Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or any of the characters from the show. If I did, this would be on TV and not on the internet.

Help Me

Chapter One

At approximately 11 AM, Gil Grissom's doorbell rang, ripping him from his slumber. Wearily, he managed to drag himself out of the comfort of his bed to answer the door. The sight that met his groggy eyes threw him off. Standing on his doorstep was a very disheveled and upset looking Sara Sidle. He stood aside and she moved wordlessly into his house. He closed the door and spun around to find her flopped on his couch.

"Sara, are you okay?" a very tired Grissom asked.

"No," came the weak response.

Grissom was unsure of what to do. His mind was still in a sleepy fog. He stood for a moment, very uncertain of what to do before moving to sit across from Sara.

"Want to tell me what's wrong?" he asked softly.

Sara swallowed the lump in her throat, "Gris, I just, I hate my life. I wish I could just crawl into a hole and die right now."

Grissom was shocked, "What?"

"I don't want to live anymore," Sara began to sob.

Grissom's mind was spinning. He moved to sit next to Sara on his couch. He stared into her eyes and saw that the fiery passion that had once been in them had been replaced with a sad, lifeless look. The look was so frighteningly dull that Grissom's heart broke for her. He gathered her into a comforting hug. She leaned into him and cried on his shoulder, letting sobs rack her body. She wasn't really sure why she turned to him of all people, but she was glad that he wasn't forcing her to talk right now. It was as if Grissom could read her thoughts and just silently let her cry.

When she was finally able to stop, she sat up and wiped the tears from her face. Grissom studied her face as she was preparing herself to speak. Her once sparkling brown eyes were now dull and lifeless. Her once bright smile was rarely seen in recent months. Thinking back on it, Grissom had noticed changes in Sara's manner for months, but tried to deny that anything was wrong.

"Sara, can you tell me why you are here?" Grissom asked.

"I would rather not," Sara turned away.

"You are the one who showed up on my doorstep," he reminded.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," she sighed.

"Come on Sara, you must have come to me for a reason," Grissom prodded.

"I. I can't even bring myself to say it," Sara looked into his eyes, trying to read him.

"Take your time," he tilted his head, "I can tell this is going to be hard for you."

Sara swallowed, "I do want to explain, but I don't know if I can bring myself to tell you. I know it will make you mad."

Grissom replied with silence. Sara leaned back heavily onto the couch and closed her eyes. She could feel his eyes on her.

"My life's been in a downward spiral for quite a while," Sara broke the silence, "I'm sure you saw it happening, like that night you picked me up when I'd nearly been arrested for DUI."

"I did see that you were in trouble, but I thought you were tough Sara, I thought you could handle this by yourself. I was wrong, I should have had more of a talk with you after I took you home, but no I just let you push me away and take that time off," Grissom shook his head.

"It's not your fault. I should have asked for help sooner, I should never have let myself sink as low as I did," Sara said angrily.

"I sense that there is more to your story," Grissom stated more as a question.

"I wish I could say that was my low point and from there I picked up the pieces of my life and cleaned myself up. But I actually sunk lower than that. I went back to California for a week in the time I took off. There was this one night...when I truly hit my low point," Sara slid to the far end of the couch, not wanting to look at him.

"What happened?" Grissom questioned gently.

Sara sighed heavily, "I went out to this bar. I got really drunk and this guy started talking to me. I thought he was pretty nice. So when it came time for me to leave, I knew I was in no shape to drive myself. He hadn't been drinking, so when he offered me a ride, I agreed."

"Sara," Grissom scolded.

"Let me finish. I know I'm stupid. I am such an idiot. Because just giving me a ride home is not what he had in mind," Sara paused, "he got me in the car and I must have fallen asleep. Next thing I knew, we were outside the city somewhere. It was dark and I was freaked out. I jumped out of the car, but I stumbled over something and twisted my ankle. He jumped on me and I tried to fight him off. But Gris, I was so drunk. I couldn't fight like I should have been able to."

Grissom looked fearfully at Sara, knowing where she was leading. She was breathing hard and trying her best not to face him. He just sat speechless and let her finish her story in her own time. Sara stood up suddenly and started to head for the door.

"SARA! Where are you going?" Grissom chased after her.

"I need to go home. This was a mistake," Sara reached for the door.

Grissom grabbed her arm, "Sara, calm down please."

"Let go of me!" Sara slapped Grissom angrily.

He stepped back in shock, a hand held up to his cheek in surprise. It wasn't so much that Sara had hit him hard, it just caught him completely off guard.

She froze as well, "Grissom. I...sorry. I didn't mean to hit you. I just. You grabbed me and I freaked out. I am sorry."

"It's all right Sara, you didn't hurt me," he stepped aside so she could re-enter the living room.

Tears stung at Sara's eyes, "See, I don't even know what's wrong with me anymore. I can't control myself. I can't believe I hit you."

"It's really okay, I promise. I just want you to tell me what happened because I think I know what you are leading up to," he sat her down gently.

Sara sniffled, "I fought him as well as I could in my drunken state, but he overpowered me. He...oh God. It's all flooding back to me now, the horrifying images."

Grissom took her hands in his own, "It's okay. You can tell me. Just don't rush yourself."

Sara grabbed at the box of Kleenex sitting on his coffee table and wiped the tears from her face, "He proceeded to r-rape me. God, I hate that word. I hate myself. I should have been able to fight him off. I should have been smarter than that. For God's sake I'm a CSI. I see things like this all the time and I'm so stupid I let this happen to myself. I hate him too. If I was sober I would remember what he looked like. But even now, I can see everything except for his face. Now I know this next part will make you angry with me, but please just let me try to explain. I was so freaked out, I just found my way to a gas station and had them call me a cab. I must have looked suspicious, but at that point, I just wanted to get to my hotel. I took a shower because I felt so dirty. Then I slept and in the morning it hit me that I destroyed evidence. I should have reported it to the police the night before, but my mind was clouded. The police did their investigation, but there was not a whole lot that they could do. I ruined the evidence. No one at the bar had seen the guy with me because we had been sitting in a dark corner near the exit. So I made sure that this news wouldn't get back to Vegas because I was so embarrassed at how I'd acted. I let myself be raped."

"Oh Sara," Grissom sucked in his breath sharply, "I had no idea that happened to you."

"That's not even the end of it," she looked up, her eyes filled with a mixture of anger and shame, "I went to see a doctor after I got back here and I discovered that I was pregnant with that bastard's baby."

Grissom was dumbfounded, "What? How?"

Sara continued, "So for the past few months I've been trying to hide it. And wrestling in my mind over what to do. I really don't want a baby. Not this way anyway. But I know I can't go through with an abortion. I'd be too guilty. I'm so stupid. I wish I could die."

"Sara, don't say that. You were raped. That is horrible. And you have been put in a terrible position, one I'd never wish on my worst enemy. But don't talk like that. You have so much to live for. You obviously do want to live if you took the trouble to come to me," Grissom told her.

"But what am I supposed to do? I can't raise a child by myself," Sara collapsed onto the couch.

"What about adoption? I'm sure there are plenty of couples out there who would love to get a baby," Grissom suggested.

"Maybe. That is probably the best idea. It means going through the pregnancy though. But what about work? I don't want to answer all the questions that there are bound to be," Sara buried her face onto Grissom's shoulder again.

"If you decide to go through with it, I'll help create a cover story, then I'd be willing to give you lots of time off work," Grissom offered.

"I don't know. I need to think about this," Sara mumbled into his shirt.

"Sara, this isn't your fault," Grissom stroked her hair.

"It is my fault! I was stupid and drunk. I let a man take control of me. If I hadn't been drinking, this would have never happened," Sara growled.

Grissom sighed, "I don't know how to convince you that this is not your fault. But it isn't, Sara."

"Say that all you want, but I'm an idiot," Sara pulled away from him.

"Don't call yourself names, this is getting us nowhere. Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked.

"Because I was ashamed of myself. And I knew you'd be mad that I screwed up any chance of the guy being found," Sara sighed, "but I'm scared too. I'm scared, ashamed and upset all at the same time. I'm so conflicted!"

"Whoa Sara, I'm not mad at you, what makes you think that?" he asked softly, "I am sure that you were very frightened and in turn, didn't think things through like you should have. All of us lose our heads sometimes. Don't let this guy have such an effect on you."

"How can I not?" came the reply.

"I don't know. But the Sara Sidle I know is tough, she doesn't let anyone effect her like this," Grissom offered.

"Yes I do," she spat.

"What do you mean?" Grissom was confused.

"I let you effect me," Sara turned away, "I let your rejection set me into this spiral."

Grissom was taken aback, "I... I'm sorry Sara. I didn't know I had that much of an effect on you. I didn't think I was that important to you."

"Well you are Gris, and now you know it," Sara started to cry again.

"Don't let me have that effect on you Sara, I'm just a foolish old man," Grissom said.

"I just wish I hadn't let my life get so out of hand," Sara sobbed.

"Well I'm here to help you get things back under control," Grissom said firmly.

"Thanks, I need lots of help," Sara scooted back closer to him.

Grissom put his arm around her in a protective fashion. He began to gently rub her back in an attempt to calm her down. He could tell she was still very upset. Sara leaned heavily upon Grissom and was glad for his just letting her cry on his shoulder. Sometimes she truly loved Grissom for being so understanding and for knowing just what he needed. Grissom found his remote and turned on the TV to some old murder mystery.

Sara turned to face the TV and sort of chuckled, "You really want to watch this?"

"What?" Grissom was confused, "what's wrong with it?"

"Because we solve murders and stuff for a living," Sara said.

"So? I like these kind of movies," Grissom said defensively, "besides, I like to pick out the little inaccuracies in their investigations."

Sara shook her head in slight amusement. Grissom was a true nerd sometimes, but then she supposed, that was part of his charm. She felt safe with his arm around her, his warm body next to hers. She slowly drifted off to sleep with Grissom absently rubbing her shoulder. Grissom fell asleep shortly after Sara did, his mind racing over the night's events.

A/N: I decided that it would be a good idea to try and re-write the first few chapters of the story and I changed some of the details a bit. Please let me know if the new version story is an improvement.