Session: 3

Name of Patient: Lord Voldemort

Date: July 13 , 11:30 pm.

Notes: I made a huuuge mistake of scheduling this appointment on Friday the thirteenth…..

11:35 Voldemort came in five minutes late today, because 'the security guards needed to be taught a lesson in discipline.' Poor Gerald and Jenkins……

11:36 Today we're going to try a new idea called Play Acting. I brought with me some muggle clothes, and passcards to a muggle shopping mall.. He's going to live an hour in the life of a muggle. This is going to be worth every gray hair he's caused me.

11:37 He doesn't seem to understand. I expllain that maybe if he learns how muggles live, he will not be as prone to hate them so. He says maybe if I stick my wand in my ear I can touch my brain.

11:47 It's taken ten minutes to persuade him to wear the clothes. He refuses to be seen in such 'a pathetic excuse for fashionable dayware in a public who should be bowing before me." I assured him that he would not be recognized, and that the clothes were indeed fashionable. Little does he know, but the pink plaid shirt is quite a good color for him.

11:49 Have taken away his wand. He looks spiffing in pink.

11:55 The Lord was absolutely terrified by the subway cars. He clung to my arm the entire way down, as if he was afraid of the millions of muggles as well. He wouldn't even take a nibble off the soft pretzel I bought.

11:56 After a mean spat with an elderly muggle, we secured our seats in the front. Our client seems unaware of the social blunder he made by refusing to allow the woman to sit there. She bashed him a few good ones upside the head with her walking stick before I managed to free another seat for her. Voldemort seems fascinated at how the cars can move underground, faster than a broomstick.

11:59 Arrived at the shopping mall a little later than expected. Voldemort was once again rather clingy as we fought our way up from the underground, and received a few kicks from the youngsters he tried to scare. I think this trip will deflate his super-villan ego a bit, if anything.

12:05 First stopped at a charming outdoor café for a bite to eat. He ordered lemonade with sprinkles, plus a hotdog with lettuce, pineapple, and spaghetti. When they told him they couldn't do that, he threw a fit, and we had to leave. (After paying for the broken table and water pitcher.) He now insists we buy an extra large muffin basket, because he is still hungry.

12:12 Bought Voldemort his muffin, and I couldn't help but remember the story 'If you give a moose a muffin', because indeed, he now demands he needs new clothes because he spilled his extra jam.

12:14 I'm in the largest clothing store I've ever seen. Must be as big as the Auror training room at the Ministry! Voldemort is running too and fro picking out clothes he wants to try on.

12:15 Unfortunatly he is doing this in the young womens department.

12:17 After assuring him that the sprakly blue halter top didn't suit him too well, I steered him towards the mens suits. He likes the ties, but insists he wear a skirt, scince pants are far too 'muggly'. I'm almost beginning to regret this outing.

12:18 Almost.

12:20 Brought him to an electronics store. I can't seem to get him away from the Play Station 2. He keeps saying 'just one more dead nun and I get an extra life!!!" Unfortunately for him, they are chainsaw weidling nuns, and he hasn't gotten to the flame thrower level yet.

12:25 After draggiing him away from the electronics store (and purchasing at least a dozen games) I decided it would be best to get on his good side, for he was looking murderous. (And an angry man in a yellow suit jacket and a green skirt is not someone to argue with.)

12:26 Brought him to the pet store. Cuuute!

12:28 Lord Voldemort finds the puppies satisfactory. He is in his glories, because it seems he's always wanted a puppy. Dr. Moore uncovers yet another amazing sign of nostalgic childhood memories!

12:30 Bought a small St. Bernard puppy, despite my protests. His name is (don't laugh) Bubbles Daffodil Riddle.

12:35 Had to make a run for it when Mr. Bubbles Daffodil Riddle relieved himself on a passing lawyer. Voldemort stopped and bought a pretzel for 'his precious' for 'a wonderfully heinous crime of vandalizing muggles.'

12:36 Voldemort hasn't the foggiest idea of what to do around women. Oddly enough, a young teenager approached him, looking almost as odd as he did (if it's possible) with purple hair, a cow shirt, and a rubbery orange skirt. She told him she liked his dog and that he was hot. After a few minutes of his inane babbling, she bowed deeply and kissed his hand. She was gone before I could get her name, but Voldemort was gaagaa for the rest of the way home.

12:40 I think this has been a valuable lesson for me, and for the Lord. At least….I think so. He seems to see muggles in a new light, perhaps we'll be able to overcome this mad murderer after all!

Had Voldemort write a small list of things he'd learned before he left today.

-Muggle girls are worthy of his attention
-Muggle toys are cooler
-Muggles have no respect for Dark Lords
-Muggle kids are annoying
-Must kill all muggles except for 'comely' girls and puppies. And the people who make PS2 games.

Maybe it didn't work as well as I had thought.

Diagnosis: Damn, spilled mustard on my cloak!