Dear Diary,

I don't know exactly what I should write. But I need to write something, I'm going to scribble incoherent thoughts in an attempt to get out everything I'm feeling at the moment.

We just had a feast in memory of Draco Malfoy. I can't believe he took his life. He felt pressured by his family and didn't want to act out their way of life. Draco even thought muggles were superior to humans! It's crazy to think that he believed this and yet, never did anything to stop it. Ouch … Professor Dumbledore put a ward up to shock people when they say the s-word, I always mumble when I write, so I just got a shock.

Anyway, Draco Malfoy wrote a letter to Harry, Ron and I. I'm contemplating reading that letter now. God I'm scared. I don't know if I really want to read it – I mean, I already regret not noticing what Draco has been going through all his life. Should I open it? I have to. For Draco's sake … Oh Merlin, here I go.

Dear Diary,

Sorry I didn't continue writing last month. I've been numb until this day. I can't fathom anything Draco wrote in the letter to me. I read it many times every day, I've now memorised it and yet I still don't understand it.

This first thing the letter says is that I'm his role model. I don't know whether that should be a good or bad thing. I mean, does that mean I inspired him to take his life? It's so sad to read that he has been jealous of me, and yet it explains the way he treated my friends and I. As Professor Dumbledore said, he was making up for his own insecurities. Regardless though, I would give up my marks and my mind, even my powers as a witch if it would bring Draco back. Can you believe that I miss him? I miss his smirking face in the halls. I miss his sarcastic comments in class. I miss his sucking up to Professor Snape. I miss everything about him, and I'm constantly reminded of him with the statue, the banners with moving pictures of him and the Slytherin house colours in the hall whenever I eat.

Well, whenever it's meal times, not whenever I eat. I haven't eaten much lately. That hall was the one where I found out the most devastating new of my life. And every time I'm in it, I'm reminded of it again, through visuals, conversations and memories. It's depressing not looking across the room into Draco's sneering face.

Speaking of his face, he really was quite handsome, if not a bit pale. And surprisingly, he thought me beautiful also. I can't express how shocked I was when I found out he thought I was beautiful. I mean, it's not often you find out that a person who you think hates you, really feels the opposite. I cried, and still do every time I read these words in particular:

In the muggle world, you are special, a great rarity for you are lucky enough to be a muggle born without magical blood in her heritage, but whom can practice magic regardless. In the wizarding world, you are a rarity as well, but where you should be treasured and admired for your talent and blood, despite heritage, you are shunned and rejected.

I wish I had known how he felt. It's really weird to see this written by a boy who used to tease me and call me Mudblood, thus saying I had dirty blood. Draco complimented me on my talents and obviously thought I was special. He wrote that I should be treasured. And as I read that paragraph again, I wish that he could have been the one to treasure me. Underneath his façade of a young boy with prejudices, Draco Malfoy really was a passionate man. I just wish I could have experienced some of that passion in some way other than hate. I find myself falling further in love with a dead man every time I read the first and last letter I ever received from him. I regret my years at Hogwarts where I hated Draco. I just want him to be alive, so I can hold him tight and help him to right his life.

In my letter, Draco wrote that his father set him on a path. If only I had looked down that path and had the courage to fly a broomstick down and save him. But, like most things in life, wishing isn't really possible. I can't bring Draco back now, it's too late. And even if he was still alive, I can't even get a broomstick to come up to my hand; it senses my fear of flying.

Merlin, once again I find myself crying with regret, sorrow and love. Draco told me he didn't want me to cry while reading this note, but how can I not? He was right in saying I may have killed him as a Death Eater, yet I still can't help feeling upset. So many wishes and 'if onlys' are running through my head.

My grades, which Draco was so jealous of, and yet admired me for, are falling drastically. Why can't you come back to me Draco? Even if you still pretended to hate me, I'd be able to be some inspiration maybe, still keeping up good marks. Maybe if you'd held on a little bit longer, or walked down your path a little slower, you could have found the inspiration to talk to someone, anyone, about your situation. Dumbledore would have helped you, protected you against Voldemort and your family and peers like he does for Harry. And I wouldn't be feeling so bad right now.

Look at me now Draco. I'm so selfish. So stubborn. I'm getting sick from not eating and not sleeping. My eyes are constantly red from crying and my hands hurt from folding and unfolding your note every five minutes. I don't pay attention in class, and no one else seems to notice. Harry is always brooding, and Ron seems to be smiling constantly, off in his own world. What did you tell them, I wonder? If you were here, maybe you would gather me in your arms, just once and tell me everything is all right. But you're not here. You said you would be happy now. Well are you happy watching down from heaven and seeing your 'one true love' crying?

Sometimes I feel crazy and think that maybe I should join you. Wouldn't it be easier to stop?

Ouch. Ok, so that shock idea was a very smart one. I've now being pulled out of my depressive thoughts to a certain degree. I won't kill myself. If anything, now that I'm getting my feelings out, from now on, I might try to live my life fuller. I'll live my life and your life. But when I die, you had better be waiting for me.

On a lighter note, I suppose you always will be waiting. It's obvious you like watching me from all the 'investigations' you did in third to fifth years. Please watch over me for the rest of my life as well.

I realise how insane I must have just sounded, talking to Draco! Now I'll go back to just writing my thoughts...

I must say, it was funny to read how Draco watched me for a few years, although I'm glad I didn't know about it then, or I would have been very scared. It's interesting to see how his notes about me changed gradually from third year as "suspected involvement with Azkaban-escapee -- conspiracy??" to fourth year when he wrote "date for ball - Krum. Granger looked gorgeous for a mudblood, no scrap mudblood, just looked gorgeous, why not my partner" and finally in fifth year "not worth the effort - Granger is goddess - sent father to Azkaban ... in love?"

It's also flattering to read that my mere existence made him change his minds about muggles. Although I'd love to hear him say the words himself. Love …

Earlier I wrote that I fell in love more and more with Draco every time I read his letter. Now I know I am in love with him, perhaps as much as he seemed to love me. I'm going to make a pact now. For the rest of my life, I will aim at breaking prejudices. I will teach Draco's beliefs to the whole world, wizarding and muggle. I will aim at being happy and helping those around me to express their true selves. Most of all, I will wait for Draco and live under my love's watchful eyes from heaven.

Goodbye to you too Draco, also my one and only love.