I wake up the next morning, half under Heero. He's warm and his weight feels like heaven on top of me. I know I love him. I have forever. I can't resist placing a soft kiss on his jaw, inhaling the scent of him, memorizing it.
I rest my head back down on the pillow, daring to wrap my arms around him. He moves slightly and I freeze. I peek up at him and meet sleepy blue eyes. He smiles at me and brushes my bangs out of my eyes.
"Morning." my voice is slightly stilted and I wish that it wasn't.
"Mmmm, good morning." Heero stretches a little and my arms drop to my sides. They itch to wrap around him again but I pretend they don't.
He stays where he is and I wait for him to get up so that I can get up as well. He snuggles back down against me and closes his eyes as he rests his head on my chest. He looks adorable, beautiful.
My mouth opens and closes as I struggle for something to say, "Ne...Heero?" Okay, I know, not the most profound thing to say but it's early in the morning!
He makes a noncommital sound to let me know he is listening so I continue, "Heero, are you going to let me up?" He shakes his head mutely and his hair tickles my chin. "Why not?" I ask, trying to not get frustrated. Maybe he just isn't that awake yet.
"Because you're safe." he mumbles into my shirt and I bend my head to make sure I'm hearing this correctly.
"Excuse me?" I croak out of my too-tight throat. If he means what I think he means, then he is the most amazingly wonderful man I have ever known.
He repeats it and I think my jaw dropped because he pushes it up with one finger and lifts his head to meet my gaze, "Duo, you slept better the last two nights than you have in months. So did I. You feel safe with me and I feel safe with you. So I thought we could just stay here like this until we have to get up. Is that ok with you?" He sounds almost irritated with me.
"I make you feel safe? Do you mean you can't sleep like I can't?" My mind races. Can he possibly be going through what I'm going through? Does he know? My heart thuds painfully in my chest. He said before that he understood. But you can't understand stuff like this unless you go through it. I want him to know, oh God, just to understand, to feel what I feel and to know I'm not alone. I nudge him up a little so I can scoot down and be face to face with him, "Do you...do you see what I see?" His eyes are soft, warm, and they seem to glow in the dim light of morning. He takes my hand where it rests on my stomach and tangles his fingers with mine.
He presses our intertwined hands to his chest and locks eyes with me, "Not when you're in my arms." My eyes close and I let out one trembling breath. Yes, oh yes, he does. He understands.
I open my eyes to see him smiling gently at me. I smile back, to be honest, I must be grinning like an idiot. Understanding is a powerful, wonderful thing. But there is just one more thing I need to find out, to declare out in the open, need for him to know and share.
I decide to be blunt because he seems to prefer bluntness to skirting issues.
"Heero, I'm homosexual. Do you know what that means?" He raises an eyebrow and his tongue slides out to pull my finger into his mouth.
"Oooh..." I clear my throat. Focus Duo, you need to focus, "Okay, that clears that up. Guess that answers question number two?" He suckles my finger and I try to ignore the burst of feelings pooling in my stomach and forge on, "if we decided to have a relationship..."his eyes light up and I was nearly dazzled by the emotions in them as the indigo seemed to glow and darken at the same time, "then it has to be equal. You can't do everything and I can't either. I refuse to use you as a crutch to get sleep, to not really have an emotional relationship and just have a physical..."
He nibbles on my finger with his teeth and I nearly lose my train of thought. But Duo Maxwell is a pro at talking and I continue after a moment, "I need to know if you feel anything for me besides safeness and attraction. Because if not, then I'm going to get up from this bed," It hurts to even think about it but I force myself to say it, "and forget we ever talked about this."
He lets my finger go and the blow is crushing, to know what I've just lost as I wait for him to help me out the door. My hand flops back onto my stomach and curls tightly into a ball. But he doesn't move to get up only slides closer to me so we touch from shoulder to toe and he looks at the ceiling, thinking.
"I don't know where to begin." he says, quietly, "From the moment we met, you've made me feel things that I've never felt before. Things that Doctor J told me was wrong and useless but I liked them anyway. You joked with me, teased me, worried about me, saved me...you were the first friend I've ever had. Hell, you even shot me. It was everything rolled into one perfect person. But I never acted like I needed you or wanted you or told you how amazing you are. It was a battle to even admit to everyone just that we were friends. So I retreated into myself to work through my training to try and reach you."
He pauses to retrieve my hand and slide his fingers between mine, forming a solid bond between us, "I waited up for you after every assignment, I watched over you until you came back to me only to watch as you slowly fell apart more and more. Just like me. I heard you talk to your demons the way that I talked to mine. An endless battle that I knew I couldn't win by myself. And then that night when I walked in on you and you looked . . ."
He stopped, searching, "defeated, frightened, lost. I couldn't stand it anymore! Screw Doctor J, screw the rest of them, screw Oz and screw the rest of the world." He sits up, turns to face me as I follow suit, "You need me, Duo Maxwell. And I need you, more than anything. You forced me to live, forced me to feel. You, even thinking of you, knowing you were in the next room feeling what I was feeling, helped me to battle against the guilt and the demons. I know you felt something that night in my arms because as soon as I touched you, it helped you, it broke through the demons and the memories just as touching you stopped mine in their tracks. You opened up my heart, Duo. It belongs to you, Duo. No."
He shakes his head roughly, "Not just my heart, I belong with you. We belong together." his voice drops to a gruff whisper; a plea and it nearly breaks my own heart, "don't hurt me; don't hurt us. Don't be afraid to love me. Let me save you the same way you saved me."
My heart stops and starts again as he speaks and I open my mouth to answer him when I pause. I listen in the back of my mind, all around me, waiting to hear the demons. But they are silent. I clear my throat, make sure I can speak, "You already have." I wrap my arms around him tightly and he embraces me, holds me just as tightly, "I've loved you forever." he pulls back for a second, opens his mouth to say something when the door slams open.
"Breakfast!! Come and get it boys!" Quatre's excited call echoes loudly in the silent room as he finds us on the bed, wrapped around each other. His face breaks out into a huge smile and thrusts his head back out the door, "Trowa! Wu Fei! Come here!" I groan and Heero chuckles as the two come racing down the hallway.
Trowa and Wu Fei push their way in the door, looking frantically for the problem before Wu Fei spies us on the bed. He nudges Trowa who turns and stares at us blankly. Poor guy, I think he's a little stressed.
Wu Fei bursts out laughing at Trowa's expression and, shaking his head, turns to walk out the door. Trowa continues to stare at us so I smile and wave jauntily. He blinks, heaves a sigh, and grabs Quatre's hand. He throws us a wink as he tugs Quatre out the door. "Wu Fei? Grab the car keys, we're getting donuts."
Quatre continues to smile at us as he is pulled out the door, "It's about time you two got together. I'll be right back with break-wait a second! Trowa! We can't go get donuts! I made pancakes!"
Trowa stops at the distressed noises Quatre is making and turns to look at him, "No, love, you made weapons. We're getting donuts."
And we wait for them to leave, chuckling as Quatre's voice floats up the stairs, "My breakfast, Tro! They need sustenance! I can give it to them, really!"
I turn back to Heero, snuggle against him as we lay back down for a few minutes before the guys get back. We lay quietly, basking in the silence.
The complete silence.