Post 63

And it wasn't long till Valentine's Day finally drew near. The teachers showed no signs of lightening our load and mountains of homework lay undone on almost every student's desk. Not like anyone cared much now that the awaited Valentine's Ball is finally here. Well, almost everyone.

Remus Lupin was the only person in the library that day. Well, one of the very few. Even Madam Pince the librarian looked a bit worried. His tousled hair, his face constantly wrinkled in concentration, his feverish flipping of pages and frantic scribbling of untidy notes on his parchments. I heard tell that he even went to Madam Pomfrey to get a vial of Calming Draught to keep him composed so he could do more work.

Sometimes I wonder whether it was because he was to busy, as he had claimed. Or rather, maybe... well, just possibly, he didn't like them because he never could get a date? Probably he was too shy to ask a girl, he seemed like the type, quiet and reserved. As I have heard, Remus had never had a girlfriend throughout his years at Hogwarts.

The other Marauders, though concerned, have abandoned all efforts of trying to force him to rest. Now, February 14, Remus is still there, I see him right there at the table near the window of the library. I debated with myself whether or not to try to talk him to going to the ball, but before I could take a step, someone had beaten me there.

It was Nikki.

I hid behind the shadows of a large bookcase, just close enough to hear them.

"Hi," said Nikki casually.

"Oh, hello Nikki," replied Remus hurriedly.

"Whatcha doing?"

"History of magic..."

"Are you going to the ball later?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'm just really busy..."

"Oh, you should make time for it..." said Nikki, almost hopefully and I was beginning to think she was hinting at something.

"Maybe," replied Remus briskly though I didn't think he meant it.

"Really? Well, I hope you do go... um..." she faltered. "Okay... well... bye."

Nikki quickly left, her face... disappointed? Can't really tell.

After a while, Remus started gathering all his things pretty hurriedly as though he had just remembered something. He dashed past the bookcase I was hiding behind, his arms loaded with scrolls, quills and books. He waddled as fast as he could across the room, not realizing I was there and then suddenly... a small soft cover book fell to the floor and landed with an almost silent thud.

I wanted to call out to him but suddenly remembered Madam Pince's harsh shushing and instead hissed at him. But by then he was already squeezing himself through the gap in the large double doors. I went over and picked up the leather bound book. It was brown and had a latch then went around it.

I ran towards the doors, earning a "No running in the library" hiss from Madam Pince and looked out from the doors. Remus was already out of sight. Probably forgot there was a last minute Valentine's prefect's meeting or something.

Walking aimlessly around the library, I carefully opened the latch with a satisfying click and opened the book. In it were pages upon pages scrawled with Remus' handwriting. A guilty feeling struck me and I looked away from the pages, debating with myself whether I should just not read it.

Finally, the power of curiosity got the better of me and I opened it to the most recent entry dated today... I have a feeling he just wrote it.

14 February,

The ball is going to in just a few hours. People have been bugging me to go. If only they knew. Knew what? I thought as I read on. Nikki approached me just a while ago, again just like everyone else, asking if I was going. As far as I know, I think I would be the only student not going to be there. Most of the Slytherins already think it's because I didn't manage to find myself a date and would look stupid turning up dateless. If only they knew the real reason... but it is one I must hide. My eyes darted hungrily across the page. There is no one I can confide in so I must write it down. I wonder how James and Sirius would react if they knew I had a diary. Laugh, maybe. I can't talk to them either... they aren't really the sensitive, listening types, although they know about my... problem.

The true reason really, is one I can do nothing to change. A night was just a night. It will pass whether I go to the ball or not. If I go with a girl... after that she'd expect me to ask her out or spend time with her. She'd think we're a couple. But I can't risk getting into a relationship. It would be too problematical. It would be too hard. Nobody will accept me once they knew. I mean, who would date a werewolf? My eyes reread that line again. Remus? A werewolf? I understand. This is my curse and I shall learn to live with it. Who can blame me not going to the ball? If only I could just tell them. So they'd stop forcing me to go. But I can't.

Anyway, the only girl I want to go to the ball with already has a date. Has a boyfriend too. Though it hurts me, I know I can't break Lily's heart which would inevitably happen in the end, and the last thing I wanted was for her to get hurt. She's happy now and I'm thankful. Remus likes Lily? Why didn't I see it before... The small glances. The bittersweet smiles. The entry ended abruptly without him signing off like he usually did in the pages before. Untidy drops of ink littered the bottoms of the page which showed signs of hurry.

I clapped the book shut with a soft thud of the leather latch. Remus Lupin? A werewolf? How long had he been one? I was just... shocked by such news. The quiet, reserved, innocent one... a vicious werewolf? I could hardly believe it. A sudden change of emotion swept through me.

I felt pity.

I hardly had any time to dwell on Remus by the time I got back to the common room. I had to get ready for the ball. A wave of excited chatters engulfed me the second I stepped into the Girls' Dormitory. No less than two girls were either fixing Christella's dress robe or touching up her hair, gushing words like "Absolutely gorgeous!" and "Simply stunning!". I wanted to puke.

The two girls cast dark looks at me as I stepped in and Christella cast her 'I'm popular, beautiful and superior' look. Her dress robe was undeniably beautiful. It was pastel pink with glittery red trimmings and a low wide neck with sequins. Well, hers was nice... mine was better. I'd love to see the look on her snobbish face when she sees mine.

I changed into my dress robe and it looked just how I wanted it to look. It was a rose shade of pink, made of the finest silk. The sleeves started fitting and slowly flared at the ends. At the tips were embroidered flowers, mingling with encrusted diamonds and rubies. The dress was comfortably fitting and thank god, because those dresses some of them have... looked as if they were dying to squeeze themselves into a dress three sizes too small.

"Nice dress... are those fake stones?" scoffed Christella as I walked back into the dormitory, heading towards the long mirror.

"Certainly not... they're a hundred percent real. Not that you could tell the difference could you?" I replied coolly, running a brush through my hair. "I understand... not many commoners can tell."

"The cost of that would probably feed a family of five for a few years," replied one of her disciples.

"Aww, jealous?"

"You wish, McKinnon..." she spat, looking at me up and down.

"Where did you get yours? The second-hand shop?" I asked acidly.

"As a matter of fact, this cost my father a thousand galleons, at the designer shop... Santini in Italy," she bragged. "Unlike other fathers, my dad was caring enough to get me one especially for this ball."

I glared at her. "Well, mine was custom made just for me in Paris, France, by a friend of mine... you might know her, she's a popular designer, Marie Devereux..." I replied with the same braggy manner. "You might know her. She designs for the biggest name in wizard showbiz. And you wouldn't want to know how much this one costs..."

A could see a hesitant flash in her eyes and I could almost smile smugly.

"Girls," she said turning towards her friends. "Look what Todd gave me for Valentine's!"

"Which Todd?" asked one.

"You know... that blonde one in Ravenclaw? Todd Summers?"

"How come you never told me you were dating him?" whined Ren, her jaw dropping.

"I wasn't. He just asked me to the ball. I had already turned down, let's see," she cast me a glance. "...around 12 guys. So I thought... maybe I shouldn't be too picky."

"Well, I heard he's really rich!"

"Oh well... lucky me," she said with a squeal.

I rolled my eyes to the heavens as I pinned some butterfly clips to my hair.

She took out a small velvet box and opened it slowly like revealing the great secrets of the universe. Ren gasped and so did her other disciple, Carla Swann.

"Oh my god, it's gorgeous!" cooed Carla, looking at it in awe.

In the box lay a necklace of opalescent white pearls.

"Todd got this for you?!" Squeaked Tina.

"Uh huh, just gave it to me just now..." replied Christella smugly. "When we were taking a walk around the lake."

And it came to me, Sirius hadn't given me anything. In fact, I haven't seen him around either. I had spent the whole day of Valentine's alone and I just realized how depressing that felt. My heart suddenly dropped like a stone. Why didn't Sirius look for me?

He probably had something to do. Probably arranging something to surprise me, maybe. I thought positive thoughts. But I still couldn't get rid of the heavy feeling that had rested upon my heart.

I sprayed some of Mrs Wiggly's Styling Spray onto my hair so that it'll stay. All I did to it was clip up the fringes with diamond butterfly clips that had small tails of amethysts hanging down it, and the rest of my hair I left it like it was, lightly twirled at the bottom.

The other girls were fixing up their dresses too now that Christella's was perfect. They had slightly simpler dresses. Tina and her sister Ren had matching dress robes different only by a shade of red. Carla had a dress robe of the lightest baby pink and flared sleeves and it seemed tight, probably a hand-me-down, the poor girl.

It was soon seven, and everyone was excitedly heading towards the Great Hall where they would meet their dates, unless they have already. I walked with the flow, careful to prevent my dress robe from touching the mucky dungeon floor.

Several girls who were already with their dates were clutching stalks of roses in their hand as they clung on to their date's hand with the other. Several girls that weren't Slytherins, complimented me on my dress robe, lifting my spirits just a little.

Soon I was already at the Grand Staircase where many couples were littered around waiting for the double doors to open.