Author's note: This piece isn't supposed to be funny or on purpose extremely offensive, it's just how it may feels for someone who has been around for such a long time. I didn't intend to offend anyone with it and if done so, I apologize in advance, but I couldn't do anything any different, because!

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To Charles Xavier
School for the gifted
Westchester New York, NY

It really sucks! Not in the way every day kinda sucks, but sucks like until you're empty and you don't even know if there's anything left to go on another day. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel empty!

I've eaten, slept and fucked, all within the last couple of hours. Nothing felt real. Hasn't for a long time. If it ever will again? I don't know, but I do care. I have to care, damn it!

If you're wondering why I'm telling you this, it's because there's no one else I could think of and I can't just leave without trying to make at least someone understand.

Hell, I don't even know when it all started. When did everything get so fucking unreal? Lost it's meaning? I should know. Damn it, I want – no have to know!

I even felt disgusted. I haven ever felt disgusted before, but this time I almost let the urge to run out of the room take control. Letting her lie there naked, all sweaty and panting. She'd probably continued scream how good it feels.

How many other assholes like me had picked her up for a cheap ride before, had their cocks up her pussy? Why the hell was I thinking of their sperm dripping out, it was just supposed to be a quick fuck. No names, no fucking calls, no caring about nothing! Nothing! I've always been a man, when the shit hit the bed, damn it!

Fuck, didn't even take me a minute to get out of the room, after I had fulfilled my duties. Just out on my bike and away, to wherever away was.

At least it wasn't Westchester! A long time ago, while driving around headless, I always ended up on a road, hitting right back to Chuck and the gang. Not so in the last couple of months, maybe it already turned into years, that's something I don't care about anymore.

I hit Mexico and their shitty Tequila after first after I left, but that wasn't my kinda place. Even my skin started to hurt down there, sounds like crap for someone almost invincible, but can you even imagine how it feels when you want to shred yourself to pieces, but know that you'd probably just wake up with another of the worst hangovers you can have? Bet not, thank God if you believe in that stuff!

I went up to Canada, back to the Wild. Like I thought this was my real home; son of the wilderness. But staying there all alone in the woods in that damn rotten cabin just made things worse, if that was even possible. Anyway, it was just too much damn time to think. So I headed for the next little town.

Almost killed a guy, after fucking around with him in the cage. Killed him in order to get myself together again, how goddamn pathetic! And you know what? I felt damn good, all the blood, all the pain, all those screams, hysterical, enthusiastic and scared.

Guess you can figure out by yourself, that I couldn't keep that up for long, after more and more guys had to be almost collected part by part from the battle cage. People started to see me as the freak I really am!

I had to run again. Only this time, when thinking of where, nothing came to my mind. Well, something did, that stupid line of this place that would always be my home and how we are one big family, nothing but fucking shit.

This was never a home, not for me, not for anyone. Just a place to hide and pretend everything's just fine for freaks like us. Bet you're even encouraging them to run for president, just to show them how fucking normal we are. Right!

You know what? Teach them how to survive after they have to start living in the real world where people are expelled for less than being a goddamn killing machine!

Ah, forget it you'll probably die preaching how good and understanding this world is. Guess I'm even glad there's at least one person left who hasn't lost faith. So just cut the crap, I'm saying!

You've probably always tried being a friend, but a friend has to understand you and no one will ever understand me. How could anyone else, if I can't myself?

Well, I'm man enough to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for fucking up your lives! I'm sorry for not being what you saw or maybe pretended to see in me! I'm sorry for telling you all of this, but I hoped you could take it! I'm sorry for abandoning and disappointing all of you. Most of all though I'm sorry for fucking up Jeannie and letting her die. I've never really loved her and still did I have to ruin her live, tell Scott I'm sorry! Or don't since it doesn't really change anything anymore, just tears up old wounds! It's up to you.

Just don't tell anyone else 'bout this, I don't want them to know and I certainly don't want anyone to take the blame for all of this, since it's only my fault and mine alone! Let them think I'm just fucking my way through the country, being the scumbag I truly am.

Actually I just wanted to tell you where to find the body, but it turned out that I couldn't leave without you knowing why.

So here's why, it's 'cause I don't fit, never have, never will and I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of chasing a man I'll never be again, just tired of everything! I had more than my fair share of years, it's my fault I wasted them!

By the time this will reach you, there's nothing you can do to change things. Actually you never had the power to change anything, it was all up to me, so don't blame yourself. It's not like I hadn't wished to die before I met you.

You'll find the body up Alkali Lake; there's a little cave 'bout fifty feet north of where the entrance to the lab was. Though it would kinda make sense to finally end it where all of this shit started, pathetic 'till the end! Well, just take care those bastards can't use any of my DNA to fuck up more like me!

I'm sorry for everything!

Logan