He frowned at himself as he realised he really shouldn't have taken any, and even more worrying, he shouldn't have enjoyed it just as much as he did. But today was the first time in years he had woken up feeling younger than the day before. He felt as though he had actually slept for once, instead of awaking up, feeling more tired than he had been before he went to sleep. He had indeed slept. No dreams either, which was an added bonus. He didn't meet any demons last night, instead the opposite happened, he found heaven.
But it was just a one off, he told himself firmly. To take away the pain. To help him perform his mission. He knew it had taken his pain away the night before and wondered if it would help him while he worked with the Salazar's. It probably would, but then he wouldn't be able to work whilst high, as all he could recall after taking the drug was flopping down on the bed and falling asleep - surely the Salazar's wouldn't trust him to organise this deal if he couldn't stay awake.
No, he had to stay away from it, last night was just an experiment..... or maybe he could become accustomed to it? That way once the deal went down he would feel no pain should he need to act fast, and could control his actions at the same time. It was stupid and risky, he knew it. The entire thought was implausible... but it was still a thought. He decided that he would at least keep the idea in mind, in case his work with Gregory didn't improve his condition.
If it was going to save his life and allow him to obtain the virus, he wasn't going to worry about morals and dismiss the idea. But if it was going to give him joy and nothing else, he couldn't justify it to himself either. He pushed the thoughts away to the small space in the back of his head where he knew he could reach upon them, should he need to turn to the drug once more. Part of him hoped he didn't have to, he wanted to recover and get the whole thing over with, he only had 20 days left...
But another part, a stronger part of him wanted it, wanted to feel that weightless sensation once more. But not now he thought, closing the lid to the box housing the thoughts on the matter. Now we have to concentrate on this virus, and this damn wound. He thought about the numbing creme he had been planning on using for escape and laughed at the idea, it was nothing compared to taking a little heroin - he would be in agony if he used that, and certainly wouldn't make it out. He'd be lucky to get across the ranch without killing himself never mind Mexico! He made his second mental note of the morning, reminding himself to throw the pointless thing away when he got back to his place. It wasn't going to help him now. He had pretty much convinced himself that nothing could. Well, except for....
He was thankfully snapped out of his thoughts as Ramon marched into the room and helped him sit up, asking how he felt. After a quick conversation he happily explained that some of the men wouldn't be working today, they were out digging graves for the dead men who had foolishly tried to attack them.
Jack smiled as he was informed of each individual death the men had endured. He tried to pretend that he was pleased with this, but the smile didn't reach his eyes. Ramon didn't notice though, no smile from Jack had ever reached his eyes since he met the man, and so he'd thought nothing of it.
He asked about Amador and Jack said that he was waiting for him to get back to him, and that he would let him know as soon as it happened. Not that I need to, he thought as he remembered the bug they had placed in the phone so they could hear their conversations. Ramon seemed pleased with this and then offered to help Jack home, informing him that Gregory would be around later to work with him. To get him started with his recovery. Jack was very pleased with this news, and even more so with the help back across the ranch to his place.
As he sat in the car besides Ramon he realised he enjoyed being the passenger much more than the driver, it was much less painful. Although the bumps of the landscape made his wounds throb, but it was nothing compared to the pain he had suffered the night before. As they pulled up Ramon instantly noticed the car which had moved, and was now practically blocking the entrance to the house. Jack laughed and said they must have been desperate to block the house off if they went to that much trouble. He wasn't nervous, he had know doubt Ramon would buy it, which he did.
After helping Jack make his way painfully around the car to the steps he then practically carried Jack up and into the house, joking with him to ease the tension.
"Tell any of the men about this and it will backfire on you as much as me Jack," Ramon had laughed, "As they will get jealous at you and claim favouritism."
Jack had laughed at his attempt of humour, it eased the embarrassment and the pain, making him feel more comfortable. Ramon left him on the couch after telling him he would send Claudia over later to make him dinner, and reminding him of Gregory's plans too. Thankfully for Jack, he didn't ask about how last night had gone. He didn't want to touch the subject with him, he was ashamed of the fact that he knew he would probably ask for more, he felt as though he couldn't control his feelings of it.
He had never understood the things he'd read about people becoming addicts, he had previously thought of them as weak, dependant on some drug to help them through life. But now he understood, his desire to be at peace once more was overwhelming, and he had only shot up once. He told himself the will to shoot up again was simply to get rid of the pain, but knew it was a lame excuse, he wanted it for his own selfish needs. He tried to ignore it once more as he turned on the television, but found himself hoping that Hector would stop by later so he could have a word with him about it.