Within

By: eScapefreak

Kathryn has an encounter with someone from her past that has something he wants to say...

Thanks for the reviews. I hope this lives up to your expectations!

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I own heaps of Star Trek stuff but have no ownership over Voyager's intellectual property. Except for the things in my head I have no control over the characters or the show whatsoever. If I had, this story would not be necessary; they would have been together already! Star Trek: Voyager and its characters were created and controlled by others...

Within

Chapter Two: So Simple.

The conference room door chirped. Kathryn instantly sat up straighter and put the patented Star Fleet Admiral expression on her face. "Come," she said to the still closed door. Kathryn had no idea who could be on the other side of the door, but in those few seconds really did not have time to question it. 'Probably a junior officer still slightly hesitant to approach me,' Kathryn thought to herself with a grin in the microseconds before the door to the conference room swished open. After all she had a fierce reputation, but the conference room was a public area at Star Fleet Headquarters so there was no need to ask permission to enter unless a conference or important meeting was in progress.

The doors opened and a man stepped in. The expression of Admiralty decorum instantly left Kathryn's face and was replaced instead with a look of abject shock, her mouth hung open and her eyes remained glued to the man just inside the doorway. For a second her heart slowed and just as quickly started pounding in her chest. The man was dressed in trousers and a button down shirt, with brown hair and a two-day growth. He was an educated man who was inquisitive about the world around him, who had spirit. A man whose parameters had been changed to make him 3cms taller than his original programming.

For a moment the man just stared back at her, a small smile touching his lips. Then he simply said her name, "Katie."

"Michael... Michael Sullivan," Kathryn returned still unable to banish the look of utter disbelief from her face. "How, why?" Kathryn muttered to herself.

"Katie, Katie O'Claire, oh lass, I've been looking for you for a long time". Michael said looking deeply into her eyes.

Kathryn turned away from the man standing inside the door. Her mind was spinning. She had to take a moment to gather her thoughts. 'How was this possible? He's a hologram he is not real. Maybe...' Kathryn snuck a glance over her shoulder to check for a Mobile Emitter. As she scanned his form for the emitter she realised how attractive she still found him, not a touch on Chakotay, but still. 'Hang on wait a moment, what am I thinking? I must be hallucinating?' Kathryn thought wildly to herself. 'No sign of the Mobile Emitter and that physical comparison between Michael and Chakotay, something is definitely wrong. Maybe something is wrong with the replicator and I have been drinking poisoned coffee?' Kathryn thought as by reflex she reached over to the now empty coffee cup instinctively seeking to calm her nerves with a hit of caffeine. Clutching the empty cup Kathryn took a deep breath in an attempt to calm her still racing heart and turned around to face Michael Sullivan hologram from the 'Fair Haven' program created by Tom Paris and previously her lover.

"Hello Michael," Kathryn said quite proud of the level timbre of her voice.

"Katie, I've been looking all over for you and now I have finally found you! " Michael exclaimed with a huge grin on his face as he walked forward and took the empty cup from her and placed it on the table. Michael reached out to grasp Kathryn's hands in his. "My Katie, these hands of yours are mighty cold," he said while rubbing both of her hands within his own.

In the midst of this exchange Kathryn's mind was again racing. She had to think of something to say. What should she ask him first, how he was here or why? "Michael, it is wonderful to see you again, but I don't quite understand," Kathryn countered, 'in more ways than one,' she thought to herself. "Why are you here?" she asked.

Michael tightened his grip on Kathryn's hands and said, "I've got something to tell you. But before we get to that I have to tell you how I came to be here with you. Do you remember the day we went on our picnic Katie?" Michael asked quietly.

A myriad of images flew through Kathryn's mind as she cast her thoughts back to that day she had spent with Michael in the hills of Fair Haven. Every detail of that day was crystal clear in her mind. The invigorating feeling of the walk up the hillside from the village. The simple but delicious picnic lunch the two of them shared in the long green grass of the hillside. And when they had finished eating the way they made love on the picnic blanket surrounded by the tall grasses of the gentle slope. The way if only for a moment she had let her inhibitions fall to the wayside and for the first time in six years she had acted totally as a woman, with desires and needs. Although she had still kept her keenest desire deep within herself this had been a defining moment for Kathryn. It was proof that she was more than the Star Fleet Captain, the role that she had to assume constantly since Voyager had left the Alpha Quadrant, with the exception of those few too short weeks she had spent on New Earth with Chakotay. It was proof that she was still able to act with passion, to give and receive pleasure in a sensual way, to be a lover, not just the woman who stood apart from the one she loved for the well being of her crew. This was the part of herself Kathryn had been unable to reach for so long and she had been beginning to wonder if she was even capable of such emotions anymore. She had kept so much suppressed, hidden, especially from the man who had spent so much time by her side. The man who meant so much to her, he was her keenest desire...'Chakotay.' The sudden change in her train of thought from Michael to Chakotay shook Kathryn out of her dazed state of remembrance and she turned to answer Michael's question.

"Yes, I remember," Kathryn replied with a slight blush to her cheeks.

Michael remembered that day too. How when he had woken from his slumber on the hillside Katie had been gone. How he had gone back down to the pub and waited in vain for her to return. The pain she had caused him... But that was past. He was not here for himself. He was here for something much more important, Kathryn's future.

"Remember before we went on our picnic Katie," Michael questioned. "We met your friend from the ship on the street. The one with the tattoo, Chakotay I think his name was," Michael finished.

"Yes I remember speaking with Chakotay on that day," Kathryn replied with a slightly curious expression on her face. "But what does that have to do with why you are here Michael?" Kathryn queried.

"Ah Katie, now that is a long story and we will get to that, but first let me tell you how I came to be here today," Michael sidestepped.

"Remember the storm that hit Fair Haven," Michael paused as Kathryn gave a slight nod of acknowledgement. "Well it was after that it all became clear to me," Michael went on.

"Maybe we should sit down before I go on," Michael asked leading Kathryn over to one of the chairs along the side of the conference room table and as she was seated quickly sat in the chair next to her, turning his chair to face hers.

"It was after that storm that I found out that I was not real, that Fair Haven was not real, well at least not in the context that I believed it to be, that it, all of it, including me were holograms!" Michael exclaimed.

Kathryn nodded at Michael's explanation, "I thought it might have been something like that when I first saw you," Kathryn replied. 'Maybe they have fitted this conference room with holo-emitters,' Kathryn thought to herself. Sensing that Michael had more to say Kathryn paused, "Go on," she said.

"Well after the storm I believe 'the program' needed to be repaired." Michael began. "The repairer turned out to be Tom Paris, he told me he was part of your crew, a Lieutenant, I think he said. Well at first I was all 'well I never' and then Tom began to explain things to me. How you were the Captain of this spaceship named Voyager and that you were far from home. He told me how you were constantly working to get them home. How you never gave up, always working towards that one goal, getting your crew home." Michael leaned back in his chair and smiled thoughtfully at his friend. "He also told me about what you sacrificed," he went on, "What you gave up for them. He told me about Chakotay..."

Kathryn averted her eyes for a second then looked back at Michael. "What about him...He was my First Officer. I was his Captain." She replied purposely ignoring the point she thought that Michael was trying to make.

"He was more than that?" Michael countered encouragingly.

"He was my friend!" Kathryn shot back defensively, hoping that Michael would just leave it alone. "What does he have to do with the reason you are here anyway?

"Oh everything Katie, everything." Michael replied calmly.

By now Kathryn had risen from her chair and was pacing a small path back and forth in front of the conference room doors. She now decided to use a different tactic, 'maybe Tom has not told Michael what I think he told him.' Kathryn thought. "So what exactly did Tom tell you about Chakotay?" Kathryn asked standing to face the hologram.

Michael still sitting at the conference table looked up at Kathryn and searching her eyes replied, "That Chakotay loved you and that you loved him."

Kathryn let out a small gasp before she regained her composure. Just what had her crew known about her feelings for Chakotay? 'Did they actually discuss it amongst themselves?' she frantically thought to herself. "Lieutenant Paris had no right to speak of my private life with you!" Kathryn burst out angrily.

"That may well be lass," Michael countered. "But that is not the point. The point," he continued, "is whether it is true. Do you love Chakotay?"

For a moment Kathryn stilled and closed her eyes and thought, 'Such a simple question, the answer just as simple, but then it gets complicated.' Images and feelings flooded her mind. The love she felt for Chakotay, the pain from constantly suppressing her feelings, having no one to confide in, no one to trust but him. 'How could I have told him? Admitted my feelings, when we both knew that we could not act on them. I was the Captain he was the Commander. We both knew what that meant.' Then the realisation hit her. 'If Chakotay knew how I felt and he felt the same way about me, why did he leave?' Visions from the past flew through Kathryn's thoughts, everyday moments, their time on New Earth, the special times they had shared as friends on Voyager. Then there were those moments when they had stood on the verge, so close to going further, so close to love and completeness, a shared future... When one of them had taken a step back, rebuilt the barrier between them. 'That one was usually me,' Kathryn thought with tears beginning to well in her eyes. 'Always the Captain...' The dreams that had been tormenting her sleep began washing back over her. Shared romantic dinners with whispered conversations and discussions that lasted late into the night sitting close on the sofa. Just doing everyday tasks around the ship with him by her side. Naked bodies intertwined, hungry kisses trailing down her face and shoulders, the feeling of her arms around him, his skin under her fingers, passion in his eyes, the love, trust and commitment they could have shared. Looking down at wide-eyed children with dark wavy hair and that infectious smile grinning up at them, a shared achievement. This had all been within her. She could have had this all with him, but instead she had repeatedly turned her love away and in the end he had given up asking. Chakotay had become weary of the task of winning her over, had been rejected one time too many and had left. She was so used to him pursuing her that she had not even tried to stop him. The answer was so simple, when the last barrier between them had been removed she had failed to make any move, she had simply let him leave without a word. Kathryn took a deep breath and opened her eyes to again look at Michael.

"Why is this so important to you Michael?" Kathryn asked him suddenly curious to his motivations.

"Oh Katie, that is an easily answered question. Because I care about what happens to you my girl. Before I found out about who I truly was I thought that I loved you. In my way I do love you. I know now that you could never be happy, complete with me, but there is someone you love who can make you happy. There is a man out there who can complete you, the man you love, Chakotay! But the stubborn woman you are is holding back. Why Katie, why?" Michael earnestly asked the woman before him. "Why when happiness was so close in front of you did you turn away? Why did you let him just walk away? Walk away from you. Why aren't you chasing after him and the life you could have now?"

Kathryn stood silent for a moment.

"I don't know." She said softly shaking her head slightly from side-to-side. "I've just held back for so long... I always knew where I stood; the parameters were firmly in place. I knew that we could never cross that line. But now... I guess I'm scared." Kathryn admitted her eyes downcast seemingly studying the patterns on the carpet.

It was so ironic. The woman who had led the crew of Voyager as they forded the frontier into the unknown of the Delta Quadrant was scared. She was the one who had been so brave, had given of her strength to the crew of her ship, who made them believe that all things were possible. Now she was unable to take that first step towards her own happiness.

"But Katie," Michael said walking forward to again grasp Kathryn's hands in his own. "Do you love him? Do you?"

"Yes. I love him. With all my heart." Kathryn admitted looking Michael directly in the eye drawing strength from the warm grasp of her friend's hands.

"Then it is simple." Michael replied. "You have to find him and tell him so! Go to him Katie!"

"Admiral, Admiral Janeway. Admiral." The voice of the Doctor became more insistent. "Admiral?" Having no success the Doctor decided to return to the tried-and-true. "Captain, Captain wake up!"

Kathryn woke with a start at the insistent sound of the Doctor's voice calling her. Lifting her head from the desk Kathryn looked at the face of the Doctor and then quickly scanned the Conference Room but Michael was nowhere to be seen. The coffee, tea and breakfast Danishes had been placed on a small table on the opposite wall of the room. Kathryn let out a small groan. She must have fallen asleep. It had all been a dream an illusion...

"Are you all right Admiral?" the Doctor asked concerned at the sound of the groan he had just heard coming from his former Captain.

Kathryn was about to reassure the Doctor that everything was fine when she stopped. No, she was no longer 'just the Admiral'... The dream must have been her mind's way of finally getting through to her. After all the sleepless nights and indecision she finally knew what she had to do. The internal battle was over. Kathryn finally began to truly acknowledge what she had known all along. Now Kathryn knew what she had to do. She had to do what Michael said. She had to go find Chakotay. To finally tell him, to speak the words of what they had both known for so many years, but that she had been too scared to say – that she loved him. That her life was with him, her home, her family, her future...

"No Doctor actually I'm not alright. There is something I should have done a long time ago. It is all so simple... Could you make my apologies for the meeting please? I have to go now..." Kathryn said gathering her personal effects but leaving the pile of padds on the table.

The Doctor stared at his former Captain curiously, unsure of what to say. "Of course Admiral..." he faltered.

Unexpectedly the Admiral came up and embraced the startled Doctor. "Thank you," she whispered softly in his ear. Then Kathryn headed briskly out of the door shoulders squared a determined look on her face.

"Where are you going?" the somewhat bemused Doctor called after the retreating form of the departing Admiral Janeway.

"To find Chakotay..." Kathryn called back to her friend smiling as she disappeared down the corridor as the doors swished closed behind her...

The End of Within Chapter Two – So Simple.

A/N: Stay tuned for Within Chapter Three – No Expectations where Kathryn goes to find Chakotay, hopefully coming soon. All comments most welcome.

Remember to keep reaching for the stars.

eScapefreak