Author's Notes: Hey! I remember this story from a couple of years ago! Well, it seems that way, anyway. Sorry for the delay. Oh, and HyperMew, you don't have to sign your reviews "-TEF" anymore. I know who you are.

Chapter 5: The Merovingian

Neo had just escaped from the Smiths, and was now back on the Nebucadnezzar.

"Neo, what happened?"
"It was Smith."
"There was more than one of them?"
"Oh, jou'd bettah believe it, man."

"How?"
"He's found a way to copy himself."
"How?"
"Well, duh! He's a computer program! Copy and paste!"

"Oh, right."
"Well, anyway, he tried to do that to me."

"Whoa! What happened?"
"I dunno, but when he did it, I felt like I was back in that hallway, and I was dying…and I was stealing the numbers off doors to confuse the mailman."

Meanwhile, in the Council Hall, in Zion, Lock was explaining Zion's terrible situation.

"The machines are tunneling to avoid the security system, but to do so, they have to go through the pipe line system. I believe we can intercept them there."
"Uh-huh."
"I need the council's verification to do this procedure."

"Whatev."

"Cool."

"Hey, yo, what's the dilly-yo on the Neb, y'all?"

"N2M, G-Homey."

"Well, send someone out to find it."
"We can't lose another ship!"
"Yes, we can."
"No, we can't!"
"Physically, we can. We shouldn't lose it, but we can."
"Um…"
"You were wrong! HA!"
"Oh, god."
He began to sing.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm smarter than you are! I am so super-intelligent! I-N-T…L…et cetera…"

"Seriously, we really can't afford to lose another ship!"
"Don't make me sing the song again."
"Fine…we shouldn't afford to lose another ship."

"I know, but…it's my decision, not yours, so ha-ha-ha!"

"Crap."
"Well, who's brave enough to send their ship to go get the Nebucadnezzar?"

A man in the audience stood up.

"I volunteer!"
"You volunteer to go on a mission that will have you stuck in the Matrix for weeks, that you might not return alive from?"
"Um…what?"
"Alright! Volunteer number one!"

"NO!"

"Number two? Anybody?"

In the audience, Bane leaned forward to the guy in front of him.

"I think we should volunteer."
"I don't."
"Boo!"
"What happened to your voice? It's all…weird. Like your trying to speak American when you're really English."
"Oh, well, um…I didn't think anyone would notice that my voice has suddenly changed…I guess Smith did a bad job Photoshop-ing him onto me…"
"Smith? You mean, Agent Smith? What about him?"
"Look at neuralizer, please."
FLASH!

AS IN, 'I WISH I KNEW HOW TO USE FLASH!'
Niobe stood up.

"I volunteer, too!"
Hamann began to yell annoyingly like an auctioneer.

"I GOT ONE VOLUNTEER ANYTHING ELSE I GOT A VOLUNTEER DO I HEAR TWO HOW ABOUT A THREE NO I DON'T HERE A THREE ANY TWO'S NO TWO'S AND IT'S SOLD! To Niobe!"

"Yay!"
"Court adjourned! Now, I'm gonna go get some cheesecake!"

Lock stormed up to Niobe.

"How could you do that?"

"Easy. Like this: 'I volunteer, too!' See?"
"Oh, right."
"Hamann's right. You really aren't intligent."

"Hey! Were you insulting my intellectual capacity? Hey! 'Intellectual'! That's sounds like 'Intel'! I use an Intel Pentium 4 Processor in my computer! But it's a terrible computer! It's, like, Windows 98! It's so slow! It takes, like, an hour to load one page! And furthermore—Niobe? Niobe? Where'd you go?"

The Matrix

A Building Somewhere

A restaurant

Morpheus, Neo and Trinity walked down the hallway towards the entrance to the restaurant. They came up to a small Maitre 'd.

"Can I help you?"
"I don't know—can you?"

"Do you want me to?"
"What if we do?"

"Do you, or do you not?"
"Would you help us if we wanted help?"
"What's your favourite colour?"

"What?"
"I was just seeing how long we could answer questions with questions."
"I see."
"Yes, I can help you."
"We're looking for the Merovingian."

"Right this way."
Inside the restaurant, the Maitre d' led the three of them up to a long table at the end of the room. They sat down in front of it. A small man with a black blazer and a smug look on his face.

"Greetings! I am the Merovingian," he said to them in a thick French accent.

"The Mervo-Ginger Bread Man?"
"No. Merovingian."
"Oh."
"This is my wife, Persephone."

"Purple Phone?"
"No. Persephone."

"Oh."
"Anyway, what did you want to ask me?"

"We want to know about the Keymaker," said Morpheus.
"Who's that?" asked Neo.
"Neo, you don't know who the Keymaker is?"
"No! I don't! No one's mentioned it before!"

"Hmm…you're right. Stupid plot holes."

"Hey, has anyone noticed how long the author's gone without any actual text?"
"Hey, you're right! It's just been dialogue for, like, 15 lines!"
"Well, I'm going to end it right now," said the Merovingian. "And now, I shall go into an excessively long speech about that girl over there who I would really like to screw."
"Oh, here we go…" muttered Neo. "Another long, boring speech…why do they always happen to me?"

"Well, see that woman over there? My god, isn't she hot? Man, I just want to go over there and—"

"You know, I am right here," said Persephone.

"I know, I know, but still! Man, she's so hot! I mean, look at her! You just know those two dudes at that table are totally turned on. And a few people at this table, too…" he added with a sly smile.

Trinity looked around nervously.

"She's going to receive a special dessert today. I wrote it myself."
A waiter walked up to her and set down a slice of chocolate cake. She began to eat it.

"First, a rush... heat... her heart flutters. You can see it, Neo, yes?"

"I'm not even listening anymore. I tuned out after 'Well'."

"Well, I don't care. Anyway, time to say my big speech."

He inhaled deeply.

"She does not understand why—is it the wine? No. What is it then, what is the reason? And soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself. This is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control. Causality."

"Sentence fragment!" yelled Agent Johnson.

"There is no escape from it; we are forever slaves to it. Our only hope, our only peace is to understand it, to understand the 'why.' 'Why' is what separates us from them, you from me. 'Why' is the only real social power, without it you are powerless. And this is how you come to me, without 'why,' without power. Another link in the chain."

The Merovingian began gasping for breath.

"Man…that took…a long time…to say…eh, Neo?"
"Man, what is it with you computer programs and using words that I've never heard of? With the Merovingian, it's 'causality'! With the Architect, it's 'concertedly'! With Smith, it's 'purpose'! God!"

The Merovingian picked up his glass of wine and looked at it for a second.

"This is such great wine… Château Haut-Brion, 1959. I love it. I love the French language, too. Especially cursing in it. Si tu peux comprend le Français, tu sais que je ne dit pas les jurons. Enfer, si tu comprend le Français, c'est comme je parle danse une langue sècret. Mais, probablement, personne qui lire ca comprende le Français. I bet no one understood that."
"Nope!" said Neo.

"Nope!" said all of my readers.

"Anyway, I have the Keymaker, and there's nothing you can do about it! Nyaah-nyaah! Well, this place is boring. I'm outta here."

"Where are you going?"
"I drank to much wine, and now I am going to swear, just to make me sound intelligent, and now I have to take a piss."

"Oh."

One of the Merovingian's (thank you, copy and paste!) assistants reached to help up Trinity from her chair.
"Touch me, and that hand will never touch anything again."

The guy still reached for Trinity's shoulder. As soon as he touched her, he exploded.

Author's Notes: I just always thought that's what would've happened.

"Well, that was cool," said Neo.

The three of them walked out and went into the hallway.

"That didn't go well," commented Neo.
"Yes, it did," replied Morpheus.
"No, it didn't!"

"Yes, it did!"

"No, it didn't!"
"Wanna bet?"

"You're on!"

"It went well because if it went any other way we would be dead!"
"Um…crap."
"HA! Pay up!"

"Are you sure the Oracer didn't say anything else?" asked Trinity.
"'Oracer'?"

"Oh, sorry, I meant 'Oracle'. I've been spending too much time with Seraph."
"I see. And no, the Oracle didn't say anything else."

"She didn't? Aww, man! I had a bet running with Morpheus!"

Trinity shoved money into Morpheus' hand.

"This is my lucky day!" said Morpheus.

Just then, Persephone came up in front of them.

"Hey, Purse Phone," said Neo.
"You want to have the Keymaker?"
"In what way do you mean?" asked Neo in an almost nervous voice.

"Follow me," she said. She led them into a men's bathroom. She turned to a guy in there.

"Get out!" she said in a very deep voice. She turned to the three of them.

"I've been practising my Donatella Versaci impression," she said. "Now, if you want the thing you desire, I need a favour."
"Uh-oh," said Neo. "It's that party at college all over again…"

"Kiss me."
"What?"

Just then, a car crashed through the window and Doctor Octopus came up, and—oh, wait, this is the Matrix 2, not Spider-Man 2. My bad.

"I just want a kiss. When me and that Mervi-guy whatever his name is got here, he was different. But now, he has changed. And I just want a sample of true love. Kiss me, like you would kiss her, and I will give you the Keymaker."
"I don't know…"
"Come on, Neo, it's your only choice," said Morpheus, who was at that moment, eating a bag of popcorn.

"You mean…I'm aloud to make out with this touch-tone chick?"

"Yeah, whatever."

"Yay!"
"Neo and Persephone began making out. After a few minutes, Neo drew back and said, "Wow! That was way better that what I normally get!"

Trinity glared at him.

"Now, Trinity, he was only doing what had to be done," said Morpheus, as he took a drink from his Coke bottle. "Focus!"

Persephone led the Neb crew through a secret passageway or something like that I can't remember to a room with some bookshelves and two guys watching a movie.

"Hey, Persephone," said one of them.
"Who is it?" asked the other, not taking his eyes from the T.V.

"It's Persephone."
"Wasssaaap!"

"Hey, pick up the other line!"

"WASSSSAAA!"
"WAASSSSAAAA!"
"AAAAAH!"
"AAAAAAAH!"
"Okay, seriously!" yelled Persephone. "This joke is not funny anymore! The only reason Radioactive uses it is if he can't think of any other jokes! And to all the readers out there, if you're laughing at this, then you'd better book a Cat Scan as soon as possible, 'cause something must be wrong."

"Yeah, you're right, I'll stop it."

"Okay, good. I'm gonna shoot you now."

"Wait—what?"

BLAM!

"Ouch."
"Okay, now, other guy, go tell Mervo-guy what I did."

"Okay!"

He ran off.

"Now," said Persephone, "I will show you through the kitchen to a secret dungeon or something the author can't remember."

And they did so and they went into a weird dungeon and opened that door and they were then in that room with all the keys and that creepy guy sitting at the table.

"Hi. I'm Neo."

"……grumble grumble……"

"What?"
"…grumble…mumble grumble…"
"What?"
"I said, 'I'm the Keymaker. I've been expecting you.'"

"Oh."

"Grumble."

Neo eyed the Keymaker strangely.

Then they went into that fancy room with the stairs and all the convientley placed weapons. The Merovingian stormed in with some other guys.

"How could you do this to me?" he cried.

"Just like you said, Merv. Causality."

"There is no cause for this!"
"What about the lipstick?"
"Lipstick? Ha! There is no 'lipstick'!"

"She was not kissing your face."

"OooooOOOOOOoooo!" yelled a Jerry Springer-esque audience.

Persephone walked off, while Morpheus and Trinity ran off with the Keymaker.

"Creepy guys with braided hair," said Merv. "After them. Guards, take care of trenchcoat man over here."
Neo turned to all the guys.

"Whoa."

They ran up to him and started fighting. Neo defeated them all (what a surprise) but at one point, he got his hand cut by an axe.

"Owie! Owie! I got a paper cut! I need a Band-Aid! Owie-owie-owie!"

"See? He's just human. Kill him!"

They ran up. They fought. He won. It's hard to make these scenes funny.

"Mark my words, boy, and mark them well!" yelled Merv. "I have survived your predecessors, I will survive you, and this entire remark is way too cliché!"

"I agree."

Merv ran out through the door. Neo opened it up. It was the door to Bill Gate's house.
"Oh, hey, Neo! You're just in time to get a haircut with me!"
"NOOOOO!"

Neo slammed the door and re-opened it.

"Hey! I'm in the mountains!"
"Hey!" said Link. "You're in the mountains!"

"I know. I just said that."
"Sorry."

"S'okay, my 'dawg!"

"Sweet!"

Meanwhile, in a…parking garage…

Trinity and Morpheus were fighting off the Twins. After a few seconds, Morpheus was able to distract the Twins enough for Trinity and the Keymaker to get into the car.

"Morpheus, quick! Get into this Cadillac Avalanche!"

"Coming!"

Morpheus dived towards the open window.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!"

"Why are you jumping so slowly?"
"Draaamaaatiiiiic eeeffeeect," he explained.

"Oh."
Morpheus got into the car, and the car took off.

"There's only one thing that we could catch up to that Cadillac Avalanche…a Cadillac Escalade!"

The Twins got into the Escalade and began chasing the Avalanche.

"But Morpheus," cried Trinity. "You're going on to the freeway!"
"I am? Oh, crap, I must've taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. I just know this will result in millions of dollars of special effects for a 7-minute scene."

Author's Notes: Once again, very sorry about the delay. Next time (in a few months) the Freeway chase. Oooh!