For Me This Is Heaven
Chapter 20
I know, I know, short chapters, but this chapter is going to be full of letters. Susie is back this chapter! I just couldn't keep her out, and this chapter is long and sad and sweet, hope you enjoy!
A/N: Please check out my story "Against All Odds" and r & r!! Thanks D
Note
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March 16, 1973
Dear Susie,
Hey love, how are you doing? I just read your letter. I was quite surprised when Mestizos came in, thought it was an illusion. But here I am, in Arithmancy, writing you back. I'm sorry that your psych is like that, but it's the only way you'll get better. It's the only way you'll come back to me. The castle is so empty without your smiling face and it's been quite a while since I've heard your beautiful voice. I miss you a lot, you have no idea. I know you said I should date around, for now, but I can't. I'm hopelessly devoted to you. Sounds like a corny line from a movie huh? The other day in DADA, the professor paired me up with DeSantos. Funny huh? Well we tried to like beat the crap out of each other and let's just say he ended up laughing the entire time and I danced till I couldn't dance anymore. The professor found it quite amusing and I'm sure we got an 'A' for that! Do you remember the night of your birthday? Cause I remember it well. Till later darling.
All my love,
Sirius Black
March 22, 1973
Dear Sirius,
Yes I remember that night. It was very romantic. But things aren't going so well. I'm confused and I'm depressed. Well I've been depressed since the rape and our breakup, but I've got the psych here to help me. I've met a bunch of people, crazy people like myself. Anyways I've got to go to dinner, sorry to make this letter so short.
I've seen fire and I've seen rain...I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end...I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend...But I always thought that I'd see you again...
Love,
Susie
March 28, 1973
Dear Susie,
Saw what you wrote to Remus, that you met a guy that you've been seeing, sort of, in your words. What about us? What about all those letters you had been sending me? Lies? Deceit? I need to know what's going on between us before you get back. I still love you.
Sirius
March 30, 1973
Dearest Sirius,
It's true, I was sort of seeing someone. Not anymore. Those letters are all true. I still love you. I'm coming back in 2 weeks. I get extra leave to stay. I'll be here till April 10, and I'll be coming back on the 11th. I hope you can forgive me if you thought I was leading you on, that was never my intention. I was just writing from my heart.
Love,
Susie
April 2, 1973
Dear Susie,
I took your advice, I'm seeing a girl from Ravenclaw. We've been together for a few days. She's a nice girl I suppose. I hope this doesn't change things between us.
Forget this life, come with me...Don't look back you're safe now...Unlock your heart, drop your guard, no ones left to stop you...Forget this life, come with me, don't look back you're safe now...Unlock your heart, drop your guard, no ones left to stop you now
Love,
Sirius
April 4, 1973
Sirius,
I'm glad you could move on. Things are going to be the same, I hope. I'll just see you when I get back cause now that you're seeing someone, we can't write about the things that we wrote about before.
Love,
Susie
April 5, 1973
No Susie, please, I still want to stay in contact. I still love you with all my heart, yet you told me to go see other people and that's what I did, I'm honoring your wishes!
Everyone is changing...there's no left that's real...to make up your own ending... and let me know just how you feel...cause I am lost without you...I cannot live at all...my whole world surrounds you... I stumble then I crawl.
Sirius
April 7, 1973
Sirius,
What would you say if I asked you not to go...to forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me...would you take my hand and never let me go...promise me you'll never let go....and the stars aren't out tonight...but neither are we to look up at them...why does hello feel like good bye? These memories can't replace...these wishes I wished and these dreams I chased...take this broken heart and make it right...I feel like I lost everything when you're gone...left remembering what it's like to have you here with me...I thought you should know, you're not making this easy...I never thought I'd be the one to say...please don't, please don't leave me...take my hand and never let me go...promise me you'll never let go...make this last forever...I'll fall asleep tonight cause that brings me closer to you...
Love,
Susie
Sirius put the last letter from Susie in a box under his bed. He had kept all the letters she had sent him, saving them. James came in while he had been stuffing the letter box under his bed.
"You know, Cammie's down there waiting outside of the portrait hall for you," James told him. Sirius nodded, flipping his hair out of his face and leaving the room. James made sure he was gone.
"Accio letters," he said, pointing his wand at under Sirius' box. The letter box came flying out into James' hand. Pulling it open, he sifted through the letters, his eyes falling on the last one.
Meanwhile, Cammie, Sirius' latest girlfriend since Susie, and Sirius were walking around the grounds.
"Sirius, we never do anything," Cammie complained. He looked at her.
"Like what?"
"Like you never want to snog with me! Every time we go any further, you pull away, get up and leave." Sirius pushed her up against the nearest wall and stroked the side of her face, slowly kissing her lips.
It wasn't like Susie, not at all.
April 9, 1973
Susie,
I'm not sure when you're gonna get this, but I wanted to write you one last time and see what would happen. You don't write me anymore, ever since that last letter.
What's wrong baby, don't they treat you like they should? Did you take 'em for it? Every penny that you could? We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand...Oh how I dreamed to finally say such things then only to pretend...Don't you know I'm thinkin', drivin '405 past midnight...You know I miss you...Don't you know that I miss you? Ninth and Ash on a Tuesday night...I would write to you from a museum mile, toast to you: your whisper, your smile...Up the stairs at the Weatherford, a ghost each place I hide...If you don't, don't know, why would you say so? Would you mean this please if it happens? If don't know, why would you say so? Won't you get your story straight... If you don't know, honey, why'd you say so? And I need this now more than I ever did...If you don't well, honey, then you don't...I left you waiting, at the least could we be friends? Should have never started, ain't that the way it always ends? On my life I'll try today, there's so much I've felt I should say but...even if your heart would listen, doubt I could explain...If you don't, don't know why, why would you say so?
Won't you get your story straight...If you don't know, honey, why'd you just say so? Cause I need this now more then I ever did...If you don't well, honey, then you don't...So here we are now, a sip of wine, a sip of water...Someday maybe, maybe someday we'll be smarter...And I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, I drank all my money could get and...took everything you let me have and then I never loved you back
Susie, I do love you, I'm just not sure if I'm in love with you anymore. All the pain and suffering I went through, I just don't really know anymore.
Sirius
Susie closed her eyes as she read through Sirius' letter. A single tear slipped down her face as she carefully folded it up and placed it in her purse. Ronnie turned around from the front of the car.
"How're you holding up there Susie?" he asked her.
"I'm fine Ronnie," she said with a sigh.
Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts, everyone was preparing for Susie's arrival. Everyone except for Sirius Black, that is. He was off, with another girl. Remus was surprised how easily it had taken him to go back to his old ways. Then again, that could be just some way to forget about Susie.
Remus was surprised when Susie came into the Gryffindor common room, smiling at her friends. They all jumped up, hugging her. She seemed delighted to see everyone.
"Oh wow, I've missed all of you so much," she exclaimed, throwing her arms around Lily who was sobbing and clinging tightly to her. She looked around.
"Sirius isn't here," Remus told her, noticing what she was doing. She sighed but brightened up when Elisa and Ana came in. She ran to them, hugging them both tightly. One thing Remus noticed about Susie is that she seemed happier; true there was still that shadow of pain on her face, but her blue eyes seemed to twinkle and she seemed more vibrant then ever. It was almost like she was immune to the pain.
Then Sirius came in, attached to another girl. Susie looked at him and Remus thought she would cry, but she looked away and sat down next to Remus on the couch with a sigh.
"So you see, he's gone back to his old ways," Remus told her, putting a hand on her shoulder. She didn't flinch.
"I noticed," she said dryly. Sirius detached from the girl and came over, a smirk playing on his features. Susie's breath caught in her throat as Sirius came over and stopped in front of them.
"Hey," she said casually, looking him in the eye. Sirius blinked a few times and then plopped down next to her, putting his hand on her knee.
"Susie, how was your stay at St. Mungos?" he asked casually. Susie pushed his hand off her knee and smiled.
"It was fine," she answered simply. Then she got up.
"Remus, I'm gonna just walk around a bit, I'll see you later then?" Remus nodded and watched her go.
"Sirius, you still love her, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do, I mean it's kinda hard to just get over the girl you love." Then he stood up.
"I'm going to bed, later Moony." Remus coughed and waved, unable to speak.
Sirius came into Care of Magical Creatures and found Remus sitting with another couple. He went over to join them. Remus looked up when he sat down.
"Ah Sirius, thought you'd never come! This is Lila," he pointed at an attractive girl with auburn red hair and green eyes, with looks similar to Lily's. "And that's her boyfriend Richard, call him Rich." Sirius stuck his hand out to shake Richie's, a pretty well built guy with scruffy brown hair and blue eyes, and then shake Lila's.
"What houses are you two in?" he asked curiously.
"We're Ravenclaws," Richard told him.
"Ahh I see, the smart ones!" he exclaimed. Remus raised an eyebrow and Lila let out a giggle as she looked at Sirius' expression. Professor Sprout clapped her hands.
"Class," she called. She proceeded to tell them that the people they were sitting at the table with would be their partners for the next 6 weeks. She then explained what the assignment was, raising a Lumsprat, a little plant that produces light from it's mouth when it's raised well and reaches a certain age.
"If you raise your plant correctly, then it'll produce light and that'll mean you pass this assignment, got it?" Everyone nodded. Then she explained what you had to do to take care of it. Sirius groaned. Every week, one of the people would have to take the plant with them into their dorm and keep the Lumsprat in a darkened place. They'd also have to feed it and play with it, like a baby.
Professor Sprout first handed out a kit that they would need to take care of it. Then the Lumsprats came next. They were small little plants, similar to a Venus fly trap, except their mouths were lengthened and they didn't have teeth like it.
Lila picked up their plant.
"I'll feed it while it stays at the greenhouse for 2 weeks, but someone's gotta come and play with it and take care of it's snippings," she volunteered.
Sirius elbowed Remus. "He'll do that," Sirius said. Richard raised an eyebrow.
"Sirius, why don't you play with it, and Remus takes care of the snippings."
"And you, Sir Richard?" Sirius asked sarcastically. He ignored the sarcasm.
"I'll help Lila," he said, putting a protective arm around her waist. Sirius raised an eyebrow.
"Feeding it? As if she's not capable of doing that herself!" Sirius exclaimed. Remus put a hand on his shoulder.
"Sorry about him," Remus apologized for Sirius. Sirius scowled. "He's been in a bad mood since Susie came back," he said.
"I have not! I'm just fine without her! She's the one who ended things with me!" Sirius stood up. "You sissies can talk about a plant, I'm leaving. Class is over anyways." He stalked out of the greenhouse after a crowd of noisy Gryffindors and Ravenclaws. Remus knew he had hit the spot, bringing up Susie.
Remus came into Charms, where Sirius, James, and Vicky were sitting. They were saving 3 seats. Remus plopped down in one of the saved spots.
"Who are the other 2 for?" he asked, motioning at the two empty chairs.
"Their for Lils and Susie," Vicky said, without looking up from her homework. Sirius seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face, cause it was the same one he had had in Herbology. Lily pranced in, dragging Susie into class, who was protesting about something. Lily looked over at their table and waved. Vicky looked up and waved back, motioning at the seats. Lily pointed at the table and Susie took one look at Sirius and shook her head. Lily dragged her over anyways.
"Hey guys," Lily said brightly, pulling Susie into the seat next to her. Sirius' girlfriend of the week walked in, a slutty brunette, in Susie's opinion. She looked at Sirius and waved and winked. He just gave a slight wave and went back to his moodiness. Her expression turned sour, but she went and sat with her friends.
"Who's the new girl?" Vicky asked.
"Some Gryffindor, I think her name was Alice," he said, tapping the table.
"For your info, her name is Amy," Lily told him. Sirius shrugged.
"Whatever."
"You slept with her yet Padfoot?" Sirius glanced over at Susie, who was diligently finishing some homework for this class. Everyone knew she was listening very carefully to what he was going to say.
"I don't think that's any of your business," Sirius said carefully. James scoffed.
"Puh-leese Padfoot, before you even started dating Susie, you would always brag about which girls you had slept with that night."
"It's different now Prongs," Sirius said quietly.
"How so?" Susie asked. She had put her quill down. "It's different now that me and you are over?" Sirius frowned and ran a hand through his hair.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said stubbornly.
"Ugh, guys are so infuriating," Susie said irritably, gathering up her things and taking a seat on the other side of the room with Remus and Elisa. Remus had gotten up when Elisa had come in, which was about when James had asked Sirius if he had slept with Amy yet.
Lily crossed her arms and put her feet on the chair. Amy had been about to come over and sit on Sirius' lap, but the look on his face stopped her. Lily shot her a glance that said Stay the hell away from us. Amy just scowled at them and turned back to her friends.
"A little feisty Evans?" James asked, noticing the look on her face. Sirius chuckled.
"Well you scared her away. She probably didn't want to get her ass kicked by Lily Evans, prefect."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever Sirius, and James, yes I'm feisty."
"In bed?" James asked jokingly. Lily shot him a death glare that shut him up. Professor Flitwick started class at that moment.
After class, James went after Lily, who was walking to class with Vicky.
"Hey Evans!"
"What Potter?" Lily asked irritably.
"Wanna go out with me?" he asked.
"NO!" Lily shouted as she ran off to class, leaving Vicky to walk with the rejected(once again) James.
Susie was walking back to class with a pile of books that Remus had asked her to get for Astronomy. He was in bed with the flu (really, he's sick!). She had been walking carefully, watching her feet. She couldn't really see in front of her. She was also balancing a pile of parchment on top of the books, which were her 2 essays for Muggles Studies and DADA. Then she ran into something hard, in the form of a person. The books went flying up into the air, landing with a thump, scattered on the ground around them. The parchments were flying everywhere, completely out of order. Susie had already fallen back, and for some odd reason, the person had tipped forward. Susie landed with an 'oof' on the carpeted floor, with none other then Sirius Black on top of her.
She expected him to go scrambling off her, but he stayed where he was. In fact, he seemed quite comfortable. It was extremely awkward for Susie.
"Sirius, sorry," she said, gently trying to push him off her. It didn't work, he was much stronger then her.
"It's fine," he said softly, his hair falling into his eyes. Some of Susie hair had fallen out of her ponytail in the process of falling and Sirius reached up to her face to brush it out of her eyes. Then he leaned down, their lips about to touch.
Susie shut her eyes; she couldn't deny how much she had wanted this. Their lips were a hairline away from meeting and then Sirius pulled back. Well actually it was Amy who had pulled Sirius back by the hair.
"What the hell do you think you're doing??" she screeched as he grabbed her hand, yanking it off his hair.
"I was about to kiss Susie, that's what I was about to do!" he yelled back.
"How dare you ruin our relationship like this! To kiss that dirty slut!" Susie had gotten up by then and Amy's face flew to the side by the impact of Susie's slap. She reached up, a shocked expression on her face. Then she lunged forward, knocking Susie to the floor and pulling at her hair. Susie screamed, trying to get Amy off of her hair. She hit wildly. Then Amy stopped and Susie opened her eyes, finding Sirius pointing his wand at Amy.
Susie scrambled up. She was gonna kill that bitch for touching her. But Sirius stopped her, picking her up by the waist and throwing her over his shoulder.
"Sirius lemme go," she yelled as he walked further away from Gryffindor tower. Pounding on his back was useless. Finally he let go of her. Susie looked at where they were. They were in the Room of Requirement. A million memories flooded Susie's head as she remembered what had happened the first time she had been in here.
"Sirius, why'd you bring me here?" she asked, her eyes closed.
"Cause you need to calm down," he told her. "You were ready to kill."
"Yeah, well I'll teach her for ever messing with me," she said vengefully. Sirius grabbed her shoulder and shook her slightly.
"No, you're not! Just forget her!" he said. She pulled out of Sirius' grasp and went and sat on the couch that was in the room. Then Sirius sat behind her, giving her a massage. She tensed up at first, but eventually relaxed.
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
"Susie, Susie, I need you," he said softly.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.
She turned around in his arms and fell against his chest, sobbing. He wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back and stroking the back of her head.
You're gone away, you don't feel me anymore
"Sirius, I need you too, but I can't right now and you know that."
The worst if over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
"Why Susie?" he asked. He was close to crying himself. He couldn't believe it. She didn't know how badly he needed her, but yet she just wouldn't come back to him.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
"Sirius, god I've been really lonely. It just kills me to be away from you, but look at me." She held up her hand, which was shaking uncontrollably. Sirius let go of her and she stopped shaking. Then he grabbed her, causing her to jump back in defense.
"Susie," he said sadly.
"I'm sorry Sirius," she said, sitting back from him on the other side of the couch.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away.
He then lay down on the couch, putting his head on her lap. She winced when he first lay down on her and her shoulders tensed up, but she forced herself to relax.
"I'll never be able to hold you like I used to, hold you and make all your problems go away. I just felt like, with you in my arms, I could protect you from everything. I wasn't there to protect you from Rabastan Lestrange," he said, tears in his eyes.
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone
Susie couldn't believe this. She had never seen Sirius cry before. She reached down and wiped the tears from his eyes gently. He grabbed her hand. She tried to snatch it back, but he held on tightly. He put it to his lips, tears falling onto her skin. She closed her eyes. She hated seeing Sirius like this, in so much pain, and it was all because of her.
You've gone away, you don't feel me anymore
Sirius eventually let go of Sirius. He had closed his eyes. She put a pillow under his head and got up, but Sirius grabbed her again. She found that she was getting used to him touching her, just a little.
"Susie can I kiss you one more time?" he asked her. She looked at him and blinked. Kissing, was she prepared for that? Sirius stood up already, wrapping his arms around her waist. Her breathing became unlabored as his lips came closer to hers. But she pulled back just his lips gently pressed against hers. Looks like she wasn't ready for kissing. Then she pulled herself out of her grasp, looking at him sadly and unsure.
"Bye Sirius," she said slowly, leaving the room.
Aww, I hate writing these sad scenes, but like I said before, say it with me, it's all part of the MASTER PLAN!!
Song(s): If You Don't, don't-Jimmy Eat World
Promise-Matchbook Romance
Broken-Seether feat. Amy Lee (My fave! That song is the BEST!! DL it!!)
REVIEWERS!!
Waterfairy-rose: Ohhhh okay, I got it, goodness I certainly hope so. And the quidditch stuff will probably be in the next chapter of this installment, not this story, but don't worry, the story is actually coming to a close.
Moonlight1111: Ahhh thanks! I'm glad you liked it )
Im-an-angel-in-disguise: Aww I know! Hehe that she is! Thanks for reviewing )
Top Bitch: Actually thanks for this, I take flames to heart and use em to try and improve my story. Now as for Sirius, I noticed I do change his personality a bit, but what can you do? I thought I found the love of my life at the prime age of 14. I was wrong. Their relationship isn't perfect. There's going to be hard times. And this isn't the only story, there's going to be more. Hmmm, about him being rebellious and wild, I'll fix that, by adding more. But yes, thank you so much and I'm glad you like the story even though you pointed out to me that I changed Sirius' personality.
j'adoreblondie: Thanks and I knew it was short, I hope this chapter is longer then the last one, I didn't check, but all together, the story was about 10 pages long. Sadly I got your review too late and by then I already had this and several other chapters written, I just haven't gotten around to posting them. Lately, my inner writer had dimmed down a bit, but I'm still writing! But if you know any Green Day love songs, cause like I said before, I'm not even familiar with any of their old albums except for Time of Your Life and Welcome to Paradise. So please let me know, I'd really appreciate it!
Lily-willy! Hehe you are, by far, my most favorite reviewer! I noticed you haven't updated for a while! cries How could you??? Lol NO j/k. I love you for reviewing D If you'd like, I could be your beta or something, I'd be a little slow, but usually I do my own beta-ing and my old beta told me that it's simply supurb D So yeah, that is if you'd like. Duuuuuddddeeee learn how to type without looking and it'll make the writing Soooo much easier, That was true for me. I used to write before and then I stopped because I was a slow typer but I went to computer class in 9th grade and now I can type without even looking at the keyboard and I type pretty fast, so yeah. Are you kidding me?? You're an EXCELLENT writer, I love your stuff!! It's great!! Don't even trip potato chip! Hmmm, so I can't to see your wingardiumleviosaito work!! Hehe nice, I took your new adjective thingy! Does it sound okay? O.o
ZumZumZoo: That's alright, and why would I kill you??? I love you, cause you review hehe. Yes I know, quite sad ( It saddened me to write those chapters cause I hate sad stuff but not everything is perfect in Susie-Sirius land. Thank you!