Part 2

No song for this part...simply a continuation of the first part. These are Sam's thoughts looking back on the events of Part 1.

I get no money for this. Don't sue.

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Seeing her before I left was the hardest goodbye. It was almost surreal that the one person who would make me miss DC the most was a republican. A conservative, ERA-despising, gun protecting, pro-death penalty republican woman. Maybe it was the woman part more than it was about the republican part. I don't know how it has been five months and we haven't spoken.

I'm sitting here nursing a beer in the safety of my living room listening to the rain of a late spring shower hitting the roof, and I can't get her out of my mind. Maybe it's the song on the radio playing low in the background. In thinking back over the last few months, I could remember any number of important meetings or rallies, but she is always the first thing that comes to mind.

I lost the congressional race, but decided to stay put in California, prepare for the next time by getting more integrated back into the California DNC. She never sent a consolatory note telling me the same thing that everyone else told me over and over again. "You'll get 'em next time." No, it was silence from her, which, in and of itself, is nothing short of miraculous.

She had always been there...all the times I needed her. With my father, the MS, my ex-fiancée, and a possible congressional seat, she was there. When my thoughts come here, I always feel a twinge of guilt. The only times we slept together was when something happened, for the better or worse, in my life. I was selfish in our...whatever.

I never asked what was going on in her life. I never took the time to let her know that it was not just about the sex for me. I never told her how I really felt. She probably thought that it was just a comfort to me. But she never said anything. It hurts me to think that she doesn't know the truth.

I think I began to feel it the second time we made love. Yes, I was distracted by the events of that dark time in the administration, but I found that she became more of a rock for me that time. It was a time when she could easily head for the hills running toward the closest republican trench, but she didn't. She took me back to her apartment and held me and made me feel like it was all worth it.

I knew that she didn't want to be a part of a big political scandal, so I pushed my feelings aside, and carried on at work like normal. I eventually pushed those feelings so far back that I forgot about them. With the campaign and all that went on with that, it was easy to do.

I forgot about them until a few days after the special election. I was on the back porch of my condo, staring out at the Pacific. I was alone. A few days before, I'd had film crews following my every move, now I was just old news. Some guy who had a better than average democratic showing in a district that will probably never change.

I realized then that I missed her more than any of the others. They are my family, but she...she's more than that. I felt we made an undeniable connection that that somehow, I had been able to deny. She might not feel the same, though. She probably just sees me as some guy who used her to forget how screwed up his life was. Maybe that's how it started for me, but certainly not how it is now.

I've wanted to call her several times since then, hell, I've even picked up the phone and punched in most of the numbers, but I can't bring myself to finish dialing. She's doing some really great things at the White House; I know that she belongs there. She's in her element. I don't want to screw any of that up.

I haven't told anyone, not even Josh about the way that I am feeling. I smile a bit as I think of his reaction. He'd look at me like I was crazy at first, then he'd laugh his head off, followed by an apology and then he'd tell me to call her.

I really should...she shouldn't have to feel like I used her. She should know the truth. The truth is I miss her more than I've missed anyone in my life.

I miss the smile that followed her normal wit. I miss that Southern drawl that now dominates my dreams. I miss the arguments. I miss her laughing at me when I screw up. I miss the taste of her and the noises she makes when I touch her. I miss the feel of her hands on my skin the next morning.

Then I got so caught up in what was happening to me...the opportunities I had. I was selfish.

Without much fanfare, tears pour out of my eyes and down my cheeks. What the hell? I'm not a crier. And it hits me. I can't live without her. I'm lonely here, she feels like I used her. I can't go on without her knowing the truth. I needed her, not simply as someone to sleep with, but as someone to just BE with.

I wipe the tears away and do what I have to do...