For Me This Is Heaven

Chapter 18

Ack here's the next chappie! Enjoy butt heads P

JJ

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Susie stumbled out of the room as Sirius stared at her. She could not face him anymore. He had hit it right on the dot, yet she refused to admit it to even herself.

I deserved it she chanted in her head.

Sirius stared frustrated as Susie rushed out of the common room. He knew she had to come back eventually. He decided to sit up and wait.

Raped??? He had no idea. He would've never thought... Sitting down on the couch, he tried to put all the pieces together, using what Remus had told him.

Eventually Sirius drifted off to sleep. When Susie came back, he was still there, sleeping on the couch. She kneeled down by him, stroking his cheek with the back of her hand. Tears fell down her face onto his and she got up, swiping her hand across her eyes. No more crying...

Sirius woke up early that morning; Susie had gone to bed half an hour ago. His face felt slightly damp. He reached up and his hand came back wet. Tears. His tears? Her tears...

Remus came down, attached to Elisa. Sirius was sitting there. They decided to leave him. On the way down to breakfast, they bumped into Susie, talking to Ana.

"Susie," Susie looked up. "Wanna join us for breakfast?" Remus asked.

"I'm not hungry," she mumbled.

"Nonsense!" Ana exclaimed, pushing her in the direction of the dining hall. Elisa grabbed her arm and pulled her along with them. Susie reluctantly sat at the table across from Remus, Elisa, and between Ana and some other girl she didn't know.

When the food appeared in front of her, she picked at it, pushing it around with her fork. Everyone had quite a surprise when the girl next to Susie got up and none other then Sirius Black slid into that seat.

"Hey Moony, Elisa. Hey Ana." The named 3 waved and he turned to Susie, who was still pushing her food around. Sirius took the fork out of her hands and ladled some food on it. Pushing it towards her mouth, he began to feed her. Everyone watched with slightly open jaws as Sirius filled up the fork with food and put to Susie's mouth, who in turn opened it, took the bite, chewed and swallowed. After about 3 bite-fuls, she stood up, her chair scraping against the floor.

"No more," she said before rushing out of the room. Sirius shrugged, putting the fork down and eating the food that sat in front of him. Remus got up, squeezing Elisa's hand quickly and disappearing out of the hall after Susie.

He looked in the first most likely place she'd be, the library. She wasn't there. He then headed back to the Gryffindor common room, going up the stairs the way Elisa had shown him. He pushed open the door to Susie's dorm and found her sitting on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Susie we have to get to class," he said gently, pulling her off the bed. She looked at him and wrapped her arms around him.

"Rems, thanks for being there for me." She looked off in the distance, taking her arms off of him. "Why are Vicky and Lily being like this? I thought they were my friends."

"Sus, it's just cause their more on James' side about all this and James is bitter cause he thinks you cheated on Sirius." Susie didn't say anything, only gathered up her books from her classes and lugged them out of the dorm.

Later that day, Susie was sitting in Potions, mindlessly mixing something when they was an explosion in her cauldron. She jumped back, staring at the mess that had exploded onto her table, causing it to melt slightly. Her lip started to quiver as Professor Saylor stalked over to her table, whipping his wand out.

"McFasley, what is this?"

"I guess I must've not been paying attention sir," she said quietly.

"Not paying attention?? Carelessness gets foolish people like yourself killed!" He pointed his wand at the mess, which disappeared and the table mended itself up.

"Next time, if you're going to be careless, don't even bother coming to class." Susie sat down at the now completely clean table, guessing that her grade for the day was a "0".

Remus came in to the class with some papers from Dumbledore for Professor Saylor. He noticed Susie, who had her head down on the desk. Professor Saylor looked over at her. Ever since she had started dating Sirius, he had separated them as partners and been particularly mean to her.

"Ms. McFasley? What do you think you're doing? Getting a zero for the day does not give you leave to just rest in my class. Put your head up this instant." She slowly brought her head back up, pushing her hair out of her face. Her blue eyes were shining with tears and Remus could see she was about to burst into tears.

Then the tears started to flow freely, running down her cheeks as she put her face in her hands, sobbing. Remus rushed over to her, putting his arms around her and rocking her.

"Remus," she sobbed, "Get me out of here, I have to tell you something." Remus looked up at Professor Saylor.

"I'm taking her to the Hospital Wing," he told the professor firmly. Sirius looked slightly worried as Remus led Susie out of the class, his arm planted firmly around her waist. She still was crying.

Susie tugged on Remus' arm as they walked towards the Hospital Wing. She had kept this bottled up way too long, almost a month. She had to tell someone before the pain just killed her.

"Remus." He looked at her and she leaned up against the wall, looking at the other wall.

"Remus, I was raped," she whispered. She had been quiet but to Remus, the words had been announced on a bullhorn.

"Raped?" he asked, unable to believe the words that had come out of her mouth. He had pondered the possibility many times, but to hear it from her lips was a shock in it's own. She nodded slowly, holding her stomach.

"I missed my period," she said nervously. Remus practically dragged her to the Hospital Wing, knowing why she didn't want to talk about that night with anyone. She had been raped! Exactly what he had thought before, but everyone didn't believe him.

"Madam Pomfrey!" he yelled as he burst through the doors into the Hospital Wing. She came out of the back.

"Hello Mr. Lupin, Miss. McFasley, what can I do for you?" she asked calmly.

"Madam Pomfrey, Susie was raped!" Madam Pomfrey's face turned white.

"Come with me," she told Susie. She hurried Susie towards the back, while Remus sat down on a bed near the front.

Madam Pomfrey peered at Susie.

"Susie, have you missed any of your periods?" Susie nodded nervously. Madam Pomfrey went to a cabinet and took out a greenish blue liquid in a flask.

"This is a potion that'll kill any sperm in you or any sign of a fetus, that is if you want it." That would mean that if Susie had a baby growing inside of her, it would kill the unborn baby inside of her. If she had a baby, she would have to drop out of school, take care of a bastard, she thought bitterly. She didn't want any reminders of Rabastan Lestrange, including his child.

"I'll take it," she said, taking the flask out of Madam Pomfrey's hands. Downing it, she gave it back to Madam Pomfrey, who led her towards a bed that was in the room they were in.

"I want you to stay here for a few days. We'll see how you're faring in a few days." Remus looked up when Madam Pomfrey came out.

"Young man, you can come back later on." Remus nodded and slowly left. He went back to the common room. Classes were already over for the day. Elisa was sitting there with Sirius, Lily, and Vicky.

"How's Susie?" Vicky asked worriedly. Remus scoffed. He had been acting rather coldly towards Vicky and Lily since the incident in between Susie and Sirius.

"She was raped," he stated. Sirius jumped up.

"What the hell! I knew it!" he exclaimed. Remus nodded.

"So she admitted this to you in her own words, and you were there when she said it, that she was raped," James questioned.

"Do you want me to recount the entire thing?" Remus stated dryly.

"Yeah," Sirius said.

Remus shrugged and recounted the story, with Sirius, Vicky, and Lily hanging on his every word. James was still slightly unconvinced.

"I wanna hear the words from her own mouth!" he exclaimed. Lily stared angrily at him.

"What the hell is your problem? Why would she make that up??" Lily demanded.

"To make us think that she didn't cheat, that he's the bad guy here, not h-," he stopped. He had been so busy rambling that he hadn't noticed everyone get up and leave, leaving him talking to himself.

Susie was lying on her side, in a cold sweat. She closed her eyes as memories flooded her mind again. She tried to block them out, but it was no avail. The one memory that haunted her night after night was the look on Sirius' face. She winced when someone put their hand on her shoulder, but quickly withdrew when they felt her wince.

"Susie," she heard a voice behind her say. She turned to look at the source of the voice. It was Sirius who had put his hand on her shoulder and behind him were Remus, Lily, Vicky, and James, who had trailed along with them when he had found himself alone in the common room.

Remus came up first, putting a comforting hand on her knee. Sirius watched him as he talked to her. It seemed when it was someone who she was familiar with, she didn't wince when they touched her. But Susie and him had been familiar, they had dated, so why should she wince when he touched her.

Susie sat up and looked around Remus at Lily and Vicky. She smiled shyly, inviting them to sit next to her. Lily came rushing over, throwing her arms around Susie as she sobbed.

"I'm sorry I didn't believe you Susie," she said as she hugged Susie. Susie patted her back.

"That's alright," she said quietly. Vicky came next, hugging her. She looked at Susie's face, which was tear stained.

"Susie darling, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be the friend that you thought I was. I hope you'll forgive me. I know we won't have the relationship that we had before, but I was hoping that we could start over." Susie hugged her.

"Yes, we can Vicky." James and Sirius stared awkwardly at the floor, their hands in their pockets.

"Listen Sus, I'm sorry for being such a total asshole. I know I was and I apologize. Feel free to insult, and hurt me in any way because I was no friend." Susie smiled and James went and sat on the bed next to her.

"James, it's okay. A lot of people didn't believe it and I forgive you." James nodded before pulling her into a hug.

"Thanks, besides I don't know what I'd do without Dirt," he whispered as she hugged him. She giggled, for the first time in a while. Her laugh was like music to Sirius' ears. Everyone else had left the room, leaving Susie and Sirius alone.

"So I'm sorry, for all of this. If you'd only of told me-," Susie held her hand up.

"I know, I realized that a long time ago, but I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I blame myself, I really do and there's nothing you can do to change my mind. It was my fault that our relationship went out the door and I'm sorry for hurting you so badly." Sirius kneeled down next to her bed and took her hand. She tensed up, but relaxed as Sirius gripped her hand tighter, his thumb rubbing circles on her hand.

"Susie, I've been really miserable without you and if you'd take me back, I think we can give the relationship another go." Susie looked at him sadly.

"Sirius, I don't know if I'm ready yet," she told him. Sirius felt his heart break again. Just when he thought Susie would mend the pieces, she unknowingly broke it again.

"Why not Susie? I need you, isn't that enough?" he pleaded.

"Of course that's enough and I need you too Sirius. I love you so much, it kills me to do this, but I just can't. I can't even let anyone touch me without wincing or drawing away. It's gonna take me a long time to get over this and I'm not asking you to wait for me."

"I'll wait," he vowed.

"No Sirius, I want you to move on with your life. If it means dating someone else, then do it." It hurt her so badly to tell him that but she knew he needed to hear it. "Who knows how long it's gonna take me to properly get over this. I want you to move on. If we're truly meant for each other, then we'll find each other again, but until then, I think we just need to let things go."

Sirius stared at her sadly. He let go of her hand and placed it back on the bed next to her.

"What's gonna happen to you?" he asked.

"Sirius, I'm going to St. Mungo's for a month, for therapy. I'm leaving tomorrow."

"That would've been our 6 month anniversary," Sirius said softly. Susie bit her lip to keep from openly bawling and nodded.

"I want you to promise me one thing."

"Anything," Sirius told her.

"That you'll give Ana a chance to try out for the quidditch team. With me leaving, she can take my place if you think she's good enough." Sirius nodded.

"Alright, I'll talk to James." She took his hand, put it to her lips briefly and let go.

"Good-bye Sirius."

I know, I know, extremely short chapter, but what I have coming up just doesn't fit the caliber of this chapter, so till next chappie, bye! Has anyone heard the song Boulevard of Broken Dreams, by Green Day? That's a GREAT song! DL it!

REVIEWERS!!!

Lily: haha okay I shall call you Lily!! Anyways I needed them for your last chapter! I was crying!! I can't wait till you update! Lol Chase is just a good friend to Susie! And Sirius has already found out. What do you think of that? Hehe thanks for reviewing!

Moonlight1111: hehe well here's your chapter! I hope you enjoyed it. But Sirius can't take her into his arms that fast. That would be quite nice and romantic and I'd LOVE to do that, but I think Susie would probably get scared if he did that. As you've seen here. Hmmm well you can talk to her in the next couple of chapters, I've got tons going on here! Hehe well I'm glad I could!

Waterfairy-rose: Did you like your surprise???

J'adoreblondie: well sank ya! And Sirius knows now! Haha I know and thanks, I'm glad you like it!

ATTENTION READERS:

I've posted a new story called Against All Odds, it's after the MWPP era, Hope you guys check that one out too!! Please? D