Within
By: eScapefreak
Kathryn finds Chakotay...
Again thank you for all the encouraging reviews. Just a few notes I would like to make before I get started.
Due to the review of MistiWhiteSun I have changed my formatting technique slightly. Writing in shortened paragraphs and I have placed 'spoken' thoughts in italics. Tell me what you think. Is it easier to read than the previous chapters or the same?
I saw the episode 'Spirit Folk.' I must have missed it the first time I watched season six. It sort of changes my whole premise of Michael finding out he is a hologram. So I am adding an AU to my story description.
And lastly my promotion at work has finally come through and I will be moving and because of the change of job will be without Internet access until I buy a computer for my home. So please don't expect an update on this story until mid to late January to give me some time to adjust to my new surroundings.
Happy holidays everyone.
eScapefreak.
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I own heaps of Star Trek stuff but have no ownership over Voyager's intellectual property. Except for the things in my head I have no control over the characters or the show whatsoever. If I had, this story would not be necessary; they would have been together already! Star Trek: Voyager and its characters were created and controlled by others…
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Within
Chapter Three: No Expectations.
Chakotay suddenly looked up to gaze unseeingly at the sun. Through the trees on the far ridge he gazed towards it sitting low on the horizon in the late afternoon sky. He had been alone out here, but…
Now she was here.
He could feel her presence. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her in the distance standing on the ridge watching him.
Chakotay allowed himself a small sad smile; he had always been able to sense when she was near. It was as if she were part of his spirit, that one piece that made him whole, complete. The part that made his heart rise and soar-up into the brilliant blue sky as light as a feather. But she also took his spirit to the deepest darkest drowning depths of despair, heartbreak and loss, forever sinking like a stone.
'Kathryn.'
'How can you lose what you never truly had?' Chakotay thought reticently to himself.
He did not look directly towards her. She was here but he was still alone.
He wondered why she had come. He had no expectations. No hope. He had given up on that long ago. Given up on her. Given up on love. He questioned if he had ever really had it. He once thought he did; but he knew now he was wrong.
Continuing to gaze towards the disappearing sun Chakotay thought back to that day six months ago…
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As they made their triumphant flight back into the Alpha Quadrant Chakotay remembered standing there next to her on the bridge. Everyone had been smiling, laughing, happy. He was too, but for a slightly different reason than the others. Sure, he was as glad as the next crewmember to be back 'home' in the Alpha Quadrant.
But for Chakotay it was different.
For Chakotay the day held so much more. To him that day was the beginning of his future hope. It was the day when all of the parameters of his relationship with Kathryn would begin to change. It was the day when they could begin to become more than just Captain and Commander. The day his dreams would finally begin to become reality.
He was smiling so much his face was beginning to hurt. He remembered looking over and grinning at his Captain.
"Home." He had said looking deeply into her eyes.
But with that one word he meant more than a place; he was speaking of his life with her, where she could finally be free to be Kathryn, a place where they would never have to hold back. To him home was simply the place where she was Kathryn and he was Chakotay, no command structure, no Prime Directive, no need to worry about the greater good, simply two people. They had been travelling for seven years to reach it. But for Chakotay it had been beside him all along.
Kathryn smiled back at him. At the time he had thought he had seen the promise of his dreams fulfilled in the light shining from her eyes.
He was wrong.
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"Oh Kathryn."Chakotay whispered softly to himself.
Almost wistfully he remembered those feelings of ecstatic expectation at the thought of having all of his dreams become reality. Of being on the verge of something so wonderful, the life he had imagined so many times over the years of the long journey 'home.' The feeling of finally being able to take that final beginning step forward rather than the many steps he had taken backward, apart from Kathryn over their long journey.
The temporary warmth and joy that filled his eyes faded as he also remembered the day barely five weeks later when he had finally realised and all of his dreams had been shattered.
His eyes once again clouded with pain…
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It had surprised him but all of the bureaucracy surrounding Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant was over in a matter of weeks. Star Fleet had decided not to prosecute the Marquis element of Voyager's crew for the guerrilla war they had waged against the Cardassian's all of those years previously. Those who wished of the Marquis crew of Voyager were even offered the chance to retain the Star Fleet rank they had worked under all of those years in the Delta Quadrant. Even Captain Janeway's frequent 'bending' of the Prime Directive seemed to be receiving little or no reprimand from the Star Fleet head-brass.
This was above all of the expectations of the Voyager crew: a dream result - for everyone but Chakotay that is.
His dream was slowly being shattered.
Every day he waited for her and every day she failed to come.
In those first weeks he tried to keep up the traditions of their close relationship. Indeed they made several arrangements to share dinner together, but Kathryn always seemed to cancel on him at the last moment, always stating "Star Fleet Business" as the reason for her non-attendance. Other things seemed to take priority in her life.
At first he made excuses for her in his mind. There was a lot for her to do. He tried to rationalise her absence from his life. She was responsible for the actions of all of her crewmembers. Sure they still communicated, but hurried view screen hook-ups or quickly written notes did not match up to the constant interaction of being on Voyager together every day. Nor did they compare with the close relationship they shared as Captain and Commander. The weekly dinners they shared, sitting in their command chairs on the bridge or the private conferences they had in her Ready-room planning, strategizing or simply talking.
Then all of a sudden it seemed to all be over. The questions had stopped and everyone seemed to have begun their new lives back in their home Quadrant. She still had not come. Apart from official business he had not seen her at all. Had he been misreading the undercurrents of their relationship for all of these years? Surely she loved him as he did her; she wanted the life they could have together. Didn't she?
As the days moved on slowly he began to realise. She was not coming. She was never going to come. This dream was never going to come true. His keenest desire for all of these years, life and love with Kathryn was never going to be fulfilled.
But up until the last he still held a small grain of hope. He held the hope that she did love him the way he loved her and wanted as much as he to begin their lives together. And that soon she would somehow arrive on his doorstep ready for the beginning of forever.
Without Kathryn in his life Chakotay had no real connection to Earth and began making plans to leave. Soon the Earth media caught on to Chakotay's plans to lead a major anthropological expedition to the ruins of an ancient settlement on a small planet in the Bajoran system in the Gamma Quadrant. Public interest in the crew of Voyager was still high and the details of the expedition, including the date of its departure were widely publicised. Everyone wanted to know what the former Commander of Voyager was going to do next.
On the day the expedition was due to leave Chakotay was packed and ready to go early. It was five weeks to the day that the crew of Voyager had returned triumphant to the Alpha Quadrant after seven long years finding their way back. Five weeks since they had all returned 'home.' As he sat in the living room of his San Francisco apartment Chakotay realised he no longer had a 'home.' The only home he wanted was the one he could have with Kathryn. The word 'home' no longer had any meaning to him.
He remembered the last time he had seen her. It was only a few days ago at the ceremony where she had received her Admiral's rank bar. The official acknowledgement of all she had achieved as Captain of Voyager out in the wilds of the Delta Quadrant. He had watched her from across the room. As he watched he saw she was still the Captain he knew. Her gestures and expressions were familiar; he'd had to smile when he had seen her subtly fidgeting while looking so attentively at who ever was speaking as the long tedious speeches were given. At times he knew what she was going to say before she said it. She was still his Kathryn. But he knew now she never would be. The last he saw of her was when she was being whisked off to a private meeting of Star Fleet Admirals and she had shot him an apologetic glance as she had passed him on the way out the door. They had not spoken a word to each other all evening.
Chakotay rose from his seat on the sofa in his apartment and glanced over at the card she had sent him for the departure of his expedition.
"Good Luck.
Kathryn.
xx"
Was all it said. Slowly he walked over to it and held it in his hand. He hesitated for a moment and then slipped it into his bag.
"What am I waiting for?" he said frustrated.
He knew what he was waiting for. He was still waiting for her. He also knew she was not coming. He gathered his belongings and headed out the door. For a split second his determined stride faltered.
"Goodbye Kathryn." He whispered softly.
It was over. It had never really begun.
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The sun was beginning to sink below the horizon and darkness was starting to envelope the valley as Chakotay turned to enter his cabin. Soon Kathryn would make her way down from the ridge top. Ever the obliging host, Chakotay knew what she would want after her long journey and began to prepare a pot of hot black coffee…
The End of Chapter Three – No Expectations.
A/N: Stay tuned for Chapter Four – The World at Her Feet. Kathryn has found Chakotay and nothing can stop her dreams coming true, hopefully coming in mid to late January 2005. All comments most welcome.
Remember to keep reaching for the stars.
eScapefreak.