Chapter 4: The Burly Brawl
Lock angrily stormed up to Councilman Hamann.
"Hamann, I am so mad at you!"
"Why?"
"You stole my cookie!"
"No, I didn't!"
"Yes, you did!"
"No, I didn't!"
"Oh, okay, never mind."
"Yay!"
"Wait a second—you cleared the Nebucadnezzar for takeoff, didn't you?"
"No, I cleared it for rip-off. So far, I've counted Dark City and Superman, and counting."
"Oh."
"But I didn't try to stop the Nebucadnezzar from leaving, though."
"But we need all the ships here in Zion!"
"Our survival depends on more then how many ships we have."
Lock stared at him.
"Has anyone ever tried to put you in an old folks home?"
"Several times, but I've escaped all of them!"
Meanwhile, in the Matrix, Neo, Trinity and Morpheus walked along Chinatown to meet the Oracle.
"Why are we in Chinatown?"
"The Oracle wants you to meet someone in a room that's oddly perfect for a kung fu sequence who'll take you to her in."
"Why there?"
"I have absolutely no idea."
"Well, here we are!" said Morpheus.
"Wait a second," said Neo. "If I'm just going alone, then why did the two of you come?"
"Effect."
"Oh."
Neo walked in the door. He found himself in a weird room. A creepy little man sat across the room. He was staring straight down and was wearing sunglasses.
"You are Neo," he said.
"Yeah."
"You seek the Oracle."
"Mm-hm."
"You are wondering why my character is needed in this already weird movie."
"Totally."
"You're not really listening to me, and you're just adding agreements whenever I finish my sentence."
"Yeah, whatever."
"LISTEN TO ME!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, what?"
"My name is Seraph. They call me 'The Plot Device'."
"My name is Neo. They called me 'The One'."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"No way, man!"
"Like, totally, dude!"
"Well, whether you're the One or not —"
"I am the One!"
"Whether you're the One or not," repeated Seraph, "I must apologise."
"For what?"
"For this.'
"For what?"
"Well, if you hadn't interrupted me again, I would've started fighting you."
"Oh."
"Well, okay, let's fight."
They ran at each other and started fighting. One unnecessary kung fu sequence later, Seraph stopped fighting Neo and jumped back to the side of the room.
"So, you are the One. Just checking."
"You could have just asked."
"No. You only truly know someone until you fight them."
Neo punched Seraph in the face.
"I wanna get to know you," said Neo sarcastically.
"Anyway," said Seraph, "Follow me."
Seraph led Neo through a door at the back of the room into a pristine white hallway that stretched on with an infinite amount of door.
"These are back doors, aren't they?" asked Neo. "Programmer access."
"Yeah. I hate the backdoor. Sometimes I lock myself out."
"Are you a programmer?"
"No."
"Then, what are you?"
"I protect the thing that matters most."
"You didn't answer my question."
"I know."
Seraph let Neo to one of the doors. He pushed it open. The door led to the Matrix. He was in a small basketball field in the Ghetto. He saw the Oracle, this wise psychic who was always there to help the rebels. She was sitting on a bench feeding crows. He walked over to her.
"Good to see you again, Neo!"
"Hi, Queen Latifah!"
"Umm...that's not me."
"Oh, well...umm..."
"Think about where you know me from. Old...black...starts with an 'O'..."
"Umm...Oprah?"
"Uh, no."
"Oh, wait, are you the Oracle?"
"Now you've got it.
"Well, I ain't gonna bite you," said the Oracle. "Come on, let me have a look at you."
She examined Neo for a moment.
"My goodness, you turned out all right! How do you feel?"
"I feel great! I feel great! I feel great! I feel great!"
"Did you drink caffeine again?"
"No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"
"Calm down."
"Sorry."
"Take a seat."
"No, thanks."
"TAKE A SEAT!"
"Okey-dokey."
Neo sat down next the Oracle on the bench.
"I knew you were gonna sit down!" said the Oracle. "Ooh! Psychic!"
"I'm scared!"
"Anyway, let's get the obvious things out of the way."
"You're not human."
"Well, you can't get more obvious than that."
"Yes you can.112."
"Okay. Fine. Whatever. I was wrong."
"Hahahahaha! The Oracle was wrong! The Oracle was wrong! Nyah-nyah! Nyah-nyah!"
"Shut up."
"Sorry. So, you're...what? A computer program? And so is Seraph?"
"So far, so good."
"And...your power source is from the machine world."
"Keep going!"
"But if that's true, how can I trust you?"
"Zing! Bingo! Yatzee! The price is right! How can you trust me? Doesn't that just put a zinger in your buttermilk?"
"Umm..."
"Well, you can either chose to trust me and listen to what I say, or chose to distrust me, and rejects what I have to say. The choice is yours."
"But, if you know which decision I'm going to make, then how can I decide if I already have?"
"You can't. You have to understand why you made the choice."
"I made the choice to listen to you because I don't want to be killed."
"Oh, right. Candy?"
"No thanks."
The Oracle glared at him.
"Yeah, maybe I'll take some..."
"I knew you were gonna do that!"
"Why are you here?"
"Same reason. I love candy."
"But, I'm not here for candy."
"And I'm not here for horseshoes, but you don't always get what you want, do you?"
"Umm..."
"See those crows over there? At some point, a program was written to govern those exact birds. A program was written to govern the trees, the wind, the sunrise, the sunset. There are programs all around us. But, the good programs are always invisible. You'd never know they were there. But other programs that don't do what they're told, you hear about those all the time."
"I've never heard of them."
"Oh, sure you have! Whenever you hear about someone who saw an angle, a ghost, a vampire, a werewolf, an albino. That's just a program system doing a program that it's not supposed to be doing."
"Why?"
"Well, mostly 'cause it faces deletion because a new or better program gets created. It can either hide here, or return to the Source."
Neo nodded.
"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," he said.
"Tell me about your dreams."
"Well, I'm in a hallway, then I go to a door with a bright light on the other side, and then I see Trinity being chased by an agent. She jumps out a window, the agents jumps after her, and they both start shooting at each other, and a bullet hits Trinity, and she starts to fall, and then right before she hits the ground, my dream changes, and I see Richard Simmons and a guy in a Hot Dog suit playing Pokémon, and then—"
"Shut up."
"Okay."
"But you don't actually see her die?"
"No."
"Well, you have the gift of seeing occurrences without time."
"But why don't I see her die?"
"We can't see the result of a choice we haven't made yet."
"So, you're saying that I'm gonna have to decide whether Trinity lives or dies?"
"Yes."
"Oh, no."
"You're screwed."
"Yeah."
"Wait a second...I know...I just won't decide! Nothing can happen if I don't decide!"
"No, moron! You have to decide!"
"Why?"
"Because you're the One!"
"Crap. It used to be just me and my computer in my life, and nothing else. Well, and that bald guy that borrowed stuff from me and never gave it back. He still owes me that GIF disc of dancing monkeys! Wait, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, my life used to be so simple. Now, I have to decide whether to save the human race or save my girlfriend. I wish I had a time machine like in Austin Powers 2, then I could go back in time and make two of myself. Hey, didn't I already have a time machine? It looked like a phone booth, and I got it from George Carlin..."
The Oracle stared at him.
"Okay, now you're creepin' me out."
"Alex Winter...what ever happened to that guy?"
"Shut up."
"Sorry."
"Oracle, we must go for no reason except to move along the plot!"
"Coming, Seraph."
The Oracle turned to Neo.
"I'm sorry that every time I meet with you I have nothing but bad news. But I think it'll turn out in the end. You're a nice kid. Good luck."
The Oracle and Seraph walked over to the door and disappeared into the backdoor files.
Neo did not notice Agent Smith walking up behind him.
Or did he...?
Dun dun duuuuun!
No, he didn't.
"Mr. Anderson," he said. "Surprised to see me?"
"No, not really."
"Wha...? Why not? I came up behind you and everything, and I made sure my feet didn't make any noise..."
"Smith, I see you all the time. I saw you last week. You were in my room, trying to steal my iPod."
"Oh, yeah! I forgot about that! Well, anyway, 'member a few months ago, when I killed you, and then you blew me up?"
"Oh, yeah! That ruled!"
"We should do that again sometime!"
"Yeah, yeah..."
"Anyway, after you exploded me, I gained the power to make clones of myself."
"Why?"
"I dunno. Plot device."
"I see."
"Okay, now, let's fight."
"Why?"
"Because that's the only thing the audience likes about The Matrix. The kung fu."
"That's not true! What about the story line?"
"The story line? Man, the only story line in this movie is Morpheus being creepy, boring speeches by me, the Architect saying a bunch of words no one's heard of, and you getting laid. The public does not want to hear about that sort of thing. And the author's readers do not want to hear about that stuff either."
"Readers?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I meant reader, of course."
"That's better."
"Okay, now we can fight."
"I know this is a weird movie, but I need a better reason than the script makes no sense."
"Well, I don't like you."
"Why not?"
"Because me and the other clones don't like it when strangers dressed all in black with sunglasses come up out of no where."
Just then, several Smiths with black suits and sunglasses appeared.
"I'm Smith clone extra #1."
"I'm Smith clone extra #2."
"I'm Smith clone extra #3."
"I'm Smith clone extra #4."
"And I'm Smith clone extra #67."
"Wait, you don't come in yet!"
"Oh, sorry. I thought it was my turn. Wearing sunglasses 24/7 kind of gives you bad eyesight."
"Yeah, I know, I crashed into a tree yesterday."
"Okay, let's fight!"
The Smiths ran up to him.
"I'm gonna get you!"
Crash!
"Maybe not!"
"Here I come!"
Smack!
"That was uncalled for!"
"Oh! Comin' from behind!"
Bash!
"I probably shouldn't have told you..."
"Oh! Here I go!"
Smash!
"Ooooooh nooo heeeeelp meeee Iiiiiiii'm faaaaalliiiing iiiiiin slooooow mooootiiiooon!"At that moment, Agent...Johnson? Jones? Thompson? Brown? Smith? Oh, wait, not Smith. Umm...one of those other guys.
Anyway, at that moment, one of the other agents heard Neo was in the Matrix, so he came up to try to help him. At first, he saw that every agent there was had heard Neo was in the Matrix, and they were all fighting him at once, but then, he looked closer at the faces of those agents, and saw what they all had in common.
"Oh my god...they're all wearing sunglasses! What a total clash! Like, call the fashion police!"
The one Smith who's kind of like the leader walked up to him.
"Wee-ooo-weee-ooo-weee-ooo, Agent Jones," he said.
He stuck his hand into Jones' stomach. Agent Smith began turning into a Smith clone.
"Why does this take so long?" asked Smith.
"Sorry, what? I was reading a magazine. Oh, here we go!"
Jones' mouth was now engulfed in the goo.
"Yes! Go! Go! Go! Turn into Jell-O! Turn into Jell-O!"
Jones turned into a Smith clone.
"Aww, crap! I can never get this trick right!"
"Hey, now I'm a Smith clone! Cool! Hey, wait a second, my hairline is reclining! Change me back!"
"No can do, Stu!" sang Smith. "Hey! I'm a poet, and I didn't even realize it!"
Meanwhile, the Smiths were in mid-fight with Neo. Neo was able to fend them off mostly, but after a second, he lost his guard, and a Smith knocked him into a bench.
"GASP!"
"You broke the bench!"
"City maintenance is gonna have to pay for that!"
Neo got up and ran over to a pipe sticking out of the ground.
"Wow! An oddly conveniently placed pipe! I'd better take it out of the ground!"
He started to.
"Hhhhgggghh!"
Nothing.
"Hhhrrrrrggghhh!"
Nothing.
"Man, this is taking a long time," said a Smith.
"Wait a second...hey, look over there!" yelled Neo.
"Where? Here?"
"Yes! There!"
Neo took out a pickaxe and began smashing away the ground around the pipe.
"I don't see anything."
"Keep looking!"
Chunk! Chunk! Chunk!
"What's that noise?"
"It sounds like a pickaxe against asphalt."
"Let's turn around."
"Oh, crap," said Neo.
"Hey! He's stealing our pipe!"
"Get him!"
Neo finally got the pipe out of the ground.
"This is for the pipe!" yelled a Smith as he ran forward. Neo smacked the concrete stuck on the end of the pipe into the Smith's face.
"Ow! My digitally super-imposed Hugo Weaving face!"
The Smith smashed into a brick wall.
"Oh...I'm so embarrassed! There goes my raise!"
Neo spun around the pipe a whole lot, then turn to the Smiths, paused, waited, waited, waited...waited...waited...waited...waited...waited...and then motioned towards the Smiths. They all ran at him at once. He jumped up into the air, and spun around with his pipe.
"Weeeee! I'm flying! I'm like a fairy! With my magical wand!"
He landed on the ground. He planted the pipe into the ground, and jumped up, and began spinning around horizontally, smacking all the Smiths in the face.
"Haha! I'm like the Wheel of Fortune! Hahaha!"
Neo jumped up and started running around on the heads of the Smiths.
"Aaaah! Get him off! Get him off!"
"Oh no! The ground is made of lava! I can't touch the ground! Oh no!"
He fell off after a few seconds. He got up, but two Smiths grabbed the pipe from him. They swung it at him, but he yelled, "Hey! Limbo!"
He leaned down and went under the pipe.
"How low can you go?"
He went out the other side of the pipe, and he started fending off Smiths again. But one of the Smiths knocked him over. All the Smiths started jumping on him.
"Haha! Doggie pile!"
"Doggie pile!"
"Doggie pile!"
"Doggie pile on Neo!"
"Hahaha!"
All of the Smiths were now on top of Neo.
"Ow! Ow! You're on my leg! You're on my leg!"
"Hey, guys, get up! I can't breathe!"
"It is inevitable, Mr. Anderson!"
"Smith, last time you said my death was inevitable, you got hit by a train."
Smith paused, and then quickly looked around.
"Ha! There aren't any train tracks around here! It is inevitable!"
"Er...uh...well...I have cooties!"
"YOU HAVE COOTIES? AAAH!"
All the Smiths immediately dived away from Neo in horror of getting cooties.
They all landed painfully.
"Hey! I broke my $200 sunglasses! You're paying for that!"
The Smith ran up to Neo with a bill.
"No way I'm going through all the trouble of stealing $200 dollars from Morpheus."
He paused.
"Well, again, I mean."
Neo quickly flew off.
"You copyrighted technique infringer! DC'll be on you like Bill Gates on a small computer company!"
But Neo was already gone. The Smiths exchanged glances.
"Well, what do we do now?"
"We could have a party."
"Yeah! A party!"
"What kind?"
"An Agent Smith Lookalike Party!"
"Yeah!"
All the Smiths started walking away. Except for the main Smith. He stayed there, thinking about how he could catch Neo next time he flew away.
"I bet if I jumped high enough...oh, screw it."
Author's Notes: I need your feedback, dudes! Please review!