which is stupid really, why am I just looking at you? I should be running towards you, screaming at you to not leave me. But I just stare. Doing the stupid thing.
But you stare back, maybe we're both dumb. I know I said that I understood why you had to leave and I know I told Willow as well, but for God's sake! The love of my life is leaving me, out of choice, I think that hurts the most, because no matter how much you might think that you need to do this, some part of you must want it to. And I hate you for that. I'm dying inside and all you can do is stare.
There's noise and movement about us. But our gazes hold. I can see in your eyes that you're saying goodbye. Can you hear what my eyes are saying? I'm screaming, Angel. I'm screaming. But you can't hear, no one can. But my own screaming is becoming too much for my ears to handle and yet I don't stop. I don't think my heart will ever stop needing yours, wanting it, calling for it. Screaming for it.
There as a time when I used to think that you could hear what my heart was saying to you. But since you just stare back at me, saying goodbye, I know that you can no longer hear me. You ignore the searing pain that this has to be causing you. Please tell me it's hurting, I need you to hurt. But maybe even that isn't enough, 'cause I'm dying here, Angel. I'm dying. Inside, I begin to feel nothing, it'll be better this way.
To be dead inside I feel nothing. Now I'm just a shell. How do you feel? I wish I could ask what you're thinking, feeling…but somehow I think I've lost that right. We're not together anymore, you're no longer a part of my life. God, I wish that were true, I wish I didn't want my life to be with you. I wish I didn't love you anymore, it would so much easier to be without you if I didn't care.
But I do, can't you see that? I may be dying, but I think you could bring me back to life. So I'll just be dead inside till you come back and resurrect me. Don't be too long, okay, I don't think I'll be able to stand it. So until then I'll just feel nothing, be numb, it's better this way or the pain…it'll be too much, please understand this.
You look deep into my eyes and I prey that you can see me dying, hear me screaming, but you turn away. My heart felt as though it exploded into a trillion pieces and they'll never be fixed, not even you will be able to mend them.
Mist. Fog. Smoke
They swallowed you.
Somehow I manage to also turn away, you face still imprinted in my mind, your voice and your touch. I resolve right there to lock you away in my broken heart and throw away the key. Then no one can take you away, or fill your place. My now dead heart will just have to wait for you to come back to me before it can beat again.
Across the grass and path I an see my friends. They don't understand, they could never understand. But I still walk over to them, Willow is the first to talk to me.
"Are you okay?"
"No."
"But you will be," she gives me a bright smile as though I should smile back. I don't. "Right?"
"I don't think so."
"Sure you will, Buff." Said a non-serious Xander. I want to hit him, hit something…anything. They deserve to hurt like I am.
"I don't think so, Xander." I repeated, "you don't know what this feels like. Did the love of your life didn't walk away? No, they didn't, mine did. And I won't be okay. Ever!"
Their stunned faces gave me some sort of twisted pleasure, but no one said anything, not even Cordelia which I am a bit surprised at. Oz just looks at me, Willow's eyes are shinning with unfallen tears. How dare she?! She shouldn't care, she shouldn't hurt, she doesn't know what it feels like. Xander didn't look at me, but I don't know, I just turned and walk away.
I know that I should feel bad for my outburst, Angel. But I seem to keep my feelings from my friends most of the time, but now is different. And I can't find it in myself to feel regretful, but it's different this time.
When I see you again – yes I do know that I'll see you again – I'll ask you how you did it. How did you walk away from me? Did you know that I would never do it myself? Is that why you left, because you knew I wouldn't? I'd ask you al the questions I wanted to…and maybe, just maybe, my heart will stop screaming, it'll just talk and you'll be able to hear. And what you see in my eyes is what I'll see in yours: sadness, loneliness, regret, devotion, love…hope.
"Forever…that's the whole point." I whisper, yeah it really is and one day we'll get our forever.
Mist. Fog. Smoke.
They took you from me.