Chapter 5- Snape suspects.
Neville and I had lost track of time and we lay in bed. Just dozing when the bell rang.
"Shit!" I yelled. I sprang up and tried to get dressed. I nearly castrated myself on my underpants. Neville fell over trying to get two legs into one leg of his boxers. It always takes longer to get dressed when you're in a hurry- WHY? Snape knew we were here and if we were late or bunked. it didn't bear thinking about.
We ran into the lesson, breathless and all over the place. An evil smile curled up on his lips. He signalled to us to sit down calmly, which we did eyeing him up warily, wondering if he could read the last hour's events on our faces. Neville was glowing and looked happy even in Snape's lair, if I looked like this too, wouldn't he put two and two together? - He wouldn't be here if he wasn't smart.
***
Later in the lesson, Neville and I were doing a practical experiment. I wasn't listening to Snape- but the potion was to ensure short-term memory loss. We were to test it on each other at the end of the lesson. I hadn't had a sip of the potion, but I couldn't remember why I was in this lesson when I could still be lying in bed with Neville.
He was standing right next to me, our arms were touching. We didn't speak- we didn't need to and if we had, Snape and the class would have discovered our trysts.
The dungeon we were in was dark and smelly. Something that looked watery was dripping off stones in a kind of rhythm. I stared at it for a while when we had packed up- it was mesmerising.
Snape was now going round the class slowly, testing the Slytherin's potions and gravely saying 'well done' when they said they didn't know who they were. It was a blatant lie as they often had a wave of panic before they answered in their faces. Neville nudged me to get my attention. I remember how fearful of Snape he used to be. Now he just heavily disliked him and wouldn't trust him as far as he would push him with his piss. He had composed himself very well.
Just before he came to us, he sampled Malfoy's potion, which he expected to be amazing. Snape passed the levelled spoon over to the blonde, smug looking git who tasted it like it was something disgusting- like it was spinach (ugh!). Snape asked Malfoy 'Who are you?' The little runt turned to him, a wave of panic spread over his face. THE POTION HADN'T WORKED!!! He put on some lost child eyes and said in a meek tone 'I don't know' Snape smiled. It was a gruesome sight. I watched the dark eyes light up a kind of greenish browny tinge. The withered and dry lips stretched and cracked, the appearance of cheekbones. one word: Yuk! I looked at Neville, he shivered visibly. I reached underneath the desk and I touched his hand briefly to comfort him. I didn't realise that Snape had seen me do this. He paced over meaningfully and looked maliciously at our potion. 'Save the best 'til last' he purred sarcastically. He peered into our cauldron and his eyes widened in surprised. He was amazed, for once we had been successful, our potion was exactly the same colour as it had instructed in the textbook.
Immediately his eyes narrowed. He had to save face in front of the Slytherins. He felt for something in his robes and loudly said that our potion was too strong and he must put something in there to weaken it or we would never fully recover. He was obviously talking bollocks, but I kept my mouth shut, as I had learned in previous years at Hogwarts, Snape was an unlikely force to be reckoned with and was as stubborn and determined to succeed as we were.
He took a little bottle out of his robes. It was delicate, and made of frosted glass; it had a clear liquid swishing suspiciously in it. He poured a tiny drop into the potion and it sizzled for a second before calming down and slowly extracting the pigment from the potion. The mixture was now light blue.
Neville and I stared at the potion apprehensively and glanced warily at Snape. 'Are either of you going to taste it?' He snapped. I looked at him with contempt and forcefully held Neville's gaze to say I was going to taste the potion. I snatched the spoon from the desk and I dipped it into the cauldron quickly as if to show this evil man I meant business. Neville was a nervous wreck next to me, he hated this subject and whatever Snape had put in there, well as far as he was concerned he either meant to kill me, the belligerent redhead, friends with the celebrity Harry Potter, or I would get allergic reaction and die before Madame Pomfrey could save me, after all wizards can do, we can raise the dead.
I brought the spoon carefully out of the cauldron and quickly shoved it viciously into my mouth before I could voice any qualms and chicken out. I felt my hand shake, but it was rock steady when I opened my eyes. I swallowed. The taste was cool and like salad, it slipped down my throat easily. I felt at peace, my mind was blank and I felt woozy and floaty.
Snape stared at me intently until he was sure that I was spaced out enough not to be conscious of what I was answering. He had been sitting on an empty stool that Hermione would have usually taken up and slowly rose, his bones creaked as he stood to his full height-, which was just under my 6ft 2ins. He slinked noiselessly to the back of me and bent down at a leisurely speed that would have suited an old man, but more flowingly. He whispered in my ear a stage whisper. It was loud and I felt warm breath on my ear menacingly. 'What did YOU do before this lesson Ron Weasly?'
Neville looked at me with panic in his eyes. He was concerned that I wouldn't remember to not remember as he told me later. Another one of his conjectures was that Snape had bewitched the potion with a truth serum. At the time I just thought that he was going to be hurt if I had said the answers 'I don't know' or 'nothing' or even worse for the Slytherins to hear 'fucking Neville!' it would have killed him. I ignored Neville and turned to the man who asked me the question. I didn't know anything. I vainly searched for a memory, but one wouldn't come. It was a struggle to find the words to speak. He looked satisfied and was now kicking back on the stool and smirking with his arms folded defiantly. I finally found the words to answer him, but I held back. I had a strange feeling that I really wanted to tell the truth, but I couldn't remember what it was. I opened my mouth to answer, it took a long time, and I was stammering heavily. 'I don't know, I don't remember what I did.'
I looked at Snape who was obviously disappointed he hadn't had a juicy answer. His face fell and his expression twisted and looked at me like I was scum (no change there) and hurriedly jumped off his chair and sat back at his comfy chair at the other end of the classroom. I turned to Neville, he smiled at me wanly, he was pleased that I hadn't divulged our secret, but crushed that for the moment I couldn't remember out time together. Later on I thought about whether I would have felt the same if Neville couldn't remember what we had done, I came to the conclusion that I would have been absolutely devastated.
***
After the lesson, Neville went for a run, I didn't want to go on the other side of the grounds by the forest, so I hung out by the lake and watched all the life under there and I started to think about who I really was.
How do I feel now I am being gay?
I am still really confused. Who am I?
The other day, I was bad mouthing homosexuals. Now I am one aren't I?
Just because I have a couple of experiences, I am suddenly pigeonholed. I don't want to be labelled as one thing. Can't I just be Ron, not 'the gay guy who is dating the body builder and the best friend of that Harry Potter'?
If I decide this isn't for me, can I leave being gay, like leave a job?
What do I tell people if I decide that this is the sexual orientation for me? How do I tell them? I feel so guilty, I know I have four brothers and one sister who are so straight and they can carry on the Weasly line, but my parents are still going to be disappointed. I don't really know many gay wizards. I think I blame the muggles for this. But then again, if gayness wasn't about, would we be unhappy, because we feel something is wrong, we don't know what and we can't express it. I really don't know about this.
I like doing the gay intimacy thing, but I haven't been with a girl, so shouldn't I know what that is like before I say I am one thing?
If I stop being gay, will girls date me? Or will I have to go on the other side of the world to find someone, who may end up knowing and wondering if I am going to slip.
It's so confusing. I mean if I decide that I am gay, and I want to be with Neville, how do we conduct a relationship here when the Gryffindor of this year are here. There would be no privacy, I mean me and Neville are going to want to do it, and I would feel selfish kicking everyone out, and secrets don't stay secret for long.
Will our friends reject us? Harry is going to be disgusted, he says he doesn't care if someone is gay, but we have shared a room do many times that maybe he will feel cheated and that I am after him. I'm not, I think I like the big muscly type like Neville, all masculine, not like your typical feminine queers with their loud shirts etc etc.
What the fuck is Hermione going to say? She thinks that gays are attention seekers. I am not an attention seeker. I just want to get on with my life, and I don't want the school to know my business. How will she cope? I don't want her to shun me. Will the rest of the boys in Gryffindor think I am after them?
But it won't just be me coming out will it? Neville will be stepping out of the closet. Will we stand the test of time and stay together. The strain of the teasing and not being able to be physically close has got to take its toll. We won't last a week, and we may and up not being friends anymore. I'd hate that, it seems that we aren't that close, but Neville has been a good friend to me over the years.
I couldn't hack the bullying of the Slytherins. I'm certain that Snape was onto me this lesson. Maybe he saw us all happy and the way we were looking at each other. Maybe he saw me touch his hand. How would we cope with Malfoy. His dad would be petitioning to get Neville and I the hell out of this school and out of all others on this planet. That man is rich and as I once heard some northern old bloke say 'those rich folk- they can do owt they want'. He was very true. We would be a disgrace. He would go on for months, possibly until we left this school and after. I have no idea how wizards respond to the gay community.
Would Dumbledore expel us? I mean it's a pretty nasty business isn't it and Rita Skeeter would make a hell of a meal out of it, saying the schools standards have dropped.
But I think I think too much. Who says this isn't going to fizzle out and we will be the same as before. We're teenagers for goodness sake! No teenage relationship actually lasts long does it? Maybe apart from my parents but that was a hetro relationship.
Why do I care so much about what people think of me? I am living my life, and I feel really bad for judging everybody now based on reputation, looks, grades, family life. Who cares as long as they are a nice person? I am a nice person aren't I? I try my best.
I have now come to the conclusion that I need more deliberation. I need to talk to Neville and we need to see if we will confide in the people we love most and see their reaction, get them used to it and prepare for it to leak out. Someone is bound to give, and tell others.
I am not getting very far am I? These thoughts are just revolving round my head and I can't control them, they are spinning round like a merry go round with the painted horses as an idea each and you are trying to see the decoration, but it is spinning around way too fast and you end up dazed and confused and feeling sick.
I stayed still as my stomach tried to revolt. I didn't know what to think anymore let alone what to do. Everything I thought about me in my romantic life, which for a teenager is insignificant, but big to us, had totally changed and I couldn't tell you even what day it was.
This was not going to be easy.
Neville and I had lost track of time and we lay in bed. Just dozing when the bell rang.
"Shit!" I yelled. I sprang up and tried to get dressed. I nearly castrated myself on my underpants. Neville fell over trying to get two legs into one leg of his boxers. It always takes longer to get dressed when you're in a hurry- WHY? Snape knew we were here and if we were late or bunked. it didn't bear thinking about.
We ran into the lesson, breathless and all over the place. An evil smile curled up on his lips. He signalled to us to sit down calmly, which we did eyeing him up warily, wondering if he could read the last hour's events on our faces. Neville was glowing and looked happy even in Snape's lair, if I looked like this too, wouldn't he put two and two together? - He wouldn't be here if he wasn't smart.
***
Later in the lesson, Neville and I were doing a practical experiment. I wasn't listening to Snape- but the potion was to ensure short-term memory loss. We were to test it on each other at the end of the lesson. I hadn't had a sip of the potion, but I couldn't remember why I was in this lesson when I could still be lying in bed with Neville.
He was standing right next to me, our arms were touching. We didn't speak- we didn't need to and if we had, Snape and the class would have discovered our trysts.
The dungeon we were in was dark and smelly. Something that looked watery was dripping off stones in a kind of rhythm. I stared at it for a while when we had packed up- it was mesmerising.
Snape was now going round the class slowly, testing the Slytherin's potions and gravely saying 'well done' when they said they didn't know who they were. It was a blatant lie as they often had a wave of panic before they answered in their faces. Neville nudged me to get my attention. I remember how fearful of Snape he used to be. Now he just heavily disliked him and wouldn't trust him as far as he would push him with his piss. He had composed himself very well.
Just before he came to us, he sampled Malfoy's potion, which he expected to be amazing. Snape passed the levelled spoon over to the blonde, smug looking git who tasted it like it was something disgusting- like it was spinach (ugh!). Snape asked Malfoy 'Who are you?' The little runt turned to him, a wave of panic spread over his face. THE POTION HADN'T WORKED!!! He put on some lost child eyes and said in a meek tone 'I don't know' Snape smiled. It was a gruesome sight. I watched the dark eyes light up a kind of greenish browny tinge. The withered and dry lips stretched and cracked, the appearance of cheekbones. one word: Yuk! I looked at Neville, he shivered visibly. I reached underneath the desk and I touched his hand briefly to comfort him. I didn't realise that Snape had seen me do this. He paced over meaningfully and looked maliciously at our potion. 'Save the best 'til last' he purred sarcastically. He peered into our cauldron and his eyes widened in surprised. He was amazed, for once we had been successful, our potion was exactly the same colour as it had instructed in the textbook.
Immediately his eyes narrowed. He had to save face in front of the Slytherins. He felt for something in his robes and loudly said that our potion was too strong and he must put something in there to weaken it or we would never fully recover. He was obviously talking bollocks, but I kept my mouth shut, as I had learned in previous years at Hogwarts, Snape was an unlikely force to be reckoned with and was as stubborn and determined to succeed as we were.
He took a little bottle out of his robes. It was delicate, and made of frosted glass; it had a clear liquid swishing suspiciously in it. He poured a tiny drop into the potion and it sizzled for a second before calming down and slowly extracting the pigment from the potion. The mixture was now light blue.
Neville and I stared at the potion apprehensively and glanced warily at Snape. 'Are either of you going to taste it?' He snapped. I looked at him with contempt and forcefully held Neville's gaze to say I was going to taste the potion. I snatched the spoon from the desk and I dipped it into the cauldron quickly as if to show this evil man I meant business. Neville was a nervous wreck next to me, he hated this subject and whatever Snape had put in there, well as far as he was concerned he either meant to kill me, the belligerent redhead, friends with the celebrity Harry Potter, or I would get allergic reaction and die before Madame Pomfrey could save me, after all wizards can do, we can raise the dead.
I brought the spoon carefully out of the cauldron and quickly shoved it viciously into my mouth before I could voice any qualms and chicken out. I felt my hand shake, but it was rock steady when I opened my eyes. I swallowed. The taste was cool and like salad, it slipped down my throat easily. I felt at peace, my mind was blank and I felt woozy and floaty.
Snape stared at me intently until he was sure that I was spaced out enough not to be conscious of what I was answering. He had been sitting on an empty stool that Hermione would have usually taken up and slowly rose, his bones creaked as he stood to his full height-, which was just under my 6ft 2ins. He slinked noiselessly to the back of me and bent down at a leisurely speed that would have suited an old man, but more flowingly. He whispered in my ear a stage whisper. It was loud and I felt warm breath on my ear menacingly. 'What did YOU do before this lesson Ron Weasly?'
Neville looked at me with panic in his eyes. He was concerned that I wouldn't remember to not remember as he told me later. Another one of his conjectures was that Snape had bewitched the potion with a truth serum. At the time I just thought that he was going to be hurt if I had said the answers 'I don't know' or 'nothing' or even worse for the Slytherins to hear 'fucking Neville!' it would have killed him. I ignored Neville and turned to the man who asked me the question. I didn't know anything. I vainly searched for a memory, but one wouldn't come. It was a struggle to find the words to speak. He looked satisfied and was now kicking back on the stool and smirking with his arms folded defiantly. I finally found the words to answer him, but I held back. I had a strange feeling that I really wanted to tell the truth, but I couldn't remember what it was. I opened my mouth to answer, it took a long time, and I was stammering heavily. 'I don't know, I don't remember what I did.'
I looked at Snape who was obviously disappointed he hadn't had a juicy answer. His face fell and his expression twisted and looked at me like I was scum (no change there) and hurriedly jumped off his chair and sat back at his comfy chair at the other end of the classroom. I turned to Neville, he smiled at me wanly, he was pleased that I hadn't divulged our secret, but crushed that for the moment I couldn't remember out time together. Later on I thought about whether I would have felt the same if Neville couldn't remember what we had done, I came to the conclusion that I would have been absolutely devastated.
***
After the lesson, Neville went for a run, I didn't want to go on the other side of the grounds by the forest, so I hung out by the lake and watched all the life under there and I started to think about who I really was.
How do I feel now I am being gay?
I am still really confused. Who am I?
The other day, I was bad mouthing homosexuals. Now I am one aren't I?
Just because I have a couple of experiences, I am suddenly pigeonholed. I don't want to be labelled as one thing. Can't I just be Ron, not 'the gay guy who is dating the body builder and the best friend of that Harry Potter'?
If I decide this isn't for me, can I leave being gay, like leave a job?
What do I tell people if I decide that this is the sexual orientation for me? How do I tell them? I feel so guilty, I know I have four brothers and one sister who are so straight and they can carry on the Weasly line, but my parents are still going to be disappointed. I don't really know many gay wizards. I think I blame the muggles for this. But then again, if gayness wasn't about, would we be unhappy, because we feel something is wrong, we don't know what and we can't express it. I really don't know about this.
I like doing the gay intimacy thing, but I haven't been with a girl, so shouldn't I know what that is like before I say I am one thing?
If I stop being gay, will girls date me? Or will I have to go on the other side of the world to find someone, who may end up knowing and wondering if I am going to slip.
It's so confusing. I mean if I decide that I am gay, and I want to be with Neville, how do we conduct a relationship here when the Gryffindor of this year are here. There would be no privacy, I mean me and Neville are going to want to do it, and I would feel selfish kicking everyone out, and secrets don't stay secret for long.
Will our friends reject us? Harry is going to be disgusted, he says he doesn't care if someone is gay, but we have shared a room do many times that maybe he will feel cheated and that I am after him. I'm not, I think I like the big muscly type like Neville, all masculine, not like your typical feminine queers with their loud shirts etc etc.
What the fuck is Hermione going to say? She thinks that gays are attention seekers. I am not an attention seeker. I just want to get on with my life, and I don't want the school to know my business. How will she cope? I don't want her to shun me. Will the rest of the boys in Gryffindor think I am after them?
But it won't just be me coming out will it? Neville will be stepping out of the closet. Will we stand the test of time and stay together. The strain of the teasing and not being able to be physically close has got to take its toll. We won't last a week, and we may and up not being friends anymore. I'd hate that, it seems that we aren't that close, but Neville has been a good friend to me over the years.
I couldn't hack the bullying of the Slytherins. I'm certain that Snape was onto me this lesson. Maybe he saw us all happy and the way we were looking at each other. Maybe he saw me touch his hand. How would we cope with Malfoy. His dad would be petitioning to get Neville and I the hell out of this school and out of all others on this planet. That man is rich and as I once heard some northern old bloke say 'those rich folk- they can do owt they want'. He was very true. We would be a disgrace. He would go on for months, possibly until we left this school and after. I have no idea how wizards respond to the gay community.
Would Dumbledore expel us? I mean it's a pretty nasty business isn't it and Rita Skeeter would make a hell of a meal out of it, saying the schools standards have dropped.
But I think I think too much. Who says this isn't going to fizzle out and we will be the same as before. We're teenagers for goodness sake! No teenage relationship actually lasts long does it? Maybe apart from my parents but that was a hetro relationship.
Why do I care so much about what people think of me? I am living my life, and I feel really bad for judging everybody now based on reputation, looks, grades, family life. Who cares as long as they are a nice person? I am a nice person aren't I? I try my best.
I have now come to the conclusion that I need more deliberation. I need to talk to Neville and we need to see if we will confide in the people we love most and see their reaction, get them used to it and prepare for it to leak out. Someone is bound to give, and tell others.
I am not getting very far am I? These thoughts are just revolving round my head and I can't control them, they are spinning round like a merry go round with the painted horses as an idea each and you are trying to see the decoration, but it is spinning around way too fast and you end up dazed and confused and feeling sick.
I stayed still as my stomach tried to revolt. I didn't know what to think anymore let alone what to do. Everything I thought about me in my romantic life, which for a teenager is insignificant, but big to us, had totally changed and I couldn't tell you even what day it was.
This was not going to be easy.