A/N: Finally up! The chapter we have all been waiting for!!! Or maybe you haven't... Oh well, it's up here anyway. I do hope my lovely fans like it. I poured quite a bit into this one. Half of me regrets how this is turning into a bit of a psychfic, but the rest of me is glad. But then, you know how these things can begin to write themselves... I hope everyone can identify with some of the feelings in this story. I want it to be realistic rather than total fluff. Love 'n' hugs! And please review!!!

CHAPTER 8

"Well,, To-ya," I began nervously, not really sure how to put my feelings into words. "My main problem is that I still don't know where you're coming from. It just feels like you decided to start this so fast." And you could just as quickly end it all, too…

"Oh," Touya grunted in reply. "Well, it really wasn't all that fast a decision." I looked at him questioningly. He sighed before answering, "it's a long, long story…"

I touched my own hand to the one he'd left gently holding my cheek. I nuzzled into his palm, breathing, "I'll give you all the time you need." Then, more seriously, I added, "To-ya, hon, I really need to know what has been going on. The more I think about all the things you said before, the less sense they make. I still don't understand why you did what you did, and I feel like I need to before I'm ready to make any… big decisions about this. So that I can figure out what's developed between us." I'd been babbling, but I wanted to make sure he understood. He did.

"Okay," he began hesitantly. "Well, actually I liked you from the very beginning…"

"What?!" I interjected. "Then why-- why did you…"

"Just listen. Please. I'm trying to explain this so that it makes sense. Dunno if that's actually possible, but I just want you to be able to… to figure everything out. I want you to be able to love me, and feel comfortable with it, with us, I guess. Does that make sense?"

I nodded. "Okay, I won't interrupt any more. Go on."

"Well, like I said, I'd loved you for… I don't know how long… but it felt like forever. Probably since I met you. It took a while for me to realize that, and even longer to accept it." I nodded. It was pretty freaking hard to accept that your'e not only gay, but in love with your best friend. "Anyway, I finally figured out that I was attracted to you. But the more I thought about it, the more I-- I didn't want to be gay. I hated most everything about it. The constant shame, fear, hiding… I never wanted to have to come out. So I decided, well, why should I have to? Why should I have to be something I don't want to be? So I denied it for as long as possible, then when denial stopped working I just used raw willpower to stop myself from acting on my feelings, from just going for you. I had convinced myself to just give it up, because if I did it would only destroy our friendship and upset my family and the whole entire universe. That was my logic back then, anyway." He chuckled. I did too, a little bit. I knew what it was like when you put something into words and it sounds so totally ridiculous even though you were convinced it was rock-solid logic at the time. "I was most worried, though," he continued, "that it would upset you. I didn't want you to be hurt because I couldn't control my stupid attraction. So I was never going to tell you, never going to say anything or act on it at all… until you made me that night at the dance." I began to open my mouth, whether in protest or to apologize I wasn't sure which, but then I remembered his request for my silence until I was finished and shut it again.

"I figured, what the hell, just one kiss couldn't hurt. But then I did it, I actually kissed you… God, I never wanted it to stop. When I finally realized I was this close to losing control, I pulled away. But it was still too late, too close for comfort. All those feelings I'd spent so long suppressing had come back. So I pushed you away, and ignored you the rest of the night. I tried to just block you from my mind, but no matter what I did, I couldn't make myself forget. What I had been denying myself so long was finally attainable. I knew you felt the same as I did, and it was so much harder to keep myself from telling you how I felt. Eventually, I realized that my old argument just didn't hold water anymore. I couldn't hurt you by loving you back; it would only make you happier. So I asked you to come with me for ice cream so I could let you know what I'd decided, and… that's pretty much it. I didn't even think about how it would all seem to you, I'm sorry."

I kissed him hard on the lips to prevent further pathetic apologies. Hey, I had to shut the guy up somehow! I'd never even given a fleeting thought to the idea that he'd been struggling as much as I had. After pulling back away, I whispered into his ear, "No, To-ya, I'm sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry about? I'm the moron who kept us apart for so long…"

"No, I'm the one who got mad at you. I thought you were trying to use me, but you were really just trying to protect me… and I didn't realize it…" There were tears clinging to my lower lashes as I mumbled. He leaned in and gently placed a kiss on my trembling lips, saying in a soft, mock-accusatory tone, "Now you shut up," as he removed my glasses and wiped my tears away wit a finger. I fell into his chest and clung to him as we kissed again and again, until the sun set across the lake.